Categories > Anime/Manga > Gravitation > All the Kisses
Ano sa
A collection of 30 shorts featuring Yuki and Shuichi for a challenge community. Each 'chapter' will have its own theme. Rating varies throughout. (manga-centric)
?Blocked
A/N: I don't own Gravitation
#5 "Ano sa" ("hey, you know...")
It's funny how the house feels different after a long time away. It's been over 6 months since I've spent more than a day here, and it feels... off. The one day I spent here between the tour and New York was a whirlwind of packing, sex and transportation. Now that I'm back for... I'd like to say good/, but I just don't know anymore, I want it to feel familiar. I think the place /smells different, maybe that's it, but I can't really place it. I can smell Yuki - his cologne, and the underlying smell that is his alone. It's like an itch I can't scratch, this surreal feeling, but maybe it'll come to me.
The flight was a nightmare, which was mostly my fault. I shouldn't have had so much to drink - self-medication isn't really my thing, that's best left to Yuki. I was extremely sick for the entire 14 hours, sleeping as much as I could to keep my mind off the pounding in my head and the lurching of my stomach. Yuki sat next to me, holding my hand, and I accepted the comfort, but we didn't talk. We haven't discussed Yuki's infidelity, or my feelings of betrayal. We haven't talked period.
I carry my bags into our bedroom and I'm surprised at how my bare feet create an echo of sorts. The house seems so empty, so devoid of life. Has it been like this the entire time I was gone? It looks the same - the same pictures on the wall, the same furniture... what is it? I can hear Yuki rummaging around the kitchen, pulling out pots and opening cabinets. I don't bother to unpack; I just head towards the bathroom and turn on the shower hoping the water will bring me back to life.
I feel so out of place, so lost... so lonely. Since we left I'd been sick and filled with self-loathing, hating myself for being so stupid, and hating Yuki for being the same. I've been trying to work things out in my head, trying to figure out my feelings. Yuki cheated on me yes, but he told me. Granted he didn't tell me when it happened, but that's not his style - he'd want to do it in person. I don't doubt that it happened as Yuki had said - he isn't a man to lie about anything. Part of me is angry that he could have visited me on tour to tell me then, but that would have been so out of character that I would've been more concerned had he shown up. I just don't know what to think. I know I won't leave him, but I don't know how we'll get through this without destroying what we have.
I step out of the shower and I'm greeted by the smell of cooking onions. Suddenly it hits me what's missing - the food smells, the cooking smells. They weren't here when I was back that one day before New York, just like they weren't here when I walked in. What had he been doing while I was gone? Was he not eating? I towel myself off and slip into some clean clothes before heading towards the kitchen. I can see how much he's concentrating on the meal, stirring and seasoning with such a serious expression. I lean against the counter, watching him silently and feeling the tension leaving my body at such a homey task.
He looks up at me and allows a small smile to spread on his face. Anyone looking at him would assume his face devoid of emotion, but I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. If I'd gotten anything out of this relationship over the years, it would be the ability read the subtle change of mood in Yuki's face. I don't return the smile, the stubborn part of me not wanting to relieve any bad feelings that Yuki might have - I can be cold too - I'd learned from the best. But I stay there, watching him and trying to sort out the emotions inside of me.
Yuki moves to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine before glancing at me and putting it back and pulling out some lime seltzer instead. He sets the table in silence, not asking me to help or attempting conversation, just looking at me every now and again out of the corner of his eye. After the table is set and the food dished out, he motions towards my seat with a wave of his hand and waits for me to sit.
I sit and we eat in silence. As time passes I feel myself weakening, feeling worse and worse for the dejected look I see hinted in his eyes. I know he feels bad, but damn it, I want him to feel bad - I want him to feel as bad as I do... and I realize that he just might. He might've been feeling this bad for the last few months, living with his betrayal and beating himself up. I think about the lack of cooking smells, the echo my feet made - the unlived-in feel of the house. Maybe he'd been suffering for far too long. I look up and realize he's looking at me as if watching my internal dialogue. He opens his mouth to speak, and I realize how much it takes for him to speak first - but I don't feel like I've won - I just feel sad.
"Ano sa..." Yuki starts before I interrupt him, wanting this to end.
"I know..."
I stand and offer him my hand, which he accepts, and we leave the mess behind and head towards the bedroom. We'll work this out like we have since the beginning, our bodies saying things that our mouths can't. Our bodies will tell the truth, tell us all that we need to know. It's not over; it won't be for a while. We both have our insecurities, our inadequacies that we need to overcome. It won't be easy, but we're committed to each other so we'll work it out. We're both stubborn, and this time such a quality will work in our favor.
