FicWad

(Just wanted to comment that I put severe spoilers because of a Twilight reference for the latest movie... which I did not go see, so I may be wrong. It's just a small snippet that I wanted to warn readers about. This story is almost over! I appreciate the feedback I've received. Reddydevil: You rock. I'm glad the Brendon/Jon thing made you happy.)



***







When I woke up, the room I was in was dark and the couch felt a lot more cushion-y than usual. My eyes wouldn't adjust to the dark so I blindly reached out, touching pillows. Slowly and sleepily I realized I was in a bed. "Ryan?" I called, quietly. Fear seized my body and I had to fight to keep the panic from rising. "Ryan?" I called a little louder.

Suddenly the door cracked open, allowing a small amount of light to creep in to the room. I looked towards the light to see Spencer standing in the doorway. He quickly shut off the hallway light leaving us in darkness for a few minutes. I heard the bedroom door close and then the light in the room turned on. "Spencer!" I said, overjoyed to see him.

"Kade, what's wrong?" Spencer quickly asked, coming inside. He looked so exhausted yet he still managed to smile at me in a friendly manner.

"I- nothing... I got disoriented." I said, flashing him a quick smile. "Where's Ryan?"

Spencer's smile faltered, "He's asleep in the living room with Jon and Brendon."

"Oh." I said softly. "I don't remember falling asleep in here."

"Brendon carried you in here a few hours ago." Spencer informed me.

I nodded slowly, not sure as to what to say. I didn't want Spencer to leave. I hated feeling so alone in the dark but I couldn't help it. That was something I didn't think I'd get used to anytime soon... The memories came back quickly, haunting me.

"You've been crying." Spencer pointed out, slowly sitting on the bed next to me. I hadn't even noticed the tears staining my face.

I shrugged, "I don't sleep so well."

"What happened?" Spencer asked.

"When?" I played dumb.

Spencer looked towards the ceiling. "All of the times I wasn't around... all of the times you were with your dad. What happened to you Kade? What made you like this? You look like your nightmares are haunting you, even when you're awake." Well that was cheery.

As I looked at Spencer I realized I had never before felt so distant while within touching distance of another. What could I tell Spencer? I could sob, I could break down... I could tell him everything. I could watch his face portray the horror of my past, my most recent encounter with my father... I could watch every happy moment I had with him go down the drain. I could watch his sympathy become the only thing he felt towards me.

I didn't want that though.

"Nothing important." I said, finally meeting Spencer's eyes.

He knew I was lying. That was extremely clear. I didn't care though. I'd rather him think me a liar... than some pathetic person to feel bad for. I wasn't that person. I didn't want his sympathy. Whining about my problems would make nothing better.

"You know... if you ever need to talk that I'm here, right?" Spencer asked quietly, looking at me with concern.

I nodded, "I know. You're such a great guy." I whispered, tears forming in my eyes. Why was this so hard? It wasn't hard with the others. It wasn't Spencer's fault... It was mine. I was making this hard. I wanted Spencer to like me. I wanted him to actually like me. He had said he liked me but... would I ruin that? If he got to know me would those feelings quickly fade? I'd never been able to like myself; how could another person come to like the actual me?

Spencer smiled, "Should I leave?"

"Would you mind staying?" I asked, softly.

Spencer stared in to my eyes for a few minutes and as the silence pressed in around us I was terrified that he was going to decline to stay in the room with me. "I wouldn't mind... if that's what you want." Spencer finally said.

I nodded, "I would really appreciate it."

Spencer stood and I watched as he turned the light off, the bed sinking next to me a few minutes later. "So, you never really told me what kind of things you like..." Spencer said, attempting to make some small talk.

I felt like tiny shards of my soul were tearing through my body as I answered his question truthfully, "I really don't know." I had never really done anything for myself. My life had revolved around abuse and attempting to close the abuse out, which had never worked.

I thought of something and threw it out in to the conversation, "I like to eat." Wow. Made me sound like a fat-ass, especially after my bet with Brendon earlier. "Movies are really nice." Nothing else came to mind. So I like to eat and watch movies? Awesome. I sounded extraordinarily lame. "What about you?"

"Well..." I felt Spencer shifting, "I like this."

"This?" I asked, softly.

"Laying in bed with you, talking." Spencer replied. "It's nice. I've been wanting to since we met." That was sweet. "I like music... I like movies too. Food is always good." He said, and I could hear the amusement in his voice.

