FicWad

So I'm going to continue this story, and probably post a chapter every other day. Just as a fair warning, there's going to be implied prostitution, underage sex, drug abuse, violence, self harm, attempted suicide, and just about every bad thing you can think of. So be prepared.
-xoxo Pansy.

~~~~~

I walked down the busy- and dangerous- streets of New Jersey, trying to get a cab driver to pay attention to me. That was the problem with living where I lived with how young I was, no one wanted to pay attention to you, or they wanted to kill and rape you. It was a lovely place to live, but it didn't matter now, because I had to live with my fucking aunt and her idiotic family. I manged to flag down a cab, getting in and asking to go to the train station. They wanted me to fly, but I hated flying. Sure it would be faster and maybe even cheaper, but they were so annoying, and if that wasn't bad enough, they would force me to go to my aunt and uncles house faster. Something I did not want to do. I would stall it as long as possible. Not that they really cared, I know they don't want me and I'm just lucky they didn't put me into an orphanage.
The cab pulled up to the station and I got out, paying him and dragging my bags with me as I walked into it. There weren't many people, and I figured it was because no one really wanted to ride trains anymore. A shame really, my family loved trains. We rode them when ever we were going somewhere that took more than two hours to drive to. I walked down to the first out of three trains I would have to take to get to Nevada. I pulled out my ticket and sat in the waiting area for the train to come. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay here and live forever.
I sighed and got to my feet, boarding the train behind all of the other people. Not that there were all that many, only about ten really. I went to the seat in the back of the train car, sitting next to the window. I let his head fall against the glass as he looked out at the sun that shined like a mass of radiation. It was still so early, and I was going to be on this train for about a day and a half. The back train car only had ten other people in it, seven girls with two parents and one male that sat at the front reading a newspaper. The girls looked like they were only nine and ten, and I knew that the two female parents had some ridiculous reason as to why. I rolled one of the sleeves of my hoodie up, and staring out the window I picked at the scabbed cuts.
I had done it for as long as I can remember. I never had any real friends, and even though I tried to lay low in all of my classes, kids still picked on me. I guess in a few ways it was my fault for not being normal. If I was normal and had friends, they wouldn't have hated me. I couldn't ever allow myself to be something I wasn't though, -as cheesy as it sounds- I had to be myself. I had gone to a public school, and all of the kids there seemed to have had something against me, so kids being kids, they would tease me. Call me names in front of me, and behind my back. They even decided to beat me up every other week. One day, they had thrown everything they had at me, and I just couldn't take it. I wanted to kill myself, but I wanted to live.
So when my sister was at dance, my mom was out with her friends, and my father was out buying presents for my mothers birthday, I grabbed the dullest knife from the kitchen and took it up to my room. The first time I had ever done it, and it felt amazing. I had the door to my room locked, and was in the adjoining bathroom with that door locked as well. Looking back on it, they had to have known. I was so obvious about it. But the first time I did, I was extra cautious. I had put the small dull knife against my wrist, applied pressure, and slid it across my skin. The blood beaded to the top of my wrist, and spilled over, running like my emotions. It was truly an amazing feeling. I used it to get every bad emotion in my body out. Anger, hatred, lust, greed, sadness, the feeling of being alone, all of it would disappear along with my blood as it slid down the sink and into the drain. And even though I know they knew, they didn't say a word. Now, now they were dead and I was in a train by myself on my way to live with my aunt and uncle. Wouldn't this be a treat?
I licked the wound, and pulled the sleeve to my black hoodie down over my arm again. I pulled my messenger bag up to me, and pulled out my head phones and CD player. If there was one thing in the world that I could always rely on, it was music. It was here when I was born, and no doubt, it would be here long after I'm dead and gone. It always seemed to help me think, and other times, I would just get lost in the words and the notes and don't have to think about anything. Which is what I was attempting to do right now. I pressed play, and let all of my thoughts fall as quickly as the train was moving.
I was feeling weak and lightheaded from lack of food and sleep. It was consuming my entire body, making my head pound. I wanted to sleep, I really did, but I couldn't. I had tried but it's been a sleepless past few days. I never eat, it makes me feel somewhat sick. I never really ate anything when my family was alive, they didn't force me to eat, they didn't really care. I let a soft sigh slip past my lips and counted to seventeen. I guess for most people it was an odd number to count to, but I had done it every time I started to feel sick since I was five.
