FicWad

DESOLÉ
I was brushing my hair before going to bed on the tour bus. Everybody else was inside the hotel partying. I really just wanted to be alone tonight. I knew that if that if somebody waved bottle of booze in front of me I wouldn’t be able to resist tonight. Gerard was in his bus by himself too, unable to drink. That gave me an odd sort of feeling in my stomach, like I wasn’t really alone after all. Just as I was about to climb into my bunk, there was a soft knock on the tour bus door. At first I thought that maybe I had imagined it, so I proceeded to get under the covers. But then the door swung open without warning and Gerard was standing in the door frame.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, getting out of bed. I was slightly annoyed because of how sleepy I was starting to feel. “I don’t know if it’s appropriate for you to be here alone.” I felt numb to emotion but yet somehow with Gerard in the room with me I felt as though all my senses were heightened tenfold and I became extremely aware of my surroundings.

“ I dunno, I was just bored, kind of lonely. Everybody’s in the hotel. I didn’t see you go in so I thought I’d come a talk to you. But it looks like you’re going to bed so I should probably just go.” Gerard explained, making his way back toward the exit.

“You can stay.” I said a little too urgently. Gerard looked at me and the shrugged and took a seat in the bunk across from me.

“You know, you and Lindsey are quite a cute couple.” I said with a small smile. Gerard smiled too.

“She’s amazing.” Gerard said fondly. I was happy that he was happy. But also unhappy because I was no longer the one he was referring to as “amazing”. You’d think after all these years I wouldn’t be jealous but here I am…

“I’m sure she is. You know you’ve changed so much since I last saw you, since you quit drinking.” I commented. “You’re more focused on your music and your fans, your fiancé. It’s quite a nice change.”

“Really? You’re exactly how I remember you being.” Gerard said with a dry little chuckle. Was he trying to flirt with me? No, he couldn’t be…

“And how is that?” I asked, batting my eyelashes. What was I doing? This wasn’t right! Gerard moved a little closer to me with every passing moment until he was mere inches from my face.

“You’re hot headed, temperamental, stubborn…” His voice trailed off. I could smell the cologne on his neck and the cigarettes on his words as they floated past me. He was much too close now, but still I didn’t push him away. I was about to open my mouth to express how I was put off by such a description when he started to continue.

“Funny, kind, empathetic, sweet, beautiful…” his voice became a low hushed sound. I felt like I was in some sort of wild dream. I kept screaming in my head to wake up, but nothing happened. Gerard was so close I could’ve counted every single eyelash he was batting at me and I saw every glimmer in his honey colored eyes, which were slowly closing as he moved steadily closer.

And then, suddenly his chapped and feathered lips met mine. I was shocked, but fell into the kiss like there was some sort of spell cast over me. Gerard’s tongue explored my mouth and I allowed it to. He held onto the back of my neck and dipped my head down, deepening the forbidden kiss. My eyes were shut and I imagined all of the memories of kissing Gerard, all of them sweet, but none such as this. This was bitter and sweet at the same time.

Gerard’s free hand made a move up my shirt and the spell on me was broken and I shoved him away with such force that he was thrown to the floor. He gazed up at me in shock and I gaped down it him in horror.

“What have we done?! What have you done?!” I gasped, covering my open mouth with my hands. Gerard straightened himself out and moved back toward me.

“I thought this is what you wanted.” He implied. I stared at him, my brows furrowed in confusion and panic.

“I do, I mean no! You’re engaged Gerard!” I stammered. I tried to stand up and scurry away to some place where Gerard wasn’t staring at me but he grabbed my waist and sat me back down.

“I don’t care about that anymore, I care about you.” Gerard said. I had to have been dreaming. But this felt more like some kind of twisted nightmare.

“What about Lindsey! You were just saying how great she is!” I shrieked, biting at my finger tips in my nervous rage.

“She is great, but I’m not in love with her.” Gerard confessed guiltily. All I could do was stare in amazement at him.

“Why did you propose to her then?” I asked. I had never felt so lost in my entire life. My mind raced and I was till trying to wake myself up. Never in my dizziest day dreams that I thought this would actually happen.

“I don’t know. I felt like I had no choice but to move on. But the truth is I never got over you. I didn’t expect to see you again and I sure as hell didn’t expect to feel this way again. It’s like I’ve fallen in love with you all over again Desolé.” Gerard explained. I felt a little less shocked because I felt the exact same way.

“Desolé you left me.” Gerard said pathetically.

“And you never came after me.” I fired back quietly. Gerard blinked twice.

“And I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. Now just please tell me you want this as much as I do.” He begged, taking my hands away from my face and gently cupping them in his. I bit my lip.

“I do, but what about Lindsey? This isn’t fair to her.” I reasoned. Gerard sighed hard and looked at the floor.

“I know but I can’t fight this anymore. The heart wants what the heart wants. Please. I really can’t help it.” Gerard begged again. I looked at him and never saw a more sincere expression grace his beautiful face. I bit my lip even harder. Who was I kidding?

“Neither can I!” I exclaimed, pulling Gerard on top of me and kissing him all over his face. We picked up right where we left off, kissing deeply and touching one another in familiar places that made us both shudder and moan. This felt so good, so right, so I figured it must be wrong.

Gerard ran his hands all over my unclothed body, taking his the sight and scent and feel of me. His hands devoured me the way a starving man would devour a scrap of food. He touched my breasts, gently stroking them with his finger tips. He touched my thighs, grasping them with his greedy hands. He planted soft kisses all up and down my collar bone, all of them sweet and gentle. His hands were hungry and starving for my body and I wasn’t about to let them be famished. I closed my eyes and arched my back, focusing in acute detail how great everything felt.

