FicWad

My Crutch

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Dir en grey boys.

Hinted KyoxSomebody (Shinya? Kaoru? You can choose), hinted DiexSomebody (Shinya? Kaoru? You can choose)

..

The weather outside was identical to how he felt. The rain pounded against the windows relentlessly, but the noise was forced out as he scribbled line after line. Dark words, horrible thoughts, sad dreams, anything and everything. It was all there on the loose leaf paper. Free-verse poetry he would call it. A jumble of madness others would say.

Running a hand through his stiff blond hair, he glanced out the window. The dark sky gave no hint as to what time it was, and he really didn't give a shit. The more it rained, the more he got out. The more it rained, the fewer people disturbed him because they figured he'd sleep through the storm. They didn't know him . . .

"Dammit," Kyo murmured as he pushed himself out of the chair. His legs and arms ached from being in one position for so long, but pain faded to numbness as he stretched.

He shivered lightly, bringing his arms closer to his body. Maybe he'd have to turn the heat on after all . . . Or maybe he'd just have to stop wandering his house in boxers. He shook his head lightly, deciding to put an end to the latter. He wasn't going to spring for heat just yet. He had another month if he was lucky before the first snow.

He sighed inwardly as he tied the drawstring on his pajama pants before falling back on his unmade bed. Cold, depressing. He'd taken to sleeping on the couch the last few months, only venturing into his room for clothes or to write at his desk. It held too many memories that he'd rather not dwell on, and avoiding them completely seemed to be working pretty damn well.

He picked absently at the cigarette burn on the sheet as he stared up at the ceiling. Had he been staring passed him to that the entire time? He closed his eyes and turned his head sideways. It was highly probable. Had he been thinking of him every time they'd fucked? Or had he just locked off all thought and emotion as Kyo did regularly?

Kyo pushed himself off the bed. God, with his luck he'd have to find another place to lease. Every room held a memory. The kitchen was where he'd made coffee the morning after he'd brought Kyo home from that bar. The living room was where Kyo'd held him while he cried over Die . . . And they'd always started in the hall, both too impatient to wait to get to the bed.

He rummaged through the old dresser, looking for a clean pair of jeans. He needed to get out of there . . . even if all he ended up doing was wandering around in the rain. It was better than sitting here, sinking deeper into depression and getting closer to that razor hidden somewhere in this mess of clothes. He smiled darkly. Hell, he'd probably take it with him if he found it.

He quickly changed into the jeans before going back to find a shirt, clean or not. He really doubted it mattered at this point. All that mattered is that he was on his way out. Out of this apartment. Out of this bottomless pit of memories.

...

He inhaled the sweet nicotine, grateful for its effect. The rain fell down upon him and the rest of the city. Ah what a sweet feeling. Numbingly cold, and soaked to the bone. He smiled up at the night sky. It had been night after all.

He placed the cigarette back between his lips, slipping his cold hands into the pockets of his denim jacket. Not the best article of clothing for this weather, but it'd been by the door and he had been in a hurry.

Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way . . . Kyo closed his eyes and bowed his head as he walked the empty sidewalks. I knew he'd go back to him if Die asked. I was only setting myself up thinking that we'd be any more than just friends with benefits. No matter how large those benefits had been.

A car passed, sending water flooding onto the sidewalk. He frowned down at the drenched bottoms of his pants and flooded shoes, then smiled. Maybe he'd get too sick to go to a rehearsal. That was a far-fetched dream, but a good one nonetheless. He rarely missed rehearsals even if he was sick. It just pissed Kaoru off when he sounded so off, and it made Toshiya laugh when he stood there and complained to Kaoru that he was cold or that his throat hurt or that he was sore because of the cold or whatever he had.

Kyo smiled faintly. Toshiya was always the one to laugh at his jokes, no matter how cruel or stupid they were. He was always there to catch him if he slipped up or back him up if he messed up. He's like a crutch . . .

"Oi! Kyo-kun s'that you?"

The vocalist blinked, glancing over his shoulder as he dropped the spent cigarette to the ground. He squinted through the rain at the man jogging toward him, an umbrella held over his head in an attempt to stay dry.

"It is you!" Toshiya stopped, tucking some of his wet black hair behind his ear. "You're gonna catch your death out here, ya know. Then Kaoru will throw a fit and kill the rest of us." He grinned his crooked grin and held the umbrella over Kyo, the rain soaking his black trench coat quicker than he could move beside him. He laughed a bit and shivered. "What're you doin' out here anyway. This is a long way from your apartment."

Kyo smiled a bit and shrugged, "Just thinking."

Toshiya rolled his eyes. "You're gonna get yourself killed one of these days because of all the thoughts in your head," he said ruffling the shorter mans hair lightly.

He swatted his hand away, but still smiled. "Yeah, but I doubt anyone would care if a crazy one like me was gone," he said. "That'd be one empty funeral home."

The bassist frowned, dropping his hand back to his side. "You'd be missed, Kyo-kun," he mumbled.

Kyo blinked a few times, taken aback by his sudden drop in character. "Toshiya..?"

Toshiya shook his head, his smile returning even though it was forced. "Never mind. C'mon, you can crash at my place. It's closer," he told him.

Kyo nodded and fell into step beside him. He's my crutch . . . he catches me when I fall . .

..