Categories > Original > Humor > Tomi Is A Momi: Parts 1&2
Tom held Baby Noname in his arms. Bill pressed his lips against Baby Noname's forehead, as a father would do.
"I love you." he said, putting his hand on the baby's bald head.
Then he whispered, "Did you know you met George Lopez? When you were born? I can't believe it's already been a year!"
Bill sighed, quietly. Baby Noname burped and Tom's face enlightened.
"That's adorable!" Tom said, snuggling Baby Noname.
"Everyone's been calling the poor kid, 'Noname' for a year! We need to name it." Tom said, pinching Baby Noname's cheek so hard it left a red mark.
Knock
Brenda burst in right after the first knock.
"Hello! Everyone---"
She gasped in mid sentence.
"Tom! You gave the baby a hickey?!"
She grabbed the baby from Tom's arms.
"Charlie!" she screamed and Charlie came running in, gasping for air.
Brenda pointed to the babies face. Charlie scanned the baby's face, "Cute." she murmured, then she slowly walked in and sat on the couch. She crossed her legs and arms, she turned her iPod to full volume.
Charlie then asked "I never asked this but, is it a boy or a girl?"
Tom and Bill looked at each other quickly, then they locked each other's eyes. There was a long silence and the gasps between breaths made it even more awkward.
"What? Well, gender, name, ya know. Haven't seen you in a year. So what's the name and gender?"
Tom sighed, reluctant to say anything.
"We don't know. We never, uhm, checked."
Brenda laughed, "How? You change it's diaper's daily..."
Bill stiffened, "Diapers?"
Brenda and Charlie nodded.
"Oh good God! We never got it diapers! Whenever it cried, we stuck it in that room over there..it crawled out when it was done crying.." Bill explained.
Tom's eyes widened, "It shits?! Or it's supposed to?! Oh dear GOD! It's constipated!"
Brenda looked like she was about to hurl.
"You never wiped it's ass?" she yelled, holding the baby out in from of her. The baby's face was about 8 inches from her's.
"No," Bill finally said, "Don't they do that themselves?"
They baby tugged on Brenda's hair and yelled "Momma!"
Brenda's eyes widened, "No, Tom is your 'momma.' You'll be one screwed up hell of a baby if you stay with Bill and Tom."
Baby Noname began to cry.
"No, she didn't mean that." Tom said, taking Baby Noname from Brenda.
Tom then reluctantly placed the baby on the couch and pulled down it's pants. Everyone flinched at the sight.
"Oh. My. Freaking. Fudge." Charlie said, plugging her nose with her neatly painted lime green and black fingernails. Brenda ran to Bill and ordered for him to wipe the baby before it exploded and painted the beautifully polished white walls shit and piss colored. Bill ran to the bathroom, coming back with 8 jumbo rolls of toilet paper. He ripped off a 40 sheeter and began to scrub the baby's butt until it actually looked like a butt.
"Boy." Bill murmured, getting some dried off poo off.
Charlie was about to hurl. Then she did, then when Brenda saw Charlie's vomit, as did she, then Bill, then Tom and the baby just laid there, soaking up the sun in a flood of vomit.
"I love you." he said, putting his hand on the baby's bald head.
Then he whispered, "Did you know you met George Lopez? When you were born? I can't believe it's already been a year!"
Bill sighed, quietly. Baby Noname burped and Tom's face enlightened.
"That's adorable!" Tom said, snuggling Baby Noname.
"Everyone's been calling the poor kid, 'Noname' for a year! We need to name it." Tom said, pinching Baby Noname's cheek so hard it left a red mark.
Knock
Brenda burst in right after the first knock.
"Hello! Everyone---"
She gasped in mid sentence.
"Tom! You gave the baby a hickey?!"
She grabbed the baby from Tom's arms.
"Charlie!" she screamed and Charlie came running in, gasping for air.
Brenda pointed to the babies face. Charlie scanned the baby's face, "Cute." she murmured, then she slowly walked in and sat on the couch. She crossed her legs and arms, she turned her iPod to full volume.
Charlie then asked "I never asked this but, is it a boy or a girl?"
Tom and Bill looked at each other quickly, then they locked each other's eyes. There was a long silence and the gasps between breaths made it even more awkward.
"What? Well, gender, name, ya know. Haven't seen you in a year. So what's the name and gender?"
Tom sighed, reluctant to say anything.
"We don't know. We never, uhm, checked."
Brenda laughed, "How? You change it's diaper's daily..."
Bill stiffened, "Diapers?"
Brenda and Charlie nodded.
"Oh good God! We never got it diapers! Whenever it cried, we stuck it in that room over there..it crawled out when it was done crying.." Bill explained.
Tom's eyes widened, "It shits?! Or it's supposed to?! Oh dear GOD! It's constipated!"
Brenda looked like she was about to hurl.
"You never wiped it's ass?" she yelled, holding the baby out in from of her. The baby's face was about 8 inches from her's.
"No," Bill finally said, "Don't they do that themselves?"
They baby tugged on Brenda's hair and yelled "Momma!"
Brenda's eyes widened, "No, Tom is your 'momma.' You'll be one screwed up hell of a baby if you stay with Bill and Tom."
Baby Noname began to cry.
"No, she didn't mean that." Tom said, taking Baby Noname from Brenda.
Tom then reluctantly placed the baby on the couch and pulled down it's pants. Everyone flinched at the sight.
"Oh. My. Freaking. Fudge." Charlie said, plugging her nose with her neatly painted lime green and black fingernails. Brenda ran to Bill and ordered for him to wipe the baby before it exploded and painted the beautifully polished white walls shit and piss colored. Bill ran to the bathroom, coming back with 8 jumbo rolls of toilet paper. He ripped off a 40 sheeter and began to scrub the baby's butt until it actually looked like a butt.
"Boy." Bill murmured, getting some dried off poo off.
Charlie was about to hurl. Then she did, then when Brenda saw Charlie's vomit, as did she, then Bill, then Tom and the baby just laid there, soaking up the sun in a flood of vomit.
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