Categories > Books > Cirque du Freak > Mulan: Vampire Style
Vampire War Camp
0 reviewsIn this chappy, hell insures. Ricitoshi breaks Stoney, We meet the Vampenze, I try to act manly (O_o) and I'm introduced to Vancha, Darren and Kurda.
0Unrated
*Outside*
Ric:
Just one chance. Is that too much to ask? I mean, it's not like it'll kill you.
[To the dragon statue]
Yo, Rocky, wake up! You gotta go fetch Mickey! C'mon, boy! Go get her! Go on! C'mon!
[He climbs up on the statue, dragging the gong.]
Grr ... arrgh. Grr. Hello? Helloooo? HELLO!
[He hits the ear of the dragon with the gong, and it falls off. Suddenly, the entire statue falls apart.] Uh-oh ...
Ric:
Uh ... Stoney? Stoney ... Oh, man, they're gonna kill me!
Great Ancestor:
Great Stone Dragon! Have you awakened?
Ric:
[Holding up the head of the Great Stone Dragon]
Uh, yes, I just woke up! Um, I am the Great Stone Dragon! Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Mickey! Did- did I mention that I am the Great Stone Dragon?
Great Ancestor:
Go! The fate of the Tadanaki family rests in your claws.
Ric:
Don't even worry about it. I will not lose fate.
[He loses his balance and tumbles down the hill, the dragon head landing on top of him.]
Ow, ah, my elbow. Oh, oh, I know I twisted something.
[He lifts the head off.]
That's just great, now what? I'm doomed, and all because
Ms. Man decided to take a little drag show on the road.
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
Go GET her! What's the matter with you? After this Great Stone Humptey Dumptey mess, I'd have to bring her back with a medal to get back in the Temple! Waitaminute! That's it! I make Mickey a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work! That's the master plan! Oh you've done it now, man.
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
[running]
And what makes you think you're coming?
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
You're LUCKY? Do I look like a sucker to you?
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
What do you mean, a loser? What if I pop one of you antennae
of and throw it across the yard, then who's the loser, or me?
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
(Ric chases him out of the yard and down the road. The Vampenze army comes to a stop by a marsh. Two Vampire soldiers are dragged out of a tree and thrown before Mr. Tiny.)
Steven:
Imperial Scouts.
Soldier #1:
Mr. Tiny!
Mr. Tiny:
Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Vampenze army.
(Laughter)
Soldier #2:
Paris will stop you.
Mt. Tiny:
Stop me! He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play
his game. Go! Tell your Princes to send his strongest armies. I'm ready.
(The two soldiers scurry off, one after the other.)
Mr. Tiny:
How many men does it take to deliver a message?
Steven:
One.
*
Mickey:
Okay. Okay, how about this:
[in a deep voice]
Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a
sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong.
[She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the
ground. Khan, her horse, rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.]
Mickey:
I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army.
Ric:
[covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Mickey can see is his giant shadow.]
Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!"
Mickey:
Agggggghhh!
Ric:
That's close enough!
Mickey:
A ghost!
Ric:
Get ready, Mickey, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade!
[He glances down at Cri-kee, who is making finger-shadows of a dragon's head, and kicks him.] C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me.
[To Mickey]
So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death.
Mickey:
Who are you?
Ric:
Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls!
I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Ricitoshi.
(Mickey stares at the tiny rat for a moment.)
Ric:
Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh?
[Immediately Khan steps all over him.]
Mickey:
My ancestors sent a little mouse to help me?
Ric:
Hey, fire rat, fire rat, not mouse. I don't do that squeek-thing.
Mickey:
You're ... um ...
Ric:
Intimidating? All inspiring?
Mickey:
Tiny!
Ric:
Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright. [Khan tries to chomp him.]
DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor. [SLAP!!!] Alright! That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis-
Mickey:
Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.
Ric:
Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that? [Mickey nods]. Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Cri-kee, get the bags! [To Khan] Let's move it heifer!
(At the Blane Camp)
Ric:
[Hiding in Mickey's helmet]Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it!
Ric:
[They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses]
Beautiful, isn't it.
Mickey:
They're disgusting.
Ric:
No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.
Recruit:
Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!
Vancha:
Hmmm ... [punches the recruit]
Darren:
[laughing]
I hope you can get your money back!
Mickey:
I don't think I can do this ...
Ric:
It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here!
Vancha:
[spits]
What are you looking at?
Ric:
Punch him. It's how men say hello.
[Mickey punches Vancha; he slams into Kurda.]
Kurda:
Oh, Vancha! You've made a friend!
Ric:
Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that. (Mickey slaps Vancha.)
Vancha:
Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy.
Kurda:
[picks up Vancha]
Vanchy, relax and chant with me.
Vancha:
errrrrgh ....
Kurda:
nanuami tofu dah ...
Vancha:
nonuami tofu dah.
Kurda:
Feel better?
Vancha:
Nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken Boy.
Ric:
Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!
Vancha:
Rrraaaaghhh!
[Grabs Mickey and punches; she ducks and he punches Darren three times.]
Oh, sorry Darren. Hey!
[He reaches down to catch Mickey from crawling away, and Darren kicks him into Kurda, then attacks with a flying side kick. They start fighting, with Kurda swiping to get them off. Mickey scrambles away.]
Darren:
Hey! There he goes!
