Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Your kiss was the perfect drug, it gave me the perfect high
“I can’t believe I just agreed to that.” I told Julie, sitting on the couch.
“Why? He’s like your dream man, he’s perfect for you.”
“I’m just getting my hopes up for nothing. Why would he go for a girl like me?”
“I don’t know Ray, as a unbiased bystander I can tell you I really thinks he cares about you. You just have to let him.”
“We just met! How could he possibly care about me?” I exclaimed.
“I know you’ve been hurt- “
“I’m going to go lay down before he comes to get me.” I said cutting her off.
I shut the door to the bedroom and laid down on the bed. I wasn’t sure if this was a better idea though because now I was left alone with my thoughts. They always seemed to chew me up from the inside out.
By the time that twelve thirty came around I was still trying to keeps my mind from running wild. I heard a knock on the door of the main room. I knew it must be Brendon so I went out to meet him. Julie had let him in just as I walked into the room.
“Ready?” he asked me.
“Yeah.” I turned to Julie and said “I’ll try not to get in too late, Juls.”
She didn’t even look at me as she answered “Whatever.”
“Is she okay?” Brendon asked me once we were in the hall.
“I think she’s just mad at me.”
“Why?”
“It’s nothing.” I said. It would be alright; our fights never lasted long.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“Oh well, I hadn’t really planned it out. Do snacks and video games sound good?”
“It sounds excellent.” I said with a smile.
We arrived at a small condo, and he told me it was a friend’s who let him use it when he was in town.
“He isn’t home though, so we get to raid his game collection.” He said with a small laugh.
Once we had collected all our snacks and turned on some first person p.o.v. war game I started to feel more comfortable. I wasn’t thinking about my nerves or if I said the wrong thing.
“Ahhh! Oh no! I’m dying- It- He’s gonna kill- Oh that’s it. I lost.” I said.
“I really suck at these games, Brendon. You’re going to kick my ass bad.”
He started another game.
“So what are you and Julie fighting about?” he asked me, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“Nothing, I’m just stupid sometimes and she’s just a bit pissy sometimes. It’ll be over by tomorrow.”
“It wasn’t about me was it? I should have asked if she wanted hang out too. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s not anything like that. She actually wanted me to come hang out with you.” I told him.
“Oh and you didn’t. I see. Well I’m sorry I forced such a horrible fate on you.” He said pretending to be offended.
I just laughed as I tried not to get my character killed.
“Although I did have a hard time convincing you. Why was that?”
“I don’t know.”
This conversation had taken a turn that I had hoped it wouldn’t. Suddenly the game was paused and Brendon had turned to face me.
“I’m not turning that back on till you actually talk to me.” He said.
I sighed and told him “I’m leaving in the morning so I didn’t see a point in…in…”
“What?”
“In getting my hopes up.” I said looking down.
“I don’t know what happened Ray, but I can tell you’ve been hurt before. That’s not a reason to shut people out.”
“I am so sick of people telling me they know I’ve been hurt! You don’t know shit!” I snapped.
I stood up quickly. I hadn’t let myself get this angry in a long time. It just came so fast and now I was just shaking silently.
I felt Brendon stand up beside me.
“Tell me.” he said. He pulled me down so I was sitting on the couch beside him.
“I can’t.”
I shut my eyes tightly. I wouldn’t let myself feel that pain again and I wouldn’t let Brendon see me break. He just sat there with his hand on my shoulder.
“I’ve never told anyone. The only person who knows is-“ I choked. I couldn’t even say his name.
“Its okay.” he said, “Just take a deep breath, okay?”
I did. It didn’t help much.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m fine now. Can we just start the game now?”
“No, I’m not letting you off that easy. You can’t just keep pushing me away. Is it because of your fight with Julie?”
“No. She doesn’t even know about it.”
He stayed quiet, waiting for me to start my story. I didn’t want to. I hoped if I just gave him a few vague details he would let it go.
“I dated a guy in high school and it ended bad. That’s why I push people away.”
“What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter, it isn’t a big deal.”
“It seems to me that it was. When exactly did you guys break up?”
“We started dating when we were juniors and we made it all the way to a couple months after graduation.”
“It must have been something serious that broke you up if you dated for that long and you never told anyone.” he stated.
“I had planned on keeping it like that.” I said quietly.
“I’m not going to judge you. You can tell me.”
‘Well,’ I thought ‘It’s not like he’ll even remember me after I leave. Just get it over with.’
