FicWad

Chapter 3

I’m Not O Fucking Kay

-Monday-

“Ugh…kill me now,” I whined as Gerard drove me to school. Come on Tristan, you can do it. This is the last week of your high school career.

“Oh…come on…you only have one more week…just keep telling yourself that,” Gerard smiled at me sweetly. Why was he always so calming?

He stopped in front of the school where everyone was standing waiting for the bell.

I spotted Troy, Jared, and all their ridiculous friends. They watched me closely and the thought came to me that I had no one while I was at school.

I was completely alone.

My stomach churned.

I had a great weekend and now I have to go back to hell.

I smiled weakly at Gerard and leaned in for a hug. He surprised me with a kiss on the cheek. I flushed and said, “Bye, I’ll see you after school.” What the hell was he trying now? Well he is sending mixed signals. I can’t handle this kind of pressure.

“I’ll be right here,” He smiled.

I got out of the car and walked through the crowd and into the looming school entrance. I heard some people behind me, but I didn’t dare look back.

“So you’re dating that freak now?” Jared asked from behind me. Why did he care who I dated and who I didn’t date?

I didn’t answer him, no point; he would believe what he wanted to believe.

I can’t believe I ever dated him. He was rude, mean, petty, arrogant, self-centered, narcissistic, and abusive. He was physically and mentally abusive and I was done with him when he beat me after his team lost a basketball game. Like it was my fault they lost. I never had sex with him or anyone for that matter. I hadn’t found the right person for that yet. Jared hated that I wouldn’t have sex with him and it just made him angry. He still hated me for that and made my life a living hell while I was at school. All the pranks and rumors were all him and Troy.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” Jared yelled at me and grabbed my arm. I was flung around and pushed violently against lockers. Jared was now in my face. “Why are you ignoring me you fucking bitch?” Jared’s face was now inches away from my face. He had me pinned and I tried to wiggle my way out of his grasp, but he was way stronger than me.

“Let me go, Jared!” I cried out in pain.

He put his hand over my mouth and whispered in my ear, “Shut the fuck up and listen to me…if I ever see you with that fucker ever again, I will personally see that you can’t go anywhere for a month. Do you remember the lessons I taught you when we were together? Yea, you won’t ever forget that…” He smiled and my eyes grew wider with terror.

I fought against his grip.

“I mean it! If I can’t have you, no one else will,” Jared screamed, kissed me hard, and let me go.

I fell to the ground and everyone walked over me. I sat against the lockers for a few moments, waiting for all the other students to go to class. Why was he threatening me now? What the hell have I done to deserve this?

I grabbed my bag, got up, and went to class…I tried to hide that I hated every second that I had to be there.

No one said anything to me the entire day. I turned in all my final papers and received all my notes for my final tests that I was scheduled to take on Wednesday.

When the bell rang to signify the end of the school day, I walked quickly to my locker. This time I was just shoved against the locker, but not shoved into it. It hurt, but I didn’t fuss over it.

Just four more days, well three, but who’s counting, I thought to myself.

I grabbed my bag and started down the hall and out the exit. I saw Gerard waiting for me in his car.

I went to the top of the stairs and waved to him. He waved back and smiled.

Suddenly I felt a push from behind, which sent me down the steps and tumbling to the ground. I scrapped my knees and hit my head so hard that it knocked me out. The last thing I remember was hitting the ground, then blackness.

“TRISTAN!” Gerard was at my side and holding my head in his lap, “Are you ok?” He kept asking frantically.

My eyes fluttered open and met Gerard’s scared face. I was laid out on the ground, surrounded by familiar, yet strange faces.

“What…happened…?” I asked felling dizzy and disoriented.

“You were pushed down the stairs by Troy! I can’t fucking believe that fucking asshole! If I see him again I will kill him!”Gerard managed to say through gritted teeth to where only I could hear it.

“Don’t…” I put on my hand on his cheek and he calmed down a bit from seeing the look in my eyes.

“Can you move or get up?” Gerard asked as he got up from the ground.

“I can try…” I said weakly and I shifted so he could help me get up.

