Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

by theescapist99 11 reviews

Gerard feels himself getting pushed closer to the edge. Will he break, or can Frank save him?

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: R - Genres: Angst,Drama - Characters: Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Warnings: [V] [R] - Published: 2011-03-17 - Updated: 2011-03-17 - 3014 words - Complete

A/N: Woah. Thanks for all the reviews you guys. I really do appreciate them. Anyway, I have a doozy of a chapter for you. I may not update for a bit after this, as I haven’t worked out how to quite write the chapter after this one. But that should be a clue to you that good things will be happening. ;)

Chapter Seven: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

"Gerard, you haven't eaten all day."

Mikey glared at his brother. They were having a last meal at a dingy diner before doing their first show in months. Pressure and tension was running high, and Mikey, Ray, and Frank were all nervous about the increasingly frail state of their singer. Gerard looked absolutely skeletal.

"I'm not hungry." Gerard muttered and he picked at his salad dish with a fork.

"Gerard, eat something right now before I shove it down your throat!", Mikey barked.

"Hey hey hey!", Ray chimed in, "No need to get aggressive, alright? Gerard, you can just eat after the show. But PLEASE, just eat SOMETHING, yeah?"

Gerard nodded and Mikey crossed his arms and huffed in frustration. Frank watched the exchange quietly. He really couldn't blame Mikey for being angry. Frank knew Mikey was just worried about Gerard, and didn't really know how to handle the situation without yelling. Hell, HE was worried about Gerard. They all were. Not just because he was their singer, but because it was always devastating watching someone you love fall apart right before your eyes.


They were getting ready for the show. Gerard was at his mirror, making sure to cover up any bruises and scars that could be exposed during the show. It wasn't hard -- James was always careful not to leave any marks on his face or arms, lest anyone notice them. Once he was finally good and covered, he checked the time. It was still early. He looked around at his assortment of make-up kits and found his black Sharpie marker. He hadn't written on himself yet as he usually did. After a while of thinking, he decided to do what he always did and just write how he felt. In big letters, he wrote the word 'UGLY' on his right arm. He cradled the arm and stared at the word for a while. He fought tears that threatened to fall.

"5 minutes till curtain!", he heard someone shout. Gerard sighed and went to the bathroom, having a quick vomit before he headed over to stand near the stage entrance. Frank was already there, drinking from a water bottle.

"Hey!", Frank greeted cheerily. Gerard knew he must be excited to get on stage again, even if tonight was just a one-off show to promote the new songs.

"Hey.", Gerard smiled at him, "You excited?"

"Hell yeah I am. Fucking Ray wa---- what is this?" Frank grabbed Gerard's arm and traced his fingers over the word he had written on it, the goofy grin he had just had now vanished. Gerard said nothing. Frank looked up at him.

"Explain yourself."

Gerard just offered him a small smile and said, "I don't know. Guess I just don't feel very pretty anymore."

"That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard in my life!", Frank almost laughed.

“Hold on.” He said, and suddenly he went off back in direction of the dressing room.

“Frank, where are you going?”, Gerard tried to call after him, “You’re going to miss----“

But almost as soon as he had left, Frank came darting back, Gerard’s sharpie marker in hand. He grabbed Gerard’s arm and quickly scribbled out the word. Then he got up real close to Gerard, to where their noses were nearly touching. Gerard could feel Frank’s breath, warm on his face. Gerard froze, his heart beating a million miles per second. Frank lifted a hand to Gerard’s chin and caressed it, and it was like time just stopped. What was he doing? Finally Frank used the hand he had on Gee’s chin and tilted his head upward, and Gerard could feel Frank pressing his marker against the skin of his neck. Finally, Frank stepped back.

“Much better. See?”, he said as he handed Gerard a hand mirror he had picked up. Gerard looked into it and traced his fingers over what Frank had written. It read ‘BEAUTIFUL’. Gerard could have cried. For just that moment, he felt a bit of his old strength returning. As he put down the mirror, Frank got close to him again. He put a hand on one side of Gerard’s face.

“You’re beautiful, Gerard. Don’t ever let anything or anyone tell you otherwise.”


They were currently playing Teenagers. Gerard figured had been doing well so far, but exhaustion had started to overcome him. He was dizzy. He tried to drink as much water as he could, but it wasn’t helping. He didn’t even think he could hear himself sing anymore. He saw Mikey looking at him worriedly. He saw the audience staring at him. Judging him. Seeing and observing his horrid misshapen-ness. His thigh started to hurt. He realized his pants must have been rubbing up against one of his wounds a bit too much. He tried to ignore it. He looked over to the side of the stage, and he saw James staring at him. He suddenly felt a thousand times more self-conscious than he already did. He stumbled around the stage trying to cover it up, and the pain in his thigh only increased until it was at the point of being unbearable. He could feel the blood running down his leg. Another wave of dizziness hit him, and suddenly the ground got closer, and he felt himself hitting it hard. It took himself a while to realize he must have fallen. People were laughing. He tried to get up but he couldn’t bring himself to --- his leg hurt too much. Gerard felt like a trapped, injured, obese animal that someone had put on display.

