Categories > TV > WWE > The Misadventures of the Motor City Machine Guns
The Misadventures of the Motor City Machine Guns
0 reviewsWhen you're this sexy and talented, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Just ask Shelley and Sabin. Chaptered fic. Co-written.
0Unrated
"Stop the car!"
"Oh, come on, it'll be fine-"
"Dude, the oil light is not flashing, it's BURNING CONTINUOUSLY. Stop the car!"
"Shut up, would ya?" Alex Shelley mumbled as he focused on the road ahead.
"I would like to live to see 29. Which means we get some oil in this car, and then get the hell out of here."
"Where are we gonna go? It's fucking 2 a.m."
Chris Sabin eyed his surroundings nervously as he stepped out of the passenger side of their rental car.
"Isn't there some kind of 24 hour place open? One that sells motor oil?"
"Yeah, probably," Alex sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "But I'm not exactly familiar with this area."
"And isn't it kinda creepy to you how every building looks the same?"
"Yeah, it is, but didn't the girls say this is typical of southern towns?" Chris questioned as he fiddled with the radio.
"Probably. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention." Alex answered, with a shrug of his shoulder.
"Yeah, you were too busy picturing other things."
The younger of the two shot his friend a dirty look.
"And what's that supposed to mean, huh? You trying to say this is MY fault?"
"Well, if the shoe fits..."
"Oh, cram it, Sabin, like you weren't picturing Red in lingerie." Alex exited the car.
"I was not."
"Right, and Lacey really is a virgin like she claims to be. C'mon, you were so. You practically turned into a tomato. Don't lie."
"I'm not lying, and I can't help I turn red easily!" His friend's cheeks were a shade of bright pink, and he was trying desperately to deny the claim.
"Yeah, sure you weren't." Shelley shook his head. "You're almost as bad as Tina at lying, and she's horrible."
He glanced warily at the car. "Why fail me now, huh?"
"Because this is our luck. We already had that show in the middle of Redneck Hell, now we're deeper in than ever, and stranded." Sabin groaned.
"You think if I kick it, that will fix the problem?" Alex mused as he rubbed his chin.
"You think abusing the car is going to put oil in it?" Chris shook his head.
"Hey, at this point, I'll try anything," Shelley replied.
"How about we try walking towards that gas station up there instead, huh?" Chris nodded in the direction of a gas station just across the street.
"Sure. You go first." Shelley pushed his best friend in front of him.
"Oh no, you're the one who wanted to go to West Virginia, YOU go first."
"I didn't hear you complaining earlier!" Alex shouted.
"We weren't stranded in redneck hell earlier!" Chris protested as he tried to maneuver around his friend.
"Dude, quit arguing and walk already. I'm getting the heebie-jeebies."
With a growl, the fauxhawked man was seized by the shoulders and shoved ahead.
"Then RUN."
"Ow! What did you do that for?" Shelley yelled, rubbing his shoulders.
"Because this is YOUR fault. And you're going first. Hurry it up, I think I hear banjos."
"It's not my fault the car crapped out on us. I told you to check the oil, Sabin. Or were you too busy picturing Red in your, ah, bed?"
The younger man snickered as he said this.
Sabin turned purple, and shot a scathing glare at his best friend.
"I was not picturing her anywhere, thank you. And if I remember correctly, the DRIVER is supposed to check the oil."
"According to…?" Shelley questioned, clearly confused.
"According to me, that's who," Chris replied affirmatively.
Shelley rolled his eyes and shoved Sabin roughly.
"And quit ignoring what I said earlier, you were picturing Red in lingerie. Or nothing at all. In your bed."
"I wasn't the one pitching a tent in my pants at the mention of a policewoman outfit." Chris retorted with a snort. "So it seems to me that you have no room to talk."
"No, you were picturing her in a schoolgirl costume. Did the fantasy include her with a ruler?" Shelley questioned, smirking at the reaction he was getting from his tag team partner.
"I wasn't picturing her in any way, shape, or form," Chris insisted, wishing that Alex would just drop it already.
"Alright, stop it with this lying business. Look, Sabin, I'm your best friend. I'm not gonna bust your chops over it. So drop it, yeah?"
He shook his head as they continued walking, fully expecting a punch from his tag team partner.
Rather than punch the younger man, Sabin opted to shove his hands in his pockets and mumble quietly.
"Didn't we talk about your projection issues? Come on, louder." Shelley gestured with his hands as he spoke. "Speak up."
