Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Life Is Full of False Hopes


by Wicked_Lovely 5 reviews

At least I had something to look forward to everyday.

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres: Angst,Drama - Published: 2011-08-10 - Updated: 2011-08-10 - 2493 words

I put the stopper in the bottom of the sink, turning on the tap to full blast. I looked over at the door to make sure that it was locked before pulling the small razor out of my pocket. I placed it on the counter, looking at the water in the sink. I turned the tap off, allowing my face to be buried in the cooling water. I closed my eyes, reminding myself not to breathe. It didn't take long for the drowning sensation I was waiting for to overtake me. I pulled my head out, my hair dripping with the water as I took a few seconds to breathe.
I can't remember what urged me to do it, all I can remember was wanting to feel like I was on the edge of death. To have the feeling that the life was going to slip away in only a matter of seconds. I had waited for everyone to go to bed to do it. If I was caught then I would be doomed to deal with therapy every night, which is not something that sounded like fun. I took a sharp breath, allowing my face to break the surface of the water once more. I kept my head under longer than the last one, counting the seconds as I gasped for air, allowing water to fill my lungs.
I lifted my head when I couldn't take it anymore, avoiding my face in the mirror as I looked at the counter. The shiny metal of the razor shined. I ignored it, looking back at the water for a few moments. Water ran off of my hair, splashing in it to make a rippled effect. I sighed, allowing my face to dip in the water once again.
The thought of what was going to have to happen later didn't seem to make me feel any better. Everything blurred together as I coughed into the water, gasping for the air that wasn't present. I lifted my head, stumbling back into the wall behind me. My vision slightly spotted. I slid down the wall, the tiled floor slanting slightly while the walls seemed to twist and turn. I closed my eyes, breathing heavily. There was a soft knock on the door.
"Are you okay?" There was the sound of a voice echoed from the other side of the door.
"I'm fine, just tripped over the rug." I muttered.
"Oh, okay. Be careful Brendon." I heard foot steps, slowly getting softer and softer until I could no longer hear them.
I sighed, resting my head against the wall. "It's impossible to suffocate yourself." I whispered with a small nod. I stood, draining the water in the sink. I dried my face with a clean towel, turning off the light. I stood there for a few moments, thinking. The thought of going to a completely new school yet again floated through my mind and my stomach churned. I put a hand on it for a few seconds, my mind stuck on the subject.
Bile started to rise in my throat and I quickly ran over to the toilet, allowing the little contents to flow out of my mouth. It just made me sicker. I sat down on the floor, kneeling over the bowl as I continued to heave when there was nothing to come up.
I leaned back against the wall, pulling my legs up to my chest as I tried to regain my breath. I tried to remember my family's names, their faces, what my mum's voice sounded like, what type of movies my sister loved, what my father used to collect.. It was all lost. Everything that was supposed to be important just seemed to vanish from my memory.
And then there was the crash.
Fire, broken glass, zero clouds in the sky. Why is it that in movies when they always portray a sad scene they add rain, but in real life it never happens? It was such a beautiful night. People aren't supposed to die on beautiful nights. I took in a shaky breath, standing slowly.
I picked the razor up, opening the door. The house was still silent, every room staying in the dark. I walked silently across the hall and to my room, putting my hand on the small handle.
"Brendon?" I looked down at the small boy and gave him a small smile.
"Hey kid, what's wrong?" Jerry hugged me, mumbling into my leg.
"I had a bad dream." I sighed, picking him up.
"All right, let's go get you some warm milk." I carried him downstairs, trying to not trip or fall. I set the little boy down on the kitchen counter, turning on one of the lights.
"Brendon?" I looked over at him before digging in the fridge for some milk.
"What is it kiddo?"
"Do you ever have nightmares about your real family?" I stopped searching for a few seconds, staring blankly into the fridge as I thought. I shook my head, pulling out the milk.
"Of course I do." I got out a glass, filling it so it was half empty. I walked over to the microwave, putting the glass in it before punching in a random number and pressing start.
"What happened to your family?"
"They were killed in a car crash." I pulled the glass of milk out of the fridge, placing it on the counter next to him.
He looked somewhat scared, speaking almost silently. "We're you in the car with them?"
"No. I was standing about a parking lot away."
"You saw your family....die?" I gave him a small sad smile, nodding once.
"What about you?" He picked up the glass in his tiny hands, taking a sip of it. A trail of the milk ran down his chin before he put it back down.
"My mom kept spraying holy water at me. I don't know why they took me away from her, she just wanted me to not be possessed anymore." I stayed silent, allowing the words to sink in. There must have been something mentally wrong with his mother, but it could have been anything. He finished off his milk, the glass now standing alone and empty.
"Is this the first home they put you in?" He nodded yes. I gave him a small smile, picking him up once more.
"Then you're lucky. This is a great house for a first time foster kid." I carried him up the steps once more, putting him down in front of his room. He stood there for a moment, staring at the door. And then he turned and looked at me, giving me a scared frown.
"Can I sleep with you tonight." I nodded, opening the door to my room. He walked in, looking around. "You're room doesn't have any dinosaurs." I gave him a small smile.
"Then maybe you should go get one of yours." He nodded, rushing off to his room before coming back holding a small green dinosaur and a large blue dinosaur stuffed animal.
"This is for you." He handed me the small green dinosaur stuffed animal, about the size of a small plush key-chain. He ran over to the bed, jumping on it. I stared at the small plush in my hands before putting it down on my desk next to the pocket-watch my sister had given me. He patted the side of the bed next to him and I nodded, staying next to him. He hugged me, his stuffed dino on my stomach.