I took a deep breath. This was not going to be easy.
“His name was Jakson. Like I said, we dated for about two years. It, um, it was all pretty great until it ended. We were in love. Well, more in love than I’ve ever been with anyone else. So of course it hurt when he ended it like it was my fault.”
Brendon was just looking at me softly. He put his arm around me with hardly any pressure at all. It made me feel safe. I knew that was a big sign that I was getting to deep, but I couldn’t make myself think about that now.
“We… we…” I started again.
Brendon rubbed his thumb across my shoulder lightly. I took another deep breath and tried again.
“We found out I might be pregnant.” I said quietly, “He broke it off before I could even get a test.”
Brendon’s hand tightened on my shoulder slightly.
“He said he didn’t want to be tied down.” I felt my eyes well up with tears. After that I just couldn’t stop the words from coming.
“Like I wanted to be. Like I wasn’t just as worried and scared as he was. He just threw me away like he didn’t even care that I was having his kid.”
The tears were flowing pretty freely now. Brendon just pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me while I let out everything I had kept inside. I felt like I was falling apart in his arms.
I must have fallen asleep after I stopped crying because the next thing I know Brendon is nudging my shoulder and whispering my name.
“What?” I asked, trying to get my mouth to work through the thickness of sleep.
I opened my eyes and he was looking down at me. I blushed. I felt so vulnerable. I looked away from his eyes. Mine landed on the Clandestine necklace around his neck. I put my fingers on it lightly, daring to touch.
“Ray? What, um-“ he paused to swallow, “Were you pregnant?”
I drew in a quick tiny breath and shut my eyes tightly to stop the tears from coming back.
“Yeah,” I said, “but it didn’t last long. The doctor said it was a combination of stress and my body not being ready for a baby. I miscarried not long after I found out. About three weeks after Jakson left.”
He hugged me tight to his body again.
“I’m so sorry.” He said.
“Don’t be.” I mumbled.
He just nodded and we sat like that for a few more minutes.
“It’s getting late. Or early. I should probably take you back so you can sleep before your flight.” He said, helping me to stand up.
When we got to the car I asked him if he minded if I had a cigarette. We shared one on the way back. The ride was pretty quiet. I just stared out the window, and I could feel him look over at me every once in awhile. I hoped he wouldn’t ask me if I was ok all the way back to the hotel.
“Why? He’s like your dream man, he’s perfect for you.”
“I’m just getting my hopes up for nothing. Why would he go for a girl like me?”
“I don’t know Ray, as a unbiased bystander I can tell you I really thinks he cares about you. You just have to let him.”
“We just met! How could he possibly care about me?” I exclaimed.
“I know you’ve been hurt- “
“I’m going to go lay down before he comes to get me.” I said cutting her off.
I shut the door to the bedroom and laid down on the bed. I wasn’t sure if this was a better idea though because now I was left alone with my thoughts. They always seemed to chew me up from the inside out.
By the time that twelve thirty came around I was still trying to keeps my mind from running wild. I heard a knock on the door of the main room. I knew it must be Brendon so I went out to meet him. Julie had let him in just as I walked into the room.
“Ready?” he asked me.
“Yeah.” I turned to Julie and said “I’ll try not to get in too late, Juls.”
She didn’t even look at me as she answered “Whatever.”
“Is she okay?” Brendon asked me once we were in the hall.
“I think she’s just mad at me.”
“Why?”
“It’s nothing.” I said. It would be alright; our fights never lasted long.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“Oh well, I hadn’t really planned it out. Do snacks and video games sound good?”
“It sounds excellent.” I said with a smile.
We arrived at a small condo, and he told me it was a friend’s who let him use it when he was in town.
“He isn’t home though, so we get to raid his game collection.” He said with a small laugh.
Once we had collected all our snacks and turned on some first person p.o.v. war game I started to feel more comfortable. I wasn’t thinking about my nerves or if I said the wrong thing.
“Ahhh! Oh no! I’m dying- It- He’s gonna kill- Oh that’s it. I lost.” I said.
“I really suck at these games, Brendon. You’re going to kick my ass bad.”
He started another game.
“So what are you and Julie fighting about?” he asked me, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“Nothing, I’m just stupid sometimes and she’s just a bit pissy sometimes. It’ll be over by tomorrow.”
“It wasn’t about me was it? I should have asked if she wanted hang out too. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s not anything like that. She actually wanted me to come hang out with you.” I told him.
