FicWad

EDIT: I really tried to put a little structure into this massive clusterfuck I posted about, um, almost a year ago...damn.

I tried to fix all the typos (the whole thing was basically a typo:L) and I tried to edit some parts to make it less crappy

I'm still aware of the shittyness and I'm positive I wouldn't post this if it wasn't already here. Damn this thing had the worst plot ever...it just comes off as horribly awkward

In a way this shows how much my writing has changed since then and I'll keep it simply because of that. It shows me that I have in fact (or hopefully) improved my style and um...yadayada I'll just let you read this shit now


28/4/12/

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE AND I DEMAND YOU TO NOT SKIP THE A/N, DAMMIT

Honey, This Mirror isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us

The amount of pills I'm taking counteracts the booze I'm drinking

I was crouching down, head hovering over the toilet, tousled strands of my messy black hair loosly falling over my forehead, covering my bloodshot eyes, while retching my fucking guts out...again.
I didn't mean to do it! I seriously didn't, but it was one of these nasty habits I could't seem to get rid of... 
Groaning I rested my aching head on the toilet bowl, trying to put the swirling and spinning in my head to a stop. A dull throb went through my temples, making them pulse in pain. My vision blurred as another wave of nausea crashed upon me. I gripped the cold porcelain of the toilet and choked a few times to try and keep what was left in my stomache down there.
Though the only thing that passed my lips by now were pills. 
My oh so sweet pills.
Red and blue and green and white
big and small
round or oval
I had them all and I hated them just as much as I loved them.
And then there was the booze...
to put it short: you name it, I probably drank it.

Oh the joys of my life


And this vanity I'm breaking lets me live my life like this

My ego was long gone, flushed down the drain along with the contents of my stomach. My confidence, my creativity, my diversity, everything about me, my happiness, my fears, all my quirks, myself ; dismembered, disfigured, mutilated. I was but a shadow of myself. The worst part of it, I was totally aware what I was. Nothing but a filthy, worthless junkie.
And selfish. I was so selfish and I knew it.
I felt it from the bottom of my heart to the very fucking tips of my fingers. 
I was destroying myself and I was dragging everyone down with me.
 
But they stayed. They stayed by my side, made me feel better and took care of me no matter what. They gave up on their own lives, passed up every opportunity for something better and stayed with /me/.
I didn't deserve them and I was aware of that, too. 
I /knew/. I knew alot of things, but I was too damn selfish, so I kept them by my side, killing them slowly.
I was a disgrace to our planet. I was tainting this world with every filthy step i took, like a disease slowly spreading and making you ill.
I was what made you ill.


And well I find it hard to stay
With the words you say

Sometimes you'd come to me, try to talk to me, make me stop all of this.
Sometimes you'd get angry, shout at me and even though it hurt I could tell;
I could tell that deep down inside you were in pain, hurting, dying of concern and it was my fault. I was making you sad. I had created the monster that haunted you at night, the monster inside you that wouldn't let you get to sleep out of /fear/. Fear for me; fear i didn't deserve.
But I was too arrogant, too ignorant and too fucking proud to aknowledge that.
So I just snapped at you and went away, trying to forget it ever happened.
And what's a better way to block you out than alcohol?


Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

Of course I'd regret it afterwards, feeling so godamn dirty and worthless, so pathetic, so utterly pointless, as if my existence was an utter waste of space not affecting others in any way but hurting them. And I would end up on the porch crying helplessly and begging you to let me in once more.
I'd say how sorry i was,
that i would change,
but you always knew the lie behind those words.


Well I'll choose the life I've taken

You'd just nod and help me in, seeing as most of the time i could't even walk in a semi straight line. I was staggering around hopelessly lost, searching for directions.
And you'd lead me up to the bathroom and rub your hand up and down my back in soothing circles, kneading my flesh a little to relax my tense muscles when i'd once again be wrenching my guts down the toilet, telling you how sorry i was over and over again, swearing this'd be the one last time.
Only to do it again the very next day.


Never mind the friends I'm making

I'd bring home guys and girls i'd met at clubs or bars.
You'd call them creepy and lock yourself in your room. To be honset, I wholeheartedly agreed with you, but I just couldn't care less, as long as they kept what they promised and brought me my sweet, sweet poison.


And the beauty that I'm faking
Lets me live my life like this

My poison.
These little selfdestructive habits my life seemed to revolve around.
Those delicious substances intoxicating my body, making it go so pleasureably numb.
It made me forget for a while and I'd do anything to get it.
Even if it was 'frowned upon business', like you being so innocent liked to call it.
My looks really did me good there. Even though I couldn't understand how anyone would want me, I took advantage of it.
And despite being completley grossed out by what I did, I still did it.
I was desperate, desperate for the numbness to wash away all the hopeless feelings piling up inside of me. They were clogging up my mind in foul chunks, rotting me from the inside.
And it made me feel even more pathetic to know just how low I'd sunken.
I was a walking talking corpse, nothing more. An emptey soul distorted into a beautiful shell, to hide the hideous person underneath. My body was the only mask left.


And well I find it hard to stay
With the words you say

But you'd always be there, soothing me, cradling me in your comforting arms like a baby in an attempt to make me feel save. You'd whisper calming words to me in that husky low voice of yours, your speaking muffled from talking into the collar of my shirt, until I'd stop crying.
But I couldn't take that you were still there.
You didn't deserve any of this. It made me feel so bad, the feeling of guilt setteling deep in the pit of my stomach, like a dead weight. It hurt, as if tiny razorblades had been put into my bloodstream, lacerating me from the inside as they made incisions into my flesh. It was too much to bear.
So I left again, drowning my sorrows with that sweet burning liquor.


Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

All that just to come back again, even more fucked up than before.
It was a never ending doom loop. I was trapped in this vicious circle, forced to watch myself go down.
And I was afraid, so afraid to hit the bottom, just thinking about it froze me to the core.
Yet there still was nothing to stop me from slipping in further and further.


And you can cry all you want to
I don't care how much
You invest yourself in me
We're not working out

We're not working out

Sometimes I'd walk in on you crying to yourself in your room, curled up into a tight ball on your bed. I'd see how bad the sobs were shaking your body, hear the anguished sounds emitted from your small form.
I'd feel that sudden pang of guilt swell up in the bottom of my gut, like a nasty pile of bittersweet clumps made out of all my mistakes, but I'd cowardly bite it back and walk out again, silently closing the door behind me.


And you can't touch my brother
And you can't keep my friends
We're not working out
And we're not working out

Selfish...so, so very selfish. I didn't understand how I could've let it get that far, but it got to the point I wanted to keep everything and anything to myself. 
I couldn't have you take it.
It was mine.
Mine.
I was clutching the red little capsules tight in my palm, squeezing my hand together in a vicelike grip around my precious 'friends'.
Noone could have them, they were /mine/.
My precious little darlings...
And you couldn't help me no matter how much you tried to.
It just wasn't supposed to work.


This time I mean it
Never mind the times I've seen it

And I'd wake up feeling like shit.
I'd know what I did to you and I'd tentativly come knocking at your door, pleading for forgiveness.
I didn't want to be such a burden.
I'd promised to get better.
And this time i'd really try to.


Well I hope I'm not mistaken by the news I heard from waking

One day I walked in on you talking to your friend on the phone. I only stayed long enough to overhear you saying I was a lost case.
A lost case.
I knew I was but I'd always thought you'd still believe in me,
that you didn't give up on me, like you always told me.
Hearing you say that just fucking hurt.
It hurt so bad i don't think I can find a way to describe it.


And it's hard to say I'm shaken by the choices that I make

And I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to end it even though I was scared.
But could I really do that? The mere thought of it made me shudder, a sudden coldness gripping me. It felt like ice cold hands were running up and down my spine, prodding and squeezing my skin, twisting the pale, sweat-slicked flesh and twisting it with supernatural force. The concept alone had me dry heaving, chocking on nothing but air.
But I had to.
I had decided not to be selfish for once.
It'd be the best for you and that's all that really mattered. With me gone you could lead a happy life, free from all these burdens holding you back.


And well I find it hard to stay
With the words you say.
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

But as always, I'd chicken out, too terrified to actually go through with my plan.
I'd be selfish again and I'd be ashamed.
All the shame, the anger, the confusion brewed together in my brain made a cocktail of emotions so strong I could do nothing to stop them from taking over my existence. Everything was a blur. I needed something to calm my nerves, shut my brain up when it was running wild like this. I'd tried to save you by removing myself, but I'd failed. I'd tried so many times I lost count and in the end I'd end up with you again, begging for one last chance.

Well I'll choose this life I've taken
Never mind the friends I'm making
And I get a little shaken
Because I live my life like this

But I felt scared. Something inside of me kept telling me I didn't belong in that place. I had this vision, this idea of what I could have, what I missed out on;
what you could have and what you missed out on.
It upset me that I was the one preventing each of you from from leading a normal life and fulfill your dreams. I was like a restraint, a shackle bound to your feet, keeping you locked inside this dark place, away from all things happy.


And well I find it hard to stay
With the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

Sometimes I'd hide all alone in an alley, just sitting there, being sick of everything and waiting for death to come.
But sadly it never came.
I felt like even god hated me.
But then I'd remember that maybe, just maybe he didn't want me to leave you,
that he was trying to tell me I should go back to you and for once do the right thing, make it up to you.
And though I'd feel like dirt, I'd still walk home, shakily knock on the door and wait for you to let me in once more.
I promised myself I'd try.
I'd really do.


And you can cry all you want to
I don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me

We're not working out
We're not working out

But I've alway been a bitch
and i never could keep my promises.
For a while things would start to look up, but I could feel myself crumbling, breaking beneath the crippling pressure.
My little darlings would nastily sneak their way back into my life.
My precious precious darlings in red and blue.


And you can't keep my brother
And you won't fuck my friends
And we're not working out
We're not working out this time I mean it
Never mind the times I've seen it

You would be so angry, but in a sick and twisted way...I liked it. I liked how your face contorted into a grimace of pure agony.
I enjoyed seeing the pain and sadness etched in your eyes, the hurt carved right into your soul, because it meant you still cared.
Despite this I was just fed up with it.
I could take care of myself. 
Everything was in control. I didn't need you to tell me what I could and clouldn't do,
so I'd go away and lose it again...


Never again, never again.

Senseless...it was all so senseless, like a record playing on repeat placed inbetween my skull and brain, pumping out emotion-distilled words that jumble together until all you can hear is static. That was my life. Nothing but white noise, no purpose, no meaning, just running around in circles.
I couldn't deceive myself any longer.
You were right,
about everything.
I was just too stubborn to admit it.
And though I considered myself the lowest level possible, I was still too proud to tell you that. I was such a self-absorbed cunt.
But that would change.

This time i mean it.


Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in.

So I'm here again, on the front door, waiting for you to let me in the final time.


Thanks to the dude that reviewed ages after I posted this (aka today) it brought the story back to my attention and gave me the motivation to finally fucking edit it. xk