[They chase Mickey through a tent, and the Gang of three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Kurda knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Mickey.]
Mickey:
Hey, guys ...
Ric:
Just one chance. Is that too much to ask? I mean, it's not like it'll kill you.
[To the dragon statue]
Yo, Rocky, wake up! You gotta go fetch Mickey! C'mon, boy! Go get her! Go on! C'mon!
[He climbs up on the statue, dragging the gong.]
Grr ... arrgh. Grr. Hello? Helloooo? HELLO!
[He hits the ear of the dragon with the gong, and it falls off. Suddenly, the entire statue falls apart.] Uh-oh ...
Ric:
Uh ... Stoney? Stoney ... Oh, man, they're gonna kill me!
Great Ancestor:
Great Stone Dragon! Have you awakened?
Ric:
[Holding up the head of the Great Stone Dragon]
Uh, yes, I just woke up! Um, I am the Great Stone Dragon! Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Mickey! Did- did I mention that I am the Great Stone Dragon?
Great Ancestor:
Go! The fate of the Tadanaki family rests in your claws.
Ric:
Don't even worry about it. I will not lose fate.
[He loses his balance and tumbles down the hill, the dragon head landing on top of him.]
Ow, ah, my elbow. Oh, oh, I know I twisted something.
[He lifts the head off.]
That's just great, now what? I'm doomed, and all because
Ms. Man decided to take a little drag show on the road.
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
Go GET her! What's the matter with you? After this Great Stone Humptey Dumptey mess, I'd have to bring her back with a medal to get back in the Temple! Waitaminute! That's it! I make Mickey a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work! That's the master plan! Oh you've done it now, man.
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
[running]
And what makes you think you're coming?
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
You're LUCKY? Do I look like a sucker to you?
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
Ric:
What do you mean, a loser? What if I pop one of you antennae
of and throw it across the yard, then who's the loser, or me?
Cri-kee:
Chirp.
(Ric chases him out of the yard and down the road. The Vampenze army comes to a stop by a marsh. Two Vampire soldiers are dragged out of a tree and thrown before Mr. Tiny.)
Steven:
Imperial Scouts.
Soldier #1:
Mr. Tiny!
Mr. Tiny:
Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Vampenze army.
(Laughter)
Soldier #2:
Paris will stop you.
Mt. Tiny:
Stop me! He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play
his game. Go! Tell your Princes to send his strongest armies. I'm ready.
(The two soldiers scurry off, one after the other.)
Mr. Tiny:
How many men does it take to deliver a message?
Steven:
One.
*
Mickey:
Okay. Okay, how about this:
[in a deep voice]
Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a
sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong.
[She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the
ground. Khan, her horse, rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.]
Mickey:
I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army.
Ric:
[covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Mickey can see is his giant shadow.]
Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!"
Mickey:
Agggggghhh!
Ric:
That's close enough!
Mickey:
A ghost!
Ric:
Get ready, Mickey, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade!
[He glances down at Cri-kee, who is making finger-shadows of a dragon's head, and kicks him.] C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me.
[To Mickey]
So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death.
Mickey:
Who are you?
Ric:
Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls!
I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Ricitoshi.
(Mickey stares at the tiny rat for a moment.)
Ric:
Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh?
[Immediately Khan steps all over him.]
Mickey:
My ancestors sent a little mouse to help me?
Ric:
Hey, fire rat, fire rat, not mouse. I don't do that squeek-thing.
Mickey:
You're ... um ...
Ric:
Intimidating? All inspiring?
Mickey:
Tiny!
Ric:
Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright. [Khan tries to chomp him.]
DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor. [SLAP!!!] Alright! That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis-
Mickey:
Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.
Ric:
Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that? [Mickey nods]. Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Cri-kee, get the bags! [To Khan] Let's move it heifer!
(At the Blane Camp)
Ric:
[Hiding in Mickey's helmet]Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it!
Ric:
[They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses]
Beautiful, isn't it.
Mickey:
They're disgusting.
Ric:
No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.
Recruit:
Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!
Vancha:
Hmmm ... [punches the recruit]
Darren:
[laughing]
I hope you can get your money back!
Mickey:
I don't think I can do this ...
Ric:
It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here!
Vancha:
[spits]
What are you looking at?
Ric:
Punch him. It's how men say hello.
[Mickey punches Vancha; he slams into Kurda.]
Kurda:
Oh, Vancha! You've made a friend!
Ric:
Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that. (Mickey slaps Vancha.)
Vancha:
Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy.
Kurda:
[picks up Vancha]
Vanchy, relax and chant with me.
Vancha:
errrrrgh ....
Kurda:
nanuami tofu dah ...
Vancha:
nonuami tofu dah.
Kurda:
Feel better?
Vancha:
Nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken Boy.
Ric:
Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!
Vancha:
Rrraaaaghhh!
[Grabs Mickey and punches; she ducks and he punches Darren three times.]
Oh, sorry Darren. Hey!
[He reaches down to catch Mickey from crawling away, and Darren kicks him into Kurda, then attacks with a flying side kick. They start fighting, with Kurda swiping to get them off. Mickey scrambles away.]
Darren:
Hey! There he goes!
[They chase Mickey through a tent, and the Gang of three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Kurda knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Mickey.]
Mickey:
Hey, guys ...
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