Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Goodbye And Goodluck
Desole nearly leaves the tour out of frustrations with her feelings
1Original
DESOLÉ
The next two weeks were terrible for me. Every time I saw Gerard I felt a pang of regret mixed with sadness. It almost physically hurt to look at him sometimes, there were good days and bad days. And every time I saw Lindsey I felt terribly bitter and then guilty for feeling that way. I hated to be bitter, but she was just so damn perfect and I was just, well, me. And when I saw them together I had to fight to keep my cool. They were just so perfect for each other. It felt as thought the seems holding my heart together where popping right inside my chest as I watched them.
I should be happy for him, right? I mean, he was happy for me. I should be glad that he got his life together and found somebody amazingly beautiful to spend it with, right? But I wasn’t. I wished more than anything that I had never gotten in that damned cab that morning. I wanted to take back all the that I had said to hurt him. I should’ve listened to my heart and jumped out of that car and begged him to take me back. But it was too late for that now. I had made my choice, but that fact didn’t help me with the way I was feeling. I wanted to be the one who he counted on, who he knew he could come to. But I blew my chance into a million pieces when I slammed that stupid ring on the counter and stormed off.
But could I really be blamed? I was so young, still a teenager, still a child. And he was an adult who had problems that ran so deep I nearly drowned in them. I didn’t want to go down with him in the end. But he didn’t go down; he fixed himself up without my help and rose from his own ashes, concurring all his demons. It was like if I had just held on for a little while longer, it could be me still wearing that ring. I felt guilty, so, so guilty for leaving him in his time of need. I don’t think I would ever forgive myself. How could I have don that to him? Why hadn’t I been there for him when he needed me most? I was too young to understand then, but I did now. I was so young and wound up in myself that I could barely see past my own nose at the time.
I slammed my fists against the side of my bunk in frustration and yelled loudly to nobody in particular. Crazy mood swings were a common side affect of all these emotions I had running a muck inside of my deteriorating little heart. I tried to block out all thoughts of Gerard and his gorgeous fiancé so I wouldn’t loose my head, but it was impossible. Images of them kissing, holding each other kept running through my mind. I should be the one he was kissing, I should be the one he romances. I just wanted to take a knife and cut out my brain so I wouldn’t have to deal with these thoughts!
“Hey, you okay?” Milo asked, poking his head in my bunk. I scowled at him and he raised his eyebrows. I really just wanted to be left alone at this point. “I guess not.” he said, putting his hands up defensively.
“I just can’t get her out of my head.” I growled, sitting up as Milo went through the cabinets to find something to eat. I sat there, pouting and scowling at the floor.
“I feel ya. But don’t hate her cause she’s beautiful.” He said to me in a slightly scolding tone. I groaned loudly and in an annoyed tone; that was not what I wanted to hear right now. That was the whole problem!
“Ugh, don’t remind me about how fucking beautiful she is. I can’t stand seeing them together. I don’t think I can take another day of this.” I said, standing up and grabbing a duffel bag from under my bunk. It already had my clothes in it. All I had to do was find my pink Converse and I would be good
“What are you doing?” Milo asked suspiciously, eyeing as I pulled on my boots. I found my shoes and threw them messily into the bag before slinging it over my shoulder and standing up.
“I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t see them together like that. I should be the one he‘s holding right now, not her.” I blurted out, heading for the door. I stopped in my tracks when I realized what I had just revealed to him.
“Ah, so that’s what this is about.” he said wisely, standing in my way of the door. I shoved him aside and
“Drop it Milo. I’m not in the mood for a therapy session.” I said. Milo tried to reach out for me but I pushed his hand away.
“You may not be in the mood, but you are in desperate need of one.” he retorted. I let out a frustrated growl. I just wanted to get away from here, from him, from everybody!
“I can do a stupid interview, but not this! This it just torture! Why did fucking Fred make me do this?!” I yelled, opening the door and jumping out of the bus and onto the damp, rain slicked pavement. Milo was about to speak but I turned my back on him before he could reply.
“Where are you gonna go?” Milo asked in a matter-of-fact tone. I rolled my eyes, even though he had a good point.
