Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Keep On Licking Scars
When I sit in my room alone I always end up with the nail clippers in my hands, clipping the matrix of tissue beneath my nail. It’s disgusting and I always end up with my tongue in between the two blades, picking the bit of skin I had cut off and pulling it into my mouth. I had clipped my tongue many times in past. My fingers had squeezed the lever when I shouldn’t have and trapped the muscle. It hurt a lot and was a slight deterrence for a couple of minutes. But, I would be back to my usual self soon after.
It was Saturday already and I was sitting at my desk, computer on in front of me, and nail clippers in my right hand. I was cutting away the skin under and around my pointer finger, not paying attention to the music that was playing in the background. I was too worried about tonight and I was picking my nails extra hard. I mean, what if he completely ignored me? Even worse, what if he acknowledged me?
I didn’t know what I would do. I would probably have a panic attack and have to leave awkwardly in a mess of sweat and stammers. I would probably say something that would come out wrong and he would think I was a total freak.
I was a total freak.
My words were likely to mix up. I was used to stuttering or getting stuck on words every so often. It happened when I had to speak in front of the class or when I was trying to explain something. If I had to speak for a long time my words would mix up and I would say them in the wrong order or just completely forget my train of thought.
It was worse when I was speaking in front of the class. The speed of my voice would pick up, the pitch would increase, and I would sweat. My hands would get clammy and my forehead sticky.
If it was just with Harvey and Cassie we could laugh it off. It wasn’t a horrible stammer, it only occurred in extreme circumstances. But I hoped to God that if I managed to talked to him it wouldn’t happen.
My phone beeped next to me and I put the clippers down, chewing on the bit skin in my mouth as I opened the text.
It was from Harvey and read: /we’re going to Cassie’s to get ready. I’ll be round yours in a few/
I glanced at the clock on my computer screen and made the note that it was nearing quarter to 6. He had told me that his set was at 7 and I bet more than anything that Cassie didn’t want us to be late. Neither did I, to be perfectly honest. I wanted to know what kind of band he was in and what role he played. I wondered whether they played the kind of music that I liked to listen to. If he asked me what I thought and I hated it, I didn’t want to have to lie.
But I was getting ahead of myself. Who’s to say he even would ask me that? I probably won’t talk to him.
/Okay/, I replied and put my phone back down on my desk.
The mess of clothes on my floor was daunting and I had no idea what I was going to wear tonight. I wanted something that made me look good, something that he would notice me in. I bit my lip and ripped off a bit of skin before searching for my tightest black skinny jeans. They had rips in the knees from over-wear. A big chunk of denim hung lose, but they were my favourite and, in my opinion, they made me look good. Or they at least made me feel the most comfortable – I was never a person to go so far as to say I actually looked good. I was too self-loathing to ever say that.
But these jeans made me feel comfortable and confident. So, for that, I guess you could say they made me look good.
I grabbed a tight grey t-shirt and then my black zip-up hoodie to wear over it. It was probably a bad move – it would be hot and I would sweat. But I could always take it off if need be.
Converse adorned my feet and I was ready to go when Harvey rang my door bell and sent me a text at the same time saying: /I’m here dickhead/.
I shook my head with a light internal laugh and left my room after turning my computer off.
My parents were in the living room watching some medical drama on the television and I called a ‘bye’ to them as I opened up the front door to Harvey.
“Bye! Have a good time,” My mum called while my dad said “Bye!”
“Hey,” I greeted Harvey and closed the door behind us.
“Hey,” he replied and we began the walk towards Cassie’s house. She didn’t live far from me and I didn’t live far from Harvey. So, all in all, we lived close to each other, making it easy whenever we wanted to see someone.
“You excited?” he laughed and nudged me in the arm, an all-knowing shit eating grin on his face. He was loving this – my idiocy and fear. You could probably see it written all over my face. It was probably bright and clear just how excited, nervous, awkward, anxious and everything else I was. I had no idea how to control all of the emotions in side of me. I would be seeing him for the first time outside of the shop. Hopefully, maybe, I would even find out his name.
Then I would have a name to put to the face of the man I jacked-off to at night.
“Fuck off,” I replied in mock-anger. Harvey knew I wasn’t actually angry. He could tell when I was angry. My voice got all high and the pitch would break. It was embarrassing, actually. I tried not to get too angry too often.
“Well, are you?” he continued to probe me until we reached Cassie’s house. And even there it didn’t stop.
She, too, was excited at the prospect of me finally talking to the guy I had been crushing on for so long and she wouldn’t let it go. She kept on telling me how much I just needed to talk to him – to try and form a friendship. If I talked to him today, then I could talk to him next time we go back to the record shop. And so on. It would ‘snowball’, as she put it. I just needed to put myself out there.