Silence fell over us again as I thought over his answer. Then he spoke again, "Could I take you to the movies tomorrow Kade?"

My voice seemed to catch in my throat and I swallowed, trying to force out words. "W-would you like to?"

"That's why I'm asking." He said, chuckling.

"I would like that." I replied, amazed that he wanted to take me out.

"Good." Spencer said, yawning. "How about dinner after?"

"Sounds perfect." I whispered, smiling.

**



The next day I woke up in a trance. I was in a state of bliss. The clock read 2:30 PM and Spencer was still fast asleep. I slowly walked past him in to Ryan's bathroom, grabbing my bag to take with me as I desperately hoped I had some good clothing within it. I hadn't even really paid attention to what Ryan had packed for me.

I started the shower as I rooted through the items in my bag. Luckily my favorite pair of ripped blue jeans were in it along with a black tank top. I pulled that out and then my bag of make up that Ryan must have grabbed off of my dresser. I had to make myself look fanfuckingtastic for Spencer... or as close as I could get to that.

Spencer Smith was taking me out. Was it a date? It had sounded like one. God, I was in some form of heaven. As I stripped I actually found myself softly singing to myself, happily. I hadn't been this happy in a really really long time... and never quite so genuinely.

My happiness faded slightly as I stepped in to the shower and started lathering my body with Ryan's body wash. My entire body... was covered in bruises. Horrible, ugly bruises.

I bit my lip and washed my hair, trying not to think of my battered body. Spencer's image floated in my mind and I smiled... The smile cut off as I imagined his reaction. Would my body disgust him?

A knock on the bathroom door made me jump, not so gracefully slipping. "Ow, yeah?" I called out, standing back up.

"Are you okay Kade?" I heard Spencer ask, opening the door. "I just have to come in for a second... Is that okay? Are you okay?" He repeated.

"Yeah that's fine." I said softly, embarrassed that I had been thinking of him just seconds before. "Just fell."

"Fuck, are you hurt?" Spencer asked. I could hear that he was closer now.

"I'm fine!" I said, quickly. I didn't want him to see my body like this... ever.

"Okay..." Spencer said, unsurely. "So um, I was going to head home so that I can get some new clothes and grab a shower. What time did you want me to pick you up tonight?"

My heart jumped as he mentioned our maybe date. "Uh, whens good for you?"

"How about 6?" Spencer asked.

"6 sounds perfect." I replied, sucking my bottom lip in to my mouth as I nervously thought of what we were going to watch... What would I say? The idea of conversation with Spencer suddenly seemed daunting.

"Looking forward to it then." Spencer stated, "I'll be here later to pick you up. Bye Kade."

"Bye Spencer." I said, slowly drifting in to my blissful existence once again.



***



Six o'clock came quickly.

I was sitting on the couch with Ryan. He was watching some television show that I was too nervous to pay attention to. My blue jeans hung off of my body, making me realize I needed to buy new clothing. Probably pretty soon. My black tank top covered most of my bruises but some were still visible, making me all the more nervous.

I'd applied dark make up and hoped Spencer wouldn't see right through me, trying to be beautiful for him.

"You don't have to be so nervous, you know?" Ryan finally said, glancing at me for the millionth time. "You look gorgeous. I say that as a brother, of course." He said, grinning. "But you'd stun any man."

I smiled shyly at Ryan, "Thanks... But Spencer... I don't know much about him. Like his tastes for instance. What if I'm not the type of girl he's looking for?"

Ryan laughed, "You're a dork. A cute, silly dork... that happens to be the perfect match for Spencer." And just then there was a knock at the door. Ryan stood up. "I'll make myself disappear." He joked, walking to his bedroom.

I took a deep breath and went to the door, just as it opened and hit me in the face. "Ow."

"Fuck!" Spencer said loudly, "I'm sorry... just no one answered and fuck, are you okay?" He asked, glancing at me with worry. "And wow... you look great." He added.

I blushed and laughed, going a deep red from the mixture of amusement and embarrassment. "Thanks and... I'll be fine."

"I'm sorry that I'm late." Spencer said, "Got caught in traffic."

I shrugged, "You're fine."

We nervously stood for a few minutes before Spencer shot me a dazzling smile, "Ready to go?"

As ready as I'll ever be. "Yeah." I said, smiling back at him. Damn, my head hurt.



**



"So, um..." Spencer whispered awkwardly as we sat in the movie theater with the all too graphic child birth scene flashing at us.

