Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Goodbye And Goodluck
DESOLÉ
FLASH BACK
It was a rainy, rather miserable morning, weather wise at least. I opened my stinging and tired eyes to see Gerard still dozing in front of me. I grinned softly and kissed him awake gently. He opened his eyes and beamed at me when he saw me and I laughed quietly. We were alone, parked in front of the hotel. His band was inside, along with mine. We had given up a night of luxury so we could have privacy to, well, y’know…
“Good morning beautiful.” Gerard said in a hushed and groggy tone. I yawned and stretched my hand underneath the pillow. I felt something cold, metallic and some glassy. My brow furrowed I cautiously pulled out the two objects to find it was a razor blade and a mirror covered in a thin coating of fine white powder. I felt my heart catch in my chest as I sat up. Gerard, not knowing what I had happened across sat up too.
“Gerard…what is this?” I asked even though I already knew, my voice shaking terribly along with my fingers as I held out the objects. Gerard saw what I had found and hung his head in shame.
“Babe I was gonna tell you, I was.” He started, his voice apologetic and ashamed.
“Tell me what? That you’ve been snorting coke?” I asked, my anger rising with the volume of my voice. Gerard rubbed his temples with his fingertips and wouldn’t look at me. I stood up and threw the cursed paraphernalia to the ground. The sound of the shattering mirror was deafening in the silence of the tour bus. And after all that was left were the sound on my heavy breathing and the rain on the windows.
“I only use it before shows sometimes. Y’know, to get pumped up.” Gerard tried to explain, finally looking me in the eyes. I could tell by his changed expression that he wished he hadn’t.
“Who gave it to you?” I barked. Gerard started to say something incoherent but I wasn’t having it. “WHO GAVE IT TO YOU?” I shouted down at him.
“It was Bert! Bert sold it to me!” Gerard shouted back, standing up as well. And angry heat fell through my chest and spread all throughout my body.
“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him!” I yelled out, making my way toward the tour bus door. Gerard grabbed my wrist and tried to yank me back. I grabbed the bottle of unopened champagne on top of the microwave and threw it to the floor where it shattered and fizzed and bubbled all over the floor, gushing around our feet. Gerard let go of me and just stared in shock at what I had done.
I was crying now, crying very hard. I was only a nineteen year old girl who’d grown up a little too fast for her liking. This was one hell of a mess I had gotten myself into. I needed to get out. I had to escape it. It was time run away again.
“Babe, don’t cry. Come on. Come here, let me fix this.” Gerard begged, trying to make a move toward me. I put my shaking hands up to keep him away and stood there, crying so hard that it caused me to be crunched over as if I had a sickening stomach ache. I was angry and betrayed and hurt. I knew what I had to do.
Struggling slightly, I tried to yank the diamond ring off of my finger. It was a little too tight which made getting it off a hassle. It was as if Gerard had made it so that I could never leave him.
“What are you doing?” he asked, even though he probably knew.
“What does it look like? I’m leavin’ you!” I snapped at him, my finger finally released from the gold band’s grip. “Take your st-stupid ring back!” I sobbed, slamming it down on the counter. Gerard furrowed his brow and stared to come toward me again.
“You made your choice. I don’t need some drugged up husband.” I said coldly. This stopped Gerard in his tracks and I made a B-line for the door.
Once outside in the rain I ran to the street and hailed a taxi. Only once I was inside did I look back to see Gerard standing outside the tour bus in the pouring rain. I looked away because I felt a sharp pang of loneliness surge through my heart. I wanted to jump out of the moving cab and back into Gerard’s arms but didn’t move a muscle. The next thing I did was call Milo and tell him I wasn’t doing the tour anymore and to ask him to get my things from Gerard’s bus...
PRESENT
The entire car ride to the venue was filled with anxiety, the worst memory in my life and the worst case of nerves I’d ever had. It was even worse than my first show, which had me so scared I puked twice. I could practically feel the bile rising in my throat as we approached the amphitheater. I couldn’t hold back a gag as I stepped out of the car and the first thing I was greeted with was the familiar MCR tour bus.
“Hey, how ya holding up?” Milo asked, sneaking up behind me and putting his arm around my shoulder. I shook my head, fearing that if I opened my mouth I would be sick all over our shoes.
“I can’t do this. I can’t face him. Please don’t make me do this.” I begged, turning around back toward Milo and trying to walk in the opposite direction. Milo sighed and turned me back around. He kept a firm around my waist and pushed me forward to the busses. Milo just kept right on marching me along until we were at the door of the MCR bus. I could hear laughter, people enjoying themselves. I could hear Gerard’s voice…
“Look who finally made it!” Milo cheered, practically shoving me into the center of attention. Everybody looked up at me but I had my eyes on only one person.
