Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Worst of both worlds
“Deal. It doesn’t matter, you are exactly who and what you are and I wouldn’t change that for the world, neither would Mikey or your Mom, or any of your other friends. You’re a person and deserve to be treated like one, not just some lost cause, because you’re not a lost cause.” Frankie said and me being the stupid hormonally imbalanced freak that I am, I started crying again.
“Are you crying, Gee?” He asked and I just carried on letting the tears fall, desperately trying to control my breathing and my shaking shoulders. “Aww, don’t cry Gerard.” He said and sat up, pulling me into a hug , I cried into his chest and he shuffled up so he could sit resting against the headboard.
“I-I’m sorry.” I sobbed, he wrapped his arms tighter around my waist and held me closer.
“What are you sorry for?” He whispered.
“For crying like a baby when it was meant to be me making you feel better.” I breathed, trying to let no more tears fall.
“Gee, it’s okay. Why are you crying?” His voice was soft and smooth.
“I just feel so worthless all the time and even though, deep down, I know Mom, Mikey, Bob and Ray wouldn’t really change me if it came down to it. Actually, I’m lying, my Mom never wanted to have a gay hermaphrodite for a son who wants to do art for a living. I just want to be accepted and feel normal. I only have Mom, Mikey, Ray and Bob in the whole world. It’s my fault as well that Mikey got beat up and bullied in high school- he was fine until they found out I was his brother. It just sucks that I hurt people so much. I’m just a fat ugly freak who no one wants to know.” I cried and pulled away, in all honestly, so he could run for it. I curled up against the wall in the corner and pulled my knees into my chest and carried on howling. I felt a soft hand on the pale skin of my knee.
“You’re not ugly and you’re not hurting anyone at all. You’re beautiful and you’re not fat. You’re unique, Gee and I have never met anyone as amazing and special as you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He rubbed my knee and I flinched away, I don’t really like people touching me, especially my bare skin.
“Sorry.” He said quickly, but didn’t move his hand. “Listen, me and Mikey are going shopping tomorrow, do you want to come with us?” He asked and I stopped crying and looked up.
“What?” I asked, I didn’t ever get asked to go anywhere unless it was with Mikey, Bob or Ray. Bob and Ray are amazing guys and probably the best friends a man could wish or, along with my brother. I had another friend, Christia, but I haven’t seen her since high school- I’ve taken to just hiding in my room and being too scared of the unaccepting wickedness of the outside world to emerge from my safe cavern of a basement bedroom.
“Do you want to come shopping with me and Mikey tomorrow?” He asked and I nodded, I needed to go shopping anyway. My bra’s had gotten too small and my back was killing.
“Okay, I’ve got to go shopping though, and it isn’t going to be pretty.” I said, lying back down , not caring that my shirt had ridden up to my waist, showing my stomach.
“What do you mean?” He asked, lying down next to me.
“I have to go bra shopping.” I sighed- it was such a chore. “I hate bra shopping.”
“Why? What’s so bad about it?” He asked.
“Well, the people always ask if I’m joking, when I say no and explain they give me freaked out stares and the customers all look at me weird and it’s horrible. Not even Mom or Mikey will come with me. Mom because she says I need to get some independence and Mikey because he gets really uncomfortable walking round a shop full of women’s underwear. I can’t say I blame them, but you two will have to entertain yourselves for a while when I go and do that.” I sighed and yanked down my shirt, realising that I’d been showing my ugly stomach and I crossed my arms over my middle to cover it.
“I’ll go with you. I really don’t mind, you shouldn’t have to be persecuted for something you can’t help.” Frank told me and I felt a little better.
“You sure?” I asked, unsure of whether he was serious or not.
“Yeah, we’ll get you some new clothes too because no offense, but the baggy clothes look does nothing for you at all.” I snorted at this remark.
“Psych, whatever. If I wear anything tight it’s just going to accentuate my hideous fatness.” I stated in a matter-of-fact tone and Frank frowned.
“You’re not fat.” He said and I shook my head.
“I am.”
“No you’re not!” He shouted and then clamped his hand over his mouth as realisation swept across his features. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered. “Mikey told me about the…depression and the eating disorder…I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable but you’re really not fat.” I just looked at him, and stayed silent. “I should just go…” He murmured and got off the bed, I caught his wrist and he turned around to face me.