Eventually realizing he needed assistance, Mikey ran over and helped Gee up. Gerard did his best to continue on like nothing happened, but Mikey didn’t know who he thought he was fooling. He wasn’t sure if Gerard realized it, but Gerard was doing terrible tonight. And everyone knew it. He singing was off key, his movements were awkward and strained. Quite frankly – he seemed like he was in pain. He had looked over at his other band members, who had expressions that told him they were thinking the same thing. So much for their big comeback. Mikey knew the band had tried to respect what Gerard did behind closed doors, and he figured it was because they trusted him to at least not let it show in public appearances. Gerard had always loved his fans, they had thought he wouldn’t do anything to disappoint them. He guessed they were wrong.

It was time they put their foot down about this drug use thing, once and for all --- even if it meant hurting Gerard for now.


“Gerard, we need to talk.”

Mikey, Frank, Ray, and James were all seated on a couch in the backstage area. They appear to have been waiting for him. Gerard wondered what they had been saying about him before he got there.

“Okay…”, Gerard urged them to continue.

James cleared his throat, “Gerard, your drug use is really starting to affect the band.”

Gerard’s blood boiled. How dare he? He glared at James and James gave him a challenging look back, as though to say “Try me.”

“Dude, you sucked tonight.” Mikey interrupted the glaring death match.

Gerard shook his head. “I’m feeling a little under the weather.”

“You keep saying that!”, Mikey yelled exasperatedly. “How fucking stupid do you think we are? Can’t you at least try to come up with different excuses, and NOT insult our intelligence?”

“Mikey…”, Gerard muttered, not really sure with what he intended to follow that with.

“No! You know what? I’m fucking done with this band unless you decide to stop acting like a fucking 21 year old, sneaking around and doing drugs!”, Mikey shrieked and made to storm off.

“NO!” Gerard screamed, and Mikey stopped. Gerard was holding back tears again, and it was the hurt in his voice that rooted Mikey where he stood, at least long enough to hear what he had to say.

“Wait….” Gerard pleaded, “Please don’t…..I’m not…. I’m not doing drugs… I….”

“Then what’s going on Gerard?”, Frank asked gently.

Gerard looked at James, whose expression was unreadable. And he looked at Mikey, whose expression had turned into one of annoyance. James’ threat echoed in his mind:

‘Tell anyone…anyone at all…and I’ll not only kill you, but I’ll go after Mikey too. And I’ll tell him all the ways I fucked you while I fuck him before I slice his pretty little neck open…. you know I can do it….’

Gerard, who had had his mouth open in an effort to speak, closed it suddenly, and hung his head in defeat.

“I fucking knew it.” Mikey muttered before storming off. There was a moment of silence before Ray followed suit, and Frank did as well, but not without one last worried glance at Gerard.


On the way home, no one had spoken. So once they actually got home, they were all extremely glad to be. James said his farewell to everyone and drove home and Mikey and Ray went to bed immediately. This left Frank and Gerard alone together.

Gerard dashed to make himself a cup of coffee. It was just what he needed during a horrible ordeal like this. To his surprise, Frank followed him.

“Something you wanna talk about?” Frank asked as they both sat down with their mugs.

“No. Nothing.”, Gerard tried to keep it short. He hated lying to his best friends.

“Look I’m not saying I agree with Mikey about everything, but he is right about one thing --- you’re really insulting everyone’s intelligence by assuming we’ll believe you every time you say you’re fine. Actions speak a lot louder than words, Gee. And your actions have been screaming that there’s something up.”

Gerard sighed, “I don’t care if you believe me. I just want everyone to leave me alone. Lay off.”

Suddenly Frank laughed. Gerard raised an eyebrow at him.

“That’s not going to happen.” Frank said bluntly.

“And why not?”, Gerard asked.

“We love you way too much.”

Gerard stared.

“Don’t you understand?” Frank continued on, “You’re just so important to us! Not just as our singer but as our best friend, or for Mikey, as an older brother! We don’t want anything to happen to you! We don’t want to repeat the same mistake we made last time you got all hopped up on drugs and have it go by unnoticed! We’ll do anything to help you, Gerard, even if it means not being a band anymore. That’s why Mikey did what he did earlier. He doesn’t care about the band anymore. He just wants his big brother back.”

Gerard blinked back tears. “He’s mad at me…”, he whispered.

“Well, yeah Gerard, we all are a little bit…”, Frank said hesitantly. “…but only because we’re just a little disappointed is all…”

This was too much.

“I’m not doing drugs, Frank.”


“No, I’m serious.” Gerard stopped wiping at his eyes and looked Frank in the face, unblinkingly. “I haven’t done any drugs at all. I haven’t done a single drug since I was 29. I’m. Not. On. Drugs. I swear it.”

“Well then, for the thousandth time Gerard – WHAT is going on with you?”