"Cram it, would ya?"
"Hold still," Alex said, as he reached into his pocket and pulled his cell phone out. Confused, Chris asked,
"What are you doing?"
"I wanna take a picture of this for later. Red needs to see this."
This time, Alex received a rather hard punch in the shoulder.
"Don't you DARE."
"You punch me one more time, and I'm gonna send a text with it telling her that you mumble her name in your sleep," Shelley threatened, smirking at the older man.
"Nice try, you don't have her number."
"Ah, but Tina does," Alex replied, holding a finger up. "You underestimate me-yet again."
"Ah, yes, but I'm sure she wouldn't give that number to anyone without Red's permission," the other half of the Motor City Machine Guns replied.
"Yeah, normally that would be the case, but you're not just anyone, now are you? Apparently Red has quite the crush on you."
By this point the two had reached the service station, and with his face turning a nice shade of red, Chris shoved Alex through the door.
"I mean it, Sabin, you shove me one more time-" He was interrupted by a portly man standing behind the counter.
"Can I help you boys with somethin'?"
"Yeah, we had to stop our car a mile or so back, we need some motor oil."
The man nodded and stepped out from behind the counter, as he wiped his hands on his overalls.
"Oil's on the third aisle." He pointed. "Holler if ya'll need help."
"Will do, thanks."
"Dude, what kinda oil are we looking for?" Chris whispered as they walked.
Alex peered at his friend questioningly, and paused for a second before he retorted,
"...What do you mean, what kind of oil are we looking for? I thought you knew!"
"It's your car! I thought you knew!" Sabin yelled, panicked.
"It's a rental, I didn't bother looking at the sticker!"
"Nice one, Alex," Chris groaned. "Do you ever pay attention to anything NOT video game related?"
"Yeah, I pay attention to everything about Tina."
This answer was met with a sigh.
"Let me rephrase, do you ever pay attention to anything NOT video game or Tina related?"
"...I'm offended." Shelley said, feigning hurt. Sabin shook his head.
"Shut up and take this, I think it'll work."
Alex huffed as he snatched the bottle from Chris's hand.
"I reckon we'll find out."
"Yeah, I guess we—" Sabin paused, the previous remark registering in his brain. Had his best friend just used a Southern word?
"Dude, you said RECKON."
"I did NOT." Shelley insisted, his face going red.
"Yeah, you did," Chris replied with a nod of his head. "You said, and I quote, 'I RECKON we'll find out.'" He choked back a laugh.
"Says the man who openly admits to watching "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas". By the way, the girls were highly amused by that."
Sabin's face turned pale as he realized what his best friend had just said.
"You-YOU TOLD THEM THAT?"
"I didn't exactly HAVE to, Tina heard you say it," the former X-Division champion stated.
"Why didn't you lie and tell her she heard wrong or something?" Chris' face was now a shade of green.
"Oh relax, would ya? They both thought it was funny, and are openly busting my chops over it." The faux haired man laughed.
"Something about you having good taste in movies and me needing to see it."
"Hmph." Sabin shoved his hand in his pockets. "And they're right, you need to see that and 9-5. I can't believe you didn't know that Dolly Parton was an actress too."
"Gimme a break, would ya? I know nothing about country music!"
"And yet you're dating a southerner. And you stranded us in redneck HELL on the way to visit her." Chris shook his head once again as they reached the counter.
"Gimme the cash, Alex, so we can get the hell out of here."
Alex fished his wallet out of his pocket, glaring at the blue eyed man as he handed him a five dollar bill.
"What are you glaring at?" Chris plopped the bill down on the counter.
"You, for busting my chops. You're suppoesd to be on MY side here." Shelley pouted childishly as he spoke.
"And what indication did I give you that I'm not on your side?" His friend questioned.
"Their side is prettier."
"Come on, that was a joke, 'Lex."
"Oh, I see how it is, you're just siding with them because of a certain North Carolinian."
"No, that has nothing to do with it," Chris replied as he pushed the door open. "Did you WANT me to say that you're pretty?"
"Eat me," was the reply he received.
"How long have you wanted me to?" Sabin fired back, a devious look on his face and a twinkle in his eyes.
"Not funny."
Alex glared daggers at the cackling blonde, who was now stumbling along ahead of him.
"Au contraire, I think it's hilarious, and I believe if we actually called and asked Tina, she'd agree."
