Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > This Doesn't Hurt
4. Don't Wanna Live A Life That Was Comprehensive
4 reviewsI couldn’t let Brendon get hurt. Anything but that. Anything.
1Moving
Chapter Four: Don’t Wanna Live A Life That Was Comprehensive
“Ry, you’ve checked the tuning like, 13 gazillion times.” Jon whined, beating Spencer’s drumsticks lightly on Spencer’s thigh.
“So?” I asked, plucking the G string.
“So it’s annoying.” Jon whined.
“And you’re not?” Spencer asked, gesturing to his leg.
Jon smiled sweetly at Spencer.
“But you love me.” He cooed playfully, leaning towards Spencer. Spencer pushed him away by his head, and they both laughed.
I rolled my eyes, then looked back at the head of my guitar. I plucked the B string, and Jon let out an exaggerated groan. I smirked, and Spencer laughed.
I finished tuning, the set my guitar down, sitting in a chair at the round table with Spencer and Jon.
We were about to kick off our tour. The first opening band was coming offstage, shooting looks at us with admiration clear in their eyes.
As the second band took the stage, Brendon walked into the room, followed by Pete. I looked down at my hands. I knew what the little clenches in my stomach every time Brendon walked into the room meant, but I wasn’t really sure what to do.
Brendon flopped into a chair, put his feet up on the table, and sighed heavily. Pete took the last chair, between Brendon and Spencer.
“It’ll be okay, Bren.” Pete said, setting his hand on Brendon’s arm after a moment of silence.
“I know.” Brendon said. He raised his hands, and rubbed his temples, eyes still closed.
“What?” Jon asked, looking between them with a worried expression.
Pete shook his head. Brendon took his feet off the table and let his chair fall back onto all four feet. He put his head in his hands, and Pete rubbed his back.
“Is everything okay?” Spencer asked, looking equally worried.
Pete grimaced in a not-really-but-pretending-won’t-kill-us kind of way. Brendon didn’t move.
“Let’s go for a smoke, Bren.” I said, standing up.
Brendon looked up at me and nodded, standing up. He set his hand on Pete’s shoulder as he made to follow us, pushing Pete back into his chair. He looked worried, but Brendon squeezed his shoulder, then followed me.
I led Brendon out the back doors of the venue, and pulled smokes from my pocket. I offered the pack to him, and he took one absentmindedly. I handed him my lighter, and he looked at it like he didn’t know what to do for a moment, then put the cigarette between his lips and held the lighter up. He clicked it several times, completely unsuccessful in producing fire. I took the lighter from his shaking hands, and clicked it, the flame dancing to life on the first try. I held the lighter to the end on his smoke, and his eyes slipped closed as he inhaled deeply. He leaned back against the wall, propping his foot against it as I lit my own cigarette. I leaned back next to him, also propping my foot against the wall.
“So what’s bothering you?” I asked gently.
Brendon’s head fell forward, and he took a deep breath, then looked up at my concerned face.
“I can’t tell you.” He whispered, his eyes shining in the dim light from the few lamps around the paved area.
“You can tell me anything, Brendon.” I said, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“Not this…” Brendon shook his head and tore his eyes away from me, flicking his smoke nervously.
“Brendon.” I said, and he looked back at me. “Please… tell me what’s wrong?” I whispered.
His eyes were wide, and looked like melted chocolate. The most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen in my whole fucking life.
He stared up at me, looking confused and helpless. His eyes searched my face, and he bit his lip. He squeezed his eyes shut, and lowered his head, his free hand fisting in the fabric of his skinny jeans.
He sighed, and looked back up at me, and I saw a resolve forming in his eyes, and his jaw set. I felt a pang of nervousness in my stomach as Brendon took a half step closer to me. My heart was pounding as Brendon slowly raised a shaking hand, stroking his fingertips across my cheek.
He moved closer still, his fingers tracing over my features lightly. Our bodies were almost touching, and Brendon laid his hand flat against my cheek.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He whispered. My eyes widened as Brendon’s mouth inched closer and closer to mine. Brendon froze about an inch and a half from me, staring into my eyes.
