Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Helena
My dreams were peaceful, filled with the memories of playing on stage with my brothers. Because that’s how I consider them, the brothers I never had, and of course, the love of my life, death and afterlife and anything beyond that.
“Frankie?” A large hand shook my shoulder awake and I blinked my eyes open, frowning a little as I took my surroundings, the sofa of Bob and Ray’s flat.
“Ugh.” I moan, sitting up and holding my head in my hands, memories of yesterday flooding to my mind too quickly for comfort.
“Hey man.” Ray said, smiling at me sympathetically.
“Hey.” I grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
“You’ve been out for hours, Bob had to carry you into the flat.” Ray chuckled a little, his eyes still concerned.
“Yesterday really happened, didn’t it?” I whisper, my voice cracking a little as I tried to fight the tears. How the hell can I cry so easily? I know, Gerard’s all burnt up and that’s my fault and he has cancer. That’s how.
“Yeah…yeah it did.”
“Oh, God.” I moan, slumping back into the soft couch.
“It’s going to be okay. Do you want some breakfast?” He asked. I shook my head, not knowing if I could stomach anything at all right then.
“I’m going to see Gerard.” I stand up and stretch, wandering into the bathroom and splashing cold water on my face and a toothbrush in my mouth.
“Do you want me to drive you?” He asked, leaning against the door frame.
“Nah, I’ll walk. It’s not that far.”
“Four and a half miles, Frank? Really?” He raised his eyebrows sarcastically as I watched him through the mirror.
I spat my toothpaste into the sink and grabbed an eyeliner pencil, applying it to my lower lids, “I need to clear my head, it’ll do me good. I have my phone.” I pushed past him out of the bathroom and toward the door of the flat.
“Aren’t you even going to change your clothes?”
“Nah, I don’t smell too bad.” I muttered, closing the door behind me and jogging down the stairs.
The walk to the hospital was peaceful, no screaming fans, no horrid people screaming things, it was just quietness. Birds flying overhead and the cold, harsh breeze rustling the leaves and sending shivers down my spine and displaying them on my bare arms.
The hospital came into sight much too soon, the grimy outer walls holding in the blinding whiteness that is meant to make people feel better. It never makes me feel better, it makes me sick to the gut, it’s too pure and too clean. It makes me feel like I’m staining it just because I’m walking the corridors.
I have to do this though. For Gerard. He’s in there and he’s about to go through chemotherapy for the first time. He’s probably scared and alone and needing me. I take in a deep breath and exhale, pushing open the hospital doors and walking to Gerard’s room on the top floor. I saw to nurses wheeling a very scared and tired looking Gee out of his hospital room.
“Gee!” I shout, running over to him and relishing in the look of monumental relief and happiness on his face as he squeezed me into a tight hug. At least he’s still got his strength, most of it, anyway.
“Frankie, I thought you weren’t going to come.” He whispered as I crouched down to hug him better.
“Hey, you know I’ll always be here for you.” I press a soft kiss to his forehead and stand up.
“We’re about to take him into chemo, would you like to come with him?” A smiling, round faced nurse asked as I stood, holding onto Gerard’s fingers.
“Yes please.” I smile gratefully at her as we walk into the room. Cold white like the rest.
The room had three comfy chairs and one machine in it.
“Do you want us to lift Gerard into the chair or would you rather?” The other, slightly less rotund nurse asked.
“I am in the room and I can stand, you know.” He grumbled, pushing himself out of his chair and onto his feet where he wobbled before falling straight into my arms.
“Whoa! Baby steps, Gee, baby steps.” I place him in the chair as he chews on his lip. This is worse than I thought, the poor man can’t even stand. I sat into the chair next to Gerard as the nurses brought out needles and tubes and started to set up the machine.
“You okay?” I asked, taking his soft hand in my calloused one as he lifted his head up from the spot on the floor he’d been staring at so intensely.
“I can’t even stand, Frankie. My burns all hurt and my lungs have an awful ache in them.” He whimpered, eyeing the needles nervously from the corner of his eye.
“You’re going to be okay, Gee. I just know it.” I give him a soft kiss on the lips before the nurse coughs awkwardly.
“This will just sting a little.” She mumbles as they push several needles into Gerard’s already battered skin. He whimpers and grips my hand tighter, burying his head in the crook of my neck.
“Okay, we’re just going to start the machine. You know all the side effects and are happy to go through with the procedure, correct?” The thinner nurse asked.
“I signed the form didn’t I? Of course I’m okay with it.” He says, looking at the needles piercing his flesh with pure phobia fuelled hatred.
