FicWad

My hands were clammy and shaking slightly when the three of us exited the shop. I couldn’t believe my luck. We had actually talked and he had said that I should go and see his band! I was over the moon, completely blown away by what had just taken place.

“You totally like him,” Cassie giggled as we stepped out of the door. My face turned into one of shock. The door was still open and although we were out of earshot, he could have heard. Of course, deep down I knew that he hadn’t, but I was paranoid because of my insane liking for him and I blew it out of proportion.

“Jesus, fuck, Cass,” I hissed. “Shut up.”

She laughed harder and I hit her arm as we walked down the street.

“You totally /do/,” she laughed. “Oh, God, Frank! Now I know why you love going there so much.”

I scowled, not impressed with my friend’s behaviour. I didn’t like the fact that I practically stalked the man and I certainly did not like the fact that she had figured it out and was pointing it out to me, and ridiculing me for it.

“How long have you liked him?” it was Harvey’s turn to talk.

The two of them were holding hands as we walked, swinging their arms in between the two of them. I was on Cassie’s right and Harvey was on her left. I was jealous of their relationship. It made me feel like the outsider – the third wheel. Even though I knew how much they loved each other and I was insanely happy that they had realised it, it didn’t stop the jealousy brewing inside of me. I had managed to house the green eyed monster and he wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted to have what they had. Preferably with the guy in the shop.

“I don’t know. A while,” I muttered. I knew the answer and it was months. I had been crushing on him for about 6 months, now and the feelings weren’t going away. I had no idea what it was. I still didn’t even know his name. I wanted to hit myself repeatedly and instead of doing that I ended up picking the scabs on my arm, ripping off the hard coating so that the wound couldn’t heal.

My right hand was up the sleeve of my left arm so that I could pick the flesh and I knew that Cassie and Harvey knew what I was doing. They didn’t say anything, though. They knew that I wouldn’t stop just because they told me to. But I could see the look on Cassie’s face. She looked sad, her eyebrows raised and her eyes squinted, mouth down-turned. I knew that they cared for me and didn’t want me to scar my body further, but they just didn’t get it. It was impossible to explain but it was this overwhelming urge that I couldn’t control. I had to pick and peel. I had to rip away the flesh.

“How long is a while, Frankie?” Cassie asked with a grin on her face. She loved these topics – crushes and relationships. She found them so entertaining. She probably just loved the whole ‘gossip-quality’ they had. It was exciting to her, knowing that someone had a crush.

“About 6 months...” I mumbled with a blush forming on my cheeks. I picked the scabs harder and faster, knowing that there would be splotches of blood on the inside of my hoodie. But I couldn’t stop. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had liked this guy for so long and had done nothing about it. It was pathetic. I was wasting time. If I wasn’t so paranoid and inexperienced I could have gone up to him ages ago and formed a friendship. If I wasn’t so me I possibly would have been with him now – albeit as friends or as something more. We would be talking more than what had happened today. It would be proper conversation where I didn’t make a fool out of myself (in my head, I had) and we could have normal speak. Ugh, I hated myself so much.

“And you’ve done /nothing/?!” she almost screamed, completely shocked by my lack of try.

I shook my head, not muttering the short word that would tell her ‘I have not tried anything’. I knew how stupid it was for me to be so crazy about this guy and to never have tried talking to him before today. I knew that I was totally insane. But I couldn’t change the past. I had left it too long. It could never happen now.

“God, Frank! You’re useless!” She exclaimed exasperatedly and paused for a moment with a contemplative look on her face. “Okay, so you like this guy, yes?”

I nodded my head this time. “So much,” I confessed with sincerity.

“Right, well you’re gonna do something about it,” she stopped walking and let go of Harvey’s hand. He had been silent this whole time – apart from his question at the beginning – and he still stood there besides his girlfriend as she grabbed a firm grip on my shoulders and pretty much shook me. “You need to talk to him more, become his friend.”

“I can’t,” I complained. I would be too embarrassed to talk to him. I would feel awkward and unimportant. I didn’t want to annoy him.

“You can and you will. The question is how can we get you two to talk...?” she pondered aloud, her hands still on my shoulders as her eyes drifted off to the right.

“He told me to go to his bands gig...” I said excitedly before I could realise that I was telling her something that would give her ammunition. You could see her eyes light up as I told her and she grinned.

“Perfect! You’ll go and you can talk to him after his set!” She almost yelped but she refrained and just made some weird noise from the back of her throat. “When is it?”

“Saturday evening,” I answered, having remembered the date on the flier I had seen previously. “At 7 o’clock.”

“You’re going,” she informed me with a strict tone and a nod of her head. “And I won’t take no for an answer. I’ll fucking drag you if I have to.” Her eyes were warning me that if I dared try and pull out, she would castrate me. It was as simple as that. I had to go. Otherwise she would take away my manhood.

“Um... Okay,” I mumbled, both excited and terrified for Saturday.

He would be there and I knew that Cassie and Harvey would force me to talk to him. They would probably do something embarrassing like literally push me into him. But then what if I didn’t have the chance to talk to him? It was always possible that he would run off as soon as his set was over and I would never see him. I could live with that – I wouldn’t have had the chance to embarrass myself.

We began walking again, making our way to Harvey’s house. It was our usual ‘hang out’ place. His parents both worked so he had an empty house and we were free to eat as much as we wanted and watch television until the cows came home.

Cassie continued her conversation about Saturday and it was acknowledged that both she and Harvey, too, were going to go to the bar and watch his band play. I knew that she was only coming so that she could make sure I did actually make some form of effort. I was wasting time. And there was the chance that I would carry on like this for the rest of my life. If I didn’t make an effort now, I may never make an effort. Then I would always be on my own. Doomed to loneliness. I could imagine it happening. I could picture myself living alone in a house full of animals, never having had a relationship that went further than family or friendship ties. I would be a virgin forever – although that wasn’t what this was about. I liked him more than the sense that I wanted to just fuck him.

I felt weird saying I wanted to fuck someone as I had never done it before. It sounded overly confident. And I was anything but. I was the opposite of confident. I hated myself so much for what I had done to my body. But I just couldn’t’ stop. I picked my skin even though I knew it was wrong and it was causing me to fall deeper and deeper into my self-hatred. I wanted to stop, then, at the same time I didn’t want to stop. I liked picking my skin.

I was just worried that no one would ever love me because of it.