“Please stay, I don’t want to be alone.” I whispered and he nodded. “The depression and the eating thing isn’t a big deal, you’ve got nothing to feel sorry for.” I assured him as he climbed back into my bed.
“I’m sorry Gee.” He smiled weakly and I beamed at him- no one outside my close circle of friends had ever seemed so sorry for anything.
“I told you, Frank its fine.” I smiled at him and he nodded, smiling back.
“Can I ask a question though?” He asked and I rolled my eyes, but agreed.
“Why do you think that you’re fat and ugly?” He said, almost in a whisper. I looked down and played with my hands.
“I just, I guess that it’s because no one’s ever…taken an interest in me. Ever. I mean, I only have two friends that aren’t related, Ray and Bob and I’ve never been with anyone, I’ve never kissed anyone and I’m a twenty year old virgin. Nobody ever tells me I’m beautiful and I know I’m not. I just accept it even though I still hate it.” I sighed and closed my eyes, not wanting to meet Frankie’s hurt gaze.
“ Look at me.” I looked up at him and he smiled at me. ”Well I think you’re beautiful and it doesn’t matter. I’m eighteen and I’ve never kissed anybody and I’m still a virgin as well. I’m your friend too, if you want me to be.” He said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“I’d like that.” I smiled and he smirked at me.
“We’re going to buy you something sexy!” He said and I laughed, Gerard and sexy don’t mix. I lay down and pulled him to lie next to me.
“Gee…”
“Yeah?” What did he want this time?
“Will you hold me please?” He asked nervously and I smiled, wrapping him in a warm embrace as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“This what Mikey usually does? Or your girlfriend?” I chuckled.
“Nah, I just wanted to ask you because it felt right and your room is kind of cold, I mean, it’s a basement.” He laughed. “ I don’t have a girlfriend either, I’m bi and I’ve never had anyone. I was shocked when I met Mikey and he just accepted it like it was nothing. I expected him to go running especially as we share an apartment at the college. But over the year we’ve become, like, best friends and he told me pretty much all about you and I understood why he’s so accepting. He really loves you Gee, just as you are, he really looks up to you.” I smiled and laughed lightly.
“I think we should sleep now.” I said and closed my eyes.
“Night Gee.” Frankie whispered.
“Night Frankie.” I smiled and drifted off into a heavy, dreamless sleep.
~
My dreams were starting to break up as I heard voices from upstairs.
“Where’s Frank?” Mikey’s voice said from the room above my bed, the kitchen.
“I don’t know, maybe he went for a walk. Ask Gerard.” I heard my Mom say as my eyes slid back shut and I drifted into a momentary sleep.
“Morning Gerard, have you seen…Frank?” Mikey asked and I opened my eyes, taking in my surroundings and my position. I had my legs entwined with Frank’s and he had his arms around my waist and my arms wrapped around his neck.
“Mikey it’s not what it looks like I promise!” I nearly shouted and yanked myself away from Frank, waking him up.
“Where am I- what? Oh! Hi Mikey, how you going, bro?” He asked and rubbed his eyes, sleepily.
“Frank. Care to explain why you were in my brother’s bed and why your legs and arms were all mangled with his and massive grins were gracing your faces in your sleep?” Mikey asked, smirking.
“Mikes! It’s not like that I swear! We didn’t- I’m not- I promise-“ Frank stuttered.
“Frank, it’s okay, I was only joshing with ya. It’s fine. Nightmares?” Mikey asked and Frank nodded, returning to a more normal colour, aka, not tomato red.
“I’m going for a shower, you guys can hang in here if you like.” I said getting a towel and walking into the bathroom. I didn’t bother to look in the mirror, I didn’t need that battle today. I could hear them talking over the TV before I turned the water on.
“I’m going out with a girl today Frank, sorry, so shopping’s cancelled.” Mikey said.
“That’s awesome Mikes! It doesn’t matter I’m going shopping with Gee. I invited him last night and he said yeah ‘cause he needs some stuff anyway so I guess it’s just me and him now.” Frankie said.
“Cool, do you know what you’re buying?” Mikey asked Frank as I stripped my clothes.