The chemo therapy lasted around four hours, all the time Gerard was in immense pain, I could tell by the way he bit his lip and squirmed. Having that many drugs pumped into you in multiple places has to be painful. I just held his hand and told him it was going to be over soon, and that everything would be okay. The only thing is, I’m not so sure that it will be any more.
“Frankie, you okay? You just spaced out for like, ten minutes.” Gerard murmured sleepily, fighting to keep his eyelids open as I sit beside the hospital bed he’s been returned to.
“Yeah. You better get some rest, do you want me to stay?” I asked and he shook his head.
“No, go home and be with everyone. Do something useful and don’t mope around. Clean, cook, write, read, play guitar or whatever. In a few days the burns will be healed enough for me to come home. I’ll have medication and chemo three times a week.” He mumbled, I couldn’t help but smile.
“Really!?” I asked hopefully and he nodded.
“Get some rest, Frankie, I love you.” He whispered as he drifted off.
“I love you too.” I smiled and kiss his hair before walking out of the room, closing the door quietly behind me.
My phone started to buzz in my pocket and I slid it out and answered.
“Frank! Thank God, we’ve been calling you for hours! Are you okay? Is Gerard okay? What’s going on?!” Mikey hollered into the phone.
“I’m fine Mikes, and so is Gerard. He’ll be out of hospital in a few days too, I’ve spent all day with him.” I say, a smile spreading on my face as I pad down the road again. The four and a half miles seeming closer than it was this morning.
“OH MY GOD! THAT’S GREAT!” He yelled, squealing like he’s found the unicorns and hurting my ear.
“I know! I’m just walking home now.” I told him.
“Okay, bye.” He said and hung up. Rain starts to patter on the ground and I sigh. I’m wearing thin, ripped and burned skinny jeans and a thin T-shirt. Whoopey flipping doo.
Long time no see, huh? I kind of need you guys help...I think there's something wrong with me but i'm not sure what, basically...
1. I have patronizing voices in my head.
2. I only have two moods now, suicidal and mania, and they can last from days to months.
3. I can't sleep.
4. I can't eat.
What's wrong with me? I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified and my parents won't listen. I don't know what this is but it's scaring me. =/
Please rate and review and I'll try to update as soon as I can, and I know I always say that and I really try my best but...things haven't been top dog for me lately, my nan has cancer, my grans dead, my dad has severe depression, my mum found out that I'm bi, the end of the year has come up quickly with exams etc and I've started doing something again that I promised I wouldn;t do.
So yeah, please R&R, I want to know what you think and if I should carry on.
Jackie
xxx
“Frankie?” A large hand shook my shoulder awake and I blinked my eyes open, frowning a little as I took my surroundings, the sofa of Bob and Ray’s flat.
“Ugh.” I moan, sitting up and holding my head in my hands, memories of yesterday flooding to my mind too quickly for comfort.
“Hey man.” Ray said, smiling at me sympathetically.
“Hey.” I grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
“You’ve been out for hours, Bob had to carry you into the flat.” Ray chuckled a little, his eyes still concerned.
“Yesterday really happened, didn’t it?” I whisper, my voice cracking a little as I tried to fight the tears. How the hell can I cry so easily? I know, Gerard’s all burnt up and that’s my fault and he has cancer. That’s how.
“Yeah…yeah it did.”
“Oh, God.” I moan, slumping back into the soft couch.
“It’s going to be okay. Do you want some breakfast?” He asked. I shook my head, not knowing if I could stomach anything at all right then.
“I’m going to see Gerard.” I stand up and stretch, wandering into the bathroom and splashing cold water on my face and a toothbrush in my mouth.
“Do you want me to drive you?” He asked, leaning against the door frame.
“Nah, I’ll walk. It’s not that far.”
“Four and a half miles, Frank? Really?” He raised his eyebrows sarcastically as I watched him through the mirror.
I spat my toothpaste into the sink and grabbed an eyeliner pencil, applying it to my lower lids, “I need to clear my head, it’ll do me good. I have my phone.” I pushed past him out of the bathroom and toward the door of the flat.
“Aren’t you even going to change your clothes?”
“Nah, I don’t smell too bad.” I muttered, closing the door behind me and jogging down the stairs.
The walk to the hospital was peaceful, no screaming fans, no horrid people screaming things, it was just quietness. Birds flying overhead and the cold, harsh breeze rustling the leaves and sending shivers down my spine and displaying them on my bare arms.
The hospital came into sight much too soon, the grimy outer walls holding in the blinding whiteness that is meant to make people feel better. It never makes me feel better, it makes me sick to the gut, it’s too pure and too clean. It makes me feel like I’m staining it just because I’m walking the corridors.
