FicWad

V. Mission

Ever spend two hours in a mag-lev car going from area of the city to the other? Don't. For some reason the things smell like stale sex and cat urine. The instant we were in the vehicle, I began to wonder why I had gone with him in the first. The last thing I remember was him asking me to give his boss a hand and the next thing I know, I'm in a pill shaped car with a vain she-male.

Yeah, Elendira is one vain whatever he is. Trust me when I tell you what happened next.

Immediately, Elendira tucked his oversized suitcase behind his legs and began putting on lipstick. "I don't do people if I don't know their gender." Just to piss him off, I lit a cigarette. Always riled Vash up when I did that in his presence. "How do I know you haven't had that cut off?"

Elendira blotted his lips. "You don't," he said, looking at me, before frowning, "But as it is, this body," he gestured to his frame, "Is very male."

"Oh," I said, puffing away at my cigarette. I could hear Vash whining in my mind how I would get cancer or some other dozen diseases whose names I couldn't and wouldn't bother to mention. "So you didn't have no surgery to get a doctor to hack your-"

Elendira interrupted me before I could curse. "No," he said, "Just like wearing women's clothing."

"There's a difference?"

Okay, maybe I was slowly planning my demise. Elendira's very masculine hands tightened on his suitcase for a few minutes. Beneath us and our plastic capsule-car the street zoomed by at a blazing speed. I figured if I jumped, it would only mean that all the bones in my body would be crushed... small risk.

Elendira laughed. "Calm down, you foolish priest," he said, loosening his grip, "I am only playing with you."

Oh no you weren't, I thought. I had seen the way Elendira's eyes had narrowed to thin slits. My past had given me an insight on people like him. I knew that Elendira probably would have killed me on the spot if I wasn't somewhat valuable. "I knew that."

"Liar," a voice said from my right.

I looked there to see a rather handsome woman with long dark hair and an eye patch. She had a small smirk on her face like she knew everything. "How long has she been here?" I dropped my voice slightly. "She is a 'she', right?"

The woman shook her head slightly. "Dominique's all woman," Elendira said, "You should thank her for bringing you into the car."

Aside from the eye patch, Dominique looked rather normal. "Her?" I said, giving her a quick once over. Aside from the thin pistol at her hip and her lacey bustier under her shirt, she was rather normal looking. "How could she?"

"One my secrets," Dominique said, adjusting her eye patch. I could see raw looking scar tissue and a glimpse of a mutated eye. "I never let anyone know."

I leaned back in the seat. We had passed sector nine and were now in sector ten, where all of those fancy shops and restaurants places were. You could tell because we were because of signs in neon script and the speaker in our capsule crackling to life.

"Now entering the sector ten biodome. Your possessions WILL be searched for contraband."

Wow, it wasn't a question of "if", it was a question of "will". Unfortunately, the cigarettes in my jacket were bought on the black market. Dominique didn't seemed fazed as she glance toward the other side of the capsule. Glancing over, I saw Elendira open his handbag and take out a card.


"Oh, don't act like it's the end of the world, Nick," he said lightly, running the card in the machine near the door.

Nick? Nick? Where did he get off calling me Nick? It's "Wolfwood" for crying out loud.

"Because it hardly is," he concluded, tapping a quick code.

"Welcome to Sector Ten, Elendira Crimsonnail. Now proceeding to private entrance."

"See?" Elendira said lightly, as the machine ejected the card.

"Say," I said, leaning forward to see the card. Meanwhile the capsule diverted from the path leading to the station and headed toward a small building. "Nifty toy you have there. Where did you get it?"

Dominique snorted. "Standard issue to all Gung-ho Guns," she said, like I should know what she was talking about.

I didn't. "A-whata, whata?"

Maybe today wasn't my day. Vash not on meds (a scary thought), my safety deposit out the window thanks to the hole I punched in wall (it was their fault for making the walls flimsy), Livio being a crybaby (as usual), and finally... this. "Elendira," she sighed, "This guy," she looked at me, "After all of those," she broke off, "We should have gone in earlier. But noooooo," she shook her head, "You had to wait until he was thirty."

What? I stared at both of them blankly.

Elendira shrugged. "Some people mature slowly," he said, as if that explained it all. He gave me as casual once over, studied my bitten nails (I couldn't afford clippers), my messy hair, and beard stubble. He even tapped the massive collection of ash that collected at the end of my cigarette. "Really slowly. Slow enough to make me doubt his age."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically, "Sorry to disappoint you, toots. I was talking to One-eyed over there," I added, when I saw Elendira smirk.

"So," Elendira said casually, as we pulled into the private station, "What do I have to do to convince you of my womanly charms?"

Womanly charms? The only way he could do that was if he got surgery to chop off his man-bits and get an actual set of tits. Even then he would be a she-male in a fur coat and an ankle length skirt. "Probably nothing."

"Let's kill him," Dominique said, her eye gleaming with delight, "He's filled up this cabin smoke. If I hadn't modified I'd be dead."

I looked at her. "You don't look dead," I offered, "You just look mildly ticked off."

"Aren't you a genius," she scowled, before raising herself to her feet, "Well, I'm off."

"Well, see..." I began, but she just blipped out of existence. I leaned out of the car, checked around and even waved my hand in the place where she had been. "Where did she go?"

"Don't know," Elendira shrugged, "But she does that a lot."

ooo

We had lunch in one of those fancy places where you have to be on a list to get in and where the cost of one dish could feed the orphan's at St. Marks for three years. The waiter air-kissed each of Elendira's cheeks as soon as he entered.

