FicWad

Chapter Nine

I didn't go straight to California like I thought I would. Instead, I took a plane to New Jersey. I wanted to talk to my mom. I found out from the library archives, where she had been buried. I went to the graveyard and found the headstone.

There she was. "Here lies Ellen Sharpe. Daughter. Sister. Mother." I laughed.

"Some mother." I said to the grave. It was stupid, talking to the grave but I couldn't stop. "You fucking bitch. You made my life miserable. You beat me. Stabbed me. I've still got the scars. In fact, I think you fucked me up so much that I can't even love a decent guy." I started crying. "I loved you mom. What happened? Was it the divorce? Was it me? Didn't you love me? I don't understand. I don't understand anything anymore. I thought Gerard was the one. I really loved him. I thought he loved me too." I fell to my knees. I didn't care if anyone was watching. "I need you mom. I need you here to hold me while I cry. I've got no one. Sure I've got dad but you know what he's like. He doesn't even hug the dog. Thats why I stayed with you. I thought me and you living together was going to be great. But it wasn't. And then you had to fucking die and I need you. I need you so fucking much."

I stood up. My knees were covered in grass stains and mud but I didn't care. A few graves down I saw Linda Iero. Frank's mom. She had a bundle of flowers and she was watching me. I started crying even more. I hadn't seen that woman in years and this is how we meet again? Great.

**

Mrs Iero took me to her house. She still lived in her old house and nothing had changed. She had me wrapped in a blanket, and gave me some hot chocolate. I told her everything that had happened to me on that tour. She didn't interrupt, she didn't pass comment, she just listened. Like I wanted my mom too. I started crying again.

"I can't believe I've gone years without caring about my mom's death." I told her.
"Honey..." She whispered and took my hand. "Its ok." She got up from her seat and hugged me. "Listen, why don't you stay here for a few days, Frank is going to be home in a week or so and you guys could just...do whatever is you guys do to make each other feel better."
"That actually sounds great, but I don't know if I could face Frank." I replied. I sniffed.
"Honey, you need him, you need him to be your good friend or lover or whatever. But you need to be comforted in a way that only a friend can do." I nodded and let her put me to bed. I was in Frank's old bed and it smelled just like him still. The smell was loving and familiar and I was able to fall asleep for a long time.

A week later and Frank came to visit it mom. He had no idea I was going to be sitting having breakfast with her. He honestly looked like he had seen a ghost. But then he came to his senses and hugged me. He held on to me as if his life depended on it

"What are you doing here?" He asked. He kissed my forehead and hugged me again.
"I found her in a cemetery." Mrs Iero answered casually. Frank gave me a confused look.
"I'll explain later." I told him.
"Alright kids. I gotta go to work." Mrs Iero stood up, wiped her face with a napkin and grabbed her things. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and hugged Frank. "Don't burn the house down." She said as she went out the door. We both laughed and went into the sitting room.

I told Frank everything that had happened since I left the tour. I cried and he listened. It was all I could ask him to do.

"Your mother took me put flowers at her grave yesterday." I said. "But I still feel like something else is missing. I feel like I have this big hole in my chest. It went away when I was with Gerard." Frank wrapped his arms around me.
"He broke up with his girlfriend." Frank whispered. I thought for a moment.
"I don't think I can be with him." I replied. "He lied to me. He could have said it out front, "I have a girlfriend but I love you more than her." I would have understood that. I would have waited for him." Frank rubbed my arms. "Fuck. My life is shit. I don't know why I don't just end it all."
"Don't you ever think like that. You've still got people around you who love you. Green Day were devastated after you left. My Chem were about the same, even though two of the members hardly know you." Frank sighed. "Don't ever think like that. I'd die if I lost you." I smiled.
"Ok, I won't ever think like that. I promise." I lay my head on Frank's shoulder. "What am I going to do Frank?"
"I don't know, Roxy." Frank replied. "Maybe...you should go back to California, go and work for Green Day again and forget about Gerard." I nodded. "Or maybe you should talk to Gerard. Get some closure and then leave Jersey for good." I nodded again.
"I'll talk to him first. And I'll tell him that I'm going to move on and that he should do the same." It was Frank's turn to nod. "But I don't think I'm going to go back to California. I'm thinking I might go to New York City." Frank nodded again. We were silent for a long time.

**

Frank dropped me off at Gerard's house the next day. He said he would be waiting in the car for as long as it takes.

When Gerard opened the door to his house, he looked like a broken man. And so he should. His lip had completely healed but his hair was dirty, he had a smear of ink on his face, and his shirt was dirty.

"Hey." I said. "Can I come in?" I asked. I was brave. I felt brave. I wasn't going to cry because I had cried too much over this man. I had cried too much, full stop.
"Sure." He moved aside and I stepped in. He closed the door quietly and I just stood where I was. I turned to face him. "I broke up with my girlfriend."
"I know. Frank told me." I replied. "But I'm not here because of that."
"Oh?" Gerard said.
"I need to say something."
"Alright."
"You hurt me so much, Gerard. You were the one person I thought would never, ever hurt me but you did. I thought once we got together it would be forever but you...you had a girlfriend. I would have waited for you but you chose to lie to me. I can't be with someone like that. I thought you loved me."
"I do love you." Gerard replied. "I've always loved you."
"You say that but I don't think you understand the words." I said. "I'm moving to New York next week. I'm gonna spend some time with Frank and Mikey first, of course. I just wanted to tell you that, I'm going to try to move on. It might take some time but it needs to happen. You should do the same, I think. Get back together with Anna. Marry her, have babies with her, forget about me." I walked over to the door. Gerard closed his eyes as I placed my hand on his cheek. "Somewhere along the line, we'll see each other again. But for now just forget."

I opened the door and left Gerard for the last time. I got back into the car with Frank and we drove over to Mikey's house.