Gerard put both of his hands under my arms and lifted me up and let go, but when he did I swayed and he had to catch me.

I looked up at him with a smile and said, “Thank you for catching me.” His arms were still around me.

“You’re welcome, Tristan,” Gerard said and then swept me up off my feet and rushed me to his car.

When Gerard got in the driver’s seat, I noticed that his face was different. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” Gerard replied and he pulled the car out onto the main road. He was angry.

“No please don’t…I hate going to the hospital…you know that…I’ve been in too many and I don’t want to go…please,” I kept begging him. Please don’t take me to the hospital. Please. I was begging inside my head too.

“Tristan…stop…ok, we won’t go. I’m just worried about you. You hit your head really hard…that fucking bastard…” Gerard pounded his fists against the steering wheel in anger.

“Please calm down, Gerard…that’s the way they treat me every day. You just haven’t seen it till now because I haven’t spent a week with you in like a year. I have three more days and I’ll be free…” I went on and Gerard cut me off.

“That is fucking ridiculous! There is no reason for you to have had to go through all that! I never realized how bad it was till I saw Troy’s face as he came up behind you and ruthlessly pushed you…Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was?” Gerard was angry and kept talking.

“I didn’t want to whine about my life everyday…I just dealt with it,” I said weakly.

“Tristan…” Gerard shook his head and put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder as he drove to his house.

I was feeling a bit better when we got there, but Gerard wouldn’t let me walk to the house. He lifted me up like he did before and took me down to the basement and set me down on the couch.

“Gerard! What is wrong with Tristan?!” Donna came rushing into his room and came to my side.

“I fell down the stairs at school,” I lied and I shot a glance at Gerard, who was shocked by my answer. What? I don’t need her to know my school life was shit too.

“Yea, I saw it happen. She hit her head and scrapped both of her knees on the concrete,” He said pointing to my knees. Good thing I was wearing shorts because that fall would have ruined a good pair of my jeans. Why would I care to ruin a pair of jeans? Wow the random things that pop into my head.

“Oh my, hold on and I will fix you right up,” Donna scampered down the hall and up the stairs.
“Why did you lie to my mom?” Gerard asked as soon as Donna was out of ear shot.

“I didn’t want to bother her with my problems...you already know and that’s too many people,” I answered him.

“Tristan…” Gerard started to say something, but I think changed his mind, “Are you ok?” He sat down next to me and put his arm around me.

I nodded hoping he would buy that as an answer.

Donna came back and washed my knees with soap and water. Then she used alcohol and I winced in pain.

Gerard held me against his chest and I had to steady my breathing because the pain was intense, but there was nothing I or anyone could do about that.

I couldn’t have any pain medication of any kind because my body rejects it. If I had any I could have seizures and in some extreme cases, die. I was like one in a billion to have this problem and they figured it out when I was one year old when my parents gave me baby Tylenol and I went into a violent seizure and had to be rushed to the hospital. I have to carry around a case in my bag just in case of this problem. The medicine comes in a syringe and has to be put in my thigh, it induces vomiting just in case what ever I was given or I took was ingested and it also gives my body a shot of adrenaline to wake up from my seizures, so it stops the seizures too.

I’ve only had to use it once in my entire life and it was when I was ten and I accidentally took some aspirin. Frank had to inject me and call 911 to take me to the hospital. Now Frank makes sure I always have my case with me everywhere we go.

The only ones who know about my condition are my family, Gerard, Mikey, Donna, Don, Gerard’s grandparents, and my cousin, Blaine. We try to keep it quiet, because you never know who you can trust this day in time.

I also have breathing issues when I get sick, bad ear infections, and I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. Frank is the same as me on these. We were both in and out of hospitals our entire lives. We have both been lucky the last couple years to not have to go to one.

“I know honey…I’m sorry…I don’t want to hurt you, but I gotta make sure it’s clean…we don’t need it to get infected,” Donna tried to comfort me.

“I understand, it just burns,” I replied, clutching Gerard’s hands and he just let me squeeze the hell out of his hands.

