Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > This Doesn't Hurt
Chapter Five: Can We Fast Forward Till You Go Down On Me?
“God, I’m just fuckin’ beat!” Brendon sighed as we walked off the stage from our encore.
“Me too.” I agreed, flashing a look at Brendon that wouldn’t be seen by Jon or Spencer, as they were walking behind me.
“I’m gonna go to the hotel.” Brendon yawned.
“Good plan, Bren. Right there with you.” I said, and Brendon winked at me while no one else was looking.
“See you guys in the morning.” Brendon said, and he led the way out the back doors of the venue, and over to his car.
I slid into the passenger seat, and he started the car. The ride to the hotel was silent, except the rumbling of the engine. Me and Brendon walked into the hotel, staying an arms length apart. Brendon led us to the elevator. I leaned into the rails in the corner, watching Brendon. He was watching the numbers change on the screen, indicting what floor we were at.
The doors opened, and Brendon led the way out. He hesitated in the hallway.
“My room or yours?” He asked, looking up at me.
“Yours.” I said, knowing that Spencer would have absolutely no problem walking right into my room without knocking.
Brendon grabbed my wrist, and pulled me to the door of his room. He fumbled with the keycard, and finally got the door open. He dragged me in, closed the door, then threw me against it. He attacked my mouth with his, and I moaned into him. He pushed his hips into mine, moaning softly at the friction. I gripped onto his upper arms, and directed him backwards. I flung him onto the bed, then climbed on, straddling his hips. My hands drifted down his chest, to his belt buckle.
“Ryan?” He whispered, and I looked up at him. He looked scared, and I immediately pulled away from him.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, brushing his hair off his face.
“I, I just, I’ve never done this before.” Brendon babbled. “I don’t know what to do, and I’m kinda scared, and-”
I shushed him with a kiss.
“It’s okay.” I told him, caressing his cheek lightly.
“But what if I mess up?” He whispered, looking genuinely frightened by the thought.
“You won’t.” I told him. “You’ll be wonderful, baby, I know it.”
He blushed, biting his lip.
“Do you want to stop?” I asked him. “We can wait for another time.”
“I don’t wanna stop…” He said, biting his lip. “But I don’t know how far I wanna go.”
“What feels right?” I asked, rolling myself off him, so I was propped on my elbow next to him instead of straddling him.
“I don’t know, Ry…” Brendon whispered. “Part of me wants to be as close to you as I can get, as fast as I can.” He blushed. “The other part of me wants to take it really slow.”
I picked up his hand, and traced circles on his palms.
“We should take it slow.” I said, kissing his knuckles. “I don’t want you to have any regrets about this. There’s taking it too fast, but I don’t think it’s possible to ruin everything by taking it too slow.” I grinned at him, and he smiled back sheepishly.
“I’m sorry, Ry.” He whispered, rolling onto his side, and lacing our fingers together.
“For what, Sweetheart?” I asked, running my fingers through his hair.
“I know that you wanted this, and I feel like I’m disappointing you. BUT,” he said loudly as I opened my mouth, “I know that you won’t do anything tonight, because you know I’m not ready. But you won‘t admit you‘re disappointed.”
“Bren, I’m not disappointed.” I said sincerely, cradling his face. “What would’ve been disappointing, would be if you’d done it, because you thought I wanted you to, and you weren’t ready. I would feel terrible.”
“I love you, Ryan.” He whispered. He raised his hands to my face, and stroked my cheekbones lightly.
“I love you too, Brennybear.”
I kissed him, and he scooted closer to me. I set my hand on his hip, pulling him in closer. After a few encouraging whimpers, I rolled Brendon onto his back, straddling him again. I leaned on my elbows, which were on either side of his head, and kissed him deeply. We stayed this way for a long time. At one point, he rolled us, so that he was on top of me, but that only lasted a minute until I rolled us again.
“I should probably go back to my room.” I said, breaking away from him. Glancing at the clock, I saw that we’d been here, making out, for over an hour.
“Stay here.” He panted.
“Jon and Spencer might notice.” I said. “And if we’re taking it slow…”
He pouted, and I giggled, kissing him again.
“Please stay?” Brendon breathed, knotting his fingers in my hair. “Please, Ryan?”