Suddenly, an emotion clouded Brendon’s eyes. He looked mortified, and he took several staggering steps back.
“Oh, God, Ry, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Brendon stammered, wringing his hands.
With a start, I noticed that my cheeks were wet. I raised my hand and rubbed my sleeve across my eyes forcefully, still staring at Brendon in shock.
Brendon stood in front of me, blushing scarlet, his eyes shining. He blinked up at me, and a tear coursed down his cheek.
“No!” I said quickly. I stepped up to him, and wiped his tear away with my thumb, cradling his face gently. “No, no, no, no, no, no, Bren, I-”
“You don’t have to pretend for me.” Brendon whispered, staring up at me desperately, with so much sadness in his eyes that it literally hurt me to see it.
I kissed him, and he whimpered quietly. I wrapped one arm around his waist, and wound the other into his hair, pulling him closer. Brendon put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me away.
His eyes were closed, and he bit his lip, more tears pouring down his cheeks.
“Please don’t.” He whispered. Even though he’d broken the kiss, he was still holding me tight against him. He leaned his head down on my shoulder, his arms moving to wrap around my waist. “I can’t take it, Ry, I just can’t.” He whispered. “If you don’t walk away now, I’ll never be able to let you go, and I know I’m not what you really want. You deserve so much better than me, Ry, you really do. Don’t pretend for me, just go.”
Brendon said all of this quickly, still holding me against him while I rubbed his back and stroked his hair, trying to soothe him. Brendon gave me one final squeeze, then released me, taking several steps back. He looked at me expectantly, as though waiting for me to turn around and run for it.
I stepped up to him again, put my hand on the side of his neck, and kissed him, more forcefully.
“Who ever said I was pretending?” I asked in a whisper, kissing his face and neck all over, my heart pounding with the excitement of holding him in my arms. “You’re perfect, Bren. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.”
Brendon pushed me away again, and looked up at me.
“Do you mean it?” he asked, doubt in his eyes.
“Of course.” I pulled him back to me. “Would I lie about something like this?”
He grinned, and pulled our mouths back together, pulling us so close that I could feel his studded belt digging into my hips.
“No!” I heard someone yell, and I pulled my mouth away from Brendon’s to look around.
Someone was running toward us. Brendon looked up at me, frightened, and I pulled him closer into me, and took a step back towards the wall.
Only when the man running was a few feet away, did I recognize him. My arms dropped from around Brendon in shock, and my mouth fell open. Brendon pulled his head out of my shoulder to look up. He looked from me to Matt, then unwound his arms from around me and took a step back.
Matt stopped in front of me, and just looked at me for a moment, then he grabbed my face, and shoved his lips on mine violently.
Brendon was between us before I had time to push Matt off. Brendon shoved Matt back, and pressed me back against the wall, standing in front of me, facing Matt. Brendon was holding my forearms, keeping me from moving him out of harms/Matt’s way.
Matt glared at him, then punched him square in the right side of his jaw. Brendon’s head whipped around at the impact, but he didn’t move from standing in front of me. Brendon’s stance was determined, and I could tell that Brendon was glaring at Matt.
“Bren, move.” I whispered, trying to nudge him out of the way.
“No.” He said through his teeth.
“Please, Bren.” My voice broke, and I felt tears start leaking down my cheeks again.
“No!” Brendon said, his hands tightening around my forearms.
“Brendon, move!” I said, trying to make myself sound angry so he would listen. I couldn’t let Brendon get hurt. Anything but that. Anything.
He turned and looked at me slowly, but still holding me where I was. His eyes were brimming with tears, and his lower lip was trembling.
“No.” He said again. He blinked his huge eyes, a tear fell from his eye and ran down his cheek. “I won’t let him hurt you.” Brendon whispered, and a small sob escaped his throat.
“I won’t let him hurt you.” I forced one of my arms from Brendon’s grasp, and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “You’re too damn perfect.”
His hand slackened on my other arm, and I took advantage of it. I twisted us around so that I was in front of Brendon, facing Matt.