"Yeah?" I asked, turning to look at him, using it as an escape from what was happening on screen. Why would he just assume that I liked Twilight?

"Team Jacob is looking better by the second." He whispered, smirk in place.

I couldn't help it... I burst out in laughter, much to everyone's dislike. I got glares from surrounding people but shrugged it off, "Yeah. I agree. I'm sort of against the violent childbirth thing... That's what you get when you cross... species." I said, slightly confused.

Spencer laughed and nodded, "Wanna go?"

"Very much so." I said, standing.

Together we made our way out of the movie theater. Strangely enough... despite the disgusting scene I had just witnessed... I was hungry.

"So... I probably should have asked you if you liked Twilight before I brought you to the movie..." Spencer stated, blushing.

I laughed, "Well hey, I got a yummy slushy out of the ordeal so we can call it good."

"Are you still hungry? Can I still take you to dinner?" Spencer asked, sounding hopeful.

I grinned, "I was kind of counting on it." And with that we got in to his car.



**

"So, you look nice tonight." Spencer said for the millionth time that night. Now I was all for compliments but.... it was starting to wear on the conversation.

"Thanks." I replied, picking up a fork. "What's your favorite thing to eat with?"

"A fork." He stated.

I laughed, "Not chop sticks?"

He shook his head, "Yours?"

"My fingers." I responded, blushing. "It's the easiest most available tool there is."

He nodded, "You're right. I change my answer. I'd rather eat with your fingers too."

I laughed and rolled my eyes, "Your smile lights the room up Spencer."

Spencer blushed, "Shouldn't I be the one saying suave things like that?'

"I was never one to do things the right way I guess."

"It's kind of weird that you're living with my best friend now." Spencer admitted.

I nodded, biting my lip. "I was hoping that wouldn't make things weird between us... It's just... Ryan offered and I really... he made me realize that my home environment isn't the most pleasant." I realized that Ryan had to tell Spencer that he had invited me to live with him... but I was naively hoping to never have to discuss it.

"That's the understatement of the year." Spencer muttered.

I look down at the empty table and shrugged, not wanting to have this discussion... not during a date.

"What would you say if I asked you to move in with me?" Spencer asked quietly.

I felt my heart crash as the night's events boiled down to a badly timed question. "I'd say no." I whispered, not looking at Spencer.

"Why?" Spencer asked. I could tell he was upset.

"You know... I um, I don't feel like eating anymore actually. Would you mind taking me home?" I asked, uncomfortable with the current situation.

"No, I won't take you home." Harsh. "I want to talk about this. Why won't you move in with me?"

"I don't want to live with you. I just moved in with Ryan. I think I've done enough moving in for the week." I responded, getting frustrated at Spencer now.

"I don't want you living with my friend." Harsh again.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Because you should be living with me."

"That doesn't make sense at all." I pointed out.

"Please Kade." Spencer pleaded.

I shook my head, "Pressuring me isn't going to get you anywhere Spencer. That's the end of the conversation. I am not moving in with you."

"Just tell me why you won't."

"Because with you it would be different." I told Spencer, standing. "Or it would have been. With you it would have been more than just friends. Or that's what I had been hoping for, maybe. Maybe... it would be different because I view Ryan as a brother and I viewed you as a possible boyfriend."

"Viewed?" Spencer asked, picking up on the usage of past tense.

I nodded, "I can't date someone that feels the need to pressure me after I've said no about something." I stood.

Spencer stood as well. I shook my head, "Don't follow me. It really wouldn't be romantic right now." I warned him.

Slowly he sat, looking crestfallen. I pulled my cell phone out and called Brendon, not wanting to deal with Ryan's questions.

He picked up on the third ring, "Yessss, my princess?" Brendon asked.

I rolled my eyes but had to fight the grin from spreading over my face, "Pick me up?" I asked.

"Course. Where you at?"

I gave him the address and then hung up, waiting for him.

Why did things with Spencer have to be complicated? Had I overreacted? Yes, I had. I didn't like feeling pressured though. I thought Spencer was above that. I couldn't move in with Spencer. It would be different. It would be very different.

**

It just turned out to be my luck that Spencer came out of the restaurant about two minutes before Brendon pulled up, waving at me.

Spencer took one look at him and walked right past me, leaving me standing there. That horrible sinking sensation really did suck. I was starting to get used to it though.

I was so thankful that Brendon didn't force questions upon me as soon as I slid in to the passenger seat of his car. His only question was one that made me smile, "Alcohol?"