FicWad

Stuck between heaven and hell, what's a girl going to do? Not really wanting to end up in heaven if Cutler went to hell, I asked, "So if I spend more time with you than with James, will I end up going to hell too?" It was weird how my voice sounded hopeful, but to be honest, I didn't care where I ended up as long as it was with Cutler. Even hell did not bother me if Cutler was there.

Cutler offered me a stiff smile before shaking his head and replying, "No. You're far from ending up where I am. You do know you shouldn't be here with me right now, do you not?" Rolling my eyes, I shrugged and said, "Maybe. I don't care about this though. I just want to be with you. I still love you regardless of you changing my fate or whatever."

"I believe you are not taking this seriously," Cutler said, all hints of a smile vanishing from his lips. "Do you have any idea just how awful it would be to be stuck between heaven and hell for eternity?" It didn't sound nice, but it didn't sound bad considering that you could burn in a pit of fire in hell for the rest of your life. To me, this option sounded better than hell.

"At least I wouldn't be burning up in agony for the rest of my years," I pointed out. Cutler's lips curved again in a small smile. Finally, he said, "You know I do not approve of you here and now you know the reason why. It seems I have disturbed your future enough. Perhaps you should go back to Mr. Norrington now?" It was more of a command than a request.

Not in any mood to be ordered about, I frowned and protested, "I'd rather be with you." Cutler bit his lip and nodded, "Yes, that's rather obvious. You do know how I feel about this." I did. He didn't want me around anymore. I was bothering him. I was a reminder of how he had changed both of our destinies. Suddenly, curiosity sparked through me and I had to ask a question.

"What would've happened to you if you had never met me?" I asked with interest. Sighing, Cutler replied, "You remember how I married? I would've stayed married, had a child with the woman I married, and then I would have died in the battle against those filthy pirates." To be honest, I didn't think this was all that great of a destiny, but Cutler seemed to have his own opinions on the subject.

"Would you have preferred that?" I asked, wondering if Cutler regretting not having child with that bitch. Well, okay, that other woman. I won't call her a bitch. Cutler shot me a funny look and replied, "It is not about what we would 'prefer'. It is merely about making sure the world continues to spin in the proper direction." His eyes automatically traveled to his map lying on his desk.

"I gave you a child though," I protested, wanting to get at least some credit here. Cutler didn't even bother looking at me as he replied, "You know as well as I that it is a bastard child." Crossing my arms a bit indignantly, I asked, "Does it even matter? It contains as much of you in it as it does of me. At least our child was made of love. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Cutler exhaled loudly and gave me a pointed look, "It was not meant to be. It was a mistake. If I could go back, I would do everything over. Since I cannot, I shall learn to move on. I would recommend you to do the same." Once again, he was trying to kick me out. I didn't want to leave though. He was going to have to kick me out in order to get me to leave.

"Please let me stay with you now?" I begged, looking up at him with pleading eyes. Cutler didn't soften. He shook his head and pointed to fingers to the door. My lip trembled and he finally softened slightly. He scooted closer to me on the bed and tilted my chin up so that our eyes locked. Blue locked with blue and hand clasped with hand.

"See you miserable you are? It was not suppose to be like this," Cutler murmured. "It seems that the only way for us both to be content is if we move on and forget. You do understand this, do you not?" Cutler was right. I did understand his logic. However, in my opinion, I thought we should just stay with each other at this point. Hadn't we already messed fate up enough so that a bit more couldn't hurt? If I was already doomed to be stuck between heaven and hell, then why bother isolating ourselves from one another?

Cutler was firm. I was going to have to leave. I stood up to go, but Cutler grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down on the bed. Confused, I asked, "What?" Another small smile twisted Cutler's lips and he raised an eyebrow as he asked, "Please say you weren't actually thinking about going out like that." Not seeing what was wrong with me, I looked down and realized I was still half naked.

"Oh," I replied, blushing a dark crimson color. I brought the hands to the back of my dress to lace it up, but Cutler's hands were already there. He turned me around so my back was to him. After pushing one of my arms through the sleeve of the dress, Cutler adjusted the neckline, letting one of his hands wander over my bare breast.

"Oh god," I whimpered as Cutler caressed me one last time. He kneaded the fleshy lump and rubbed his finger pad over my nipple before pulling the dress up over my chest. His fingers expertly tied it up and he adjusted it behind me. Wanting more than the little teaser he had given me, I looked over my shoulder with a pout and moaned, "Cutler...please..."

"Not Cutler, it's Lord Beckett now," Cutler said firmly, standing up as I did. Knowing that I was never going to get rid of his rigidity, I finally nodded and replied, "As you request, my Lord." Cutler's expression was unreadable. He suddenly reached out, grabbed my shoulders, and kissed me roughly before pushing me to the door. My lips continued to tremble from the kiss and excitement flowed through my body. I wanted more. God, I wanted so much. Sometimes, you just had to take what you could get though.

