Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Back to the Place

Back to the Place

by TayBayBay 2 reviews

A meeting after the band's break up leaves Brendon and Ryan questioning everything... #Rydon

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Romance - Published: 2011-08-06 - Updated: 2011-08-06 - 2218 words

Ryan tugged at the sleeves of his brown leather jacket, keeping an eye on his cell phone laying on the table. If he wasn't coming, he would have called... right? Or texted at least. Then again, Brendon was always a little unpredictable. He would be on his way to do one thing, and be side tracked by another. Who's to say that he wasn't side tracked right now?
Ryan took a deep breath and tried to keep his head on straight. His gut was churning with anxiety. What was he going to say? What was there to say in the first place? Maybe asking to meet him was all just a big mistake. It was obvious things weren't the same between them, no matter what he told the press. Ryan knew that Brendon hated him.... at least he was pretty sure.
He tugged a little harder on his sleeves, trying to get them to stay down. Not that Brendon would care what he was wearing, but he still wanted to look good either way. The bar wasn't too busy, which scared him a little. He was hoping for a crowd, that way there wouldn't be any awkward silences. But there was only one other couple sitting at a table in the bar area, and 4 guys laughing at the bar itself. It was a Friday, where was everyone?
His cell phone began to buzz against the wood of the table. Ryan picked it up quickly, and opened up the text message. He sighed as he realized it was only Twitter.
"@TheSpencerSmith: @brendonuriesays ditched me for a mystery dinner date. #pissed #morecurious"
Ryan closed the message and set his phone back down. At least he knew he was coming.

Spencer would have to wait, Brendon wasn't going to miss this. He and Ryan hadn't spoke in over 3 months, and it was slowly eating away at him. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, for the fan's sake. The fan's needed to think that everything was alright, that they were great friends still and supported each other constantly. If the fan's didn't think that... they'd start to choose sides. So Brendon told the press that the split was mutual, told the magazines that Ryan and Jon were still very much a part of their lives, told the world that everything was just fine. But it wasn't fine. It was killing him.
Last night, Brendon got a text from Ryan, simply saying "Dinner? Let's catch up." and of course he couldn't refuse. Ryan was his best friend... maybe even more important to him than his own girlfriend. Ryan was his... his.... he couldn't even find the right word. Whenever there was a piece in his life missing, Ryan would find it. Or just fill it himself. And then he left...
Brendon saw Ryan's beat up sedan sitting in the parking lot. Well, that much hadn't changed. He took out a cig and lit it, preparing himself for what was waiting for him inside. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Placing the cigarette in his mouth, he took the phone out and checked the message.
"@TheSpencerSmith: @brendonuriesays ditched me for a mystery dinner date. #pissed #morecurious."
"Fuck, Spence." He sighed to himself, hoping that Ryan didn't follow him on Twitter. He took in a long drag, before putting the cig out and straightening himself out. He slowly turned on his heels and opened the doors.