Donna finished and wrapped both of my knees and she got up, kissed my forehead, and said, “I’m gonna bring you ice for your head.”

Donna brought me an ice pack and then left the room to go back up stairs.

I leaned back against Gerard and I closed my eyes.

“How’s your head feeling?” Gerard asked.

“Like I was dropped on it,” I giggled slightly and winced at my mistake.

Gerard tightened his arms around me and I felt safe in his arms. We remained like this for quite some time in silence. We just listened to each other’s breathing. It was so comforting and soothing.

That ended when Kat was banging on the door not too long after that.

He would never be mine. This was depression creeping up on me.

Gerard shot up and I watched as he went outside to talk to her. I was glad she didn’t come in. I could hear that they were arguing, we she was, he was just standing there taking her bullshit. I hate her so much, I thought to myself. I hate her because she’s rude, and a bitch, and she’s got…..him.

I then grabbed my bag and pulled out my study guides and my black rimmed reading glasses, so I could start studying. My head was still aching, but not as bad as it was.

I kept getting distracted by the muffled voices of Gerard and Kat outside. I felt sorry for Gerard. He needed to find someone else, someone who would love him and support him through all his problems with depression and someone who would stand by him no matter what happened. I would be all those things, but I know I would never have that opportunity.

A few minutes later, Gerard came back in and slammed the door. His face was red and he looked thoroughly pissed off.

“I can’t fucking believe her!” He yelled and he crashed against me on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” I asked looking at him over my study guides.

“She’s still pissed about Saturday night. She thinks I chose you over her…which I kinda did, but your engagement was more important than her getting drunk…whatever…I’m not even gonna stress over that…” Gerard answered. He then, I guess he was searching for a distraction; he grabbed my study guides out of my hands and began waving them above my head.

“Hey I need those!” I tried to grab them back, but he hopped up off the couch and I followed him and he continued to wave them above my head.

I tried to get to them, but me being only five feet tall made that task impossible and Gerard knew that.

“Come on…give those…that’s not fair…come on…I’m too short for this…grr…please stop!” I was giggling the whole time. He was laughing and pushing me gently away from him.

“No come on…try again…you can do it…jump higher…” He giggled and waved the papers higher.

I finally tackled him and we both landed on his bed. Gerard was on his back and I was straddling him. He kept giggling and he finally threw the papers off the bed and I watched them fly to the floor.

Gerard placed both of his hands on my waist and I had mine on his chest. If anybody would have walked in, they would have thought some dirty things. We both kept giggling and smiling at each other. We eventually stopped and we stared at each other.

Gerard leaned up and I leaned down…our lips were barely touching when…

“Dinner is ready!” Mikey yelled from the top of the stairs. I groaned inwardly. Why does this keep happening? Goddamnit!

Gerard and I stopped our movement and stared into each other’s eyes and then we were both embarrassed. And that feeling of awkwardness crept back into the basement. God why? I hate this!

I crawled off him and we both silently walked up to the kitchen.

-Tuesday-

I was sitting in the desolate library after school studying for my finals. Gerard wouldn’t be here till six and I was growing anxious. He was pitching a cartoon idea and I had my fingers crossed for him. Nothing was awkward between us, but we tried not to touch each other after last night. Everything was confusing to me about us. He didn’t want me. Why would he want me?
I was deep into my studies that I lost track of the time and at six fifteen, Gerard came into the library and said, “Hey we gotta go! Frank is gonna kill us if we are late…” He rushed me out the door and to the car.

We drove to Trenton. Pencey Prep had another gig tonight which included me as their drummer. I was nervous and I had my finals tomorrow. I had more than enough on my plate at this point in time.

Gerard agreed to quiz me tonight between time for the show and the show and then after the show.

Mikey was in the backseat watching everything and quizzing me while Gerard was driving.

“This is damn ridiculous…I’ve had enough studying, Tristan,” Mikey said as he threw the papers back at me.

“Oh come on, Mikey…I need to study and quizzing me helps…”I protested and put on a pout. Mikey just laughed it off.