"My darling Elendira," the man crooned, "What brings you and your..." He glared at me and my clothing like my 'bad' fashion was catching, "Friend here?"

They proceeded to talk in French... Russian... Spanish? "Hey, what are you guys saying?"

Elendira didn't even pay me heed as he continued chatting like I was not even there. Finally the waiter turned to us and said, looking more and more like he would kill me for violating fashion. "May I take your coats?"

"Of course," Elendira cooed, handing him his thick fur coat. Underneath he wore a sweater, and a long skirt, both expensive like the coat, "You always think of the best."

I handed the man my jacket only to have him hand it back to me. "Maybe you should hold onto that."

Elendira made no protest until he led us near a table near the restrooms. I was about to protest when Elendira grabbed the man by the collar of his shirt. "Look here, you miserable worm bait," Elendira snarled, his free hand going from his suitcase handle to a small trigger that I hadn't notice before, "You have messed up for the last time."

"But Miss Crimsonnail," the man protested as he promptly wet himself, "I have been your waiter for many, many years. This has been my first mistake."

I began to protest, but than the part of me that had shot my foster father when I was seven told me to let the man squirm. "Do you think I want to spend my meal smelling puke, piss, and shit?"

"But Miss Crimsonnail, the bathrooms are sweet-smelling."

Elendira's hand crept toward the trigger, "Don't bullshit me. All bathrooms smell like that."

Inside the suitcase came several metallic shining clicks and clacks. Several customers in clothing even fancier than Elendira's started running for the door. "Hey," I said casually.

"What?" Elendira snapped, "I'm taking care of a pest."

"If the death is bloody... how will you be allowed into your favorite restaurant?"

Elendira's finger moved away from the trigger. "Damn," he whispered. Slowly he let the man drop to the floor. "When you're right, you're right, Nick."

The waiter's hand went to his bruised throat. "I'm terribly sorry," his voice no more than a raspy gurgle, "It will never happen again. Let me take you and your latest lover to the best table in the house?"

And he did. He led us away from the bathroom and closer to a window overlooking a small Plant-grown park in the center of the biodome. Then he bowed, rubbing his neck, before handing us menus. It was now up to me to figure out what was what. Okay, this language looked like what Vash was fond of speaking. French.

Now that I knew what language it was in, it was up to me not to order something that was still crawling. "Nice place, huh?" Elendira asked me.

"I wouldn't know. And why did he think that I was your lover?"

Elendira gave a little giggle. "Oh, that," he said, waving his hand, "I often bring my lovers here."

"Yeah, yeah, wonderful," I groaned, trying to hide behind the menu, "Now, everyone is going to think I have a thing with men with skirts."

"Oh," he smirked, "But you have a thing for men playing saxs."

There was a silence for a few moments. A young woman, obviously a candybopper, was holding her neon-colored pen above the pad. "Can I get you a drink?"

I looked up. Like all candyboppers, her hair had been dyed two different colors that badly clashed with each other. She also wore the traditional plastic leggings and halter-top that exposed her breasts.

She was barely out of teens.

Sad.

I've seen that style at my orphanage. Someday, I will find the person who came up with the candybopper look and shoot them. Probably a couple of pedophiles. Yeah, once I know I can live through this.

"Soda water and a lime slice," Elendira said casually, "And you?"

"Something stiff and alcoholic," I groaned.

The girl looked puzzled and sucked on the pacifier on the end of her necklace. "What would that be?"

Elendira butted in. "He wants a Bloody Mary. All Priests do."

Our waitress beamed, scratched down the order in her curly script and flounced off. "Priests don't like Bloody Marys."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh... Bloody... Mary..." He pressed his hands together for a second, "Religion... get it?"

"No."

Elendira rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He leaned forward as we waited for our drinking. "I supposed you want to know why I brought you here."

"Good food?" I guessed, "That is if I can find something that isn't alive once it's brought out to me."

"No," Elendira hissed and dropped his voice, "Do you ever wonder why you became friends with someone who isn't known for having friends?"

I looked at him. "Look," I whispered back, "I was just lucky that my bike broke down near his place."

Except now I was having doubts. Big doubts. Elendira laughed cruelly. "Well," he said, "I'll let Millions tell you the rest."

"But does that have to do with anything?"

"Your first mission."

ooo

Elendira treated me to a meal I barely tasted. I wasn't sure what I had eaten and to be honest, I didn't want to know. Then he gave me instructions to a white government building. They never label them, but I know a Plant School when I see one.

Several dozen children, all under a year old ran up to me.

I was a bit surprised. Vash was seven feet tall, as lankily built as a basketball player. These children were less then four feet tall.

"Who is that man?" one of them asked and the rest of them chimed in with their small sounding voices.

Five dozen children and I had to take them on a field trip to the zoo.

"I'm Father Nicholas D. Wolfwood of St. Mark's," I said, leaning forward, "I'm going to be taking you to the zoo."

There were a quite a few delighted shrieks.

"Ooh, he's tall."

"Can you see the sun, Mister?"

I tried to answer the questions as best as I could. Suddenly someone sniffed my pant leg. I looked down to see a tiny pixie of a plantling girl, her face screwed up in distaste. "Wow," she said in wonder, "You stink, Mister."

Suddenly, they all wanted to sniff me.

"Stinky, stinky, stinky," they chanted in their small voices.

It really was going to be a long day.

...to be continued.