“You make it so hard to say no.” I murmured into his neck, caressing the soft skin with my lips.
“Then say yes.” He moaned softly.
I pulled back, and looked down at him. He was begging me with his eyes.
“Bren, baby, we’ve gotta make a choice.” I whispered. “I will gladly hold you all night, every night, but if we do that, then we have to tell Jon and Spence. They’ll catch us eventually, and you know they’ll be pissed if they find out we’re keeping a secret from them.”
“Just tonight.” He whispered. “We’ll tell them that we got back, and decided to watch a movie, and you passed out here.”
I sat up, and disentangled myself from his various limbs.
“Ryan…” He whined, pouting again.
I leaned across the bed to him, and sucked his lower lip into my mouth. He whimpered, and he pulled his body against mine as I nibbled at his lip. I kissed him again, then pulled away, straightening my clothes.
“I’ll see you in the morning, Bren.” I said. I kissed his forehead, and left the room, smiling to myself at the disgruntled look on Brendon’s face.
I made my way down the hall, to my own room. As soon as the door shut, I stripped off, down to my boxers and flopped onto the bed. I ran my fingers through my hair, and smiled slightly. I rolled onto my side, and fell asleep.
*
The next week went by slowly. Me and Brendon would steal kisses whenever we could, but we were forced to keep our hands to ourselves most of the time. We’d almost been caught once, when it was just the two of us in the dressing room. Brendon had straddled my lap, and we were making out hardcore, when Jon and Spencer walked in. Brendon had managed to cover it up by throwing his arms around my neck, and shrieking about a big scary bug.
We hadn’t stayed at another hotel since that first night. Every night, after Jon and Spencer were asleep and snoring, either me or Brendon would creep into the others bunk, staying there, kissing, cuddling, or talking quietly for a few hours, then we’d separate again. Spencer had noticed that we’d both been more tired the past few days, but Brendon claimed homesickness and insomnia, and I told Spencer I’d been having nightmares again. It wasn’t a total lie on either of our parts, either. Brendon really did miss being at home, and I really had been having nightmares again. Usually after Brendon would leave me for the night, or if I briefly fell asleep on the couch or in a chair. It was always the same. Me and Brendon were running, from some unknown force that was closing in on us. Whatever it was, it got Brendon, and I couldn’t save him. It made me shudder to even think about it, and every time it happened, I was overwhelmed with the need to hold Brendon close to me, and promise to never let him go.
“We’ll be at the hotel tomorrow night.” Brendon yawned, curling deeper into my arms.
“I can’t wait.” I murmured, kissing his hair.
“Me either.” He whispered, kissing under my jaw. I smiled at the underside of Spencer’s bunk, tightening my arms around Brendon.
“You should go back to your bunk.” I said, and he sighed. He kissed me, then unfurled himself from my arms. I watched him get into his bunk, then pulled the curtain around mine shut after exchanging whispered “I love you”’s.
I wrapped my blankets around myself and sighed. I rearranged my pillow, and wrapped my arms around it, imagining that Brendon was there, holding me as I fell asleep.
*
“Run, Bren! Run faster!” I screamed, my feet pounding on the ground beneath us.
“I can’t, Ry!” He sobbed, slowing down. “I can’t go any faster!”
I seized his wrist, and tried to drag him with me as I ran.
“Go, Ryan! Save yourself, baby. Get out of here.” Brendon whispered, kissing my knuckles.
“No, Brendon, I won’t leave you!” I sobbed, tugging hopelessly on his arm.
“Run, baby. For me, please.” He said. He kissed me, then released my hand, stepping back.
“No!” I shrieked, reaching for him as the darkness reached out, pulling me away.
He turned, and faced the darkness rushing towards him.
“Brendon!” I wailed.
He disappeared, and I heard him shriek in pain.
“No, Brendon! Please, please, no!” I struggled against invisible bonds. I needed to help him, to save him, but I couldn’t.
“Run, Ryan!” He yelled, and I sobbed harder.
“Brendon, no, Brendon, please.” I whimpered, thrashing about.
“Shh, Ryan, you’re okay.”
“No, no, I’m not okay.” I sobbed, still fighting wildly against whatever was holding me back.