#5 "Ano sa" ("hey, you know...")
It's funny how the house feels different after a long time away. It's been over 6 months since I've spent more than a day here, and it feels... off. The one day I spent here between the tour and New York was a whirlwind of packing, sex and transportation. Now that I'm back for... I'd like to say good/, but I just don't know anymore, I want it to feel familiar. I think the place /smells different, maybe that's it, but I can't really place it. I can smell Yuki - his cologne, and the underlying smell that is his alone. It's like an itch I can't scratch, this surreal feeling, but maybe it'll come to me.
The flight was a nightmare, which was mostly my fault. I shouldn't have had so much to drink - self-medication isn't really my thing, that's best left to Yuki. I was extremely sick for the entire 14 hours, sleeping as much as I could to keep my mind off the pounding in my head and the lurching of my stomach. Yuki sat next to me, holding my hand, and I accepted the comfort, but we didn't talk. We haven't discussed Yuki's infidelity, or my feelings of betrayal. We haven't talked period.
I carry my bags into our bedroom and I'm surprised at how my bare feet create an echo of sorts. The house seems so empty, so devoid of life. Has it been like this the entire time I was gone? It looks the same - the same pictures on the wall, the same furniture... what is it? I can hear Yuki rummaging around the kitchen, pulling out pots and opening cabinets. I don't bother to unpack; I just head towards the bathroom and turn on the shower hoping the water will bring me back to life.
I feel so out of place, so lost... so lonely. Since we left I'd been sick and filled with self-loathing, hating myself for being so stupid, and hating Yuki for being the same. I've been trying to work things out in my head, trying to figure out my feelings. Yuki cheated on me yes, but he told me. Granted he didn't tell me when it happened, but that's not his style - he'd want to do it in person. I don't doubt that it happened as Yuki had said - he isn't a man to lie about anything. Part of me is angry that he could have visited me on tour to tell me then, but that would have been so out of character that I would've been more concerned had he shown up. I just don't know what to think. I know I won't leave him, but I don't know how we'll get through this without destroying what we have.
I step out of the shower and I'm greeted by the smell of cooking onions. Suddenly it hits me what's missing - the food smells, the cooking smells. They weren't here when I was back that one day before New York, just like they weren't here when I walked in. What had he been doing while I was gone? Was he not eating? I towel myself off and slip into some clean clothes before heading towards the kitchen. I can see how much he's concentrating on the meal, stirring and seasoning with such a serious expression. I lean against the counter, watching him silently and feeling the tension leaving my body at such a homey task.
He looks up at me and allows a small smile to spread on his face. Anyone looking at him would assume his face devoid of emotion, but I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. If I'd gotten anything out of this relationship over the years, it would be the ability read the subtle change of mood in Yuki's face. I don't return the smile, the stubborn part of me not wanting to relieve any bad feelings that Yuki might have - I can be cold too - I'd learned from the best. But I stay there, watching him and trying to sort out the emotions inside of me.
Yuki moves to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine before glancing at me and putting it back and pulling out some lime seltzer instead. He sets the table in silence, not asking me to help or attempting conversation, just looking at me every now and again out of the corner of his eye. After the table is set and the food dished out, he motions towards my seat with a wave of his hand and waits for me to sit.
I sit and we eat in silence. As time passes I feel myself weakening, feeling worse and worse for the dejected look I see hinted in his eyes. I know he feels bad, but damn it, I want him to feel bad - I want him to feel as bad as I do... and I realize that he just might. He might've been feeling this bad for the last few months, living with his betrayal and beating himself up. I think about the lack of cooking smells, the echo my feet made - the unlived-in feel of the house. Maybe he'd been suffering for far too long. I look up and realize he's looking at me as if watching my internal dialogue. He opens his mouth to speak, and I realize how much it takes for him to speak first - but I don't feel like I've won - I just feel sad.
"Ano sa..." Yuki starts before I interrupt him, wanting this to end.
"I know..."
I stand and offer him my hand, which he accepts, and we leave the mess behind and head towards the bedroom. We'll work this out like we have since the beginning, our bodies saying things that our mouths can't. Our bodies will tell the truth, tell us all that we need to know. It's not over; it won't be for a while. We both have our insecurities, our inadequacies that we need to overcome. It won't be easy, but we're committed to each other so we'll work it out. We're both stubborn, and this time such a quality will work in our favor.
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