Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > What a Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy
I had been living a lie. My life was a lie. Everything I knew was a fucking lie, and the only thing I could think of was as I sat there, staring blankly at the love of my life, was why I couldn’t cry. I should have been crying. I should have been devastated. Angry. Hateful. Yet, I couldn’t be any of those. My entire body felt numb, void of any emotion.
“Valley,” Ryan whispered into the complete silence. “Say something.”
I looked back into his terrified eyes and opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. What words were there to say when I didn’t even know how to feel about anything anymore? I could have told him that I was okay, that I wasn’t mad, that I still loved him, but I didn’t. I just say there motionless as Ryan nervously moved closer to me.
“Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. Just talk to me!” I felt his hand on my neck and I flinched, pulling back and standing up. His eyes filled with tears as I began to back away. My body trembled as I looked at my unfamiliar surroundings. I was beginning to feel lightheaded and I felt my limbs beginning to sag as my heart beat became erratic. I became scared as my body began to sway and I reached out to grab something before I fell.
“Val!” Ryan shouted, running over to me and grabbing me. I closed my eyes, just wanting everything to disappear for a moment, but that gave Ryan the wrong idea.
“Fuck!” he muttered, lowering me to the ground and placing my head in his lap. He stroked my face and whispered “Please wake up.”
“I am awake,” I grumbled, opening my eyes to look at him. He sighed with relief and leaned down to kiss me. As his lips met mine, this sudden surge of hunger pumped through my body and I twisted my fingers into his fine hair, gently pulling him closer to me. He pulled back for a moment, looking down at me obviously confused, but I pulled him back, kissing him harder than before. I manoeuvred myself into an upright position and then straddled his hips, grinding my hips against his own.
“I love you so much,” I gasped as I pulled away to pull my shirt off but Ryan’s hands stopped me.
“What are you doing?” His voice was gentle but betrayed his concern.
“What does it look like?” My lips sucked on his neck and he let out a small moan.
“Valarie, I’m not going to have sex with you, not like thi-”
“You have no right to make decisions for me,” I yelled, finally snapping. “All this fucking misery I endured could have been saved if you had come back to me sooner. You put me through this. It is your fault that I thought I could never love again. If you had come back for me, I never would have gotten involved with Tyler. Why did you decide to come back after so fucking long? Do you think that maybe I would have been better WITHOUT YOU!” I was screaming now, as I scrambled to my feet to get away from him. “You just left me! If you loved me so much then you wouldn’t have listened to my parents! You would have fought for me!”
“I tried!” he spluttered, standing up and walking towards me, but I backed away quicker.
“I would have been fine if I hadn’t known all this! Why did you tell me!? What would you gain from this? All you have done is hurt me!”
Tears spilled from his eyes as he stood in the wide living space helplessly. “You deserved to know. I needed you to know why I’m so afraid of losing you again and I needed you to understand how much I love you!”
I laughed rudely. “Love? You left me at a time when I needed you most! You call that love?”
“Please don’t say that. I tried to come back, I did! But your parents called the police on me when I came back. They threatened be with a restraining order! I had to wait until you were 18 so that you could make your own decisions and your parents had no say in me being with you, but I couldn’t wait. I came back again just after you had turned 16 and you were with him!” His face twisted in anger. “I saw you with him, laughing and acting like you were so in love. You saw me. You looked at me and then looked away as if you hadn’t seen me in the first place! I have never been so fucking hurt in my life! I swore I’d do anything to get you back, but I figured that I wouldn’t have to because eventually you and him would break up. And then I found out,” he choked, his tears resurfacing. “I found out that you had married Tyler and I lost it. I did some fucking terrible stuff.”
My anger still burned inside of me, but it was dulled by his words. I was beginning to realize that the real people I was angry at were my parents. They were the ones who had kept Ryan from me. They had lied about him and kept him a secret. They had told me that I was a virgin and never had a boyfriend. They lied about everything because they thought they were protecting me, but they were only hurting me more than they could have ever realized. I never thought I knew what hate was until that moment.
“I knew about what happened to Tyler. I wasn’t going to let go of you that fast. But then I knew you needed more time, so I waited again. I wasn’t afraid that you would find someone else because I knew you wouldn’t be looking. I waited so long because I wanted to make sure that the time was right. I needed you to love me again just as much as you needed to love me, and I knew that you would someday. Even if you didn’t remember loving me before, I knew deep down that somehow you’d know I was the love of your life, as you are mine.” His shoulders slumped as he looked at me, and I crumpled to my feet sobbing. He was at my side in a mere second and he carried me to a bedroom, placing me on the middle of the bed and holding me.
Everything that had happened in the past few hours began to replay in my mind as I cried, only making me cry even harder because I wished that I could remember my past. I could understand to a degree why my parents did not mention Ryan, but why would they leave Brent out of it? And why had he never come to see me after everything happened? I wanted to know more about him, because Ryan had only once mentioned him in passing. Was it because of what had happened between us all? I wondered if they were even friends today. And what about Brendon? Had he known about all this as well? What about Lucas, who was supposed to be my best friend? Did he know about my past with Ryan?
I could only come up with questions, no answers, as I cried until I had nothing left in me, and I realized that I had no one except Ryan. He was the only one to tell me the truth. He had been through all of it with me, without me even knowing about his existence. If there was anyone who knew how I felt, it was him. And if there was anyone in the world who loved me more than I loved him, it was Ryan. I knew I couldn’t go back to Nevada. Not after everything I had learned. Wherever Ryan was, was where I belonged.