When we made to the venue, Gerard parked and all three of us walked to the back door of the club and found Frank. He was with the rest of Pencey Prep. Gerard and I sat on the couch and he quizzed me for a while. The others talked amongst themselves while we were busy.

Five minutes before we went on stage, Gerard said, “Good luck, Tristan. I can’t wait to see you rock the house away!” He hugged me and so did Mikey. They went out into the crowd and disappeared.

We played a seven song set and I was so high on the stage yet again. I couldn’t believe the amazing feeling that playing on the stage gave me. I loved every second of it. I was so happy…
Gerard, Mikey, and I went back to their house after, I got a quick shower, and then stayed up till four in the morning studying with Gerard.

Gerard and I lay in his bed and studied till I finally fell asleep. Gerard didn’t leave my side.

-Wednesday-

Seven-thirty on Wednesday morning, far too early to be alive, but of course the state of New Jersey doesn't give a damn about that. Time for school, you lazy fuckers. Don't want to be one of those nobodies we're so known for. Gerard’s alarm clock was making an utterly ear-piercing buzzing noise, but not for long; I reached out from under black bedding and whacked the snooze button with all the force a disgruntled, sleepy teenager can muster.

I groaned, and rolled over. Weak sunlight made its way through the cracks in his blinds and with unfair pinpoint accuracy fell right onto my closed eyelids. I yanked the comforter up over my face in response. I didn't want to get up; not then, not ever. It was warm underneath the covers and I was so goddamn tired, I could've slept for a month and still have needed to sleep more. I burrowed deeper into my dark cocoon and drifted into a viscous half-sleep.

Something was thrown at me and landed on my chest. Startled from my warm reverie, I groaned again.

"The fuck," I mumbled, and curled my knees to my chest. It's too early for this shit.

"Come on, Trist, high school beckons. Can't you hear the siren song? You’re gonna be late if you don’t get up right now…"

There were only two people on Earth who had ever called me Trist, and only one of them was prone to speaking like the sing-song voice from above me just had.

"Gerard, you bitch. I want to sleep." I groaned out loud.

Another something was thrown at me, and narrowly missed my head. "Well, good morning to you too, Sunshine." His tone was teasing. "Come on, get up. There's a lot to do today."

I muttered curse words that Gerard couldn't hear as I sat up, stretching my arms over my head and yawning wider than my face would allow me. I shoved the covers away, reluctantly, and swung myself around so my legs were dangling off the side of the bed, then rubbed the lingering sleep from my eyes and ran my hands through my hair. "Okay, I'm up." I glanced up and smiled.

Gerard was sitting in his desk chair, feet up on the chipped and worn oak desk, like always. He was in his perpetual uniform; black Chucks, black jeans, white t-shirt, black leather jacket. "Congrats, you've made it past the first level. Now for Level Two: Showering." He was chipper for it being early.

"I think I'll be skipping a shower today." I stumbled into the adjacent bathroom and turned on the faucet in the sink. I stifled another yawn as I reached for my toothbrush. "It'd take me a month to get dirty enough that people could smell it. Plus I really don’t have time…” I laughed at the thought of actually stinking. I brushed my teeth quickly, then splashed my face with cold water and shoved my hair up into a messy ponytail.

Gerard was sitting on his bed when I walked back into his bedroom and started sifting through my clothes that were piled on the floor next to the couch.

"Well, I'll notice you reek. At least extend the courtesy of fabric freshener. Or perfume…" He pointedly wrinkled his nose as I walked past him.

"You don't count." I picked up a black tee shirt and a pair of tattered jeans, both only slightly ripe and therefore recyclable. I pulled these on, and then walked back into the bathroom, staring at my reflection in the mirror for a moment.

Gerard raised his eyebrows when I returned and announced I was finished. "You forgot something," he said, and tossed a bottle of perfume to me and then a stick of deodorant. I rolled my eyes but obliged…I didn’t really smell…I just didn’t feel like showering that very morning.

I grabbed my bag and we walked to his car. Gerard pulled out and sped down the road.