Ryan heard the door open behind him, and it seemed to him that the entire weight of the room had shifted. He took a swig of his beer and closed his eyes. This was it. He hadn't even so much as looked at a picture of Brendon in 3 months, let alone seen him in person. He could feel himself begin to sweat under pressure. His eyes still closed, he heard the chair next to him squeak against the floor. His eyelids felt like cement, refusing to give and let him pry them open.
"Hey." He heard that melodic voice he tried to hard to remember, but could never do justice. Finally, with all of his strength, Ryan opened his eyes and glanced over at the man sitting next to him.
"Hi." Ryan whispered, not having enough control over his voice. Brendon looked... older. It had only been three months, but for some reason he just didn't seem like that playful, youthful, Brendon that Ryan had always known. But no amount of age could touch his eyes. Those chocolate eyes that could see through any facade Ryan ever tried to uphold. Brendon's eyes were like home to him.
"Thanks for texting me." Brendon flashed a half hearted smile, and looked down at his hands. He couldn't keep staring at Ryan like a total fool. He couldn't let Ryan know just how much he missed him, how much he wanted him to come back no questions asked, how much he thought about him. Brendon tried to stay cool, knowing that this probably wasn't easy for Ryan either. Brendon knew Ryan hated him... at least he was pretty sure.
"Yeah, no problem. Just figured there was a lot of... you know."
"Catching up to do." Brendon finished the sentance, still avoiding Ryan's honey colored eyes.
"Right. Well, uh, how have you been?" Ryan asked casually, taking another sip of his beer. Unlike Brendon, Ryan let his eyes stay fixed on Brendon. He had spent too much time trying to remember every feature about him, that he wasn't going to miss any second to soak it all in. He just wished Brendon would look up at him...
"I've been alright. Just finished up our summer tour so... I'm a little overtired." Brendon admitted, finally glancing at Ryan but for only a second before looking back at the table. Soon a young woman approached the table, and asked if Brendon would like anything to drink. He smiled and ordered a Bud Lite. Her eyes lingered on Brendon for a few seconds then drifted over to Ryan.
"I feel like I've seen you somewhere before." She said, blushing. Brendon laughed lightly, and then glanced at Ryan who was looking down at his glass.
"Maybe you have. I can't be sure." Brendon responded. She shrugged and walked away. Ryan looked over at Brendon and sighed.
"Gotta love that feeling." Ryan tried to sound nonchalant, as a mixture of jealousy, and nostalgia washed over him.
"Depends on the day." Brendon admitted. The girl returned, and put the beer in front of Brendon. She smiled politely, and walked past.
"So," Brendon returned to their former conversation, "How've you been?"
"I'm good. Getting by, I guess." Ryan shrugged. A long silence wrapped around them as they both awkwardly sipped their beers. After a few seconds of nothing, Brendon finally spoke up.
"I've really missed you." He admitted, almost without his own permission. He had told himself that he wasn't going to make Ryan uncomfortable. In reality, the words made Ryan's heart soar. He thought tonight was going to be Ryan begging for Brendon's forgiveness, and Brendon walking away without glancing back. But now...
"I've missed you too. Probably more than what's healthy for me." Ryan began to loosen up. They stared at each other for a few seconds then, unafraid to let the other see what was written on their faces. They loved each other. Ryan wanted to reach out and hold Brendon again. They had always kept their feelings for each other bottled up, only letting them spill out on stage. But at this point, he didn't care. He wanted to tell Brendon everything, how for all of these years he's been dying to kiss him, to tell him how he felt. Brendon was holding his breath to keep himself from grabbing Ryan and kissing him right there and then. Brendon had always classified himself as "straight" but with Ryan the line wasn't always so clear... in fact with Ryan there was no line. Brendon would try to kiss him during shows, or hold him when he was upset, but Ryan always seemed so hesitant. Would he hold back now?
"Ryan?" Brendon finally broke their silence.
"Hm?" Ryan responded, still staring into those eyes he loved to get lost in.
"I know that this is kind of a weird question..." Brendon didn't drop his gaze.
"Okay..." Ryan was suddenly cautious of where this was headed.
"But how do you, uh, feel... about me?" Brendon had never felt so nervous before. If Ryan meant nothing more than to fix a broken friendship, he was about to fall flat on his face. Ryan paused for a long time, trying to calculate his answer.
"Without you... I don't really feel complete." Ryan setteled for that response, knowing whatever Brendon's intentions were, he wouldn't be a total lost cause. Brendon thought about that answer for a little bit. A thousand things were spinning in his head, making him feel dizzy.
"Then why did you leave?" Brendon tried to keep his voice from cracking as he fought back a few tears. He hated talking about the break-up.
"I just had to." Ryan whispered, knowing the real answer would never do. He knew that if he stayed with the band, his feelings, his needs for Brendon would only get worse. He couldn't live side by side a person who he loved, but couldn't have. After all, Brendon had a girlfriend.
"That's not going to cut it anymore. I want to know." Brendon felt himself slowly getting more upset.
"You wouldn't get it." Ryan looked at his beer, feeling Brendon's anger start to stir. Brendon didn't want to be angry with Ryan, seeing as he had no idea when he'd be seeing him again. But he couldn't help it. What was the point in talking to him if he wouldn't explain everything!
"I would get it, if you would just let me try!" Brendon pulled a few singles from his pocket and slammed them onto the table. He stood from his chair and turned towards the door. Ryan closed his eyes to the tears that were forming there. When he heard the door slam, he couldn't let himself sit there anymore. He too threw some cash onto the table, then ran after Brendon.

"Brendon, please don't go like this!" Ryan called after the silhouette that was halfway across the lot. Brendon wiped away the tears that streamed down his face, and turned towards Ryan. He looked too broken. His hands pulling at his sleeves, his jeans torn at the knees. He looked like that fucking beautiful mess that Brendon missed so much.
"I won't leave if you just tell me."
"No! I won't sit here and let you say 'It just needed to happen' because it didn't and you know it! You're just bullshitting your way through an explanation." Brendon yelled, letting everything spill out of him. He didn't hold back the tears now, he wasn't ashamed of them. He was hurting, and Ryan deserved to know what he was doing to him.
"Brendon, please..." Ryan was crying now too. He could hear the pain in Brendon's voice, and it killed him to know he was the cause of it. But what was he supposed to say, 'I'm not gay, but I'm gay for you.'? He would never buy it.
"Please what, Ryan? Just tell me the truth! I think I fuckin' deserve that much." Brendon said. Ryan ran a hand through his hair with a huff. He took a few steps toward Brendon, which did nothing to close the gap between them. But he stared him in the eyes and let it all out,
"Jon suggested the split because he wasn't agreeing with the music choices you guys were making. I fucking loved them, all of them, but I agreed to go with him because..." Ryan took in a deep breath, "Because I love you too fucking much, and I know you're not into guys, and I didn't want to jeopardize anything for you. You're too talented, and wonderful, and beautiful to lose everything over something like being hit on by your band mate. Plus, I couldn't keep sitting there wanting you while I knew you would never want me back..."
Brendon's entire body froze as Ryan's words sunk into his skin. Finally, Brendon regained his strength and closed the gap between them. He put his hand to the back of Ryan's neck and in one swift movement, pulled their lips together. Ryan instinctively grabbed onto Brendon's shirt, pulling him as close as possible. Their lips moved flawlessly together, making up for all of the lost time they spent not kissing each other. Brendon twisted his fingers into Ryan's hair, letting his tongue enter his mouth. Ryan didn't hesitate, wrapping his arms around Brendon's waist and holding on tighter. Their lips parted, only to gasp for air.
"I love you." Brendon whispered, wiping away a stray tear on Ryan's cheek.
"I love you too." Ryan smiled at him. Brendon kissed Ryan again, this time lightly, gently.
"Please don't leave me again." Brendon begged. Ryan smiled, and twisted his finger into Brendon's belt loop.
"I won't. I promise. Come back to my place?" Ryan offered, his smile stretching all the way across his face. Brendon's heart picked up it's pace.
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