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Again, two smaller Chapters have fused to form...A LARGER CHAPTER! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!





"And that, my vertically-challenged amigos, is how you get to the Gryffindor Common room from the Great Hall. On Sunday nights, anyway." When the small crowd of small wizards and witches stopped gawking at the red and gold-decorated room and stared at him curiously, Harry grinned. "As you no-doubt saw, the stairways like to move around. And some doors only open, or appear, on certain days or at certain times of the day. Some 'doors' are just walls pretending to be doors."


Hermione nodded in agreement, but was smiling reassuringly. "That's true. It's very confusing at first, but don't worry, you'll get used to it in a week or two. You can also count on Harry or myself, or any other Prefect, to point you in the right direction."


The winged prefect smirked. "As long as the Prefect is doing their job, anyway. In recent years the Slytherin Prefects have been a tad... hostile."


His female partner nodded reluctantly. "Yes, I suppose that's true enough." Shaking her head, she pointed to the stairwells on either side of the room. "In any case, the boy's dorms are to the left, and the girl's dorms are to your right. You should see your year number on the first door you see, and your trunks should already be there."


"You heard the lady; off to bed with the lot of you!" Not overly upset by the command, the tired firsties dispersed quickly enough, yawning as they headed for their respective dorms. Turning to his first female friend once the runts had vanished from sight, Harry blinked at the soft smile she was gracing him with. "...uh, Hermione?"


The bushy-haired witch's smile widened, and she pointed to his shoulder. "You forgot one."


It was only once she'd pointed her out, that Harry remembered the tiny first year witch who'd sleepily asked to be carried up the many flights of stairs. Reaching up, he found that her thin arms were still around his neck, and her head was resting on his shoulder as she snored softly, nestled between his wings. "Huh, I forgot all about her. Little help?" Harry leaned down, and the two Prefects gently peeled the little raven-haired girl off of Harry's back, and in no time at all she was snoozing contentedly in Hermione's arms. "Do you want me to carry her upstairs?"


Shaking her head and speaking quietly, Hermione turned down his offer. "No, I'll be fine. Being a Prefect, you're one of the few males not on the Faculty who can get into the female dorms, but you shouldn't make a habit of it."


Harry frowned. "But you've been getting into the boy's dorms just fine for years!"


Visibly amused, Hermione just shrugged slightly, careful to avoid disturbing the little witch. "I guess the Founders thought girls could be trusted more than boys could. Well, goodnight."


"Night, 'mione." Harry watched her cross the room and ascend the stairway, only briefly admiring her rump as she climbed the stairs, before glancing around the cozy common room. Not seeing anyone he was friends with amongst the few scattered students, Harry turned and headed for his own dorm room. Entering the fifth-years boy's dorm, he saw that Ron, Seamus, and Dean had already put up posters supporting their favourite teams (Quidditch and soccer), and gone to bed, the hangings drawn tightly shut. Neville, however, was still up and about, tending to a rather odd looking little plant. "Heya Neville! Uh, sorry about dragging you in front of all of those firsties, but I needed to do something to get them to lighten up a bit; a couple of them looked like they were going to faint."


Neville chuckled. "That's alright, Harry. Hey, I haven't shown you my Mimbulus mimbletonia yet, have I?"


Harry shook his head. "No, you haven't. Is that where the password came from?"


"Yeah, I won't be forgetting that one anytime soon." The plant-lover waved the Boy-Who-Lived over. "Here, take a look at this; it has a truly fascinating defense mechanism." Rummaging through a drawer as Harry moved closer, Neville came up with a quill, which he handed to his roommate. "Just give it a little jab."


Taking the quill from the innocently-smiling Gryffindor, Harry hesitated only for a moment before stabbing the point into the grey, boil-covered cactus.


Neville dove under his bed.


Harry got hosed from head to toe with a torrent of dark-green goo. Wiping his face to the sound of muffled snickering, Harry couldn't help grinning, despite the utterly vile smell. "Ok, THAT I had coming."





Dean grinned as he tied up his shoelaces. "Looks like somebody had fun in the Splicing Centre."


Pulling his robes over his head, Harry grinned back at the dark- skinned wizard once his head was out in the open. "Damn straight! You thought about paying a visit yourself?"