“No!” Brendon said. He tried to get back in front of me again, but I kept myself standing right in front of him. Finally, Brendon just wrapped his arms around my middle, holding himself against my back.
“What are you doing with that little fag?” Matt sneered at me.
“What did you just call him?” I raised one eyebrow.
“You know that you can’t trust him.” Matt said, gripping onto my upper arms and shaking me slightly. “You know he won’t be faithful to you. Not like me.”
“You’re right.” I said, and I felt Brendon withdraw from me slightly. I could almost feel his hurt and confused eyes staring into the back of my head. “You’re nothing like Brendon. He’s about 8 million times the man that you are.”
Brendon’s arms tightened around me again, and I felt his lips on the back of my shoulder.
“And don’t you dare stand there and say that you were faithful to me!” I was yelling now, despite Brendon rubbing my side soothingly. “I know that you fucked Pete! I know that you fucked a bunch of other guys while we were together!” I was trying to move closer to Matt, who was backing away, but Brendon clutched onto me, holding me back.
“Ryan, you have to believe me-”
“No!” I screamed. “Go fucking fuck yourself!”
Matt glanced around, and took a step closer, a menacing look on his face.
“Don’t fucking talk to me like that, Ryan.” Matt hissed.
“Shut the fuck up!” Brendon had emerged from behind me, and he was advancing on Matt. “Don’t fucking treat him like that! He deserves way fucking better than you!”
I caught Brendon’s arm, and pulled him back.
“I suggest you leave.”
I turned and saw Pete standing there, hands in his hoodie pockets, a calm expression on his face.
Matt sneered at him, then turned and walked away. I looked down into Brendon’s face, which softened as he met my eyes. He threw his arms around my neck and pushed his lips onto mine. I staggered back a step as his weight hit me, but I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him tight against me. He moaned into my mouth, and I tightened my arms around him even more.
“Ahem.” Pete coughed quietly, and Brendon pulled himself away from me. We looked around at Pete, and he was grinning at us. “I’m happy for you guys, but you need to get back in there.”
We followed Pete back through the door. Brendon held my hand tightly, and kept looking up at me and smiling. Pete stopped to talk to someone, and I pulled Brendon aside, into my dressing room.
“Should we tell them?” I whispered to Brendon.
“I don’t know…” Brendon said, knowing that I was talking about Jon and Spencer.
“You know…” I said, pressing Brendon’s back against the door, running my hands lightly along his arms. “Sneaking around would be pretty fun.” I whispered into his neck.
Brendon’s breath caught in his throat, and he whimpered quietly, his hands moving up my body until his fingers knotted in my hair. I flicked my tongue out across his neck, then blew out lightly on the wet spot I’d made. Brendon threw his head back, and his fingers tightened in my hair.
“Don’t you agree?” I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded quickly, and I grinned, pushing my hips into his. A strangled whimper erupted from his throat.
“Not here.” He whispered, pulling me still closer.
“Why not?” I breathed against his jaw, kissing it gently.
“B-because we have to go perform…” Brendon gasped. “We can… later…”
“You’re right.” I said, stepping back.
Brendon leaned his head back on the door and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. I watched him, cocking my head. He licked his lips uncomfortably when he realized I was watching him.
“What are you looking at?” He asked, shifting from foot to foot.
“You.” I said calmly.
He blushed, looking down.
“Cause you’re the most perfect person I’ve ever seen.” I added.
He turned redder, and bit his lip, smiling.
“Come on, you guys!” Pete yelled, pounding on the door. I opened it, and we followed him back to where Spencer and Jon were sitting, just as the second band walked off the stage.
The crowd was still yelling, and I felt a jolt in my stomach as my heart raced with anticipation. For the first time ever, I wanted to hurry up and get done with the show, so I could take Brendon back to my hotel room. Fuck, this is gonna be a long show.
A/N: Yaaaay, they're together and stuff! Woohoo! Now on to the fun part... ;)
Please rate and review! It makes me the happiest panda ever!