As I went to the door, Cutler (or should I start calling him Beckett now?) called after me, "Miss Cook?" I stopped and turned around in the doorway to look at him curiously. Beckett gave me one last look and said, "You're dismissed from your job as my assistant." Basically, in other words, he never wanted to see me again. Deep inside, I had kind of been expecting this.

Nodding, I stepped out of Beckett's cabin and made a point to never step inside it again. I felt my heart breaking within my chest as I went to go back to my cabin. James was there, blank-faced and oblivious to everything. Feeling miserable, I laid own and cried for the man I had lost, the future I could've had, and the man I loved more than anything in this world.

The next few months went by quite slowly. I became sicker and sicker as I became more pregnant. It was just a normal, rather boring day when I happened to be standing by Will at the helm. Will and I had become rather good friends as time went on. Afer all, Will was the only one who still was sane. James recognized me about once a week and Beckett was now Beckett, not Cutler.

"I do miss Elizabeth very much," Will was telling me as the two of us gazed out over the sea. "Did I tell you she was pregnant? She was going to have a son." Raising my eyebrows at him, I asked, "And how do you for sur eknow that it's going to be a son? Oh god, you're like a fortune teller now, aren't you? You can do pretty much everything you want to do."

Will started to protest, but I suddenly felt a little liquid dripping down my leg. Oh shit, I had this happen right before I had my first son. Looking at Will in alarm, I murmured, "Uh, I think I should go now." Will, who had apparently been enjoying our conversation, looked at me in confusion and asked, "But why?" His gaze went to my legs and he said, "Oh."

Despite the fact that this was so humiliating, I asked Will, "There aren't any doctors on the ship, are there?" Will thought for a momen and then nodded, "Well, there was one, but I think he's completely lost it by now. He's been on the Flying Dutchman for even longer than Mr. Norrington." That wasn't good. After all, James didn't even remember who he was most of the time.

"Hm," I said, "Well, I suppose I'm going to have to do it myself then." I wasn't too excited about having a baby by myself, but what else could I do? I couldn't think of any other options at the moment. Randomly, I wished my mother was here. She had helped me so much when I had given birth to little James. She had even been the one to save him when I couldn't keep pushing.

"Are you sure?" Will asked apprehensively, looking down at me with a frown. He was apparently just as nervous as me about having the baby alone. Unfortunately, I didn't see much choice in this situation. I could either have the baby alone or ask James for help. The latter alternative was kind of out of the question because even if James was in a normal state, I was sure he wouldn't remember me as his wife and would refuse to help me give birth. He would consider that immoral or whatever.

"Yes, I'm sure," I told Will even though I wasn't quite sure. "Besides, I don't really have any other options, do I?" Will thought for a moment. He looked like he was battling something in his head. Finally, he gave me a nervous look and offered, "I could help you if you want. I know it's embarrassing, but I just want to make sure you're alright."

It was a nice offer of Will, but I couldn't accept. I mean, having Will look between my legs was just not going to work. Offering him a slightt smile, I replied, "Thanks, but I can do it on my own. I'll be fine." I tried to make my voice sound confident, but my last statement came out as more of a question than a sentence. Would I be fine? Would the baby be fine?

"Well, alright then," Will agreed. "But you can always come to me if you need to." I gave him a thankful look and figured I had put this off long enough. I hurried across the deck and went down the stairs to the lower deck as fast as I could without falling over like last time. Once I was below deck, I had to figure out where I would do this. There weren't many options.

Thinking carefully, I realized that my only options were James' cabin or the storage area at the back of the ship. I would have had it in James' cabin, but with James in his fragile mindset, I didn't want to go there and freak him out. No, the storage area was going to be my best bet. I went all the way down to the end of the ship and twisted the doorknob to the storage room.

Now in the storage room, I looked around a bit nervously. The room was small and dark. Dried food, rum bottles, and other junk was set up all over the room. Noticing a dirty blanket in the corner of the room, I grabbed it, cleared an area on the floor, and then laid down on it. It was not ideal, but there wasn't exactly time for anything else at the moment.

I laid there stiffly and waited for something to happen. Suddenly, a cramping feeling hit me straight on in the belly. Gasping for breath, I split my legs and started pushing. I wasn't great at doing this without anyone's help. I had no idea how long I should be pushing for or how it was coming along. As time went on, it got harder and harder and the baby was still not out. Agony was rising over me in a slow river. I was drowning in it, completely unable to resist. Screams flew from my mouth and reverberated around the room. I didn't feel like I could keep going. I was going to have to stop. But what of the baby? Would it die inside me?