"You're the best big brother ever." I closed my eyes, wishing he hadn't said those words. Now it'll be all that much harder for him when I leave.
I never fell asleep, waiting until the sun was up to get up and dressed. I wasn't excited about the day, but I never was. There was a knock at the door, the mother like figure attempting to wake me up. Jerry climbed out of bed, giving me a hug before walking out of my room to go back to his. I grabbed my school bag, putting my pocket watch in my left pocket. I took a few seconds to stare at the small dinosaur that was left on the desk before picking it up and hooking it to my bag. I made my way downstairs, sitting at the table while ignoring the food. I wasn't hungry, and I probably wouldn't be for a while.
I watched as everyone munched on their food in silence. The father left, taking the twins with him. And then it was the four of us. Carrie said that she would take the other two boys to school, but that I would have to walk. Like it mattered for some odd reason. The three of them left and I was left sitting alone at the table. I let my head fall on the wood, closing my eyes for a few short seconds. I dragged my body up, knowing that I was wasting time that I didn't really have. I forced myself to walk over to the door, slipping on shoes before walking out.
The walk to school was uneventful. School had apparently already started, everyone in the building in their respected rooms. I walked through the doors, out of the heat and into air conditioning. The school looked like every other public school. Cheap floors with brick walls, cork boards with events for later that year posted up and down the long halls. I walked up to a wooden door, walking in to what I assumed to be the office. There was a happy woman, asking if I was who I was. I said yes, having her give me my books and papers. I wandered around the building, eventually finding my first hour in a hall with the same wooden doors as the ones at the office. I did the normal routine, giving the man at the desk my schedule in return for a seat. It was the middle of the very last row on the left, only one person sitting in front of me, the desk behind me empty. I scanned the room for familiar faces, sighing when there was nothing.
The day went slowly, the minutes inching by to make hours. After my first two classes I had a headache from the florescent bulbs, the kids all running into me, pushing me against lockers and to the ground. But that was something I was used to. Third hour was just as lonely as the first two, and I found it hard to not take a nap on my desk like the kid next to me.
Fourth hour was a lot like the first two. No familiar faces, and no interesting topics. I found myself staring off into space the majority of the time, picturing all of the different things I could be doing. Fifth hour had Spencer, a classmate that manged to get both of us detention within the first five minutes. After that was lunch, spent outdoors under the old oak tree.
We walked up to the group, Jack being the one who happened to be talking. "Okay, here's the quote. "And if we seem nutty to you and if we seem like an odd ball to you, just remember one thing. The mighty oak tree was once just a nut like me."" Jon and Ryan sat under the shade of the tree, Jack sitting out in the sun. I watched as Spencer sat down next to Jon, the group all looking at me as I shifted uncomfortably. They weren't all looking at me. The one I knew was Ryan was reading a book, his head in the clouds.
Spencer patted the seat next to him and I sat down where he wanted me to. I listened to them talk, watching every little movement Ryan made.
"It isn't a belief, you can only believe in something if there's a chance that it's false. I know that this is true." Spencer rambled.
"But even if a belief has a chance at being false, doesn't make it wrong." Jon tried to reason. Ryan turned a page in his book.
"Believing in something is the same as having faith in it." Jack said as he agreed with Spencer.
"And neither of them are right." Ryan mumbled as he continued to read from his book. Everyone else seemed to ignore him.
"If that's true than that makes the whole 'Seeing is believing' phrase ridiculous." Jon said.
"That's the point." Spencer said with a small laugh. "You look cute when you're confused." Lunch ended and we all headed back to class. This time, I could hear Ryan's voice crystal clear in my mind.
Sixth hour had no one that I knew, the time spent the same as most of the other hours. And then there was seventh hour. Ryan was seated at the back of the class, scrawling in a small leather-bound notebook with a black pen. I was seated two spots away from him, making it impossible to listen to what the teacher had chose to drone on about. I could tell I wasn't the only one by the bored looks on the other kids faces. Ryan spent the whole hour with his head in his notebook.
The day ended, and I found myself giving a soft sigh. At least I had something to look forward to everyday.


This is a lot shorter than what I wanted it to be, but I'll make up for it eventually. Promise.

AnotherKnifeinMyHand:I think all of my readers have to wait, because if they don't then they'll never know when there's a new update, and it does take me a while to get inspiration to write certain chapters. Like, I know where this story is going, it's just the path to getting it where I want it to go is a completely different thing. And we were all missing Jon and Spencer, their just to amazing not to miss.

marissasorrentino:He's like the little brother that everyone wants.

PartyPoison:It took a while, but I'm updating this story. I definitely don't want to stop writing it, I'll probably just have longer spans between updates. Hopefully it'll be worth it.
And you know what, I've decided that good-er is now a word. Because you made it up, and that automatically makes it a word.

LePanicFan:Yay, I'm not getting killed today. You know, I was checking my list of things to do and dying wasn't on it, so I'm glad we could avoid it. :)
Personally, I don't like little kids all that much. Their so freaking needy all the time. But for the sake of the story, I'll try and make a cute little kid brother for Brendon.
And I did let Ryan come back, but you have to remember that there will still be a lot of time before the two get together.

-xoxo Pansy.
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