"...I hate you," Alex mumbled as they crossed the parking lot. "You don't play fair."
"Is it my fault your girlfriend takes my side?"
"Yes, because according to them you're "puppy dog cute". Hmph. They don't have to deal with you on a daily basis."
"What?" The older man laughed. "I AM puppy dog cute. I AM cuddly. Don't hate, appreciate."
"Shut your mouth and pop the hood."
"Pop it yourself." Sabin snapped back.
"Oh, so you're too busy popping something else to do it, is that it?"
"You wanna shut up about that?" Chris said, balling his fists.
"No, I don't, because it's fucking hilarious."
"Shut up, Shelley." Chris bent over and popped the hood and stepped back.
"There, happy?"
"No, I'm still in Kentucky, and I was supposed to be in West Virginia an hour ago."
Alex stated this from under the hood, as he attempted to remedy the oil problem.
"You're not that far from the border," Chris remarked as he glanced at his watch. "And she's not gonna be mad."
"No, but I miss her. And I'm tired. And right now the only thing I wanna do is curl up next to her and go to sleep."
"You really like this girl, don't you?" Chris questioned thoughtfully.
"Like is an understatement," Alex replied as he wiped his hands on his jeans.
"Hey, I think it's a good thing, man, I've never seen you this happy."
"Yeah, that's what Red said when she cackled at me for skipping to the ring the other night."
Chris snickered. "Well, she was right. You were skipping like Peter Cottontail."
Alex slammed the hood of the car, sending a withering glare at Chris.
"Get in the car, and let's get the hell out of here before some freakishly large, flannel clad redneck tries to make us squeal like piggies."
"You don't have to tell me twice," his tag team partner replied as he slammed the door and buckled up.
With a wide smile, Alex turned the key, only to find that the car wouldn't start.
"What the hell is wrong NOW?"
"Awww, fuck," Chris groaned as he threw his head back.
"...You left the headlights on, you mighty dumbfuck."
"The battery is dead. We are FUCKED." Shelley groaned as he mirrored his tag team partner's previous action and threw his head back against the seat.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not happening now!" Chris yelled as he slammed his hand on the dashboard.
"Dude, what are we gonna do?"
"...I think I saw car batteries back in that store."
"I don't wanna walk back there," Chris whined.
"Fine, tell you what, there's a Denny's right next door, we'll get some food, buy a battery, install the fucker, and then we can MAYBE make it to Tina's by 4."
"I dunno, are you sure about that?" Chris glanced around warily.
"How bad can it be? Southern people are hospitable," Alex replied. "We know this from experience."
"All right, let's go," Chris agreed as he got out of the car. He let out a heavy sigh.
"The battery. We are having the worst fucking luck ever."
"Hey, it's gotta get better from here, right?"
Sabin groaned again.
"It would have if you hadn't said that. Every time someone says 'it can't get any worse', it always does. You've seen enough zombie movies. You know this."
"I didn't say it can't get any worse," Shelley pointed out. "I said it's gotta get better from here. BIG difference."
"Yeah, guess we'll see."
The two of them walked in silence for a few seconds, taking in the area around them.
"Does it look like this in West Virginia too?" Sabin asked curiously.
"It's prettier, scenery wise," Alex replied.
"Out here it's kinda flat, in Tina's part of West Virginia, it's pretty much surrounded by mountains."
"Mountains are pretty," his friend agreed. "My brother took me fishing in North Carolina when I graduated high school. It was nice there."
"Glad you like it, Red lives in the mountains of North Carolina."
"Oh."
Chris averted his eyes, instead focusing on his shoes.
"That's, uh, nice."
His tag team partner rolled his eyes.
"Jesus Christ, own up to it already."
"What?" Chris questioned, feigning innocence.
"You know what."
Instead of retorting, Chris mumbled something that Alex couldn't quite hear and walked past his friend
With a roll of his eyes, the younger man followed, both of them heading for the door at the Denny's they'd talked about earlier.
"This is a nice place," Chris remarked as he stepped in. "Dude, I'm starved."
"Yeah, so am I-" Alex started, only to be cut off by a very plump looking blonde waitress, whose name tag read "Louise"
Chris noticed the look on his friend's face and raised an eyebrow.
"What's wrong?"
"Hey there, sugar, you look a little beat," the woman bellowed with a smile.
" Why don't y'all have a seat, and I'll bring you some coffee."
"Sounds great," Chris smiled at the woman as he settled himself in the booth.
