FicWad

Chapter 6: Risky business

It seemed like everything was getting better. Mikey was stressing about the tour and whether Gerard would be in shape to go, so he didn’t have as much time to worry about me. That meant I had more time to myself and my new ‘hobby’.

Since I first went to Blake’s house to... well, get help, I’ve visited him more. He’s gotten used to having me around and I wasn’t really scared of him anymore.

Because of Blake and the stuff he provided me, other aspects of my life have gotten better and easier to deal with.

School was easy because I didn’t stress about it so much. Sure, my grades weren’t exactly better, but at least I paid attention in class and didn’t fall asleep constantly. So the school nurse wasn’t on my back all the time anymore.

I could sleep again. It was like the nightmares I used to have were just a bad memory, something from the past that I didn’t have to think about anymore.

And last but not least, the thing with dad. I stopped worrying. He was a big boy, he could deal with his own problems. He didn’t need me to look after him. I had come to the terms with the fact that he and I lived separate lives and that even though he was biologically my father, he had never acted like one. It was like I was the parent.

But it was time to let go. I had never interfered with what he did, but now he was even freer to do whatever he wanted to do. And boy, I bet he was happy.

All in all, life was great. And I was almost even happy.

Yeah. Almost. I was bound to get caught someday, and that was what I feared. The mere thought terrified me. And yet, I couldn’t stop. I made myself believe that if and when I get caught, people will understand for sure. It is what helped me, after all. They all liked the change and I knew they didn’t want me to go back to who I was before.

The downhill started when I was visiting Blake for the sixth time. I could only go about once a week, because otherwise Mikey would suspect something. When I spent the night, I would tell Mikey that I was sleeping over at a friend’s house. He believed me because I was acting a lot happier now a days, and as he told me, he just wanted me to be happy. And since my happiness gave him peace, I did my best to act all happy and normal around him. At times I didn’t even have to fake it.

I was sitting in Blake’s kitchen. I hadn’t taken anything yet, Blake wasn’t home, and I was pretty bored.

There was another person in the kitchen, sitting on the other side of the table. He was passed out, a puddle of drool forming on the table next to his head. He looked and smelled like he hadn’t showered in days and his eyes, which were slightly parted, were clearly red and the skin around them was slightly purple and wrinkled, even though he couldn’t have been older than 25.

I was disgusted. This was a person with no self control. It didn’t even occur to me that my own father was the same way.

I stopped forgot about the guy in front of me when I heard the front door open. I was about to stand up and go greet Blake when I heard him talking to someone.

“You know, I actually got some a few days ago but there’s not so much, so the prize is a little high”, I heard him say loudly. It seemed odd to me, why did he speak in such a loud voice? Usually the house was deadly quiet.

“I don’t care”, I heard the other person say, and suddenly everything made sense. Dad. That’s why Blake was talking loud, he knew that I was here and that I didn’t want my dad to know about all this.

I stood up quickly and ran out through the class doors that led to the backyard. Before I ran away though, I hid behind a window, just so I could see but they couldn’t see me. I saw Blake lead my dad into the kitchen and open one of the cupboards while my dad sat down where I had just previously sat.

I cursed under my breath when I saw that I had left my school bag by the counters. I prayed to god that dad didn’t know what my school bag looked like.

Thank god, Blake noticed it before dad did and as if it was nothing, he took off his coat and threw it on the bag. That wasn’t odd at all; Blake wasn’t exactly a neat freak.

The windows blocked out most of their conversation, but I could hear some bits. Nothing important. I was more interested in watching my dad.

He had gone from looking slightly pale to totally resembling a zombie. What happened to him? His hands were on the table and it was like it was a struggle for him to keep them from shaking like crazy.

When Blake couldn’t find what whatever he was looking for in the cupboard, he left the room. My dad sat there silently for a moment before he started to look through his pockets for a cigarette. He did find one, but his lighter didn’t work.

So, to my horror, he went to Blake’s jacket to borrow his lighter. I held my breath when he reached for the jacket and searched the pockets.