“Oh and you didn’t. I see. Well I’m sorry I forced such a horrible fate on you.” He said pretending to be offended.
I just laughed as I tried not to get my character killed.
“Although I did have a hard time convincing you. Why was that?”
“I don’t know.”
This conversation had taken a turn that I had hoped it wouldn’t. Suddenly the game was paused and Brendon had turned to face me.
“I’m not turning that back on till you actually talk to me.” He said.
I sighed and told him “I’m leaving in the morning so I didn’t see a point in…in…”
“What?”
“In getting my hopes up.” I said looking down.
“I don’t know what happened Ray, but I can tell you’ve been hurt before. That’s not a reason to shut people out.”
“I am so sick of people telling me they know I’ve been hurt! You don’t know shit!” I snapped.
I stood up quickly. I hadn’t let myself get this angry in a long time. It just came so fast and now I was just shaking silently.
I felt Brendon stand up beside me.
“Tell me.” he said. He pulled me down so I was sitting on the couch beside him.
“I can’t.”
I shut my eyes tightly. I wouldn’t let myself feel that pain again and I wouldn’t let Brendon see me break. He just sat there with his hand on my shoulder.
“I’ve never told anyone. The only person who knows is-“ I choked. I couldn’t even say his name.
“Its okay.” he said, “Just take a deep breath, okay?”
I did. It didn’t help much.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m fine now. Can we just start the game now?”
“No, I’m not letting you off that easy. You can’t just keep pushing me away. Is it because of your fight with Julie?”
“No. She doesn’t even know about it.”
He stayed quiet, waiting for me to start my story. I didn’t want to. I hoped if I just gave him a few vague details he would let it go.
“I dated a guy in high school and it ended bad. That’s why I push people away.”
“What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter, it isn’t a big deal.”
“It seems to me that it was. When exactly did you guys break up?”
“We started dating when we were juniors and we made it all the way to a couple months after graduation.”
“It must have been something serious that broke you up if you dated for that long and you never told anyone.” he stated.
“I had planned on keeping it like that.” I said quietly.
“I’m not going to judge you. You can tell me.”
‘Well,’ I thought ‘It’s not like he’ll even remember me after I leave. Just get it over with.’
I took a deep breath. This was not going to be easy.
“His name was Jakson. Like I said, we dated for about two years. It, um, it was all pretty great until it ended. We were in love. Well, more in love than I’ve ever been with anyone else. So of course it hurt when he ended it like it was my fault.”
Brendon was just looking at me softly. He put his arm around me with hardly any pressure at all. It made me feel safe. I knew that was a big sign that I was getting to deep, but I couldn’t make myself think about that now.
“We… we…” I started again.
Brendon rubbed his thumb across my shoulder lightly. I took another deep breath and tried again.
“We found out I might be pregnant.” I said quietly, “He broke it off before I could even get a test.”
Brendon’s hand tightened on my shoulder slightly.
“He said he didn’t want to be tied down.” I felt my eyes well up with tears. After that I just couldn’t stop the words from coming.
“Like I wanted to be. Like I wasn’t just as worried and scared as he was. He just threw me away like he didn’t even care that I was having his kid.”
The tears were flowing pretty freely now. Brendon just pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me while I let out everything I had kept inside. I felt like I was falling apart in his arms.
I must have fallen asleep after I stopped crying because the next thing I know Brendon is nudging my shoulder and whispering my name.
“What?” I asked, trying to get my mouth to work through the thickness of sleep.
I opened my eyes and he was looking down at me. I blushed. I felt so vulnerable. I looked away from his eyes. Mine landed on the Clandestine necklace around his neck. I put my fingers on it lightly, daring to touch.
“Ray? What, um-“ he paused to swallow, “Were you pregnant?”
I drew in a quick tiny breath and shut my eyes tightly to stop the tears from coming back.
“Yeah,” I said, “but it didn’t last long. The doctor said it was a combination of stress and my body not being ready for a baby. I miscarried not long after I found out. About three weeks after Jakson left.”
He hugged me tight to his body again.
“I’m so sorry.” He said.
“Don’t be.” I mumbled.
He just nodded and we sat like that for a few more minutes.
“It’s getting late. Or early. I should probably take you back so you can sleep before your flight.” He said, helping me to stand up.
When we got to the car I asked him if he minded if I had a cigarette. We shared one on the way back. The ride was pretty quiet. I just stared out the window, and I could feel him look over at me every once in awhile. I hoped he wouldn’t ask me if I was ok all the way back to the hotel.
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