I needed caffeine, and now. It always made me feel better. It didn't make me feel jittery and I never crashed like most other people did. Instead, it made it to where I could concentrate for hours on things I hated to do, and when I did crash, I always got the best dreamless sleep I could ask for. It was kind of pathetic really, but I couldn't care less. I watched the sun rise higher in the sky, slowly reaching up to the top of the sky. I needed money so I could indulge in my habit of buying caffeine and cheap CD's. Of course, I knew I wasn't going to get any money from my new 'family.' I would have to go back to doing the one thing I hated most to get money. I remember the first time I did it, it was an awful experience.
I was completely out of money, and my parents never gave me anything unless it was some holiday. I realized that I was heavily addicted to caffeine, and my lovely mother had decided it was time to get rid of all of the caffeinated beverages in the house. Knowing that they wouldn't give me any money to buy caffeinated drinks for myself, or CD's for that matter, I realized what I had to do for money. I was only thirteen and I waited till everyone in my family had receded to their rooms for the night. My sister was already asleep, while my mom and dad would stay up for another two hours watching TV.
I never understood people's obsession with TV, it always seemed a little odd to me. The only thing I ever used the TV for was movies. But that's besides the point.
I had a large oak tree that grew by my window, and when I knew that my parents wouldn't come in my room for the rest of the night I put on my skimpiest outfit, and climbed out the window and down the tree. I wasn't worried about what might happen to me, something that looking back on, probably wasn't normal for a thirteen year-old gay boy walking the dangerous streets of New Jersey in a skin tight black shirt that rose slightly to show off my hips with my short shorts that just barley covered everything and high boots that went halfway up my shin.
I walked until I manged to get to the part of downtown that had plenty of bars, where I found an unoccupied corner and leaned against a thick brick wall. I stood there and waited, hoping that eventually someone would be willing to try and pick me up. Luckily, it only took about an hour. It was a male probably in his early twenties, in a black sports car. He looked a lot like a business man, and I figured he probably was one and it was a long week of work that made him want a little 'fun.'
"How much?" He asked in a slightly slurred deep voice. I walked over to his window, leaning on the framed of the door as I looked in at him.
"Fifty for a hand, hundred for a blow job, and if you even think I'm going to fuck you, you should leave now." I said in a somewhat harsh and seductive voice. He nodded at me.
"Get in." He said and I followed his directions, getting into the somewhat new car. It was a quick hundred bucks, and from there on out, I did it at least twice a week. I even spent an entire month out on the streets until a police officer caught me. Apparently, he had just thought I ran away from home, so I didn't get in any trouble, making it to where I could start back up again after a few months of living off the money I had made in that long cold month. After it though, I only did it once a week. I wasn't all that excited about having to do it every week again, but I knew I was probably going to have to.
I sighed as I looked out the window. The sun was going down, the sun was on the other side of the train, and I hadn't torn my gaze from my own window to look at the one across from me, so what would be the point in doing it now? I looked out as the sky got darker, wishing I could watch the sun go down. But I guess you can either chose to watch the sunrise, or the sunset. And at least sunrises gave me a sliver of hope. The way the sun would rise out of the darkness and illuminate the sky, proving that you could dig out of the dark and shine brighter than ever.
I closed my eyes, before turning off my CD player and letting it rest on my lap as I listened to the sound of the train continuing it's course. After about two hours of sitting in my seat doing nothing, the train came to a slow stop at the local station. I waited for everyone in front of me to pile out before even standing up and making my way down the isle to the door. I smiled at the smell of fresh air as I walked the short distance from the train to the building. Practically no one was in the small station, only about two business men. But it was only one room of an amazingly large building, and I wondered from the room, knowing that it would be at least an hour and half till the next train would come.
I dragged my bags to a washroom. After washing my hands I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. Heavy and dark bags circled under my dark brown dead fish eyes, framed with my blue glasses. I knew I wasn't going to be wearing these glasses when I got to Nevada, it would just give my new 'family' another reason to hate me. I sighed, taking my glasses off for a second to splash my face with water. It was nice and cool and helped wake me up a little.
I dug around in my pocket, producing a ten dollars, the pocket watch my sister gave me, and the razor I kept on me at all times. I gave a slight sigh of relief. I was getting that damned cup of coffee. I opened my pocket watch, checking the time. It was five in the fucking morning and I still hadn't eaten anything the day before. I put everything back in my pocket, placing my glasses back on the bridge of my nose, and walked out of the washroom.
I wondered around for a few minutes until I saw a small coffee shop and rushed over to it. It smelled heavenly. Like every good memory I ever had. Which is probably because all of my good memories have to deal with caffeine. It's an addiction I can't shake. I ordered my coffee, getting a little bit of money back and then started to walk to the train's boarding station. There would still be about another half hour till the train got to wherever I am, but I couldn't care less.