We made it just in time for the bell. I got out of the car and ran toward the school entrance.
I heard Gerard yell behind me, “Good luck, Tristan!! See you after school!!”

I waved as I went through the door and to my first class. I was just in time for a hellish final.

I sat in my regular seat in the back and waited for my test. The first went by quickly. The rest of the day dragged on with final after final. By the time I was done with all my finals, my head felt like it might burst.

I was so happy when the final bell rang that I actually smiled. I grabbed my bag and headed to my locker for the last time. I opened the locker and put all my stuff into my bag and then Troy shoved me into it and slammed the door on me.

“I will always be around to torture you!” Troy screamed through the vent and laughed.

Jared then came over and said, “Don’t forget what I told you the other day…if I can’t have you…no one can…”

“Let me out of here!!” I screamed and slammed my fists against the locker door. “This isn’t funny GODDAMMIT! LET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE! SOMEBODY LET ME OUT OF HERE!!” I yelled till my face turned red. The hall was empty so I gave up trying to get someone’s attention.

I stood there for about twenty minutes in silence trying to steady my breathing. This is bullshit! Why do they feel the need to torture me? I can’t stand this shit! I hate my life!

“Tristan?” Gerard called down the hall.

“I’m in here…” I said from the locker.

“Where? Which locker are you in again?” Gerard asked.

“613…” I answered quietly.

“Oh…Here it is…ok give me a second…and oh…” Gerard said and opened the locker, helping me out of the locker.

“Last time,” I smiled and hugged him.

“What time is rehearsal tomorrow?” Gerard asked as we walked down the hall together.

“At one to three and then Friday I graduate at four in the auditorium,” I smiled and Gerard opened the door for me. “Why thank you kind sir…” I giggled.

“My lady…” Gerard said and bowed…I giggled again and we walked to the car to go home.

-Thursday-

Thursday went by in a blur of rehearsal and walking. Gerard picked me up at three and we hung out at his house that night.

I was sitting on the couch watching television and Gerard was at his desk, drawing.

“So who all is coming to your graduation other than me, Mikey, Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa?” Gerard asked while looking up from his work.

“Um…I think Frank, Jamia, my dad, my mom, my Grandpa Iero, and Blaine, my cousin,” I answered.

“That’s quite a few people…so many people are so happy to see you succeed in graduating so early…” Gerard replied.

I smiled and went on watching an old horror movie. I guess this will be the only time for me to shine. Will I ever make everyone happy?

-Friday- Graduation Day!

At one I was at my house in my bedroom looking at myself in the mirror.

“I look ridiculous,” I said out loud. I hate myself!

“You look fabulous!! Smokin’ hot!” Blaine said still trying to curl my hair. He had been at it for over an hour because my hair was so thick.

My hair was parted extremely from the left and curled in a spiral down my back. I had black makeup on my eyes and I was wearing knee high converse with a black short sleeved dress with zippers all over it. My very open and gay cousin, Blaine was helping me with my hair and he helped pick out the dress.

“Yea right!” I laughed. I’m hideous! I don’t know why everyone is making such a big fuss over me all of a sudden. They were never around otherwise.

“Whatever…I bet Gerard will drool over you tonight…” Blaine snickered.

“What?! No he won’t!” I flushed. He would never leave her for me.

Half an hour later I was at the Way house with my family and his. They all took turns in pictures and taking pictures. My favorite pose was with Gerard and there were more than one picture with him. Why can’t I have him?

At three, we all piled into multiple vehicles to go to the Belleville High School.

I rode with Gerard, Blaine, and Mikey. I had my black cap and gown on and no one had seen what I had on underneath except Blaine.

“Are you ready?” Gerard asked while taking my hand and helping me out of the car.

I smiled and answered, “More than you know…”

Every one of my friends and family arrived and we all took pictures again in front of the school. I then went and sat in my spot amongst the two hundred other students. We were the class of 2001!

I sat there while the ceremony began. I was placed next to Jared, Troy, and their friends and that sucked, but I tried not to pay any attention to them.