She was right, in a way. I did need to put myself out there. But I felt so stupid doing so. This was me, we were talking about. Me, Frank Iero. I couldn’t put myself out there. People would be too disgusted by my body. I was covered in too many scabs and cuts for anyone to ever love me. The tops of my fingers were red and swollen. People just needed to take one look at my hands to form their decision. I would never be loved because of my stupid habit.
What annoyed me even more about myself was that I knew all of this. I knew how much people hated my habits – hell! I had even been turned down from jobs because of it - but I just couldn’t find the will power to stop. I was so unmotivated in life, so unwilling to change.
Harvey and I sat on Cassie’s bed and watched her as she did her make-up. She did it smoothly, the years of practice paying off. The thin black line on her top eyelids were dead-straight and enhanced her already beautiful eyes. Harvey sure had found a good catch.
I groaned and flopped down onto my back – Cassie and Harvey laughing at me as I did so.
“Stop being such a fucking pansy,” Harvey lectured and poked me harshly in the stomach, causing me to grunt again. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he then asked, his eyebrows raised.
“He could fucking... Ugh! I don’t know. I could say something stupid and he could completely fucking reject me,” I said loudly, my hands moving up to cover my eyes as I squeezed them shut. I brought my knees up to my chest and lay there on my back, bunched up. “Just... fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate this,” I groaned.
“Frank!” Cassie practically yelled. “Stop being so stupid! You’re going to talk to him and you’re going to become his friend. I’ll hit you if you don’t,” (she really could pack a punch!) “you won’t like that, will you?” I could tell she was grinning even with my eyes covered. Her voice had a sick-happy-twist to it that indicated her pleasure at the thought of punching me.
“No,” I mumbled and uncurled my body, sitting up and looking into her eyes sadly. “Just... Cass. Why am I so fucking awkward about this? Why can’t I just be like you guys and just have it thrown at me? Why do I have to like a guy I’ve never spoken to?”
“You may not even like him once you get to know him,” Harvey pointed out and I wanted to hit him so hard. I refrained though, just turning to glare at him in anger. “What?” he asked and threw his hands up. “You might not! He might be a total douche.”
He did have a point. I knew nothing about this guy that I was insane about. He might have been some crazed killer who ate his victims. A cannibal. But a part of me thought that even if he was cannibalistic, I would still like him. There was just something about him that enticed me.
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Does anyone know how the html system-thingy works. I use (without the *) and it just comes up as /
It was Saturday already and I was sitting at my desk, computer on in front of me, and nail clippers in my right hand. I was cutting away the skin under and around my pointer finger, not paying attention to the music that was playing in the background. I was too worried about tonight and I was picking my nails extra hard. I mean, what if he completely ignored me? Even worse, what if he acknowledged me?
I didn’t know what I would do. I would probably have a panic attack and have to leave awkwardly in a mess of sweat and stammers. I would probably say something that would come out wrong and he would think I was a total freak.
I was a total freak.
My words were likely to mix up. I was used to stuttering or getting stuck on words every so often. It happened when I had to speak in front of the class or when I was trying to explain something. If I had to speak for a long time my words would mix up and I would say them in the wrong order or just completely forget my train of thought.
It was worse when I was speaking in front of the class. The speed of my voice would pick up, the pitch would increase, and I would sweat. My hands would get clammy and my forehead sticky.
If it was just with Harvey and Cassie we could laugh it off. It wasn’t a horrible stammer, it only occurred in extreme circumstances. But I hoped to God that if I managed to talked to him it wouldn’t happen.
My phone beeped next to me and I put the clippers down, chewing on the bit skin in my mouth as I opened the text.
It was from Harvey and read: /we’re going to Cassie’s to get ready. I’ll be round yours in a few/
I glanced at the clock on my computer screen and made the note that it was nearing quarter to 6. He had told me that his set was at 7 and I bet more than anything that Cassie didn’t want us to be late. Neither did I, to be perfectly honest. I wanted to know what kind of band he was in and what role he played. I wondered whether they played the kind of music that I liked to listen to. If he asked me what I thought and I hated it, I didn’t want to have to lie.
But I was getting ahead of myself. Who’s to say he even would ask me that? I probably won’t talk to him.
/Okay/, I replied and put my phone back down on my desk.
The mess of clothes on my floor was daunting and I had no idea what I was going to wear tonight. I wanted something that made me look good, something that he would notice me in. I bit my lip and ripped off a bit of skin before searching for my tightest black skinny jeans. They had rips in the knees from over-wear. A big chunk of denim hung lose, but they were my favourite and, in my opinion, they made me look good. Or they at least made me feel the most comfortable – I was never a person to go so far as to say I actually looked good. I was too self-loathing to ever say that.