“I’m just going to buy a new pair of jeans, but Gee needs some new bra’s so I said I’d buy some with him. I want him to get some new clothes as well. I want him to understand just how beautiful he really is and I want him to show that. I think it will be good for him.” I didn’t hear Mikey’s reaction because I turned the water on and stepped in the shower. I guess if Frankie said it to my brother, he really does think I’m beautiful and wasn’t just taking pity on me. I hate it when people take pity on me even more than when they ridicule me- it makes me feel even more useless.
I let the warm water wash down my body and for the first time, I didn’t feel bad about myself. I didn’t feel good about myself or my body either, just accepting it slightly. I lathered my hair and washed my body as well. I didn’t need to shave and the only hair I have is on my head, due to the confliction of my male and female hormones. I rinsed the soap suds out of my hair and squeezed some of the water out of it after I had shut off the tap. I grabbed a towel and rubbed it through my hair, making it ruffle and fall around my face messily. The towel I used got thrown in the wash and I slipped on a pair of black boxers and a black sports bra, and having forgotten about my brother and my friend being in my room, walked straight out of the bathroom and to the wardrobe. My bed was in the corner of the room so I didn’t even look at it. I bent down to my drawer where I keep my skinnies and pull on a pair of black drainpipes with rips in the knees and sat down with crossed legs in front of my full length mirror and picked up my brush. I looked in the mirror and gasped, my brother was sitting staring at me and smirking and Frankie had his mouth wide open with a look of pure shock on his face.
“P-please d-don’t look.” I begged and I ran across the room, not caring for the amount of pain my back was in due to the too small bra or that I was jiggling a bit too much. I grabbed my favourite Misfits shirt and pulled it on. Mikey was looking at the TV screen where Friends was playing but Frank was still staring at me, checking me out and grinning.
“Frankie! Stop staring!” I pleaded and blushed, crossing the room and picking up my brush, combing through my hair and going back into the bathroom, closing the door behind me and sliding down it, letting a few tears fall and then realising I didn’t care, started a full on crying jag. My brother and his best friend had seen me in just my underwear! I look awful enough with clothes on let alone in just my underwear! When I had finished I walked to the sink and splashed some water on my face and looked in the mirror. My face was pale and my hair was nearly dry now- I must have been crying for a good twenty minutes. I sighed and picked up my eyeliner pencil, drawing a line just under each of my eyes and smudging it a bit- I think it makes me look a bit better, just darkens my eyes a little bit.
R&R
“Are you crying, Gee?” He asked and I just carried on letting the tears fall, desperately trying to control my breathing and my shaking shoulders. “Aww, don’t cry Gerard.” He said and sat up, pulling me into a hug , I cried into his chest and he shuffled up so he could sit resting against the headboard.
“I-I’m sorry.” I sobbed, he wrapped his arms tighter around my waist and held me closer.
“What are you sorry for?” He whispered.
“For crying like a baby when it was meant to be me making you feel better.” I breathed, trying to let no more tears fall.
“Gee, it’s okay. Why are you crying?” His voice was soft and smooth.
“I just feel so worthless all the time and even though, deep down, I know Mom, Mikey, Bob and Ray wouldn’t really change me if it came down to it. Actually, I’m lying, my Mom never wanted to have a gay hermaphrodite for a son who wants to do art for a living. I just want to be accepted and feel normal. I only have Mom, Mikey, Ray and Bob in the whole world. It’s my fault as well that Mikey got beat up and bullied in high school- he was fine until they found out I was his brother. It just sucks that I hurt people so much. I’m just a fat ugly freak who no one wants to know.” I cried and pulled away, in all honestly, so he could run for it. I curled up against the wall in the corner and pulled my knees into my chest and carried on howling. I felt a soft hand on the pale skin of my knee.
“You’re not ugly and you’re not hurting anyone at all. You’re beautiful and you’re not fat. You’re unique, Gee and I have never met anyone as amazing and special as you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He rubbed my knee and I flinched away, I don’t really like people touching me, especially my bare skin.
“Sorry.” He said quickly, but didn’t move his hand. “Listen, me and Mikey are going shopping tomorrow, do you want to come with us?” He asked and I stopped crying and looked up.
“What?” I asked, I didn’t ever get asked to go anywhere unless it was with Mikey, Bob or Ray. Bob and Ray are amazing guys and probably the best friends a man could wish or, along with my brother. I had another friend, Christia, but I haven’t seen her since high school- I’ve taken to just hiding in my room and being too scared of the unaccepting wickedness of the outside world to emerge from my safe cavern of a basement bedroom.