PS, you guys should probably expect updates to take a little longer now, because I started school again today, and I'm taking 2 AP classes, have teachers known for giving out loads of homework for social studies and math, plus I'm taking a language. So, between homework, being president of guitar club, and sleeping, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write. But I love you all!
xxAnna
“Ry, you’ve checked the tuning like, 13 gazillion times.” Jon whined, beating Spencer’s drumsticks lightly on Spencer’s thigh.
“So?” I asked, plucking the G string.
“So it’s annoying.” Jon whined.
“And you’re not?” Spencer asked, gesturing to his leg.
Jon smiled sweetly at Spencer.
“But you love me.” He cooed playfully, leaning towards Spencer. Spencer pushed him away by his head, and they both laughed.
I rolled my eyes, then looked back at the head of my guitar. I plucked the B string, and Jon let out an exaggerated groan. I smirked, and Spencer laughed.
I finished tuning, the set my guitar down, sitting in a chair at the round table with Spencer and Jon.
We were about to kick off our tour. The first opening band was coming offstage, shooting looks at us with admiration clear in their eyes.
As the second band took the stage, Brendon walked into the room, followed by Pete. I looked down at my hands. I knew what the little clenches in my stomach every time Brendon walked into the room meant, but I wasn’t really sure what to do.
Brendon flopped into a chair, put his feet up on the table, and sighed heavily. Pete took the last chair, between Brendon and Spencer.
“It’ll be okay, Bren.” Pete said, setting his hand on Brendon’s arm after a moment of silence.
“I know.” Brendon said. He raised his hands, and rubbed his temples, eyes still closed.
“What?” Jon asked, looking between them with a worried expression.
Pete shook his head. Brendon took his feet off the table and let his chair fall back onto all four feet. He put his head in his hands, and Pete rubbed his back.
“Is everything okay?” Spencer asked, looking equally worried.
Pete grimaced in a not-really-but-pretending-won’t-kill-us kind of way. Brendon didn’t move.
“Let’s go for a smoke, Bren.” I said, standing up.
Brendon looked up at me and nodded, standing up. He set his hand on Pete’s shoulder as he made to follow us, pushing Pete back into his chair. He looked worried, but Brendon squeezed his shoulder, then followed me.
I led Brendon out the back doors of the venue, and pulled smokes from my pocket. I offered the pack to him, and he took one absentmindedly. I handed him my lighter, and he looked at it like he didn’t know what to do for a moment, then put the cigarette between his lips and held the lighter up. He clicked it several times, completely unsuccessful in producing fire. I took the lighter from his shaking hands, and clicked it, the flame dancing to life on the first try. I held the lighter to the end on his smoke, and his eyes slipped closed as he inhaled deeply. He leaned back against the wall, propping his foot against it as I lit my own cigarette. I leaned back next to him, also propping my foot against the wall.
“So what’s bothering you?” I asked gently.
Brendon’s head fell forward, and he took a deep breath, then looked up at my concerned face.
“I can’t tell you.” He whispered, his eyes shining in the dim light from the few lamps around the paved area.
“You can tell me anything, Brendon.” I said, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“Not this…” Brendon shook his head and tore his eyes away from me, flicking his smoke nervously.
“Brendon.” I said, and he looked back at me. “Please… tell me what’s wrong?” I whispered.
His eyes were wide, and looked like melted chocolate. The most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen in my whole fucking life.
He stared up at me, looking confused and helpless. His eyes searched my face, and he bit his lip. He squeezed his eyes shut, and lowered his head, his free hand fisting in the fabric of his skinny jeans.
He sighed, and looked back up at me, and I saw a resolve forming in his eyes, and his jaw set. I felt a pang of nervousness in my stomach as Brendon took a half step closer to me. My heart was pounding as Brendon slowly raised a shaking hand, stroking his fingertips across my cheek.
He moved closer still, his fingers tracing over my features lightly. Our bodies were almost touching, and Brendon laid his hand flat against my cheek.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He whispered. My eyes widened as Brendon’s mouth inched closer and closer to mine. Brendon froze about an inch and a half from me, staring into my eyes.
Suddenly, an emotion clouded Brendon’s eyes. He looked mortified, and he took several staggering steps back.