I was in the back row, so I turned around to see the stands behind me in the auditorium. I saw Gerard, Mikey, Donna, Don, Grandma Rush, Grandpa Rush, Blaine, Frank, Jamia, Mom, Dad, and Grandpa. I waved at them and smiled. Mikey and Gerard gave me thumbs up and they yelled my name. I smiled and turned back around. I liked this support. Would they always be there?
The graduation went on for what seemed like forever. We all started going up to the stage to get our diplomas when our names were called. I was nervous, but happy at the same time. I was last to be called because of where I was in the back row.

“Tristan Analeigh Iero,” The principal called my name. I walked up the steps, got my diploma, and shook his hand.

“Yay!”

“Go Tristan!”

“TRISTAN!”

“WHOA!!”

I heard all of this behind me. They were cheering for me and I smiled in their direction. I then waited for the class to be presented.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your class of 2001 at Belleville High School!
Congratulations!”Our principal announced and we all threw our caps into the air.

Cheering was had and I grabbed my cap from the ground and made my way toward my friends and family.

I finally found all their smiling faces and I hugged all of them several times and thanked them all for coming. We all then took pictures yet again. Gerard held my hand through all of my congratulations. What’s with the mixed signals? I turned in my cap and gown and picked up my last report card and then rode with Mikey, Gerard, and Blaine back to the Way house for a small get together.

At eight, we were all back at the Way house. I was standing in the living room talking to my parents and Grandma Rush about my grades and how happy I was to be finished with high school.
Gerard was standing in the doorway to the kitchen just watching my every move. He was totally staring at me. I think it was the dress…nobody had seen me like this…ever. I didn’t go to prom because I was too young and the school wouldn’t let me. I didn’t care anyway, so I dressed in either jeans or shorts most of the time.

“How were your grades?” Grandma Rush asked.

“All A’s, Grandma,” I smiled and she hugged me. I loved them so much.

“I’m so proud of you,” My father announced to the entire house. I smiled and my parents both hugged me.

Later…

Blaine came up to me and said, “We should totally sing!” He pointed to the piano.

I giggled and asked, “What do you have in mind?”

“What song, Tristan?” Donna asked as she sat down at the piano. I guessed she overheard our conversation.

“Let’s do…John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’,” I answered while Blaine and I walked over to stand next to the piano.

Jamia and Frank followed up. Frank stood next to me and Jamia stood with Blaine. I looked back to see Gerard watching us.

Donna started playing the piano.

Jamia and Frank sang the first verse, all four of us sang the chorus, and Blaine and I sang the second verse.

I watched Gerard watch me sing. His eyes were sparkling. Why was he watching me like that?

The rest of the night we all sang, ate, and talked. Everyone left around one in the morning. I stayed the night with Gerard again.

Don, Grandma Rush, Grandpa Rush, Grandpa Iero, Mom, Dad, Frank, Jamia, and Blaine left one right after the other. I thanked them all for coming and celebrating my graduation. Mikey hugged me goodnight, so did Donna and I thanked her for everything, before Gerard and I disappeared down into the basement for the rest of the night. Gerard watched me walk into his room and I shot him a what are you looking at look and he smiled at my mean face. We both giggled.

“Um...I need your help with this dress…” I awkwardly asked, as I took off my knee high converse and socks.

Gerard closed the door to his room, which he rarely did and he turned and stared at me.

“What do you need me to do?” Gerard nearly whispered. Why was he acting so strangely?

“There is a zipper in the back that I can’t reach,” I replied as I slowly walked toward him.

Gerard watched me slowly walk toward him. I turned around and moved my hair out of the way. I felt is hands trail up my back. They were trembling. Why was he nervous? Gerard then stopped and said, “Wait…I have to draw you…would that be ok?”

I turned back to face him, his face was strange. I then replied, “Sure…where do you want me?”
I was really excited to be his model. He’d drawn me several times before without me knowing, but I didn’t mind. This time was different. He actually wanted me to pose for him. My heart was racing.

Gerard then took my hand and stood me up next to his desk. “Stand very still and try not to move…” he grinned at me.

