FicWad

Crimson Regret and Betrayal part 1
Waking up I saw the sun greeting me again, unaware of the dreadful night I’ve had once more. I was starting to care less. If I was going to have nightmares every single night then I should start dealing with it instead of drowning in a pool of tears. You have to have some guts in life. I stood from bed and half-closed the wide open blinds to stop the sun from hitting my sensible eyes. Another sunny day came upon us. I would’ve usually been in a bad mood, since I prefer cloudy, rainy days, sunny days frustrate me, but today, I was glad we had some nice weather. Yesterday it didn’t bother me either, and Will and I could go down to the tree again today.
I was so tired because of my sleepless nights that I fell asleep in school. I couldn’t help it, I was so exhausted. Also, it was so comfortable there in the sun; the warm day, the shade of the tree, the fresh summer air in my skin and my best friend lying next to me. I needed no more. I just felt so comfortable whenever Will was around me. He made me feel safe, at home. And laying down on his chest, hearing his slow heartbeat, breathing in his smell and feeling his arms around me, I felt protected, I felt complete. I was so happy. And when I woke up, it wasn’t from another horrifying nightmare, but from a beautiful dream. It was the first time since my mother died that I didn’t have a nightmare. I still couldn’t believe it, but Will made my nightmares come out of my head for the first time in more than a year. He seemed to bring out the good side of me. Whenever he was near, I knew I could be myself, without having to fake a smile or laugh when I wanted to cry, when I wanted to hide underground for the rest of my life. He made me feel different
I had never considered the possibility of Will having feelings for me, or me having feelings for Will. But yesterday, I don’t know what happened, but something went on in my head that made me think about it. When Will took me to the music room and played that song, that beautiful melody he had written for me, it felt so much different. For a moment it felt like the music was saying everything we had to say, without saying anything at all. It weird, but it made me think about how our closeness may have not been what I was thinking it was all of this time. No. There was something more. Something more hid deep inside the pretended bullet-proof strongbox that was Will’s heart. He had always been silent and kept about his feelings. I am too with people I don’t trust (which are almost everyone, I’m very mistrustful) but I have always been very open with Will. He would always listen to me no matter what I had to say, even if he silently thought what I was mad or sad about was ridiculous, he would still listen and comfort me. I had told him so many things, things that not even my sister knows, and to see him hiding stuff from me, especially things as important as his feelings, was honestly quite hurtful. Mainly, because I know Will is very emotional and even thought he acts like he doesn’t care he can get very seriously hurt.
I still hadn’t told Will about my nightmares. I didn’t have the courage to do it. I know it would hurt him and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. So I kept my mouth shut. My cuts were starting to heal, quicker than I had expected them too. Thought they were still quite red and stung like hell when I washed them with Dettol. I didn’t want Will to find out that I’ve been hiding my cuts because of him; he would be even angrier. But I knew I had to tell him, and I also wanted him to know. I was complaining about how much it hurt that Will hid stuff from me when I was hiding such a thing as a 2cm deep cut (that had luckily healed in minutes becoming a small cut) on my stomach that had magically appeared from a nightmare that had somehow (and don’t ask me what that somehow is because I have no fucking idea and its making me go insane) had become real. Yeah, that is really messed up. I felt like a hypocrite. Will had done so much for me and I was being so selfish. I was going to tell him everything today. I had to, he deserved it; he deserved to know the truth.
I put new bandages on my cuts, dressed up and went downstairs planning to skip the family breakfast and go walking to school again. But right when I was at the door, someone grabbed my shoulder firmly.
-Where do you think you are going, young lady?- an irritated voice said
Great, my plans destroyed.
-Umm… to school?- my comment only earned a death stare from her.
-No way young girl, not without taking breakfast with the family as you should do every single day.
Really bad temper…
-Aunt Marie… we are only three people. And I’m not very hungry either.
-Don’t you dare talk back to me. You will eat with us, end of discussion- she grabbed my arm violently and took me to the dining room, where my sister was sitting behind a ton of food. Aunt Marie made me sit and Sally threw a look at me that said “Don’t mess anything up, she’s already in a bad mood”. I know I shouldn’t, but that look made me want to mess things up as bad as I could just to annoy Aunt Marie. However, I knew that would only earn me a good slap in the face or two and a couple weeks or even a month without leaving my room. Sally would probably cry again and I hated seeing her cry. So I kept silent. However, when a lady came holding a huge tray and laid it in front of me, I could help but burst out.