“Oh, God, Ry, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Brendon stammered, wringing his hands.
With a start, I noticed that my cheeks were wet. I raised my hand and rubbed my sleeve across my eyes forcefully, still staring at Brendon in shock.
Brendon stood in front of me, blushing scarlet, his eyes shining. He blinked up at me, and a tear coursed down his cheek.
“No!” I said quickly. I stepped up to him, and wiped his tear away with my thumb, cradling his face gently. “No, no, no, no, no, no, Bren, I-”
“You don’t have to pretend for me.” Brendon whispered, staring up at me desperately, with so much sadness in his eyes that it literally hurt me to see it.
I kissed him, and he whimpered quietly. I wrapped one arm around his waist, and wound the other into his hair, pulling him closer. Brendon put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me away.
His eyes were closed, and he bit his lip, more tears pouring down his cheeks.
“Please don’t.” He whispered. Even though he’d broken the kiss, he was still holding me tight against him. He leaned his head down on my shoulder, his arms moving to wrap around my waist. “I can’t take it, Ry, I just can’t.” He whispered. “If you don’t walk away now, I’ll never be able to let you go, and I know I’m not what you really want. You deserve so much better than me, Ry, you really do. Don’t pretend for me, just go.”
Brendon said all of this quickly, still holding me against him while I rubbed his back and stroked his hair, trying to soothe him. Brendon gave me one final squeeze, then released me, taking several steps back. He looked at me expectantly, as though waiting for me to turn around and run for it.
I stepped up to him again, put my hand on the side of his neck, and kissed him, more forcefully.
“Who ever said I was pretending?” I asked in a whisper, kissing his face and neck all over, my heart pounding with the excitement of holding him in my arms. “You’re perfect, Bren. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.”
Brendon pushed me away again, and looked up at me.
“Do you mean it?” he asked, doubt in his eyes.
“Of course.” I pulled him back to me. “Would I lie about something like this?”
He grinned, and pulled our mouths back together, pulling us so close that I could feel his studded belt digging into my hips.
“No!” I heard someone yell, and I pulled my mouth away from Brendon’s to look around.
Someone was running toward us. Brendon looked up at me, frightened, and I pulled him closer into me, and took a step back towards the wall.
Only when the man running was a few feet away, did I recognize him. My arms dropped from around Brendon in shock, and my mouth fell open. Brendon pulled his head out of my shoulder to look up. He looked from me to Matt, then unwound his arms from around me and took a step back.
Matt stopped in front of me, and just looked at me for a moment, then he grabbed my face, and shoved his lips on mine violently.
Brendon was between us before I had time to push Matt off. Brendon shoved Matt back, and pressed me back against the wall, standing in front of me, facing Matt. Brendon was holding my forearms, keeping me from moving him out of harms/Matt’s way.
Matt glared at him, then punched him square in the right side of his jaw. Brendon’s head whipped around at the impact, but he didn’t move from standing in front of me. Brendon’s stance was determined, and I could tell that Brendon was glaring at Matt.
“Bren, move.” I whispered, trying to nudge him out of the way.
“No.” He said through his teeth.
“Please, Bren.” My voice broke, and I felt tears start leaking down my cheeks again.
“No!” Brendon said, his hands tightening around my forearms.
“Brendon, move!” I said, trying to make myself sound angry so he would listen. I couldn’t let Brendon get hurt. Anything but that. Anything.
He turned and looked at me slowly, but still holding me where I was. His eyes were brimming with tears, and his lower lip was trembling.
“No.” He said again. He blinked his huge eyes, a tear fell from his eye and ran down his cheek. “I won’t let him hurt you.” Brendon whispered, and a small sob escaped his throat.
“I won’t let him hurt you.” I forced one of my arms from Brendon’s grasp, and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “You’re too damn perfect.”
His hand slackened on my other arm, and I took advantage of it. I twisted us around so that I was in front of Brendon, facing Matt.
“No!” Brendon said. He tried to get back in front of me again, but I kept myself standing right in front of him. Finally, Brendon just wrapped his arms around my middle, holding himself against my back.