I stood there and watched his face as he concentrated on drawing. I couldn’t see what he was drawing, but his face was soft and he smiled at me every time our eyes met. It took about twenty minutes for him to complete his work.

“All done,” Gerard held up the dark drawing. It was amazingly dark and yet beautiful.

“I’m speechless…you are a truly amazing artist…” I couldn’t take my eyes off the picture.
Gerard seemed very pleased with my reaction.

He then proceeded to get up, go over to a box in his room, and grabbed an empty black picture frame. He put the drawing in the frame and then hung it on his wall next to others he’d drawn.

“I’m glad you like it and I found a perfect place for it,” Gerard finished hanging it.

“Wow…” Was all I could manage to say. I can’t stand this tension between us. Why was I so drawn to him?

“Oh stop it Tristan,” Gerard blushed and then waved me over to him. “Let me get that zipper now.”

I walked over toward him and turned like I had before and pulled my hair out of the way. His trembling hands found the zipper and slowly began unzipping the dress. His hands brushed up against the bare skin of my back slightly and I felt my skin catch fire. The zipper stopped just above my butt, but his fingers lingered for a moment.

“Thank you,” I whispered and I turned around to face him. His face was soft yet sad. He moved closer to me and I let him move to where our bodies were touching. Gerard stroked my cheek with his hand and he leaned down slightly and softly kissed my forehead. I sighed and thought about how much I wanted him. What is this? Why can’t I have him? Why won’t he just be mine? We lingered like this for a while. He was holding me against him and I had my arms wrapped around his waist.

I finally pulled away and went into the bathroom. I closed the doors just before the tears fell for the first time in a couple years. Why did I feel this way toward my best friend? Why did I want him so badly? It’s never gonna happen…I kept telling myself. I never cry…why was I doing it now? I find that crying shows weakness, so I was shocked when I closed the bathroom door and tears began rolling down my cheeks.

I decided a shower would help calm my nerves. I stopped crying while I was in the shower. I was right it did help. I got out, dried off, and got dressed in an old black tee shirt and short shorts. I dried my hair with a towel, brushed it, and put it up in a messy bun. I put the towel in the hamper and slowly walked back into Gerard’s room.

He had changed into shorts and a tee shirt. He was now sitting at his desk, drawing. I went over the couch and sat down.

Gerard turned around, looked at me, and asked, “Are you ok?” I wasn’t crying anymore, why would he ask that?

“Yea, I’m fine…why you ask?” I wondered.

“I thought I heard you crying when you went into the bathroom,” he answered, still watching me. He knows. Oh God why me? Kill me!

“Nope. Not sure what you heard…are you ok?” I replied feeling a bit ashamed for lying to him. I’m so weak!

“Yup…just fine…a little tired. I think I’m gonna draw a bit in bed. Do you wanna join?” Gerard asked.

I thought for a minute. I’m getting mixed signals yet again. I need time away from him and all these feelings. I finally answered, “Sure.”

We both snuggled up in his bed together. He drew while I lay against his shoulder and watched. I want him so badly.

I’m not sure what time it was when we fell asleep, but I awoke suddenly in the middle of the night. I couldn't remember if it was a dream or even if maybe an atomic bomb had went off or something. I noticed Gerard's arm was over me. I got my own arm and brought it out from under the blankets so I could hold his hand. Through the open curtain, I saw that the sun was just beginning to rise. I just stayed there where I was. It seemed perfect; Gerard having his arms around me while I watched the sunrise.

I smiled. Smiling wasn't very hard when I was around Gerard, but it was normally when I had forgotten about my pain, but now I was fully aware of it.

I noticed that I was crying. A tear dripped off my face, I didn't want to move and wake up Gerard. I sniffled.

"You okay?" Gerard asked. I jumped, I didn't know he had been up with me all this time, or did he just wake up?
"Yeah," I smiled while a few more tears went down my face, “I am."

Gerard tightened his arm around me and said, “Go back to sleep, Tristan…” I wondered if he was half asleep or he actually just wanted to hold me.