I have to do this though. For Gerard. He’s in there and he’s about to go through chemotherapy for the first time. He’s probably scared and alone and needing me. I take in a deep breath and exhale, pushing open the hospital doors and walking to Gerard’s room on the top floor. I saw to nurses wheeling a very scared and tired looking Gee out of his hospital room.
“Gee!” I shout, running over to him and relishing in the look of monumental relief and happiness on his face as he squeezed me into a tight hug. At least he’s still got his strength, most of it, anyway.
“Frankie, I thought you weren’t going to come.” He whispered as I crouched down to hug him better.
“Hey, you know I’ll always be here for you.” I press a soft kiss to his forehead and stand up.
“We’re about to take him into chemo, would you like to come with him?” A smiling, round faced nurse asked as I stood, holding onto Gerard’s fingers.
“Yes please.” I smile gratefully at her as we walk into the room. Cold white like the rest.
The room had three comfy chairs and one machine in it.
“Do you want us to lift Gerard into the chair or would you rather?” The other, slightly less rotund nurse asked.
“I am in the room and I can stand, you know.” He grumbled, pushing himself out of his chair and onto his feet where he wobbled before falling straight into my arms.
“Whoa! Baby steps, Gee, baby steps.” I place him in the chair as he chews on his lip. This is worse than I thought, the poor man can’t even stand. I sat into the chair next to Gerard as the nurses brought out needles and tubes and started to set up the machine.
“You okay?” I asked, taking his soft hand in my calloused one as he lifted his head up from the spot on the floor he’d been staring at so intensely.
“I can’t even stand, Frankie. My burns all hurt and my lungs have an awful ache in them.” He whimpered, eyeing the needles nervously from the corner of his eye.
“You’re going to be okay, Gee. I just know it.” I give him a soft kiss on the lips before the nurse coughs awkwardly.
“This will just sting a little.” She mumbles as they push several needles into Gerard’s already battered skin. He whimpers and grips my hand tighter, burying his head in the crook of my neck.
“Okay, we’re just going to start the machine. You know all the side effects and are happy to go through with the procedure, correct?” The thinner nurse asked.
“I signed the form didn’t I? Of course I’m okay with it.” He says, looking at the needles piercing his flesh with pure phobia fuelled hatred.
The chemo therapy lasted around four hours, all the time Gerard was in immense pain, I could tell by the way he bit his lip and squirmed. Having that many drugs pumped into you in multiple places has to be painful. I just held his hand and told him it was going to be over soon, and that everything would be okay. The only thing is, I’m not so sure that it will be any more.
“Frankie, you okay? You just spaced out for like, ten minutes.” Gerard murmured sleepily, fighting to keep his eyelids open as I sit beside the hospital bed he’s been returned to.
“Yeah. You better get some rest, do you want me to stay?” I asked and he shook his head.
“No, go home and be with everyone. Do something useful and don’t mope around. Clean, cook, write, read, play guitar or whatever. In a few days the burns will be healed enough for me to come home. I’ll have medication and chemo three times a week.” He mumbled, I couldn’t help but smile.
“Really!?” I asked hopefully and he nodded.
“Get some rest, Frankie, I love you.” He whispered as he drifted off.
“I love you too.” I smiled and kiss his hair before walking out of the room, closing the door quietly behind me.
My phone started to buzz in my pocket and I slid it out and answered.
“Frank! Thank God, we’ve been calling you for hours! Are you okay? Is Gerard okay? What’s going on?!” Mikey hollered into the phone.
“I’m fine Mikes, and so is Gerard. He’ll be out of hospital in a few days too, I’ve spent all day with him.” I say, a smile spreading on my face as I pad down the road again. The four and a half miles seeming closer than it was this morning.
“OH MY GOD! THAT’S GREAT!” He yelled, squealing like he’s found the unicorns and hurting my ear.
“I know! I’m just walking home now.” I told him.
“Okay, bye.” He said and hung up. Rain starts to patter on the ground and I sigh. I’m wearing thin, ripped and burned skinny jeans and a thin T-shirt. Whoopey flipping doo.
Long time no see, huh? I kind of need you guys help...I think there's something wrong with me but i'm not sure what, basically...
1. I have patronizing voices in my head.
2. I only have two moods now, suicidal and mania, and they can last from days to months.
3. I can't sleep.
4. I can't eat.
What's wrong with me? I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified and my parents won't listen. I don't know what this is but it's scaring me. =/
Please rate and review and I'll try to update as soon as I can, and I know I always say that and I really try my best but...things haven't been top dog for me lately, my nan has cancer, my grans dead, my dad has severe depression, my mum found out that I'm bi, the end of the year has come up quickly with exams etc and I've started doing something again that I promised I wouldn;t do.
So yeah, please R&R, I want to know what you think and if I should carry on.
Jackie
xxx
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