I fisted Gerard’s hard cock and gently guided him inside of me, him moaning in pleasure all the while. He was bigger than I remembered him being. It was so familiar to have him inside of me again; I was so used to it. But this felt better than any of those times combined. Everything felt amazing. It was as if this was how things were supposed to be, like everything was falling back into its natural rhythm. But I knew in my heart that that wasn’t true and I just hoped that I wouldn’t regret this or hate myself afterward.

But who could hate themselves when they knew they’re the cause for their lovers passionate moans? Who could feel ugly being kissed and touched everywhere like they were being worshipped? It simply wasn’t possible. Well, it was impossible for me at least. Gerard made me feel beautiful, everywhere.

“So…fucking…close.” Gerard panted into my ear in-between thrusts. His words suddenly made me realize how close I myself was.

I grabbed Gerard’s hair and flipped us over in one fluid motion, positioning me on top of him. I took control and did most of the work. Gerard bit into my shoulder and I scratched his back with my finger nails. Then, I accidentally slammed his head against the wall of the bunk. He moaned in what was either pleasure or pain, I couldn’t tell. Then he grasped my face in his hands and flipped us again so that he was back on top. We were playing rough, something we hadn’t done in a long, long time.

My orgasm came crashing over me and I screamed, gripping Gerard’s short hair as my toes curled. Gerard started moaning loudly and then came inside me. For a moment he lingered, panting, catching his breath just like I was. Gerard eventually rolled off me and we lay there, squeezed inside my bunk.

“Gerard, I think you should go. I don’t want us to get caught.” I said, trying to push down the sick guilty feeling that was brewing inside my gut. I was starting to feel ill and regretful.

“No way. I’m not that type of guy you just shag and tell to get out. I’m the type of guy and you shag and have good cuddle with. I’m staying.” Gerard told me firmly. He picked the blanket that had fallen to the floor up and draped it around us, holding me close and tight in his arms.

It was then that the enormity of what we had just done hit me hard in the chest. I had single handedly ruined an engagement. Gerard had just cheated on Lindsey, with me! I was the dreaded “other women”. I shrugged Gerard off and swung my feet over the side of the bunk. I covered my mouth with my hand and tried to fight the tears that were springing to my eyes.

“Desolé? Are you alright?” Gerard asked, sitting up and putting his hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I exploded out in loud a loud sob, telling Gerard that I was not alright at all.

“Baby, I thought you wanted this.” Gerard reminded me. Oh god how I had wanted it, and still wanted it. I felt like I needed to tell him this, but all I could seem to do was cry like an infant and feel awful and terrible about what I had just done, what we had just done.

“I do, but I just ruined you’re engagement, you’re entire marriage! I’m a home wrecker! I’m a slut!” I bawled hysterically into my hands. Gerard now knew what I was crying about and tried to comfort me by taking me up in his arms and giving me a squeeze. But nothing was helping this sickening black pit in my stomach and the big gaping hole in my chest so I kept wailing.

“Don’t cry. My marriage was doomed from the start. You didn’t ruin everything. You’re not a home wrecker, or a slut. You’re beautiful and sweet and amazing.” He assured me. Amazing…that was the word he had just used to describe his fiancé. I cried even harder.

“Just go away! Just go. I’ve ruined everything for you. I don’t want you to get caught. Just go!” I begged through my heavy tears. I wept onto his bare shoulder and shuddered with every sob. I couldn’t remember a time when I had cried like this, or felt like this. Gerard just sighed and patiently kissed me on the top of my head.

“How’s about I leave when you fall asleep?” Gerard offered. There was no point in arguing and I didn’t really want him to go. I whimpered and he took it as a yes and tucked us back into the bunk. He hummed “Demolition Lovers” in my ear quietly and I bawled nosily until I didn’t have any tears left to cry. I was left whimpering and sniffling like a child.

“Just leave me something so I know tonight wasn’t a dream.” I begged him. He nodded and kiss my cheek before snuggling down with me under the cozy covers.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did I give in that easily? I had been blinded by the rancid lust still left between Gerard and me. Why couldn’t we have both just moved on with our lives? Why were we still stuck on each other? Why couldn’t we have just moved on like normal people? All these questioned and thoughts swirled through my brain so fast it made me dizzy. I clamped my eyes shut and feigned sleep, hoping it would make Gerard leave. I really didn’t want him to get caught here.

After about ten minutes of faking it, I really began to doze off. The last thing I remember was Gerard getting out of bed. I heard him get dressed. Then I heard him scribble something down and felt him shove it underneath my pillow. Then the tour bus door opened and closed and I knew I was alone. Not too long after this happened, I fell into a deep, worrisome sleep.

THE NEXT MORNING
I awoke the next morning to the sounds of my band mates bustling about the tour bus. It was early and I could smell coffee brewing. I stretched with my hand under the pillow and felt a scrap of paper. So last night really did happen and I hadn’t been dreaming. My stomach dropped to the bottom of my torso when I thought of all the wrong I had done last night. I shook my head and took out the scrap of paper. It read:

“Please don’t go, I’ll eat you up, I love you so…” from Where The Wild Things Are. My heart melted inside my chest when I read the quickly scrawled words on the crumpled bit of paper. I tucked it away in my journal where nobody could find it. I had enough to think about…