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Carrie took me shopping the next day. It wasn't fun at all, and when I refused to have anything that didn't have long sleeves she seemed less than pleased. But I guess she knew that I had gone through enough shit to not be messed with and decided to just let me get what I wanted. I didn't get much, the fear of it being taken back in less than a week looming in my head. When we were leaving the mall she told me that I would start school again in two days, giving me some time to adjust to the new setting that I was in. I should have thanked her for giving me some time, but I didn't say a word.
We went back to my new temporary home, and I showered and changed into some of my new clean clothing, putting the black hoddie over it. I found that I put myself on autopilot, going down the stairs to eat lunch with the rest of my 'family.' Once again Carrie was left to deal with all of the dishes on her own. Well, almost. Jerry and I both stayed down there. It seemed almost like he was staring into me, reading my expression and what I was thinking. I found myself glancing over at him every few seconds to see him still staring at me.
When the table was cleared I sat down across from him, watching as he looked down at his lap.
"Are you going to be like the twins?" He asked with his head down.
I shook my head as he peered up at me, trying to be unnoticed. "What do you mean?"
"The twins don't like us. They treat us poorly." I frowned at him, tilting my head.
"I don't see any reason why I would." I said as I tapped the table twice with three of my fingers. It was a distraction for myself, but I guess he thought it was something for luck, considering the fact that he copied my actions, tapping the table three times with the palm of his hand. I smiled at him. "Do you wanna go to the park?" I asked with a smile. He nodded, giving me a large grin. He was missing a few teeth, but it was probably just his age.
"You have to tell mum." He said and I nodded.
"Don't worry about it." I wrote a note, putting it on the table as he talked about dinosaurs. I got up, sliding on my shoes as he did the same. From what I heard the twins were at a party the other kid on some camping trip. "So why are you not spending time with friends?" I asked as he got his bike out of the garage. I put my hands in my pockets, watching as he came walking up on the small bike. I had never learned how to ride one, and yet here was a kid half my age riding one like it was nothing.
"I don't have any." He muttered. I looked at him and nodded once. The kid seemed surprisingly normal for being a foster fuck. We walked to the same park I had ran into the group from the diner multiple times in before, and he went up to the swings as I looked for a dealer. I found one eventually not that it was all that hard. Dealers were always easy to find and pick out from everyone else. Jerry called me as soon as I had the small bag of green, and I quickly stuffed it in my pocket before I walked over to the little boy on the swings.
"What is it?" I asked as I stood in front of him, giving the best smile I could muster. I wasn't happy at all, if he had seen what I did then he could tell any adult and I would be royally screwed.
"Will you push me?" He asked and I nodded, going behind him to push him. It took a lot of energy that I didn't necessarily have. I couldn't hold any food down, I had a hard time sleeping, and I kept on having waves of nausea wash over me.
I stopped when I felt a tap on my shoulder, looking over to see Jon and Spencer.
"You got out?" Spencer asked as he tilted his head. Jon had his arm wrapped around Spencer's waist, the two looking at me and the kid probably wondering that the hell I was doing.
"Yeah." I shifted from one foot to another and Spencer smiled, hugging me.
"I'm glad you're okay." I wasn't even close to being okay, but I wasn't going to tell Spencer that he was wrong.
"Do you know where you're going to go to school?" Jon asked as he gave a kind smile. I shook my head no, not really wanting to talk.
"Brendon?" Jerry was hiding behind me, tugging on my sleeve. I guess he was just scared of the two people I was talking to that he didn't know.
"Uh...This is my foster brother." I looked down at Jerry who had big scared eyes, before looking back over at Jon and Spencer.
"What's your name?" Spencer said as he keeled down to the kids height. He just buried his face in my leg and I found myself sighing.
"His name's Jerry." I looked back at the little kid. "Do you wanna meet my friends Spencer and Jon?" I asked as I patted his head, not sure what to do with a terrified kid.
"Their your friends?" He mumbled into my leg.
"Yup. And their really nice." His face moved away from my leg, looking up with big eyes at Spencer and Jon.