He sat there, his fiancé Lindsey sitting in his lap, as beautiful as ever. He was still pale with black hair, but it was a lot shorter. Last time I had seen his face was on the cover of a magazine and his hair had been white. He must’ve dyed it back again. Lindsey was beautiful too. She had black hair in messy pig tails, fair skin and rosy red lips. They looked perfect together, a match made in heaven. And here I was with my mousy brown hair and skin so pale it was see-through. I felt jealous of Lindsey’s good looks and suddenly more insecure about myself.
“Hey, it’s good to see you again.” Frank said, waking me from my thoughts with a big hug. Soon everybody was lined up and hugging me and telling me how much they had missed it. It was slightly awkward, but I had missed them all just as much and maybe more.
Finally it Gerard’s turn. He pulled me in close as he had done so many times before and I pressed my face against his chest. He smelled terrible, like week old laundry. I was used to it though. Early on he would go for weeks without showering. And even though he smelled bad, I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to stay in that moment of comfort for the rest of the tour, forever even.
Then Gerard broke away and Lindsey pranced up to me, her pig tails bouncing playfully. Her smiled revealed gorgeous cheek bones and two rows of white teeth and I felt another pang of jealousy rush through me.
“Wow! You’re even prettier than Gerard said you were!” She beamed, hugging me. She smelled like fresh peaches and acrylic paint. I doubted that Gerard had said anything positive about me to her, but as least she was nice enough to pretend. She was lovely inside and out; another bitter wave ran through me to my toes. I felt awful and guilty for feeling like this, but my heart seemed to have a mind of its own.
“Thank you. It’s so good to be back on the road with you guys.” I said, feigning a smile and taking a seat next to Milo. He patted my knee, the only source of comfort I felt since Gerard had hugged me.
I sat and chatted, trying to be friendly and social but all I really wanted to do was go into our bus and cry for a good long time. Eventually we were told that we had to get going before dark and we all set off to our busses. I locked myself in our busses tiny bathroom and curled up in the miniscule shower and let it all out.
“Honey, don’t cry. Your gonna die of dehydration if you keep this up.” Milo warned from outside. Maybe he was right, if I was lucky.
“God she’s so p-pretty!” I stammered loudly through the door. I heard Milo cluck his tongue sympathetically. “I’m sorry, I’m just such a mess lately. I just don’t know what to do!” I whined pathetically.
“I know baby, I know. Why don’t you take a hot shower and then go to bed. You’ve had a hard day. You just need to rest, okay sweetie?” Milo offered. I cried a little louder and he sighed sadly. “I’m gonna go get the other guys, okay? You just calm yourself down.” he instructed. I told him I would and then waited until his was gone to start the hot water.
FLASH BACK
It was a rainy, rather miserable morning, weather wise at least. I opened my stinging and tired eyes to see Gerard still dozing in front of me. I grinned softly and kissed him awake gently. He opened his eyes and beamed at me when he saw me and I laughed quietly. We were alone, parked in front of the hotel. His band was inside, along with mine. We had given up a night of luxury so we could have privacy to, well, y’know…
“Good morning beautiful.” Gerard said in a hushed and groggy tone. I yawned and stretched my hand underneath the pillow. I felt something cold, metallic and some glassy. My brow furrowed I cautiously pulled out the two objects to find it was a razor blade and a mirror covered in a thin coating of fine white powder. I felt my heart catch in my chest as I sat up. Gerard, not knowing what I had happened across sat up too.
“Gerard…what is this?” I asked even though I already knew, my voice shaking terribly along with my fingers as I held out the objects. Gerard saw what I had found and hung his head in shame.
“Babe I was gonna tell you, I was.” He started, his voice apologetic and ashamed.
“Tell me what? That you’ve been snorting coke?” I asked, my anger rising with the volume of my voice. Gerard rubbed his temples with his fingertips and wouldn’t look at me. I stood up and threw the cursed paraphernalia to the ground. The sound of the shattering mirror was deafening in the silence of the tour bus. And after all that was left were the sound on my heavy breathing and the rain on the windows.
“I only use it before shows sometimes. Y’know, to get pumped up.” Gerard tried to explain, finally looking me in the eyes. I could tell by his changed expression that he wished he hadn’t.
“Who gave it to you?” I barked. Gerard started to say something incoherent but I wasn’t having it. “WHO GAVE IT TO YOU?” I shouted down at him.
“It was Bert! Bert sold it to me!” Gerard shouted back, standing up as well. And angry heat fell through my chest and spread all throughout my body.
“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him!” I yelled out, making my way toward the tour bus door. Gerard grabbed my wrist and tried to yank me back. I grabbed the bottle of unopened champagne on top of the microwave and threw it to the floor where it shattered and fizzed and bubbled all over the floor, gushing around our feet. Gerard let go of me and just stared in shock at what I had done.
I was crying now, crying very hard. I was only a nineteen year old girl who’d grown up a little too fast for her liking. This was one hell of a mess I had gotten myself into. I needed to get out. I had to escape it. It was time run away again.