At midnight, after I had agreed to change into something more suitable to sleep in, we laid in bed staring at each other. He kissed me hesitantly and then asked, “Are you going to leave me?”
I pressed my fingers to his cheek and smiled gently. “I’m never leaving you again.”
“Valley,” Ryan whispered into the complete silence. “Say something.”
I looked back into his terrified eyes and opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. What words were there to say when I didn’t even know how to feel about anything anymore? I could have told him that I was okay, that I wasn’t mad, that I still loved him, but I didn’t. I just say there motionless as Ryan nervously moved closer to me.
“Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. Just talk to me!” I felt his hand on my neck and I flinched, pulling back and standing up. His eyes filled with tears as I began to back away. My body trembled as I looked at my unfamiliar surroundings. I was beginning to feel lightheaded and I felt my limbs beginning to sag as my heart beat became erratic. I became scared as my body began to sway and I reached out to grab something before I fell.
“Val!” Ryan shouted, running over to me and grabbing me. I closed my eyes, just wanting everything to disappear for a moment, but that gave Ryan the wrong idea.
“Fuck!” he muttered, lowering me to the ground and placing my head in his lap. He stroked my face and whispered “Please wake up.”
“I am awake,” I grumbled, opening my eyes to look at him. He sighed with relief and leaned down to kiss me. As his lips met mine, this sudden surge of hunger pumped through my body and I twisted my fingers into his fine hair, gently pulling him closer to me. He pulled back for a moment, looking down at me obviously confused, but I pulled him back, kissing him harder than before. I manoeuvred myself into an upright position and then straddled his hips, grinding my hips against his own.
“I love you so much,” I gasped as I pulled away to pull my shirt off but Ryan’s hands stopped me.
“What are you doing?” His voice was gentle but betrayed his concern.
“What does it look like?” My lips sucked on his neck and he let out a small moan.
“Valarie, I’m not going to have sex with you, not like thi-”
“You have no right to make decisions for me,” I yelled, finally snapping. “All this fucking misery I endured could have been saved if you had come back to me sooner. You put me through this. It is your fault that I thought I could never love again. If you had come back for me, I never would have gotten involved with Tyler. Why did you decide to come back after so fucking long? Do you think that maybe I would have been better WITHOUT YOU!” I was screaming now, as I scrambled to my feet to get away from him. “You just left me! If you loved me so much then you wouldn’t have listened to my parents! You would have fought for me!”
“I tried!” he spluttered, standing up and walking towards me, but I backed away quicker.
“I would have been fine if I hadn’t known all this! Why did you tell me!? What would you gain from this? All you have done is hurt me!”
Tears spilled from his eyes as he stood in the wide living space helplessly. “You deserved to know. I needed you to know why I’m so afraid of losing you again and I needed you to understand how much I love you!”
I laughed rudely. “Love? You left me at a time when I needed you most! You call that love?”
“Please don’t say that. I tried to come back, I did! But your parents called the police on me when I came back. They threatened be with a restraining order! I had to wait until you were 18 so that you could make your own decisions and your parents had no say in me being with you, but I couldn’t wait. I came back again just after you had turned 16 and you were with him!” His face twisted in anger. “I saw you with him, laughing and acting like you were so in love. You saw me. You looked at me and then looked away as if you hadn’t seen me in the first place! I have never been so fucking hurt in my life! I swore I’d do anything to get you back, but I figured that I wouldn’t have to because eventually you and him would break up. And then I found out,” he choked, his tears resurfacing. “I found out that you had married Tyler and I lost it. I did some fucking terrible stuff.”
My anger still burned inside of me, but it was dulled by his words. I was beginning to realize that the real people I was angry at were my parents. They were the ones who had kept Ryan from me. They had lied about him and kept him a secret. They had told me that I was a virgin and never had a boyfriend. They lied about everything because they thought they were protecting me, but they were only hurting me more than they could have ever realized. I never thought I knew what hate was until that moment.
“I knew about what happened to Tyler. I wasn’t going to let go of you that fast. But then I knew you needed more time, so I waited again. I wasn’t afraid that you would find someone else because I knew you wouldn’t be looking. I waited so long because I wanted to make sure that the time was right. I needed you to love me again just as much as you needed to love me, and I knew that you would someday. Even if you didn’t remember loving me before, I knew deep down that somehow you’d know I was the love of your life, as you are mine.” His shoulders slumped as he looked at me, and I crumpled to my feet sobbing. He was at my side in a mere second and he carried me to a bedroom, placing me on the middle of the bed and holding me.
Everything that had happened in the past few hours began to replay in my mind as I cried, only making me cry even harder because I wished that I could remember my past. I could understand to a degree why my parents did not mention Ryan, but why would they leave Brent out of it? And why had he never come to see me after everything happened? I wanted to know more about him, because Ryan had only once mentioned him in passing. Was it because of what had happened between us all? I wondered if they were even friends today. And what about Brendon? Had he known about all this as well? What about Lucas, who was supposed to be my best friend? Did he know about my past with Ryan?
I could only come up with questions, no answers, as I cried until I had nothing left in me, and I realized that I had no one except Ryan. He was the only one to tell me the truth. He had been through all of it with me, without me even knowing about his existence. If there was anyone who knew how I felt, it was him. And if there was anyone in the world who loved me more than I loved him, it was Ryan. I knew I couldn’t go back to Nevada. Not after everything I had learned. Wherever Ryan was, was where I belonged.
At midnight, after I had agreed to change into something more suitable to sleep in, we laid in bed staring at each other. He kissed me hesitantly and then asked, “Are you going to leave me?”
I pressed my fingers to his cheek and smiled gently. “I’m never leaving you again.”
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