FicWad

Frank’s P.O.V.
Right when I got home, I made myself dinner. I don’t know how I forced myself to eat. Every bite I took I wished I would’ve just choked. I was actually praying to choke. Every time I took a bite, I felt my heart drop in my chest because I knew Gerard was sitting somewhere, with someone, not caring about me. Every moment I continued to exist, I was only hurting someone, and hurting myself more. This life is just plaguing everyone. I want the hurting to stop. I want it to stop so bad. I can’t handle it anymore. I just want it to stop…
Maybe I could try… One last time… To work this out with Gerard. He was my only hope. I don’t know how I can put my life back together if I have no one to help. I refuse to even try without Gerard. I just don’t know how to handle myself. I can’t trust me, I’m my own worst enemy, and I’ve only loved one person in my life. Gerard.
Ray always said that I was just using him for sex. He and I were never together like that, though. I loved Gerard like crazy, with or without contact. Ray always said that I cheated on Gerard with Mikey because I was just a stupid sex starved 22 year old. He doesn’t even know what actually happened.
(Flashback) A few months ago, I was downstairs waiting for Gerard. We were going to go see a movie, and hang out a little afterward. As I was waiting, Mikey sat beside me, which wasn’t unusual.
“Hey, Frank…” Mikey said, smirking.
“Oh, hey Mikes.” I greeted him.
Then he put his hand on my leg. At this point, I was a little creeped out, and I didn’t think anytime would be bad for Gerard to come down.
“What’s wrong, Frankie?” Mikey asked, smirking.
“Um… You’ve got your hand on my thigh… Maybe now’s the time to move it.” I suggested.
Then he leaned over and kissed me, he was latched to my face. I couldn’t tear him off. Then for some reason, it started to feel right, so I slowly stopped struggling. Before I knew it Mikey and I were just sitting on the couch having a giant make-out session when Gerard walked down.
“M-Mikey… Fr-Frank… Wh-What are you two doing?” He asked quietly.
Mikey got off me that instant. I couldn’t move. It just occurred to me what was happening.
“G-Go… Mikey… Go spend the night with Ray or Bob… Just get out.” He said, sounding hurt.
“Gerard, I didn’t mean to-” Mikey started.
“I don’t care, Mikey. Get out…” Gerard said, looking angry.
“O-Okay…” Mikey agreed and walked out.
It was just me and Gerard. He was staring at the steps, and he looked devastated. I was so mad at myself. I knew I was going to lose him forever.
“W-Why?” He asked, still staring at the floor.
“I… I… Um…” I said, trying to find the right words.
“How long has this been going on?” He asked in a whisper.
“It just happened this time… G-Gerard, I’m so sorry…” I could feel the tears building up in my eyes.
“Did you enjoy it?” He asked again, sounding serious. “Do you like Mikey more than me?”
“No Gerard, you know that…” I said, trying to reassure him.
“No, I don’t know that Frank. I really don’t.” He said, he was telling me the truth.
“I love you, Gerard.” That was the first time I’d ever said I loved someone I wasn’t related to, it’d be the last.
“Frank, I love you… I don’t believe for a minute that you love me.” His voice went from a whisper to something more audible as he continued to stare at the steps.
“Gerard, I’m so sor-” He cut me off.
“I think it’s time you left, Frank.” He suggested. “I think it’s time you leave, and find someone else…”
“I-I’m so sorry Gerard…”I said, I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
He put his hand up in my general direction.
“Leave. Please. Just give me that…”He asked.
“Al-Alright Gerard…” I began as I walk to the door. “I-I love you…”
He pointed at the door and continued to stare at the steps.
“I’m sorry…” I started to cry as I walked out.
The rest of the night was a painful blur.(Out of flashback)
I grabbed my keys and walked outside. I was going to go to Gerard’s house. Not seeing him was killing me. I need you, Gerard. Please, I need you. It was freezing cold outside, and I had to walk about a block to get to my car. When I finally opened the door and climbed in, I got nervous. I knew Gerard would be pissed to see me at his house. I knew it.
I started to put the key in the ignition, I shook. Today wasn’t going to end well. When I finally managed to slip the keys into the ignition, and start the car, I was sure what I was doing would ruin my life. Well, ruin it more.
His house wasn’t far from mine. When we were kids, we’d lived on the same block, now he only lives a few blocks away. Which was nice when he and I were together. Now it seems like he’s a million miles away.
I drove over, got out of the car, and convinced myself I had a pair. Just f*ing do it Frank! You can’t fix this if you don’t try! You need Gerard! You can’t live without him, and if you don’t have him, you won’t let yourself live!
I walked up to his door and took a deep breath. Then I knocked on the door.
“One minute!” I heard Gerard call from inside. Oh thank god. I needed to hear him speak again. His voice was like velvet. Oh, please, Gerard, open the door.
“Ok, I’m here,” He started as he opened the door. “Oh… Hey Frank… What are you doing here so late?”
“I need to talk to you. Please Gerard.” I begged.
“Okay, come in. Ray’s hanging out. Just go ahead and sit on the couch, I’ll be down in a few minutes.” He said, sounding like talking to me was tedious and stupid.
I sat down on the couch. Then I felt a pain in my chest as Gerard walked up the steps. This was the couch that I was on when I lost him. I shook my head so that way I could stop thinking about how stupid I was. As if that would’ve helped. Then I looked over and saw Ray in the doorway.
“What are you doing here?” He questioned.
“I’m going to talk to Gerard.” I replied, not looking at Ray.
“Frank. I think you should know something…” He said.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I chuckled.
“Gerard and I are… Seeing each other.” He said, approaching the couch.
“W-What?!” I demanded. My heart had just been torn out. I can’t believe it. I could feel my breathing get irregular, and the tears rolling down my face.
“I’m sorry, man.” He said, sitting next to me. “If it’s any consolation, he doesn’t love you anymore…” Then a wicked smile grew on his face. “He told me you meant nothing to him anymore. He told me you’re worthless now. You have no value to him. I hope it helps you get over him.”
I stared at him, shocked. “But…” I whispered.
“He practically hates you, Frank.” He said, the grin still on his face.
I started crying heavily. What was I doing here, anyway? I knew Gerard hated me. There was no point in trying anymore. I only felt the hole in my chest getting bigger, tearing me apart more and more as I thought about Gerard. I hugged myself to see if the vortex would stop growing. It only got worse. It felt like I was breathing under water. I was choking on the air.
I gasped when Gerard walks down the steps. I looked at him one last time, tears still streaming down my face, still holding myself together. He gave me a puzzled look. I stood up and continued to look at him, crying.
“Goodbye Gerard.” I whispered as I started to walk out.
I guess I got what I wanted, in a way. I got to hear his voice, and I got to find out how the rest of my life would go. The only downside is that I hurt even more than I did before.
The only time my arms dropped from my side is when I opened the door to get out of there. I didn’t think I could afford to let my sides go. If I did, my insides would just splatter all over the place. At least Ray was honest. At least I didn’t have to hear Gerard say it, then laugh at me for still loving him.
I got in my car and just drove for a while. One hand on the steering wheel and the other still holding myself together. I felt like I could burst at any minute. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to kill myself. I have nothing without Gerard. Not a thing. Everything is gone now… There’s nothing left for me to do…
“Gerard…” I’d whisper to myself every now and again, just to remember who brought me to life.