“Ryan, calm the fuck down!” It was a different voice this time.
“No, no, Brendon, I need to save him, I need to help him,” I whimpered, feeling tears soaking my face.
“Ryan, wake up!” A third voice yelled. “Open your fucking eyes!”
I tore my eyes open and looked around. Brendon was the closest, looking terrified, my hand clenched around his wrist. Jon and Spencer were behind him, also looking worried, but not so much as Brendon.
I was shaking, sweating, and panting. I was tangled in the sheets and blankets, and I quickly unwound myself. They just sat there, staring at me for a long moment. I wiped my hands across my eyes, to rid them of tears.
“Was it a nightmare?” Jon asked quietly. Spencer gave him a ‘duh’ look, but I nodded.
“Do you want one of us to stay with you?” Spencer asked sympathetically, and I knew he was remembering when we were little, how I’d need somebody there with me after having a nightmare.
I nodded, still shaking. I shifted over on the mattress.
“I’ll stay.” Brendon murmured to Spencer. Spencer looked at me for approval. I nodded, and Brendon climbed onto the bed next to me. Spencer closed the curtain, and I heard him climb back into his bunk.
Brendon pulled me into him, and stroked my sweaty hair out of my face. We didn’t dare say anything, for fear that Spencer or Jon might hear, but he held me close to him. I adjusted myself so my ear was directly above his steadily beating heart. I traced light patterns on his stomach with my fingertips, waiting for Jon and Spencer’s snores to fill the bus again.
“I love you.” He whispered, pulling his fingers through my hair.
“Brennybear, I love you too.” I whispered , cuddling into him. “Thank you for being here.” I whispered, kissing his neck lightly
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He murmured, kissing my temple gently. “Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?” He asked, lifting my chin so I had to look up at him.
I shook my head frantically. “No, no, no, Brendon, baby, I was losing you. I was so scared…” I cried softly, and he squeezed me tighter.
“You’ll never lose me, sugar.” He whispered. “I promise.”
A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry this has taken so long. Homework for the first week of AP Psych was a ten page essay about something that made me who I am today. I swear, that class is going to kick my ass. But anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please rate, review, and all that jazz.
xxAnna
“God, I’m just fuckin’ beat!” Brendon sighed as we walked off the stage from our encore.
“Me too.” I agreed, flashing a look at Brendon that wouldn’t be seen by Jon or Spencer, as they were walking behind me.
“I’m gonna go to the hotel.” Brendon yawned.
“Good plan, Bren. Right there with you.” I said, and Brendon winked at me while no one else was looking.
“See you guys in the morning.” Brendon said, and he led the way out the back doors of the venue, and over to his car.
I slid into the passenger seat, and he started the car. The ride to the hotel was silent, except the rumbling of the engine. Me and Brendon walked into the hotel, staying an arms length apart. Brendon led us to the elevator. I leaned into the rails in the corner, watching Brendon. He was watching the numbers change on the screen, indicting what floor we were at.
The doors opened, and Brendon led the way out. He hesitated in the hallway.
“My room or yours?” He asked, looking up at me.
“Yours.” I said, knowing that Spencer would have absolutely no problem walking right into my room without knocking.
Brendon grabbed my wrist, and pulled me to the door of his room. He fumbled with the keycard, and finally got the door open. He dragged me in, closed the door, then threw me against it. He attacked my mouth with his, and I moaned into him. He pushed his hips into mine, moaning softly at the friction. I gripped onto his upper arms, and directed him backwards. I flung him onto the bed, then climbed on, straddling his hips. My hands drifted down his chest, to his belt buckle.
“Ryan?” He whispered, and I looked up at him. He looked scared, and I immediately pulled away from him.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, brushing his hair off his face.
“I, I just, I’ve never done this before.” Brendon babbled. “I don’t know what to do, and I’m kinda scared, and-”
I shushed him with a kiss.
“It’s okay.” I told him, caressing his cheek lightly.
“But what if I mess up?” He whispered, looking genuinely frightened by the thought.
“You won’t.” I told him. “You’ll be wonderful, baby, I know it.”
He blushed, biting his lip.
“Do you want to stop?” I asked him. “We can wait for another time.”