“Home I guess. Anywhere that isn’t here.” I said before turning on my heel and walking away from the busses. I could feel his eyes on me as I trotted toward the main road but I didn’t look back. I had to hold my ground on this one. I held out my hand as I reached the main road to try and hail a taxi.
“Hey what’s going on?” Gerard asked, appearing out of nowhere behind me. He was the last person on the whole planet I wanted to talk to at this point. I jumped and screamed a little.
“Jesus!” I gasped, clutching my chest. He had really given me a fright.
“Sorry…” Gerard said quietly. I rolled my eyes and went back to hailing a cab. “What’cha doing?” he asked again. I sighed grumpily; looks like he wasn’t just going to go away.
“Nothing. Go away.” I snapped, biting my now trembling lip. He didn’t move. Why couldn’t he just leave?!
“You’re sad about something. What it is it? Do you wanna talk about it?” he said, staring after me. I rolled my eyes again. If only he knew…
“I’m not said and even if I was I wouldn’t wanna talk to you about it.” I said angrily.
“You are sad. I know it.” he said, almost tauntingly. I dropped my hand for a moment to eyeball him. He didn’t say anything so I put my arm back up and craned my neck to see if there were any cars or taxis driving by.
“How do you figure that?” I spat at him. He sighed patiently and I waited for him to continue, my arm still outstretched even though no cars were so much as driving past.
“You’re eyes. They changed from kinda green to kinda blue.” he said rather thoughtfully as he stared me down. I looked at him like he was crazy. Why was he looking into my eyes enough to notice in the first place?
“Please go away.” I said finally instead of letting him know he was right, turning my back to him. He stayed right where he was. In my anger, I roared loudly and threw my suitcase on the damp ground.
“Fine! If you won’t go, I will!” I shouted as I walked away. Gerard picked up my suitcase and followed me, handing it over to Milo who was waiting outside. I stormed passed them both but lingered at the door to listen in on their conversation.
“Still throwing temper tantrums?” Gerard asked with a slight chuckle as he handed Milo the bag. I remembered all the times I had blown up at Gerard simply out of a teenagers bad temper.
“Oh you have no idea.” Milo said and then they both laughed a little bit. Why was Milo agreeing with him? I locked the door and went to my bunk, leaving Milo outside in the rain.
The next two weeks were terrible for me. Every time I saw Gerard I felt a pang of regret mixed with sadness. It almost physically hurt to look at him sometimes, there were good days and bad days. And every time I saw Lindsey I felt terribly bitter and then guilty for feeling that way. I hated to be bitter, but she was just so damn perfect and I was just, well, me. And when I saw them together I had to fight to keep my cool. They were just so perfect for each other. It felt as thought the seems holding my heart together where popping right inside my chest as I watched them.
I should be happy for him, right? I mean, he was happy for me. I should be glad that he got his life together and found somebody amazingly beautiful to spend it with, right? But I wasn’t. I wished more than anything that I had never gotten in that damned cab that morning. I wanted to take back all the that I had said to hurt him. I should’ve listened to my heart and jumped out of that car and begged him to take me back. But it was too late for that now. I had made my choice, but that fact didn’t help me with the way I was feeling. I wanted to be the one who he counted on, who he knew he could come to. But I blew my chance into a million pieces when I slammed that stupid ring on the counter and stormed off.
But could I really be blamed? I was so young, still a teenager, still a child. And he was an adult who had problems that ran so deep I nearly drowned in them. I didn’t want to go down with him in the end. But he didn’t go down; he fixed himself up without my help and rose from his own ashes, concurring all his demons. It was like if I had just held on for a little while longer, it could be me still wearing that ring. I felt guilty, so, so guilty for leaving him in his time of need. I don’t think I would ever forgive myself. How could I have don that to him? Why hadn’t I been there for him when he needed me most? I was too young to understand then, but I did now. I was so young and wound up in myself that I could barely see past my own nose at the time.
I slammed my fists against the side of my bunk in frustration and yelled loudly to nobody in particular. Crazy mood swings were a common side affect of all these emotions I had running a muck inside of my deteriorating little heart. I tried to block out all thoughts of Gerard and his gorgeous fiancé so I wouldn’t loose my head, but it was impossible. Images of them kissing, holding each other kept running through my mind. I should be the one he was kissing, I should be the one he romances. I just wanted to take a knife and cut out my brain so I wouldn’t have to deal with these thoughts!