Gerard looked down again. He realized he hadn’t exactly thought this through.

“I can’t tell you Frank.”

“Why not? Gerard, if there’s something putting you in danger…”

“I just can’t… okay, maybe later, but I can’t tell you right now. I – I have it handled. I got this. Just please, as my best friend, please believe me --- I haven’t been doing drugs.”

Frank’s eyes grew wide.

“You really haven’t?”

“No. I promise.”

Frank smiled, “I knew I knew you better than that.”

Suddenly he jumped over on Gerard’s lap and pulled him into a tight embrace, which Gee returned happily.

“I’ll talk to Mikey in the morning.” Frank told Gerard.

“Okay…” Gerard nodded. Well, it was a step forward.

Eventually, Frank went to bed. And an exhausted Gerard was ready to go to sleep as well when his iPhone vibrated. He looked at it and saw a text from James:

‘I’m still here. Parked across the street. Meet me there.’


“You almost blew our fucking cover you little shit!”

James dealt another blow to Gerard’s chest. James had spent the last thirty minutes kicking a currently shirtless Gerard repeatedly in every area he could reach. Another lower blow. Gerard screamed.

“Fuck, James, I think a rib just broke! Please! Stop!”, he sobbed.

“Fuck you!” James yelled back and continued to kick at him. Gerard tried to curl into a ball to shield himself, but it didn’t help much. He was sitting in the corner of yet another motel room, while a very angry James had been giving him quite the beating.

Suddenly, James stopped kicking at him and grabbed him by the hair, pulling him onto the bed.

“Someone’s been a bad boy. Bad boys deserve to be punished.” James smirked. He reached for something on the nightstand. Gerard realized with horror that it was his curling iron.

“Yeah I picked this baby up while you were picking your beauty supplies out for the show tonight. Been heating up this whole time. It goes up to what 450 degrees? I don’t know,” he said almost nonchalantly, “I just set it to the max. Oh, and by the way, I left your band a little surprise of a present in the bathroom before I left.”

“What?” Gerard questioned apprehensively.

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about it now, I’m sure you’ll find out in the morning.” James said as he gently unfolded both of his arms that had been crossed around Gerard’s already beaten body. Gee was trembling. James laughed as Gerard made his fear more and more evident.

And without any more warning, James started beating Gerard’s chest and stomach with a 450 degree stick of metal.

Gerard screamed uncontrollably, gripping at the sheets from the pain. The burning sensation was overwhelming. He knew some of these scars were never going to heal. He would carry them with him forever, as a reminder. His skin would become more shriveled and ugly than it already was.

James continued to roll the piping hot curling iron all over Gerard. At some point he stopped and eyed the curling iron with interest. “This is actually pretty thin. I wonder….”, he mumbled to himself. Evidently wanting to satisfy his curiosity, he put down the curling iron and took off Gerard’s pants. Even Gerard couldn’t see where he was going with this. Smirking, James made Gerard turn over and fingered at his entrance a bit. Normally, this would be rather painful, but considering the fact that Gerard was now burned all over and quite possibly had a broken rib, he was almost a little numb.

James laughed again and he took the curling iron back into his hand. Removing his other hand from the inside of Gerard’s anus, he grabbed one of Gerard’s buttocks and pulled it aside as far as it would go. Then, he took the 450 degree hot curling iron, and shoved it hard into Gerard’s entrance, hammered it in, pushing it as deep as it would go.

Gerard let out an ear shattering scream, and then finally, passed out from the pain.


Gerard opened his eyes. Daylight was pouring in through the window. He looked around and he was back in his room. Had it been a dream? He moved a bit and felt an extreme amount of pain wash over him. Guess not.

He lay in bed for what felt like the next few hours, as he couldn’t seem to find the strength or willingness to move. He was hoping for Frank to come find him. He remembered Frank saying something about talking to Mikey. Maybe this could be it. Maybe this could be when he could finally tell them. He wanted to, he wanted to oh so badly.

Sure enough, he eventually heard Frank’s voice down the hall. He couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he heard footsteps coming closer. The door swung open. Gerard made to greet his friend, but he didn’t get the chance to.

“THE FUCK IS THIS?” Frank yelled. He then threw something at Gerard, a bag of some sort. Gerard picked it up and saw that it was indeed a baggie of cocaine. Fuck.

“Frank, I --- “

“No, fuck your excuses! It was one thing for you to be fucking using again, but deliberately look me in the fucking face and lie to me like that?”

Gerard had started to cry again, “No please, Frank this isn’t mine!”

“Oh and I suppose its Ray’s, or Mikey’s, or mine? I found it in OUR bathroom! Fuck you Gerard, I’m fucking done trying to help you.”

Frank shook his head before leaving and slamming the door behind him. Gerard spent the next few hours sobbing hysterically, his physical pain being completely forgotten in favor of Frank’s far more hurtful words.

Next chapter: Feeling more alone than ever, Gerard is ready to give up the will to fight. But then the possibility of hope finds him at last.
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