The West Ham soccer supporter shrugged. "I thought about it, but then I realised that it'd be pointless to try and improve on perfection-" The other wizards in the room snorted. "-but my little sisters were begging mum and dad to let them get spliced into catgirls."


The phoenix/panther man nodded. "That seems to be a pretty popular choice, and with good reason, too."


"I don't see the attraction myself, but whatever floats your boat, mate." Dean cocked his head to the side, watching as Harry shifted his wings as he buttoned up the back of his robe. "If it's not too much to ask, would you mind posing for a few anatomical sketches? Just upper body, naturally."


"Wings, huh?"


The half-blood Thomas nodded, a half-smile on his face. "I owe my little sister a picture of an 'angel', but I can never get the wings right."


Harry shrugged. "I don't mind walking around with my shirt off for a bit, as long as we do it up here."


Ron smirked from his seat in his bed. "Don't want to scare the girls away, huh?" The laughing redhead was forced to duck away from a thrown shoe, tangling his lanky body in the sheets and falling off of the bed in the process. "Aw, bloody hell!"


Chuckling at the redhead's misfortune, Harry summoned back his shoe and slipped it on. "How about you, Seamus? How were your holidays?"


The Irish wizard chuckled nervously. "Great! Perfect!" He cleared his throat and stood 'casually'. "Well, I'm off to breakfast." The sandy-haired teen then all but ran from the room, his belt unbuckled, his tie undone, shirt untucked, his shoes in his hands, and his robe thrown over his shoulder.


Staring at the door the half-dressed wizard had just hobbled through, Harry frowned in confusion. "What the hell was that all about?"


Dean sighed. "My old man has a name for people like his mum; sheeple. Someone who needs a newspaper to tell them how to think. Seamus is kind of embarrased about it."


Harry groaned. "The Daily Prophet strikes again."


The dark teen nodded. "And they can't even keep their story straight. First they were insulting you, then suggesting you and Dumbledore might be onto something, then insulting you, then agreeing with you, all Summer long."


The phoenix-man rolled his eyes as he finished tying up his shoelaces and stood. "What's the final tally?"


Neville answered while watering his devil plant. "They don't think the Dark Lord is back, but they think you saw some dark wizard fake his ressurection in an attempt to capitalise on You-Know-Who's reputation."


"Weird. That's actually a reasonable explanation. I wonder who came up with it?"


Dean shrugged. "Someone with half a brain, I guess."


"Hmm. Well, I'll see you all down in the Great Hall." Picking up his book bag and slinging it over his shoulder, Harry stepped out of the dorm and strolled down the stairs to the common room. He got down there just in time to see Hermione tear a sign off of the notice board and scrunch it up. "What was that all about?"


"Here, just take a look at what the twins are up to now!" The glaring witch tossed him the ball of parchment and crossed her arms, waiting for him to read it.


He managed to straighten out the mess, and began reading out loud. "Gallons of galleons! Pocket money failing to keep pace with your outgoings? Like to earn a little extra gold? Contact Fred and George Weasley, Gryffindor common room, for simple, part-time, virutally painless jobs. We regret that all work is undertaken at applicant's own risk." He glanced up at the fuming brunette. "You have to admit, it's a step up from just slipping some new concoction to an unsuspecting victim."


Hermione grumbled, reluctantly agreeing. "I suppose so. But we still need to have a talk with them about this."


Harry nodded. "Yeah, I can already see one or two problems that might come from this. I'll have a talk with them if you want; see if I can get them to tone it down a bit."


The brunette smiled, visibly relaxing. "Thanks, Harry." Blinking, Hermione checked her watch before she glanced up the stairs to the boy's rooms. "Is Ron going to be much longer?"


"He'd only just gotten out of bed before I came down here."


Hermione huffed. "That boy! I guess there's no sense in waiting for him to get his rear in gear, is there?"


"No, not really." Turning to head to the entrance portal, Harry almost ran into the tiny witch he'd carried upstairs the night before. "Woah! Hello there!"


The little girl's pixie cut hair and bright blue eyes added to her adorable appearance as she stared up at the winged Prefect nervously, shuffling from foot to foot. She opened her mouth several times to speak, before turning and attempting to flee the area, only to have her escape blocked by a wall of red and gold feathers.


Harry gently turned the little girl around to face him. "Hey now, I'm sure you walked up for a perfectly good reason, and 'mione and I are Prefects, so it's our job to help cute little witches."