-What the hell!?
Ok, maybe I said it too loud. But, hey, I’m sure you would’ve done the same. The tray had a huge plate with two eggs, a dozen tiny sausages, five pieces of bacon and scrambled eggs; a bowl with all kinds of fruit; a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee; three toast; an orange; and apple and a croissant. I could´ve never eaten all that in a month.
-This thing could feed five people!
Aunt Marie started turning alarmingly red. Sally sighted and held her head in her hands, preparing for the yelling fit that was about to happen.
-YOU WILL EAT ALL THAT OR YOU WONT LEAVE THIS HOUSE UNTIL YOU ARE THIRTY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!!!
Man could she yell. It scared me at first but later it made my anger build up and I started yelling too.
-YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR WHAT NOT DO! I’TS MY LIFE; IM FUCKING SEVENTEEN, FOR CHRIST SAKE!
-I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT LANGUAGE UNDER MY ROOF YOU YOUNG LADY! Where did you get your manners from!? I can’t even believe you come from the same family as I do. You are like your mother!
I stood, frozen. My mother. How does she dare insult my mother! Now I was way past angry, way past mad, way past furious. She could tell me I had terrible manners, she could tell me I was a dishonor for her and the family, whatever. But to insult my mother, that was something that I could not and would not tolerate. I stood from the chair, smashing my fists against the table.
-Don’t. You. EVER. Speak. Like. That. About. My. Mom.
There was a brief silence in the room, as if my reaction had staggered them all. A wave of pride went through me thinking that I had won the battle against the wicked witch of the west. But the war had just begun. She stood, firm and authoritarian, with a cold look in her eyes.
-You are just like her; irresponsible, ruthless, absentminded, useless, a coward! You live your life like it was another one of your fantasy books! When will you mature? The more you grow up the more stupid you become! Is it the books, the music? Maybe it’s that friend of yours who is eating up all the little first-class that’s left in you? You used to be a lady, and now look at you. You’re a disgrace for all of us! I don’t even know why I decided to bring you here; you should be in the streets, where you belong! You have no future, no life! You are a shame for all of us! You are worthless, WORTHLESS!
Her words felt like knifes against my skin, like cold hands reaching in my open wounds and ripping them open so they can eat all that’s left of me. I didn’t want to recognize it, I did not want to fall into her trap. But I couldn’t help it. She was right, I was worthless. I had no idea what was going to become of me in the future; I was terrible at science, even worst at maths, I sucked at history and my English teacher (English was the only subject that I was good at) hated me. I was useless in anything related to sports. I couldn’t even hit a ball with a baseball bat. What was I going to do when I grew up? Live in the streets, like Aunt Marie said. Maybe that is where I really belonged; among the rats, among the useless garbage was the place where I fit in.
A sea of ache and misery swelled up in me, wishing to come out from my eyes as raindrops falling from a cloudy winter day. Only this time it wasn’t beautiful relaxing rain, it was a frightening, grief-stricken storm. I can’t help the rain from falling. I collapse in my own black heart already broken and sown back together only to shred it to pieces once again. The more it rains, the more difficult is it to get it back in place, to fit the pieces together. I run, run away from the place where I should’ve never been. Ran to where I really wanted to be, where I really belonged, with whom I felt my home was with.
Opening the door, the sun came to me again, burning my skin and blinding my eyes, not a single cloud in sight. Soon before I close the door, I hear a faint voice come from the kitchen.
-Grab a jacket, miss! It’s going to rain today!
But the maid’s warning came too late. It was already raining inside, raining like never before. I needed shelter, somewhere to hide from the cruel wind and the malicious rain that left me breathless. I needed him. I needed him.
After what seemed like hours of agony, I reached the school and looked around helplessly for Will, but he was not there. I walked to class, maybe he was there? Opening the door, I slipped in and saw him sitting in our usual place, staring out the window. I froze. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him about my nightmares, about the fight I had with Aunt Marie. I wanted to hug him with all my strength, I wanted his comforting arms around me, I wanted his soothing words, his gentle hands, his smile that always seemed to turn the last spark of hope that was left in my soul into a roaring fire. But I couldn’t. I was scared. For the first time in my life, I was scared of opening up to Will. I stood there, looking at him motionless. He looked so perfect, so out of this world. He had this thing about him that made him look like nothing in the world could ever harm him. Next to him, I felt like I was weak, vulnerable. I needed him; I couldn’t stand up for myself.