“Do you want to come shopping with me and Mikey tomorrow?” He asked and I nodded, I needed to go shopping anyway. My bra’s had gotten too small and my back was killing.
“Okay, I’ve got to go shopping though, and it isn’t going to be pretty.” I said, lying back down , not caring that my shirt had ridden up to my waist, showing my stomach.
“What do you mean?” He asked, lying down next to me.
“I have to go bra shopping.” I sighed- it was such a chore. “I hate bra shopping.”
“Why? What’s so bad about it?” He asked.
“Well, the people always ask if I’m joking, when I say no and explain they give me freaked out stares and the customers all look at me weird and it’s horrible. Not even Mom or Mikey will come with me. Mom because she says I need to get some independence and Mikey because he gets really uncomfortable walking round a shop full of women’s underwear. I can’t say I blame them, but you two will have to entertain yourselves for a while when I go and do that.” I sighed and yanked down my shirt, realising that I’d been showing my ugly stomach and I crossed my arms over my middle to cover it.
“I’ll go with you. I really don’t mind, you shouldn’t have to be persecuted for something you can’t help.” Frank told me and I felt a little better.
“You sure?” I asked, unsure of whether he was serious or not.
“Yeah, we’ll get you some new clothes too because no offense, but the baggy clothes look does nothing for you at all.” I snorted at this remark.
“Psych, whatever. If I wear anything tight it’s just going to accentuate my hideous fatness.” I stated in a matter-of-fact tone and Frank frowned.
“You’re not fat.” He said and I shook my head.
“I am.”
“No you’re not!” He shouted and then clamped his hand over his mouth as realisation swept across his features. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered. “Mikey told me about the…depression and the eating disorder…I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable but you’re really not fat.” I just looked at him, and stayed silent. “I should just go…” He murmured and got off the bed, I caught his wrist and he turned around to face me.
“Please stay, I don’t want to be alone.” I whispered and he nodded. “The depression and the eating thing isn’t a big deal, you’ve got nothing to feel sorry for.” I assured him as he climbed back into my bed.
“I’m sorry Gee.” He smiled weakly and I beamed at him- no one outside my close circle of friends had ever seemed so sorry for anything.
“I told you, Frank its fine.” I smiled at him and he nodded, smiling back.
“Can I ask a question though?” He asked and I rolled my eyes, but agreed.
“Why do you think that you’re fat and ugly?” He said, almost in a whisper. I looked down and played with my hands.
“I just, I guess that it’s because no one’s ever…taken an interest in me. Ever. I mean, I only have two friends that aren’t related, Ray and Bob and I’ve never been with anyone, I’ve never kissed anyone and I’m a twenty year old virgin. Nobody ever tells me I’m beautiful and I know I’m not. I just accept it even though I still hate it.” I sighed and closed my eyes, not wanting to meet Frankie’s hurt gaze.
“ Look at me.” I looked up at him and he smiled at me. ”Well I think you’re beautiful and it doesn’t matter. I’m eighteen and I’ve never kissed anybody and I’m still a virgin as well. I’m your friend too, if you want me to be.” He said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“I’d like that.” I smiled and he smirked at me.
“We’re going to buy you something sexy!” He said and I laughed, Gerard and sexy don’t mix. I lay down and pulled him to lie next to me.
“Gee…”
“Yeah?” What did he want this time?
“Will you hold me please?” He asked nervously and I smiled, wrapping him in a warm embrace as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“This what Mikey usually does? Or your girlfriend?” I chuckled.
“Nah, I just wanted to ask you because it felt right and your room is kind of cold, I mean, it’s a basement.” He laughed. “ I don’t have a girlfriend either, I’m bi and I’ve never had anyone. I was shocked when I met Mikey and he just accepted it like it was nothing. I expected him to go running especially as we share an apartment at the college. But over the year we’ve become, like, best friends and he told me pretty much all about you and I understood why he’s so accepting. He really loves you Gee, just as you are, he really looks up to you.” I smiled and laughed lightly.
“I think we should sleep now.” I said and closed my eyes.
“Night Gee.” Frankie whispered.
“Night Frankie.” I smiled and drifted off into a heavy, dreamless sleep.