Surprisingly, the cute little witch in question suddenly looked distinctly annoyed, glaring up at the taller wizard. "I'm not cute!"


In defiance of her claim to the contrary, her frowny pout actually made her look cuter, a fact Harry and Hermione decided to keep to themselves. "If you say so. Can we help you with anything?"


And then she was back to being nervous. "Um...I don't know how to get to that big room with all the tables."


The two Prefects smiled, and Hermione spoke for the pair of them. "We're headed to the Great Hall right now, if you'd like to come with us."


The little girl grinned and ran over to the couch, grabbed her book bag, then ran back, slipping her tiny hand into Harry's much larger one. "Ready!"


Harry chuckled at her enthusiasm. "Alright then, let's go."


The three Gryffindors made their way to the back of the Fat Lady, when Hermione suddenly gasped in realisation. "I'm sorry, but I've completely forgotten your name."


The blue-eyed witch smiled, not upset at all. "I'm Carmen Sandiego."


Grinning, Harry couldn't help himself. "That's a cute name."


It's a good thing Carmen was just a first year; if she'd been a couple of years older, she might have actually harmed Harry when she stomped on his foot in retaliation.





Hermione Granger, Sorceress Supreme of Earth... er, Muggleborn fifth year witch, sighed explosively as Professor Binns drifted through the back wall and out of the classroom. Carefully rolling up her exhaustive notes and packing them away, along with her ink-pot and quills, she shouldered her bag and turned to her two oldest friends.


Both of whom were, like the rest of the class, slumped over and asleep on their desks.


"Honestly, if I didn't lend them my notes..." She drew her wand and poked the snoozing Harry in the ribs, getting only a slight shifting and a mumble for her efforts. A harder jab in the softer flesh of his kidney did the trick, and the spliced wizard snapped up in his seat, glaring sleepily at god only knows what.


"Avert your eyes, eunuch!"


The shouted command snapped the rest of the class out of their daze, but only the two Gryffindor Prefects conciously recalled what was said. As the rest of the just-roused students went about packing their bags, Hermione stared flatly at her winged housemate. "'Avert your eyes, eunuch'?"


Harry chuckled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. "Man, this is awkward."


Yawning, Ron threw his untouched materials into his bag. "What's a eunuch?"





Walking to their next class - potions - at a casual pace, the lanky redheaded wizard winced as his bushy-haired friend gave him the defining trait shared by all eunuchs. "Why the bloody hell would anyone let someone else hack their balls off?"


"Servants or slaves were usually castrated in order to make them a 'safer' servant to a royal court." Eyeing Harry pointedly, Hermione added; "They also made popular guards for harems in some cultures."


Ron blinked, then grinned at his shorter male friend. "Wait, you were dreaming about-"


"NO."


Still grinning, Ron leaned closer. "Any witches I know?"


"NO!" The utterly unconvinced glare Hermione levelled at him made him falter. "There were a few girls from school...and from outside of school...but you definitely weren't one of them, Hermione."


Hermione crossed her arms. "Try again, Harry."


"You were completely clothed, I swear!"


"..."


"I can't control my dreams, ok!?"


The muggleborn sighed, her frown fading somewhat as she hugged herself self-conciously. "I suppose not. I just don't want to be hearing about myself as a concubine in some harem; it touches on some very disturbing nightmares I've had."


Harry didn't even pause to think before grabbing the young witch and pulling her into a tight hug, his wings wrapping around the pair tightly. Burying his face in her hair, his voice lowered to a menacing growl that made both Ron and Hermione shiver. "I would die before they laid so much as a finger on you."


Not having any room to join in on the fierce grip Harry had on their friend, Ron was forced to simply nod grimly in agreement.


Hermione didn't say anything, she just relaxed into Harry's embrace, enjoying the unusual waves of warmth and comfort his body seemed to produce. Eventually, her instictive drive to be punctual won out, and she leaned back slightly, just enough to look Harry in the eyes. "I really hate to say this, but we're going to be late for Potions at this rate."


The two wizards chuckled, and Harry released the witch but kept a grip on her hand, his fingers entwined with hers. "Come on then; I don't want to piss off another Potions Professor if I can help it."





Standing outside of the potions classroom, Harry had his first face-to-face encounter with Draco Malfoy for the school year. Needless to say, the blonde Slytherin was one agitated ferret, for a variety of reasons.