But these jeans made me feel comfortable and confident. So, for that, I guess you could say they made me look good.
I grabbed a tight grey t-shirt and then my black zip-up hoodie to wear over it. It was probably a bad move – it would be hot and I would sweat. But I could always take it off if need be.
Converse adorned my feet and I was ready to go when Harvey rang my door bell and sent me a text at the same time saying: /I’m here dickhead/.
I shook my head with a light internal laugh and left my room after turning my computer off.
My parents were in the living room watching some medical drama on the television and I called a ‘bye’ to them as I opened up the front door to Harvey.
“Bye! Have a good time,” My mum called while my dad said “Bye!”
“Hey,” I greeted Harvey and closed the door behind us.
“Hey,” he replied and we began the walk towards Cassie’s house. She didn’t live far from me and I didn’t live far from Harvey. So, all in all, we lived close to each other, making it easy whenever we wanted to see someone.
“You excited?” he laughed and nudged me in the arm, an all-knowing shit eating grin on his face. He was loving this – my idiocy and fear. You could probably see it written all over my face. It was probably bright and clear just how excited, nervous, awkward, anxious and everything else I was. I had no idea how to control all of the emotions in side of me. I would be seeing him for the first time outside of the shop. Hopefully, maybe, I would even find out his name.
Then I would have a name to put to the face of the man I jacked-off to at night.
“Fuck off,” I replied in mock-anger. Harvey knew I wasn’t actually angry. He could tell when I was angry. My voice got all high and the pitch would break. It was embarrassing, actually. I tried not to get too angry too often.
“Well, are you?” he continued to probe me until we reached Cassie’s house. And even there it didn’t stop.
She, too, was excited at the prospect of me finally talking to the guy I had been crushing on for so long and she wouldn’t let it go. She kept on telling me how much I just needed to talk to him – to try and form a friendship. If I talked to him today, then I could talk to him next time we go back to the record shop. And so on. It would ‘snowball’, as she put it. I just needed to put myself out there.
She was right, in a way. I did need to put myself out there. But I felt so stupid doing so. This was me, we were talking about. Me, Frank Iero. I couldn’t put myself out there. People would be too disgusted by my body. I was covered in too many scabs and cuts for anyone to ever love me. The tops of my fingers were red and swollen. People just needed to take one look at my hands to form their decision. I would never be loved because of my stupid habit.
What annoyed me even more about myself was that I knew all of this. I knew how much people hated my habits – hell! I had even been turned down from jobs because of it - but I just couldn’t find the will power to stop. I was so unmotivated in life, so unwilling to change.
Harvey and I sat on Cassie’s bed and watched her as she did her make-up. She did it smoothly, the years of practice paying off. The thin black line on her top eyelids were dead-straight and enhanced her already beautiful eyes. Harvey sure had found a good catch.
I groaned and flopped down onto my back – Cassie and Harvey laughing at me as I did so.
“Stop being such a fucking pansy,” Harvey lectured and poked me harshly in the stomach, causing me to grunt again. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he then asked, his eyebrows raised.
“He could fucking... Ugh! I don’t know. I could say something stupid and he could completely fucking reject me,” I said loudly, my hands moving up to cover my eyes as I squeezed them shut. I brought my knees up to my chest and lay there on my back, bunched up. “Just... fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate this,” I groaned.
“Frank!” Cassie practically yelled. “Stop being so stupid! You’re going to talk to him and you’re going to become his friend. I’ll hit you if you don’t,” (she really could pack a punch!) “you won’t like that, will you?” I could tell she was grinning even with my eyes covered. Her voice had a sick-happy-twist to it that indicated her pleasure at the thought of punching me.
“No,” I mumbled and uncurled my body, sitting up and looking into her eyes sadly. “Just... Cass. Why am I so fucking awkward about this? Why can’t I just be like you guys and just have it thrown at me? Why do I have to like a guy I’ve never spoken to?”
“You may not even like him once you get to know him,” Harvey pointed out and I wanted to hit him so hard. I refrained though, just turning to glare at him in anger. “What?” he asked and threw his hands up. “You might not! He might be a total douche.”
He did have a point. I knew nothing about this guy that I was insane about. He might have been some crazed killer who ate his victims. A cannibal. But a part of me thought that even if he was cannibalistic, I would still like him. There was just something about him that enticed me.
-
Does anyone know how the html system-thingy works. I use (without the *) and it just comes up as /
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