You are just like her; irresponsible, harsh, absentminded, useless, a coward! Aunt Marie’s words ringed painfully inside my head. I tried with all my strength to push them out of my head and take a step forward and sit next to Will. He was still staring out the window. Was he ok?
-Hi- I said softly.
-Oh, hi- He turned around and flashed his smile towards me. He was looking as good as always, but his smile had a weird crook that made me feel he was hiding something. We kept silent for the rest of the day. I was fighting, fighting to take hold of all the courage that was left in me and tell him all I had to tell him.
We went down to the tree again. I lay in the grass again but Will just sat, his back against the tree and his eyes closed. I sat next to him. He didn’t move. I rested my head on his shoulder. Nothing. Not one movement. I looked up at him. He had a sad look in his eyes, looking off into the distance.
-What’s wrong?- I asked carefully. He said nothing. We kept silent for a minute. Then he breathed deeply and smiled. A soft laugh escaped his lips.
-I’m fine, just thinking- he said.
-C’mon, don’t lie to me. I know something’s wrong. You have been pretty awkward. Something has been bothering you, I can tell. Could you please… just tell me?
He sighted heavily and looked at me. The look in his eyes was heartbreaking. He opened his mouth hesitantly and was about so say something when the bell rang. We had art next, we could be late, and I tried to make him tell me but he just got up and practically ran away.
-Hurry up, we´re late.
-Wait!
I tried to follow but the wound in my lower stomach still hurt so I couldn’t run. I was going to tell him, I was going to tell him everything at the tree, where I could make sure no one overheard, but I couldn’t. Every time I managed to gather the courage to tell him, he looked at me and it all flied away. I lost him. I walked as fast as I could and reached the art room only to see it empty. Oh, yes. We were definitely late... Where was he? I sat in my place.
Ok Des, take a deep breath. You can do this, you know you can. You have to tell him. You have to. Come on, breathe.
I closed my eyes and took a couple very deep breaths. To my surprise, when I opened my eyes, I saw Will sitting in front of me. It all flew away again. Crap, I was not expecting that.
-Are you ok?- he asked me with a weird look on his face.
-Yes, I’m fine- I sighted. This was the worst day ever. It was the first time since we met that we had both been so awkward towards each other. I looked at him. He looked so perfect, like he just stepped out of a fairytale. I imagined him as a Dragon Slayer, or perhaps a Prince of a Fantasy Kingdom far away in another realm, or as a Guardian of some magical legendary object. I saw him as everything but a normal high school student. He was so, so out of this world. And then there was me, who didn’t even have the courage to tell him about a nightmare. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. It was last period already. Another day will fly by without me being able to talk to him. I had promised myself this morning that this was going to be the last day of him not knowing about it, and it’s not going to happen. I should learn to keep my promises…
We were making sculptures in art class. Mine was already made and I only needed to paint it, but Will was falling way behind. He was making a huge one and needed a lot of clay (and time, which he didn’t have a lot of). I sat and started painting mine. Will and I were both silent. Talk! Talk! TALK! My brain said. But I couldn’t. I faugh to release the words that were choking me but they wouldn’t come out. I give up. It’s useless. IM useless…
-Ummm… Des?
Will’s voice makes me snap back from my thoughts.
-Yeah?
-Can u get me the towel up there?- I looked up from my project and saw the table full of ink, as well as Will’s hands, arms, face and a huge blot on his t-shirt. The look on his face reminded me of my little cousin when we caught him eating the whole box of chocolates. It made me giggle.
-Sure
I stood up. The towel was on top of a cabinet right next to our table. It was high and out of my reach. I stood on my toes and reached my arms all I could.
-Gaaaah! I can’t get it!- I said frustrated. I jumped several times and finally got it.
-Aha! I did it! Here- I gave the towel to Will and he got it but he didn’t say a word. He just stared at me with a dark look in his eyes.
-I… is something…-but I couldn’t finish my sentence. He cut me off.
-What is that- his words where heavy and serious, his eyes still dark and emotionless.
-What is what?
-That bandage on your stomach.