“I don’t wanna stop…” He said, biting his lip. “But I don’t know how far I wanna go.”
“What feels right?” I asked, rolling myself off him, so I was propped on my elbow next to him instead of straddling him.
“I don’t know, Ry…” Brendon whispered. “Part of me wants to be as close to you as I can get, as fast as I can.” He blushed. “The other part of me wants to take it really slow.”
I picked up his hand, and traced circles on his palms.
“We should take it slow.” I said, kissing his knuckles. “I don’t want you to have any regrets about this. There’s taking it too fast, but I don’t think it’s possible to ruin everything by taking it too slow.” I grinned at him, and he smiled back sheepishly.
“I’m sorry, Ry.” He whispered, rolling onto his side, and lacing our fingers together.
“For what, Sweetheart?” I asked, running my fingers through his hair.
“I know that you wanted this, and I feel like I’m disappointing you. BUT,” he said loudly as I opened my mouth, “I know that you won’t do anything tonight, because you know I’m not ready. But you won‘t admit you‘re disappointed.”
“Bren, I’m not disappointed.” I said sincerely, cradling his face. “What would’ve been disappointing, would be if you’d done it, because you thought I wanted you to, and you weren’t ready. I would feel terrible.”
“I love you, Ryan.” He whispered. He raised his hands to my face, and stroked my cheekbones lightly.
“I love you too, Brennybear.”
I kissed him, and he scooted closer to me. I set my hand on his hip, pulling him in closer. After a few encouraging whimpers, I rolled Brendon onto his back, straddling him again. I leaned on my elbows, which were on either side of his head, and kissed him deeply. We stayed this way for a long time. At one point, he rolled us, so that he was on top of me, but that only lasted a minute until I rolled us again.
“I should probably go back to my room.” I said, breaking away from him. Glancing at the clock, I saw that we’d been here, making out, for over an hour.
“Stay here.” He panted.
“Jon and Spencer might notice.” I said. “And if we’re taking it slow…”
He pouted, and I giggled, kissing him again.
“Please stay?” Brendon breathed, knotting his fingers in my hair. “Please, Ryan?”
“You make it so hard to say no.” I murmured into his neck, caressing the soft skin with my lips.
“Then say yes.” He moaned softly.
I pulled back, and looked down at him. He was begging me with his eyes.
“Bren, baby, we’ve gotta make a choice.” I whispered. “I will gladly hold you all night, every night, but if we do that, then we have to tell Jon and Spence. They’ll catch us eventually, and you know they’ll be pissed if they find out we’re keeping a secret from them.”
“Just tonight.” He whispered. “We’ll tell them that we got back, and decided to watch a movie, and you passed out here.”
I sat up, and disentangled myself from his various limbs.
“Ryan…” He whined, pouting again.
I leaned across the bed to him, and sucked his lower lip into my mouth. He whimpered, and he pulled his body against mine as I nibbled at his lip. I kissed him again, then pulled away, straightening my clothes.
“I’ll see you in the morning, Bren.” I said. I kissed his forehead, and left the room, smiling to myself at the disgruntled look on Brendon’s face.
I made my way down the hall, to my own room. As soon as the door shut, I stripped off, down to my boxers and flopped onto the bed. I ran my fingers through my hair, and smiled slightly. I rolled onto my side, and fell asleep.
*
The next week went by slowly. Me and Brendon would steal kisses whenever we could, but we were forced to keep our hands to ourselves most of the time. We’d almost been caught once, when it was just the two of us in the dressing room. Brendon had straddled my lap, and we were making out hardcore, when Jon and Spencer walked in. Brendon had managed to cover it up by throwing his arms around my neck, and shrieking about a big scary bug.
We hadn’t stayed at another hotel since that first night. Every night, after Jon and Spencer were asleep and snoring, either me or Brendon would creep into the others bunk, staying there, kissing, cuddling, or talking quietly for a few hours, then we’d separate again. Spencer had noticed that we’d both been more tired the past few days, but Brendon claimed homesickness and insomnia, and I told Spencer I’d been having nightmares again. It wasn’t a total lie on either of our parts, either. Brendon really did miss being at home, and I really had been having nightmares again. Usually after Brendon would leave me for the night, or if I briefly fell asleep on the couch or in a chair. It was always the same. Me and Brendon were running, from some unknown force that was closing in on us. Whatever it was, it got Brendon, and I couldn’t save him. It made me shudder to even think about it, and every time it happened, I was overwhelmed with the need to hold Brendon close to me, and promise to never let him go.