“Hey, you okay?” Milo asked, poking his head in my bunk. I scowled at him and he raised his eyebrows. I really just wanted to be left alone at this point. “I guess not.” he said, putting his hands up defensively.
“I just can’t get her out of my head.” I growled, sitting up as Milo went through the cabinets to find something to eat. I sat there, pouting and scowling at the floor.
“I feel ya. But don’t hate her cause she’s beautiful.” He said to me in a slightly scolding tone. I groaned loudly and in an annoyed tone; that was not what I wanted to hear right now. That was the whole problem!
“Ugh, don’t remind me about how fucking beautiful she is. I can’t stand seeing them together. I don’t think I can take another day of this.” I said, standing up and grabbing a duffel bag from under my bunk. It already had my clothes in it. All I had to do was find my pink Converse and I would be good
“What are you doing?” Milo asked suspiciously, eyeing as I pulled on my boots. I found my shoes and threw them messily into the bag before slinging it over my shoulder and standing up.
“I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t see them together like that. I should be the one he‘s holding right now, not her.” I blurted out, heading for the door. I stopped in my tracks when I realized what I had just revealed to him.
“Ah, so that’s what this is about.” he said wisely, standing in my way of the door. I shoved him aside and
“Drop it Milo. I’m not in the mood for a therapy session.” I said. Milo tried to reach out for me but I pushed his hand away.
“You may not be in the mood, but you are in desperate need of one.” he retorted. I let out a frustrated growl. I just wanted to get away from here, from him, from everybody!
“I can do a stupid interview, but not this! This it just torture! Why did fucking Fred make me do this?!” I yelled, opening the door and jumping out of the bus and onto the damp, rain slicked pavement. Milo was about to speak but I turned my back on him before he could reply.
“Where are you gonna go?” Milo asked in a matter-of-fact tone. I rolled my eyes, even though he had a good point.
“Home I guess. Anywhere that isn’t here.” I said before turning on my heel and walking away from the busses. I could feel his eyes on me as I trotted toward the main road but I didn’t look back. I had to hold my ground on this one. I held out my hand as I reached the main road to try and hail a taxi.
“Hey what’s going on?” Gerard asked, appearing out of nowhere behind me. He was the last person on the whole planet I wanted to talk to at this point. I jumped and screamed a little.
“Jesus!” I gasped, clutching my chest. He had really given me a fright.
“Sorry…” Gerard said quietly. I rolled my eyes and went back to hailing a cab. “What’cha doing?” he asked again. I sighed grumpily; looks like he wasn’t just going to go away.
“Nothing. Go away.” I snapped, biting my now trembling lip. He didn’t move. Why couldn’t he just leave?!
“You’re sad about something. What it is it? Do you wanna talk about it?” he said, staring after me. I rolled my eyes again. If only he knew…
“I’m not said and even if I was I wouldn’t wanna talk to you about it.” I said angrily.
“You are sad. I know it.” he said, almost tauntingly. I dropped my hand for a moment to eyeball him. He didn’t say anything so I put my arm back up and craned my neck to see if there were any cars or taxis driving by.
“How do you figure that?” I spat at him. He sighed patiently and I waited for him to continue, my arm still outstretched even though no cars were so much as driving past.
“You’re eyes. They changed from kinda green to kinda blue.” he said rather thoughtfully as he stared me down. I looked at him like he was crazy. Why was he looking into my eyes enough to notice in the first place?
“Please go away.” I said finally instead of letting him know he was right, turning my back to him. He stayed right where he was. In my anger, I roared loudly and threw my suitcase on the damp ground.
“Fine! If you won’t go, I will!” I shouted as I walked away. Gerard picked up my suitcase and followed me, handing it over to Milo who was waiting outside. I stormed passed them both but lingered at the door to listen in on their conversation.
“Still throwing temper tantrums?” Gerard asked with a slight chuckle as he handed Milo the bag. I remembered all the times I had blown up at Gerard simply out of a teenagers bad temper.
“Oh you have no idea.” Milo said and then they both laughed a little bit. Why was Milo agreeing with him? I locked the door and went to my bunk, leaving Milo outside in the rain.
Sign up to rate and review this story