FicWad

Chapter 7: Which Way?

As time passed, it started to seem more and more like my dad had completely given up. I had expected to hear from him at least from Blake, but neither he nor Mikey had any news about my dad. I couldn’t help but wonder where he had gone. I suspected he had gone to find another junkie or left the city even, because Mikey had gone to his house and found out from the neighbors that dad hadn’t been home for at least a week.

The possibility of suicide also crossed my mind, but I forced myself not to think about it. Because when I did think about it, the more likely it started to seem.

I continued to act happy, for the sake of my uncle and his girlfriend who both seemed to care, for whatever reason.

“Gia”, Mikey said to me, appearing at the doorway to my room. He was already putting on his coat and was all ready to go. “Are you ready?”

“In a minute, I just have to go to the bathroom first”, I told him.

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car.”

Mikey always drove me to school if he wasn’t busy with something else, and this morning we were running late. I had gotten the first period off because the school nurse wanted to see me. So it didn’t really matter if I was a little late.

I went to the bathroom, locked the door and opened my school bag. You see, I had to be clever if I wanted to continue what I did without Mikey knowing about it. I had made an ‘invisible’ pocket into the interior of my bag, so unless you knew it was there, you couldn’t see it. And that’s where I kept those small white pills that I had grown to love so much. I hated the fact that I needed them, but they brought me such relief and removed all the anxiety, that I felt dependent on them.

I took out two pills and took them with water. When I looked into the mirror, I smiled at my reflection, but I wiped that smile off pretty quickly. I hated my smile. I hated how fake it was. I absolutely despised the fact that I couldn’t even smile right.

I sighed, frowning at my reflection and then quickly exited the bathroom. I ran downstairs and outside, preparing myself to meet up with the nurse. It was going to be a long day.

“So Gia”, Michelle, the school nurse, started. “How have you been?”

As she spoke, I couldn’t help but admire her. The way she looked so calm and collected and... happy. It just seemed so odd to me. And her smile was warm and friendly, like she actually cared.

“I’ve been doing well”, I answered, and in my own opinion, I wasn’t really even lying.

“Good. So I understand you’ve been staying with your uncle for a while?”

I knew what she meant. I could see right through her, and I couldn’t help but frown. She had thought from the beginning that my sleeping difficulties and dropping grades were due to some sort of problem at home, and now that I’m not at home, it’s all better. But she was wrong.

“Yeah, temporarily”, I answered quietly. Now don’t get me wrong. I liked Michelle. I just didn’t like people butting into my business. Who did she think she was? My mother?

I was right. If the day continues in the same manner the meeting did, it really would be a long day.

After school I had piano lesson. Another thing that annoyed me. I still hated playing the piano. Just playing the same songs all over again might help me memorize them, but how am I going to learn anything new if I just keep doing the same thing?

This time I had to walk there. Mikey had some band stuff to do, but I was okay with that. It was only a few blocks from the school and I had plenty of time. I had promised Mikey that I would stop by somewhere to eat something before the lesson, but I decided not to. Waste of money, anyway. I’m not made of cash. So I just walked around.

After I had walked aimlessly for about an hour I figured that I probably should’ve gone to McDonalds’ or something. Not because I was hungry, but because without realizing it, I ended up in a not so safe neighborhood.

Actually it was the same neighborhood that Blake lived in. It was probably some unconscious decision that made me go there. When I noticed that, I figured that I could go visit him, but my plans were cut short.

“Where’re you going?” I heard someone ask. When I turned to look who it was, I groaned. It was one of the many disgusting, out of control junkie guys that I’ve had the pleasure to meet. I hated them. I couldn’t understand how anyone could let themselves get into that state.

This one particular man was called Brian. He was one of the worst. His hair was brown, greasy and hung in front of his eyes, unwashed for weeks probably. His skin was so pale that I swore I could’ve seen through it if I was close enough. His whole frame looked like he would snap in half if anyone even touched him. His eyes were the worst though. They made me shudder. They were hollow and simply looked dead.

Not only did he disgust me, but I was also a bit scared. You’d think that after all those years of seeing my father in nearly the same state, I would get used to it. Well, apparently not.

“I said, where are you going?” he repeated his question, getting annoyed. He was leaning to a wall, probably so that he would have some balance.

“None of your business”, I snapped at him.

Brian grinned. “Playing hard to get, huh?”

“Oh shut up”, I sighed and continued walking.

“Seriously though!” he called after me. “If I were you, I’d stay away from Blake’s house for a while!”

That stopped me. I turned around and gave him a sharp glare. “What?”

He motioned me to come closer, and very, very reluctantly I did so. Only then he would speak. “Blake got arrested. Someone talked to the cops.”

“You’re lying”, I accused. “Who would do that?”

“I have a pretty good idea”, Brian laughed, showing his yellowy teeth. “I think you might know him. His name’s Gerard.”