It seemed like he wouldn’t notice my bag on the floor, but of course he did. Just my luck. When he had lift Blake’s jacket, he had knocked over my bag which was open, and some of the stuff fell out to the floor. He knelt down on the floor to put back the stuff into the bag, but then he found my keys.

Now, this might not seem like a lot, but it is extremely important to me. When I was five, my dad took me to McDonalds to eat. There were those automats where you get gum or some small toy from if you put in a coin.

I begged and begged for my dad for a coin so I could get the toy I wanted. He told me that I wouldn’t get the toy I wanted to anyway, but he still gave me a coin. And he was right, I didn’t get the toy I wanted to, but instead I got a keychain. It was a pink monkey. I was sad at first, but then my dad told me that I should be happy with what I have. So I did my best to be happy.

And yeah, I still have that keychain. I know he remembers it too because when he discovered my keys, he stared at that one particular keychain until Blake came back to the room.

That’s all I saw, because then I decided it best to flee. I ran away, all the way back to Mikey’s. When I got there I was out of breath and I could’ve sworn my heart was about to jump right through my chest, but I didn’t stop running until I got to my room. Luckily I didn’t run into Alicia or Mikey so they couldn’t ask what was wrong.

All I could hope for is that dad didn’t care enough, or that this was all a dream. I stayed up in my room, my heart pounding up in my throat and I tried to hear every word and every creek that came from downstairs.

Well, it did seem like dad didn’t care. Four hours had passed and he still hadn’t shown up. I was just happy. If dad had come here, Mikey would’ve found out, and Mikey was just... He would have to do something about it. I mean I love my uncle to death but he just couldn’t let go.

Currently I was in my room, doing my homework and ignoring the rest of the world. Alicia had gone out with her friend and Mikey was downstairs with the rest of the band, minus my dad. They had a meeting of some sort so Mikey had politely told me that it was private. I promised not to bother them.

But then there was a knock on my door. Mikey peeked in after I said come in. “Uh, Gerard’s here. He says he wants to talk to you about something.”

My heart started to beat faster from being so scared. “Really? Well... Let him in.”

Mikey nodded. “Okay, I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” He left, and moments later my dad was standing by the open door.

“Um… Do you wanna sit down?” I asked him and sat up on my bed, closing the history book. Dad looked a bit awkward when he walked into the room and sat down on the chair by the desk. I couldn’t help but notice that he had brought my school bag. I was kind of happy about that because I’d need some of the books tomorrow.

“I found your bag”, was the first thing he said.

I didn’t answer. I had no idea what to say or what kind of mood he was in. Was he mad? He didn’t seem like it, but then again, I usually couldn’t tell what he was feeling. He was like me, expert at hiding stuff.

“Do you know where I found it?”

I looked down at the bed covers and started to play with a loose thread. I still didn’t say anything.

“Blake told me everything”, he said. Judging by his tone I would’ve guessed that he was talking about the weather with a complete stranger. “Why’d you do it?”

This made me look up into his eyes. He was staring right back at me.

“Why do you do it?” Before he could answer, I continued. “Before you start telling me not to do that stuff, you shouldn’t be doing it either. It’s not very convincing, you know.”

He didn’t answer, but now his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He wasn’t angry. He was ashamed. But I wasn’t about to let him get off easy. “You can’t tell me what to do. I was perfectly fine with the way things were but now that I’m here, I see that things weren’t okay. My life is such a mess and you’re the one to blame. You and mom.”

I knew I had been harsh. My dad knew that what he did was wrong, but he did his best so he wouldn’t have to face the reality and think about stuff. Now he was forced to.

I had thought I could never hate my dad, I loved him too much. But right now I wasn’t so sure.

“I know”, he admitted, got up from the chair and left my room, closing the door.

Now there were only two options. Either he would get off of his butt and do something to get clean, or he would only dive in deeper into his own drugged up world.

I have to say, the latter option seemed more likely, given the history of his decisions.