Categories > TV > Criminal Minds > Failure and Success
He felt like a failure and he had been wrong, he was weak. He hadn't been the only one wrong, Gideon had been wrong as well. He'd told Spencer that he was strong and the he would not to broken. But by the time it was over he had ended up addicted, wasn't that just as bad? Not only that, but now he had nightmares. Some were flashes from his childhood; others were of his kidnapping and what could have happened. He slept less because he knew that he would wake up screaming.
The rest of the team knew that something was up. While he was at work he was fidgety, all he kept seeing was that room, the look on Hankle's face whether he was Tobias, Rafael or Charles. He just wished that he could make all his pain go away. He knew that he needed to concentrate, and if he wasn't careful he was going to end up in big trouble. It was bad enough that he had been asked by just about everyone on the team, if he was okay and that they knew what he went through wouldn't have been easy for anyone. He had to prove them wrong and hide his addiction. So far he was doing a pretty good job. Or so he thought.
It was late; everyone was more or less gone for the evening. Spencer usually made sure that he was the last to leave. But that night he hadn't been so lucky. Gideon had caught him before he even had the chance to leave the office. "Spencer?"
Spencer turned quickly, and out of habit, had put his hand over the front of his bag. Gideon knew that as the boss, he would have to make sure that his youngest team member was okay. They had tried giving Reid his space and let him try to figure things out for himself. He seemed unable to concentrate; he looked like he hadn't slept in days, at least not a full night. He seemed irritable, short tempered and lost. As the one who made sure that he was part of the BAU, it was his job to gibe Reid the help that he required, even if Spencer didn't ask. "Sir?"
"Do you have a minute?"
"Um…Actually…" His mind was racing. Had he noticed the shake to his hands when he was late for his fix? He had made it a point not to sleep on their flights, so no one knew about his nightmares. He knew that he looked like shit but he still had everything under control, didn't he?
"Please, this'll only take a minute."
"Okay." Spencer sat in the chair that Gideon had pulled out for him. "So what's up?" He could already feel his skin start to itch, that was the first sign that he needed a fix. Then his mouth would go dry and he would start to shake, worse than he was already.
"You haven't been yourself lately. You've been irritable, moody and I was just trying to make sure that you were okay. No one expects you to be at your best. You've had a pretty rough year." He could see Spencer's body language change. He had pulled his knees up, so that his feet rested on the bottom bar of the chair. It was almost as if he was trying to close in on himself.
Spencer sighed. "I'm fine. I was worried that I couldn't do my job as well as I used to, but I'm fine. I've realized that my experience could either make me a victim or I can come out stronger for it. At first I was letting it victimize me but I've decided that I'm not going to let it win."
Jason nodded. He knew that Spencer was strong, probably stronger than anyone else he'd ever known. He also knew that Spencer was brilliant and that he specialized in human behaviour; so no doubt the man knew how to lie well. But until Gideon knew otherwise he had no choice but to believe him. "Okay."
Spencer smiled, stood up and walked out the door. Jason knew that he was in big trouble. Spencer's left hand had started to tremble, and his smile never reached his eyes, no, they still looked as haunted as ever. Reid was definitely having problems but until he had solid proof or Reid went to him, there was nothing that he could do.
Reid, on the other hand, had originally decided that all he wanted was the comfort of his empty apartment but after his meeting with Gideon he decided that was the last thing that he needed. So he drove straight from the office to a bar.
The rest of the team knew that something was up. While he was at work he was fidgety, all he kept seeing was that room, the look on Hankle's face whether he was Tobias, Rafael or Charles. He just wished that he could make all his pain go away. He knew that he needed to concentrate, and if he wasn't careful he was going to end up in big trouble. It was bad enough that he had been asked by just about everyone on the team, if he was okay and that they knew what he went through wouldn't have been easy for anyone. He had to prove them wrong and hide his addiction. So far he was doing a pretty good job. Or so he thought.
It was late; everyone was more or less gone for the evening. Spencer usually made sure that he was the last to leave. But that night he hadn't been so lucky. Gideon had caught him before he even had the chance to leave the office. "Spencer?"
Spencer turned quickly, and out of habit, had put his hand over the front of his bag. Gideon knew that as the boss, he would have to make sure that his youngest team member was okay. They had tried giving Reid his space and let him try to figure things out for himself. He seemed unable to concentrate; he looked like he hadn't slept in days, at least not a full night. He seemed irritable, short tempered and lost. As the one who made sure that he was part of the BAU, it was his job to gibe Reid the help that he required, even if Spencer didn't ask. "Sir?"
"Do you have a minute?"
"Um…Actually…" His mind was racing. Had he noticed the shake to his hands when he was late for his fix? He had made it a point not to sleep on their flights, so no one knew about his nightmares. He knew that he looked like shit but he still had everything under control, didn't he?
"Please, this'll only take a minute."
"Okay." Spencer sat in the chair that Gideon had pulled out for him. "So what's up?" He could already feel his skin start to itch, that was the first sign that he needed a fix. Then his mouth would go dry and he would start to shake, worse than he was already.
"You haven't been yourself lately. You've been irritable, moody and I was just trying to make sure that you were okay. No one expects you to be at your best. You've had a pretty rough year." He could see Spencer's body language change. He had pulled his knees up, so that his feet rested on the bottom bar of the chair. It was almost as if he was trying to close in on himself.
Spencer sighed. "I'm fine. I was worried that I couldn't do my job as well as I used to, but I'm fine. I've realized that my experience could either make me a victim or I can come out stronger for it. At first I was letting it victimize me but I've decided that I'm not going to let it win."
Jason nodded. He knew that Spencer was strong, probably stronger than anyone else he'd ever known. He also knew that Spencer was brilliant and that he specialized in human behaviour; so no doubt the man knew how to lie well. But until Gideon knew otherwise he had no choice but to believe him. "Okay."
Spencer smiled, stood up and walked out the door. Jason knew that he was in big trouble. Spencer's left hand had started to tremble, and his smile never reached his eyes, no, they still looked as haunted as ever. Reid was definitely having problems but until he had solid proof or Reid went to him, there was nothing that he could do.
Reid, on the other hand, had originally decided that all he wanted was the comfort of his empty apartment but after his meeting with Gideon he decided that was the last thing that he needed. So he drove straight from the office to a bar.
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