I furrowed my brows. Why would dad ever do something like that? “Why?”

But before he could answer, a police car drove by and slowed down when they passed us. Of course they thought Brian was harassing me or something so they stopped in front of us to ask if everything was okay.

After assuring them that I was perfectly fine, I started to head home. I had completely forgotten all about my piano lesson. My mind was filled with worry. What would happen now? If Blake got arrested, there was no way for me to get more stuff to... medicine myself with.

And could the cops possibly find out who Blake had been selling that stuff to? Well, probably not. Blake wouldn’t tell. He might not be exactly perfect but he wasn’t that rotten.

I was so in my own thoughts when I got home that I nearly just walked past the kitchen without even realizing who were sitting there. I only noticed them when Mikey cleared his throat.

“Gia, can you come over here for a minute?” he said, and I walked into the kitchen. Instantly my eyes widened and I couldn’t breathe. There he was, my dad, just sitting there. He didn’t even look up from his hands when I entered the room, but he seemed to be doing better. The last few weeks had been good on him. He didn’t look like a walking corpse anymore, but he still was clearly only on his way to getting better.

“Would you sit down?” Mikey said, and the tone of his voice was kind but he seemed too tense. There was something going on. He looked straight into my eyes, and dad still avoided me.

“What’s up?” I asked, getting nervous.

“Gerard wants to talk to you”, Mikey started. “But first I have something to say.”

I prepared myself for the worst. Clearly this was something bad. While Mikey was thinking about what he was going to say, I examined my father. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t look at me.

Mikey took a deep breath before he spoke. “Gia, you know that I love you, right? And since you’re my niece, I would do anything to make you happy.”

I nodded slowly. He had made that pretty clear during my stay here.

“And that’s why”, he said, reached over for the counter and picking up a bowl, placing it in front of me on the table, “I’m getting rid of this for you.”

I was speechless. How had he known? When I realized that going to Blake’s was a bit more risky than I thought since dad found out about me going there, I had prepared well. I did what anyone would do in my situation: I bought as much as I could and needed for a few weeks and stashed them around my current room. But now it seemed that all of my well hidden stashes had been found and the contents had been put into this bowl in front of me.

“You looked through my stuff?” I asked him in disbelief. Mikey always tried to help me with everything and he was very concerned about me but he had always respected my privacy. That’s why this was such a shock for me.

“Yeah. And apparently I should have done that a long time ago”, Mikey scoffed.

“How did you –“I started, but he cut me off.

“How did I know? Your dad told me everything. After we talked, we wanted to make sure that you stop what you’ve been doing.” Mikey took the bowl and put it back in the counter. Then he was silent for a minute. He looked at me, then at Gerard. “Okay, I’ll leave you two to talk.”

I almost wished Mikey didn’t leave. The silence that he left behind was killing me. It was one of those awkward silences where you don’t know if you should say something or not, and what you should say if you did open your mouth. I wanted to run. Take that damn bowl and just run.

When I realized that dad wasn’t going to start talking, I sighed and looked at him, even though he kept ignoring me.

“Was it you who talked to the cops about Blake?” I asked him.

It took him a while, but finally he shook his head. “Nah. I wish it was though.”

“So... What are you going to do?” I asked. It was the question that would determine what will happen to me, after all, so of course I was interested.

“I don’t know”, he admitted, and for the first time he looked at me. He looked so tired. I almost felt bad for him. “I mean, if I hadn’t found out that you started this, I wouldn’t have had to do anything. I could’ve just continued killing myself and it wouldn’t have mattered.”

I wanted him to continue, but I was too frustrated to stay quiet. “Dad, you’ll never be able to stop. You say you will, but you won’t. You know that as well as I do.”

“If I say I’ll stop, then I will”, he argued, glaring at me.
“You know what”, I said. “I’m done faking. I hate this. I hate staying here with Mikey, but I also hated being at home. Sure, I preferred home, because I thought I had a family there. But ever since mom died, I’ve been alone, looking after you. I know you, dad. You will never stop.”

“Gia, I –“

“You just don’t get it. Go ahead, try to stop. Hell, it’d be more than you’ve ever done. But I’ve been around long enough to know that you won’t succeed.”

He didn’t answer. I just stared at him for a moment before standing up and left the kitchen.

While they must’ve thought that I went to my room, instead I stood in the hall when Mikey went to talk to Gerard. I just wanted to hear what they had to say.

“I heard what she said”, Mikey started. “And she just doesn’t want to get her hopes up, that’s all. And Gerard, I don’t want her to get disappointed either.”

“She won’t”, Gerard announced, getting up. “I’ll prove to her and to you that I can stop. I will definitely change!”

Wow. I thought I had just gotten rid of all the ties to my father, but instead I had only made him want to change more. I leaned against the wall and sighed. This could be interesting. But still, I didn’t believe one bit that he could actually do it.