- Wow. The first two sentences pull the reader right into the story and sound so Lulu. Great writing.
(English correction -- the phrase is "every second" -- and gosh, that's another one where I stop and think, "why is it like that?" and can't think of a good reason!)
The timing for the beginning of this story is challenging, since Lulu is so young. The word "hypocritical" sounds a tiny bit grown-up for a twelve-year-old, although I imagine she'd be very smart and wise for her age, especially since she's an orphan who's had to grow up fast.
Aw, the parting glimpse of little Yuna is so sweet and true. "Don't worry. I'll be strong." Even at that age. sniffle Barely older than when Lulu lost her parents. I think I can see another reason why they get along, despite being so different in other ways.
DIES as Auron cuts the blitzball in two. Oh my. You've captured a realistic image of Jecht and poor frustrated Auron in that quick scene!
English/Japanese difference again: "Haven't you made enough of a fool of yourself" on the logic (I guess) that Jecht is only one fool. :)
The conversation between Auron and Lulu is great -- just a casual meeting, but they sound like themselves, and it's not too forced! The only thing that feels a little off, again, is that she's so very grown up for twelve, she sounds twenty-two already.
On the other hand one does occasionally hit a bright young kid who really is very old for her age. (I have the impression that in Japan, children grow up a little faster than in the U.S., where they're allowed to be careless and silly longer... I'm not sure if that's really true though, or if it's one of those myths.)
I can imagine Lulu being almost this mature at twelve, I just suggest playing a tiny bit with what she'd be like younger and less experienced, trying very hard to make people take her seriously.
But I love how it ends with her wrapped up in a coat.
My nitpicks are just nitpicks, though, don't worry...this is GOOD.
It's good writing, it's fun story, and on top of that one cannot tell you're writing English as a second language in this one -- give yourself a pat on the back!
Author's responseThank you T__T !!
The greatest challenge to writing a multi-chapter story for me is the endless mistakes in grammers [dies] because I usually write them on one go when I get the feeling.
[Laughs] I just can't seem to keep cracks out even for a supposedly serious fic, that cutting the ball into halves was actually one of those "suddenly-it-just-hits" thing.
I guess this is where different culture views sort of clashed. I have seen true stories of young orphans to grow very mature here in Asia, so living in a world like Spira where death is just too common, one is really required or forced to grow up fast and sometimes too fast.
Or maybe its just a personal value. But perhaps I can further explain some of Lulu's views on Bevelle in the later chapters =D
- This is a really lovely scene. I like that young Yuna is so strong, even at seven. I think is amusing she tries to reassure her father that she will be strong.
I like that Lulu is a bit flirty towards Auron, even at twelve. I can imagine the twelve year old Lulu referring to Auron as a gentleman, even more than the twenty-two year old Lulu.
You even mention the smell of his coat. You paint a very vivid picture, and I eagerly await the next chapter!
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