"Hi." Spencer said with a kind smile. Jerry nodded and then tugged on my sleeve again. I bent down, allowing him to whisper in my ear.
"I wanna go home." I nodded, picking him up along with his bike.
"We uh...have to go. I guess...I guess I'll see you guys around?" I asked as the little boy clung to me, his arms around my neck with his legs around my waist. Spencer nodded, the two still smiling at me.
"Yeah. Good luck in your new foster home Brenny." Spencer said with a smile.
"It was nice seeing you Brendon."Jon said as the two started to walk away, joking and laughing at each other. I felt the smile on my face drop, carrying the little boy home while dragging the bike. I put the kid down when we got back to the house, putting the bike up in it's respected place before locking myself in my new found room. I didn't want to do much of anything.
I wanted to feel weightless.
The plastic bag was being pulled out of my pocket, a joint being lit before I could register what I was doing. I was on the floor, my back against the wall in a corner. I leaned against the other wall on my left side, using my right hand to smoke. I found myself thinking of my family, trying to remember their names, their faces.
It was all blank. I couldn't remember if my mother had brown hair or red, I couldn't think if my sister was short or tall, if my father had facial hair, or no hair at all. It was all just empty space rattling around in my mind.
I wanted to scream. To remember. To feel while at the same time be numb. I just wanted a normal life. Or at least to be a little less fucked up. I found myself crying, my head in my hands as my legs pulled up to my chest. I rocked back in forth, trying to beat the wave of dizziness and nausea that washed over me again and again.
I finished the joint, seeing something out of the corner of my eye.
Spiders. They were everywhere. Attacking the walls and ceiling. They covered the bed and then covered my flesh. I looked at them, feeling utterly speechless as I tried to remind myself that it was nothing. That they didn't exist.
It took a while, but I manged to calm myself down taking one shaky breath at a time.
There was a knock at the door and I stood on two shaky legs, making sure that there wasn't any traces of what I had been doing apparent in my face. It was the mother like figure that walked around the house. She looked at me with a sad grin.
"You have a therapist appointment tomorrow." She said I nodded. Was that really the only reason why she wanted to talk? "Are you coming to dinner?" I shook my head.
"I don't really feel all too well. I think I'm just going to rest." She nodded a concerned look on her face.
"Okay. If you get hungry just call for me, okay?" I nodded and she started to walk away. I closed the door, sliding down it.
I wish that when I said I was feeling sick that I wasn't lying.
I wish that I could remember their faces.
Why was it that I could see a boy I had only talked to a few times face crystal clear when I couldn't even remember what my family looked like? I started to cry again, the sobs shaking my whole body as I tried to keep myself under control. It was useless. I was useless.
I stopped crying after what was probably over an hour, but I never was one to keep track of time. I got up from my spot on the floor, my whole body aching and screaming. I changed into something to sleep in, collapsing onto the bed that was provided for me.
I wanted to see him again. It was weird, but he seemed to be the only thing I could think about. And I thought about him at least once every hour.
Sniffling, I buried my face into the pillow, wishing that it smelled like sugar and vanilla cigarettes.

~~~~~

I suck at updating this story, don't I? It's the same thing every week, (or rather week and a half) I update and everyone tells me how much they want the next chapter, and then it takes me forever to get it out and even then most of the time the chapter doesn't seem all that good.
Please don't try and kill me, I just have a hard time writing this story without inspiration, and I just haven't had very much recently. At least for this story. I have so many other ideas that float around in my head, and I know that I shouldn't make them into stories based on how many I already have active.
I really need to just finish a few here and there before I make another one. Again.
Sorry for the delay, and thanks to PartyPoison, patdfan, AnotherKnifeInMyHand, LePanicFan, and Katrina_Adams for reviewing last chapter. I would thank you all individually with special responses but it's really late and I still have a lot of stuff I have to do.
I'm not sure when the next update will be either. I'm having some money troubles, and it's just....not good. At all. So I'll update as much as I can on all of my stories and whatnot, but it might be delayed a lot more than it already has been.
Again, I'm extremely sorry for the delay.
-xoxo Pansy.