That, or he was constipated. It was kind of difficult to tell with a face like his.


"You'll pay, Potter."


Ok, so he was pissed.


Harry leaned back against the wall across from the Slytherin and crossed his arms, arching an eyebrow curiously. "What am I going to pay for? Because if it was smacking your mum on the arse, then you should know that it was totally self-defence."


Draco's pale face flashed with anger... well, moreso than it had been. "You WHAT!?"


"Didn't hear about that, huh?" Harry rubbed his chin in thought. "Is it because I'm a Prefect and you're not? That's your Head of House's fault, not mine."


Growling, Draco drew his wand and levelled it at his Gryffindor nemesis. "I don't know what you did to my father, Potter, but I'll find out, and then you'll pay!"


Hermione cut him off. "A fourth-year student kidnapping a fully grown wizard? Does that honestly sound plausible to you, Malfoy?"


The blonde prat scowled down at the shorter fifth-year in a manner that he apparently thought was imperious. "Know your place, bitch, and be silent while men are talking."


A few wizards from Gryffindor drew their wands, and most of the witches present, Gryffindor and Slytherin, scowled at his chauvinism. Hermione laughed briefly and mockingly. "Men? I only see one MAN talking, and one snot-nosed little brat crying for his daddy."


Draco's wand shot from Harry to Hermione, but he hurriedly stuffed it away, just as everyone else did, when the classroom door opened and Professor Slughorn poked his head out. "All here? Excellent! Come in, come in!"


Draco sniffed and swept into the classroom in a pale imitation of the previous potions Professor, prompting snickers from the rest of the students - those who weren't his brainless lackeys, anyway - as they followed behind.


Once everyone had settled, the overweight Professor at the front of the room beamed widely, clapping his hands together and rubbing them eagerly. "Hello hello hello, there! I'm Professor Horace Slughorn, and I'll be taking over for Professor Snape for the forseeable future. Unfortunately, we've got a couple of boring lessons on our plates for the next week or two; after going through your former teacher's lesson plans, I found a glaring lack of any kind of education in the use of the many cleaning or basic protection charms used in even the most simple of potions work." The fat wizard frowned and shook his head, disappointed. "I know I taught that boy better; this stuff should have been covered in your first year."


Slughorn perked right back up, smiling cheerily and ignoring the disgruntled looks on several Slytherins who looked to prefer the dark, dour, greasy-haired bastard to this chunky clown. "But I've got a little something to liven up the lesson anyway..." He flicked his wand behind the desk and levitated a large tray of vials onto the desk. Plucking up one vial of the murky brown muck, he held it up so the whole class could see. "Can anyone tell me what this is?"


Harry grinned.


Hermione groaned softly.


Ron snickered in rememberence.


All three raised their hands, along with a few others in the class.


Slughorn pointeded enthusiastically to the celebrity in the group. "Yes, Mr Potter?"


"It's polyjuice potion, sir."


"Exactly, my good boy, exactly! Polyjuice potion! Each of these vials has enough of a dose to transform one person into one other person for the remainder of the lesson, so everyone who wants a dose, come up and take one."


From the back of the class, Draco drawled. "Can we take our potion and save it for later?"


The chunky wizard teacher shook his head vehemently. "Goodness no! Too much potential for abuse, after all, so if you don't take it now, you lose your shot. Take a minute to borrow a hair from a friend, then come up here and drink your dose in front of the class."


Harry winced and clapped a hand to his head, while a grinning Ron bounded to the front of the class and gleefully accepted a vial from the tray. Dumping the black hairs into the muck, he choked the whole lot down and, in no time at all, a second Boy-Who-Lived stood at the front of the class. Minus wings and with blurred vision, of course.


Ron-Harry scowled as he squinted at the area where the original Potter still sat. "Hey, why didn't I get the animal parts too?"


Harry shrugged. "Beats me." He blinked, then grinned, reaching over and snagging a hair from the head of a certain muggle-born Prefect. "Yoink!"


Hermione glared warningly at her winged friend. "Harry James Potter, don't you dare!"


Half out of his seat, harry turned back around to level his slitted kitty-cat eyes at her. "Come on, Hermione, haven't you ever wanted to experience first-hand how the other half lives, even if it's just for a little while? I'll even give you one of my own hairs, to make it an even trade!"