“Babe, don’t cry. Come on. Come here, let me fix this.” Gerard begged, trying to make a move toward me. I put my shaking hands up to keep him away and stood there, crying so hard that it caused me to be crunched over as if I had a sickening stomach ache. I was angry and betrayed and hurt. I knew what I had to do.
Struggling slightly, I tried to yank the diamond ring off of my finger. It was a little too tight which made getting it off a hassle. It was as if Gerard had made it so that I could never leave him.
“What are you doing?” he asked, even though he probably knew.
“What does it look like? I’m leavin’ you!” I snapped at him, my finger finally released from the gold band’s grip. “Take your st-stupid ring back!” I sobbed, slamming it down on the counter. Gerard furrowed his brow and stared to come toward me again.
“You made your choice. I don’t need some drugged up husband.” I said coldly. This stopped Gerard in his tracks and I made a B-line for the door.
Once outside in the rain I ran to the street and hailed a taxi. Only once I was inside did I look back to see Gerard standing outside the tour bus in the pouring rain. I looked away because I felt a sharp pang of loneliness surge through my heart. I wanted to jump out of the moving cab and back into Gerard’s arms but didn’t move a muscle. The next thing I did was call Milo and tell him I wasn’t doing the tour anymore and to ask him to get my things from Gerard’s bus...
PRESENT
The entire car ride to the venue was filled with anxiety, the worst memory in my life and the worst case of nerves I’d ever had. It was even worse than my first show, which had me so scared I puked twice. I could practically feel the bile rising in my throat as we approached the amphitheater. I couldn’t hold back a gag as I stepped out of the car and the first thing I was greeted with was the familiar MCR tour bus.
“Hey, how ya holding up?” Milo asked, sneaking up behind me and putting his arm around my shoulder. I shook my head, fearing that if I opened my mouth I would be sick all over our shoes.
“I can’t do this. I can’t face him. Please don’t make me do this.” I begged, turning around back toward Milo and trying to walk in the opposite direction. Milo sighed and turned me back around. He kept a firm around my waist and pushed me forward to the busses. Milo just kept right on marching me along until we were at the door of the MCR bus. I could hear laughter, people enjoying themselves. I could hear Gerard’s voice…
“Look who finally made it!” Milo cheered, practically shoving me into the center of attention. Everybody looked up at me but I had my eyes on only one person.
He sat there, his fiancé Lindsey sitting in his lap, as beautiful as ever. He was still pale with black hair, but it was a lot shorter. Last time I had seen his face was on the cover of a magazine and his hair had been white. He must’ve dyed it back again. Lindsey was beautiful too. She had black hair in messy pig tails, fair skin and rosy red lips. They looked perfect together, a match made in heaven. And here I was with my mousy brown hair and skin so pale it was see-through. I felt jealous of Lindsey’s good looks and suddenly more insecure about myself.
“Hey, it’s good to see you again.” Frank said, waking me from my thoughts with a big hug. Soon everybody was lined up and hugging me and telling me how much they had missed it. It was slightly awkward, but I had missed them all just as much and maybe more.
Finally it Gerard’s turn. He pulled me in close as he had done so many times before and I pressed my face against his chest. He smelled terrible, like week old laundry. I was used to it though. Early on he would go for weeks without showering. And even though he smelled bad, I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to stay in that moment of comfort for the rest of the tour, forever even.
Then Gerard broke away and Lindsey pranced up to me, her pig tails bouncing playfully. Her smiled revealed gorgeous cheek bones and two rows of white teeth and I felt another pang of jealousy rush through me.
“Wow! You’re even prettier than Gerard said you were!” She beamed, hugging me. She smelled like fresh peaches and acrylic paint. I doubted that Gerard had said anything positive about me to her, but as least she was nice enough to pretend. She was lovely inside and out; another bitter wave ran through me to my toes. I felt awful and guilty for feeling like this, but my heart seemed to have a mind of its own.
“Thank you. It’s so good to be back on the road with you guys.” I said, feigning a smile and taking a seat next to Milo. He patted my knee, the only source of comfort I felt since Gerard had hugged me.
I sat and chatted, trying to be friendly and social but all I really wanted to do was go into our bus and cry for a good long time. Eventually we were told that we had to get going before dark and we all set off to our busses. I locked myself in our busses tiny bathroom and curled up in the miniscule shower and let it all out.
“Honey, don’t cry. Your gonna die of dehydration if you keep this up.” Milo warned from outside. Maybe he was right, if I was lucky.
“God she’s so p-pretty!” I stammered loudly through the door. I heard Milo cluck his tongue sympathetically. “I’m sorry, I’m just such a mess lately. I just don’t know what to do!” I whined pathetically.
“I know baby, I know. Why don’t you take a hot shower and then go to bed. You’ve had a hard day. You just need to rest, okay sweetie?” Milo offered. I cried a little louder and he sighed sadly. “I’m gonna go get the other guys, okay? You just calm yourself down.” he instructed. I told him I would and then waited until his was gone to start the hot water.
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