~
My dreams were starting to break up as I heard voices from upstairs.
“Where’s Frank?” Mikey’s voice said from the room above my bed, the kitchen.
“I don’t know, maybe he went for a walk. Ask Gerard.” I heard my Mom say as my eyes slid back shut and I drifted into a momentary sleep.
“Morning Gerard, have you seen…Frank?” Mikey asked and I opened my eyes, taking in my surroundings and my position. I had my legs entwined with Frank’s and he had his arms around my waist and my arms wrapped around his neck.
“Mikey it’s not what it looks like I promise!” I nearly shouted and yanked myself away from Frank, waking him up.
“Where am I- what? Oh! Hi Mikey, how you going, bro?” He asked and rubbed his eyes, sleepily.
“Frank. Care to explain why you were in my brother’s bed and why your legs and arms were all mangled with his and massive grins were gracing your faces in your sleep?” Mikey asked, smirking.
“Mikes! It’s not like that I swear! We didn’t- I’m not- I promise-“ Frank stuttered.
“Frank, it’s okay, I was only joshing with ya. It’s fine. Nightmares?” Mikey asked and Frank nodded, returning to a more normal colour, aka, not tomato red.
“I’m going for a shower, you guys can hang in here if you like.” I said getting a towel and walking into the bathroom. I didn’t bother to look in the mirror, I didn’t need that battle today. I could hear them talking over the TV before I turned the water on.
“I’m going out with a girl today Frank, sorry, so shopping’s cancelled.” Mikey said.
“That’s awesome Mikes! It doesn’t matter I’m going shopping with Gee. I invited him last night and he said yeah ‘cause he needs some stuff anyway so I guess it’s just me and him now.” Frankie said.
“Cool, do you know what you’re buying?” Mikey asked Frank as I stripped my clothes.
“I’m just going to buy a new pair of jeans, but Gee needs some new bra’s so I said I’d buy some with him. I want him to get some new clothes as well. I want him to understand just how beautiful he really is and I want him to show that. I think it will be good for him.” I didn’t hear Mikey’s reaction because I turned the water on and stepped in the shower. I guess if Frankie said it to my brother, he really does think I’m beautiful and wasn’t just taking pity on me. I hate it when people take pity on me even more than when they ridicule me- it makes me feel even more useless.
I let the warm water wash down my body and for the first time, I didn’t feel bad about myself. I didn’t feel good about myself or my body either, just accepting it slightly. I lathered my hair and washed my body as well. I didn’t need to shave and the only hair I have is on my head, due to the confliction of my male and female hormones. I rinsed the soap suds out of my hair and squeezed some of the water out of it after I had shut off the tap. I grabbed a towel and rubbed it through my hair, making it ruffle and fall around my face messily. The towel I used got thrown in the wash and I slipped on a pair of black boxers and a black sports bra, and having forgotten about my brother and my friend being in my room, walked straight out of the bathroom and to the wardrobe. My bed was in the corner of the room so I didn’t even look at it. I bent down to my drawer where I keep my skinnies and pull on a pair of black drainpipes with rips in the knees and sat down with crossed legs in front of my full length mirror and picked up my brush. I looked in the mirror and gasped, my brother was sitting staring at me and smirking and Frankie had his mouth wide open with a look of pure shock on his face.
“P-please d-don’t look.” I begged and I ran across the room, not caring for the amount of pain my back was in due to the too small bra or that I was jiggling a bit too much. I grabbed my favourite Misfits shirt and pulled it on. Mikey was looking at the TV screen where Friends was playing but Frank was still staring at me, checking me out and grinning.
“Frankie! Stop staring!” I pleaded and blushed, crossing the room and picking up my brush, combing through my hair and going back into the bathroom, closing the door behind me and sliding down it, letting a few tears fall and then realising I didn’t care, started a full on crying jag. My brother and his best friend had seen me in just my underwear! I look awful enough with clothes on let alone in just my underwear! When I had finished I walked to the sink and splashed some water on my face and looked in the mirror. My face was pale and my hair was nearly dry now- I must have been crying for a good twenty minutes. I sighed and picked up my eyeliner pencil, drawing a line just under each of my eyes and smudging it a bit- I think it makes me look a bit better, just darkens my eyes a little bit.
R&R
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