“We’ll be at the hotel tomorrow night.” Brendon yawned, curling deeper into my arms.
“I can’t wait.” I murmured, kissing his hair.
“Me either.” He whispered, kissing under my jaw. I smiled at the underside of Spencer’s bunk, tightening my arms around Brendon.
“You should go back to your bunk.” I said, and he sighed. He kissed me, then unfurled himself from my arms. I watched him get into his bunk, then pulled the curtain around mine shut after exchanging whispered “I love you”’s.
I wrapped my blankets around myself and sighed. I rearranged my pillow, and wrapped my arms around it, imagining that Brendon was there, holding me as I fell asleep.
*
“Run, Bren! Run faster!” I screamed, my feet pounding on the ground beneath us.
“I can’t, Ry!” He sobbed, slowing down. “I can’t go any faster!”
I seized his wrist, and tried to drag him with me as I ran.
“Go, Ryan! Save yourself, baby. Get out of here.” Brendon whispered, kissing my knuckles.
“No, Brendon, I won’t leave you!” I sobbed, tugging hopelessly on his arm.
“Run, baby. For me, please.” He said. He kissed me, then released my hand, stepping back.
“No!” I shrieked, reaching for him as the darkness reached out, pulling me away.
He turned, and faced the darkness rushing towards him.
“Brendon!” I wailed.
He disappeared, and I heard him shriek in pain.
“No, Brendon! Please, please, no!” I struggled against invisible bonds. I needed to help him, to save him, but I couldn’t.
“Run, Ryan!” He yelled, and I sobbed harder.
“Brendon, no, Brendon, please.” I whimpered, thrashing about.
“Shh, Ryan, you’re okay.”
“No, no, I’m not okay.” I sobbed, still fighting wildly against whatever was holding me back.
“Ryan, calm the fuck down!” It was a different voice this time.
“No, no, Brendon, I need to save him, I need to help him,” I whimpered, feeling tears soaking my face.
“Ryan, wake up!” A third voice yelled. “Open your fucking eyes!”
I tore my eyes open and looked around. Brendon was the closest, looking terrified, my hand clenched around his wrist. Jon and Spencer were behind him, also looking worried, but not so much as Brendon.
I was shaking, sweating, and panting. I was tangled in the sheets and blankets, and I quickly unwound myself. They just sat there, staring at me for a long moment. I wiped my hands across my eyes, to rid them of tears.
“Was it a nightmare?” Jon asked quietly. Spencer gave him a ‘duh’ look, but I nodded.
“Do you want one of us to stay with you?” Spencer asked sympathetically, and I knew he was remembering when we were little, how I’d need somebody there with me after having a nightmare.
I nodded, still shaking. I shifted over on the mattress.
“I’ll stay.” Brendon murmured to Spencer. Spencer looked at me for approval. I nodded, and Brendon climbed onto the bed next to me. Spencer closed the curtain, and I heard him climb back into his bunk.
Brendon pulled me into him, and stroked my sweaty hair out of my face. We didn’t dare say anything, for fear that Spencer or Jon might hear, but he held me close to him. I adjusted myself so my ear was directly above his steadily beating heart. I traced light patterns on his stomach with my fingertips, waiting for Jon and Spencer’s snores to fill the bus again.
“I love you.” He whispered, pulling his fingers through my hair.
“Brennybear, I love you too.” I whispered , cuddling into him. “Thank you for being here.” I whispered, kissing his neck lightly
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He murmured, kissing my temple gently. “Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?” He asked, lifting my chin so I had to look up at him.
I shook my head frantically. “No, no, no, Brendon, baby, I was losing you. I was so scared…” I cried softly, and he squeezed me tighter.
“You’ll never lose me, sugar.” He whispered. “I promise.”
A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry this has taken so long. Homework for the first week of AP Psych was a ten page essay about something that made me who I am today. I swear, that class is going to kick my ass. But anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please rate, review, and all that jazz.
xxAnna
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