“What are you doing with that little fag?” Matt sneered at me.
“What did you just call him?” I raised one eyebrow.
“You know that you can’t trust him.” Matt said, gripping onto my upper arms and shaking me slightly. “You know he won’t be faithful to you. Not like me.”
“You’re right.” I said, and I felt Brendon withdraw from me slightly. I could almost feel his hurt and confused eyes staring into the back of my head. “You’re nothing like Brendon. He’s about 8 million times the man that you are.”
Brendon’s arms tightened around me again, and I felt his lips on the back of my shoulder.
“And don’t you dare stand there and say that you were faithful to me!” I was yelling now, despite Brendon rubbing my side soothingly. “I know that you fucked Pete! I know that you fucked a bunch of other guys while we were together!” I was trying to move closer to Matt, who was backing away, but Brendon clutched onto me, holding me back.
“Ryan, you have to believe me-”
“No!” I screamed. “Go fucking fuck yourself!”
Matt glanced around, and took a step closer, a menacing look on his face.
“Don’t fucking talk to me like that, Ryan.” Matt hissed.
“Shut the fuck up!” Brendon had emerged from behind me, and he was advancing on Matt. “Don’t fucking treat him like that! He deserves way fucking better than you!”
I caught Brendon’s arm, and pulled him back.
“I suggest you leave.”
I turned and saw Pete standing there, hands in his hoodie pockets, a calm expression on his face.
Matt sneered at him, then turned and walked away. I looked down into Brendon’s face, which softened as he met my eyes. He threw his arms around my neck and pushed his lips onto mine. I staggered back a step as his weight hit me, but I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him tight against me. He moaned into my mouth, and I tightened my arms around him even more.
“Ahem.” Pete coughed quietly, and Brendon pulled himself away from me. We looked around at Pete, and he was grinning at us. “I’m happy for you guys, but you need to get back in there.”
We followed Pete back through the door. Brendon held my hand tightly, and kept looking up at me and smiling. Pete stopped to talk to someone, and I pulled Brendon aside, into my dressing room.
“Should we tell them?” I whispered to Brendon.
“I don’t know…” Brendon said, knowing that I was talking about Jon and Spencer.
“You know…” I said, pressing Brendon’s back against the door, running my hands lightly along his arms. “Sneaking around would be pretty fun.” I whispered into his neck.
Brendon’s breath caught in his throat, and he whimpered quietly, his hands moving up my body until his fingers knotted in my hair. I flicked my tongue out across his neck, then blew out lightly on the wet spot I’d made. Brendon threw his head back, and his fingers tightened in my hair.
“Don’t you agree?” I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded quickly, and I grinned, pushing my hips into his. A strangled whimper erupted from his throat.
“Not here.” He whispered, pulling me still closer.
“Why not?” I breathed against his jaw, kissing it gently.
“B-because we have to go perform…” Brendon gasped. “We can… later…”
“You’re right.” I said, stepping back.
Brendon leaned his head back on the door and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. I watched him, cocking my head. He licked his lips uncomfortably when he realized I was watching him.
“What are you looking at?” He asked, shifting from foot to foot.
“You.” I said calmly.
He blushed, looking down.
“Cause you’re the most perfect person I’ve ever seen.” I added.
He turned redder, and bit his lip, smiling.
“Come on, you guys!” Pete yelled, pounding on the door. I opened it, and we followed him back to where Spencer and Jon were sitting, just as the second band walked off the stage.
The crowd was still yelling, and I felt a jolt in my stomach as my heart raced with anticipation. For the first time ever, I wanted to hurry up and get done with the show, so I could take Brendon back to my hotel room. Fuck, this is gonna be a long show.
A/N: Yaaaay, they're together and stuff! Woohoo! Now on to the fun part... ;)
Please rate and review! It makes me the happiest panda ever!
PS, you guys should probably expect updates to take a little longer now, because I started school again today, and I'm taking 2 AP classes, have teachers known for giving out loads of homework for social studies and math, plus I'm taking a language. So, between homework, being president of guitar club, and sleeping, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write. But I love you all!
xxAnna
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