Professor Slughorn nodded, his mustache twitching with amusement. "Using polyjuice to temporarily change into a member of the opposite gender is actually quite a common practise. If you choose to become a healer, you are required to do so many times during your training to desensitize you to the physical charms of the opposite sex. Aurors also regularly polyjuice into the forms of other Aurors of both genders in order to gain an intimate understanding of the physical strengths and limitations of their colleagues; quite handy in the field as I understand it."


Hermione pondered the matter briefly, before sighing and reaching up, yanking a few hairs from Harry's head. "You'd better keep your hands where I can see them, buster!"


Nodding, Harry was none-the-less grinning as he walked to the front of the class. "Duly noted. You may want to do something about your clothes; I'm a fair bit bigger than you, and I've got some added features down below, if you catch my meaning."


Blushing slightly, Hermione ignored the snickering of the rest of the class and waved her wand around her body, making a few adjustments to her clothing to accomodate any growth.


By the time she was finished, Harry had already downed his dose of polyjuice potion, and the still-winged now-female was swaying in place and slowly unbuttoning the front of her robes. "I'm...too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hu-ARK!"


The fifth-year class was treated to the unusual sight of Harry Potter screaming and throttling the crap out of a choking, madly cackling, and winged Hermione Granger, while another Harry Potter was rolling on the floor and laughing his ass off.


Needless to say, it was an interesting hour.





Settling back into her seat behind her desk, Minerva McGonagall eyed the calmly smiling young wizard thoughtfully. Eventually, she held up the note he'd handed her. "Is this true?"


Harry's eyebrows rose, but his expression remained completely innocent. "Is what true, Ma'am?"


The animagus frowned, but her eyes betrayed her faint amusement. "Did you really call Professor Umbridge a moron?"


The teenager shook his head. "Actually, I believe I ASKED her if she was a moron, and in a very respectful manner, too."


The witch glanced at the note once again. "Did you also ask her if she knew she was 'peddling an eight hundred page sleeping potion'?"


Harry chuckled. "I'm actually pretty proud of that one."


"You should be; it's quite clever." Shaking her head and wiping the brief smile off of her face, the Gryffindor Head of House managed to look properly stern. "You should be a lot more careful around Umbridge, Potter; you know where she comes from and who she reports to."


The phoenix-splice sighed. "Yeah, I know. It'd also be a lot harder to get away with making her 'disappear'. Unfortunately, I might have to do it anyway."


McGonagall shook her head again. "You can't just dispose of everyone you don't like, Potter, no matter how distasteful they may be."


Harry frowned, his face becoming completely serious. "If I was doing that, Draco and his catamites wouldn't have made it onto the Hogwarts Express. I'm part phoenix now, and I can FEEL that Umbridge is evil, and a serious threat to everyone in the school."


The Deputy Headmistress stared at her student for a long while before sighing. "Just make sure that if you have to make someone else 'disappear', that you do it for the right reasons." She checked the note once more. "You've got a week of afternoon detentions with her, but I suppose it would be a tad suspicious if she disappeared at a time when she was alone with you, wouldn't it?"


Harry nodded. "Yep. Don't worry, I'll figure something out. Hey, I don't suppose you have another one of those time-turners lying around, do you?"


The feline animagus answered blandly. "No, I'm afraid I don't."


The Prefect snapped his fingers. "Damn! For a second there I thought I'd have the perfect alibi!"


Minerva pinched the bridge of her nose. "Potter..."


"Yes?"


The witch pointed to a tin on her desk. "Take a biscuit, then kindly get the hell out."


Harry gladly snatched up a biscuit and stood, but sat back down after a moment of consideration. "Actually, I'd like to talk to you about my Divination classes..."





I'm aware that I kind of jump around a bit from one scene to the next. It's mostly because, for the moment, I'm going through scenes from the books that everyone's read with a new Harry. Pretty soon the story will diverge pretty sharply from canon, and I'll tone down the jumping aorund a bit.


A couple of lines were inspired by several Simpsons characters; Doctor Snake Jailbird, Abu Nahasapeemapetilon aka Slime Q Slime Dog, and Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, in particular.


The firstie, Carmen Sandiego, goes without saying, and she'll have a larger part to play later on.


This is the last of the already-written episodes, but I've got one half-finished somewhere that will be up in a couple of days.


So...yeah. Review, and I shall make fun of...I mean...appreciate it.


Cypher3au