Louise, whose lipstick was smeared beyond repair, winked at Alex as she walked away.
Chris cackled at the action.
"Why me? " Alex groaned as he rested his head in his hands.
"Why must I be cursed with rugged good looks and irresistible charm?"
"Don't flatter yourself, it's probably been a long time since she's seen someone dressed like.." Chris looked down at his friend's attire, "that."
Alex shot Chris an offended glare.
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing, huh?"
"Actually, I take that back. It's not your clothes, it's the hair."
"And just what's wrong with my hair?"
Chris rolled his eyes.
"Dude, you need to lose the skunk stripe. It's not a good look on you."
"Chicks dig the stripe!" Alex protested, as he folded his arms over his chest.
"That's not what your girlfriend said."
"What are you talking about? Tina loves the stripe!" Alex insisted.
"No, she hates it, she's just USED to it," the other Detroit native answered as he glanced around the room.
"But apparently Louise likes it. I think you might even get her number." A smirk tugged at the corner of Sabin's lips.
Alex's face went pale.
"Don't even joke about that!"
At that moment, Louise sauntered up, two cups of steaming hot coffee in her hands.
"Here you go boys, fresh coffee." Louise drawled, sitting their cups down on the table. Glancing over at Alex, she winked again.
"Yours is on the house, sugar."
Chris almost choked.
"Dude, you get free coffee."
"Cram it," Shelley mumbled, as he stared at the table.
"No, I'm enjoying this." Chris cleared his throat and adopted a falsetto Southern accent.
"'Yours is on the house, sugar!'"
Glaring through narrowed eyes, Alex kicked the older man in the shin, hard.
"Ow! Damn it, Alex!" Chris yelled as he bent over to rub the spot where he'd been kicked.
"Lighten up, it was a joke!"
"It's not FUNNY."
"Oh, like you wouldn't be laughing if it was happening to me." Chris rolled his eyes.
"What would you boys like?"
Sabin glanced over the menu quickly before turning to Louise.
"I'll just have an omelet, thanks. And toast, if you have it."
"Yeah, same." Alex echoed, not wanting to draw any more attention to himself than possible.
"Comin' right up."
Louise winked again at Alex as she walked off, deliberately sashaying her hips.
"I'm going to be scarred for life," Alex mumbled.
"Hold still," Chris said, setting his coffee cup down as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I wanna get a picture of this."
"You take that picture, and I'll tell Red you've been having quality time with Tweeter while looking at her picture."
"Not gonna work, 'Lex. Besides, you were gonna do it to me earlier. Payback's a bitch, and so's your mom." He flipped his phone open.
"I mean it, Chris, I swear to God I'll do it."
"Come on, the girls will love it," Chris insisted.
"No, they'll exploit it. You know them, they'll write about it and post it on that writing website."
"All the more reason to send it to them," his friend chuckled. "This would make for one very interesting story."
"They'll give it to one of the slash writers."
"...They wouldn't," Sabin replied, his face pale.
"They would."
The older man shoved his phone back in his pocket and shook his head firmly.
"All right, you win, I won't do it."
"That's the smartest thing you've said all day."
"Dude, Louise is giving you the eye," Chris whispered as he leaned forward.
"Fuck."
Alex groaned quietly in frustration. The last thing he needed was the image of the waitress's attempt at being seductive burned in his mind.
"Tell her you have a girlfriend," Chris suggested.
"Better idea, I'll call her while Louise is standing here," Alex said as he dug his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Keep a lookout."
"All right, she's coming." Chris said as he craned his neck. "GO!"
Chris did his best to keep the laughter that was threatening to bubble up in his throat at a minimum, as Alex talked loudly and animatedly with his girlfriend.
"This is priceless," he muttered to himself.
Louise wasn't that easily deterred, however. Alex had barely snapped his phone shut before she started again.
"Need a refill, sugar?" She smiled and leaned forward.
"No, I'm good, thanks."
Chris snickered from his position in the booth. His best friend's expression could only be likened to that of a trapped animal.
"I'll just bet you are. Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to holler."
"Alex, don't you want some more coffee?" Chris gestured to his friend's empty cup.
"It is late and we still gotta drive..."
"No, I do not. All I want is to get that damned battery and get the hell out of here."
"Yeah, I'm full," Chris patted his stomach. "So, are you gonna pay for this, sugar, or am I?"
"...I'm paying for the battery, you go pay for the meal. In fact, while you're doing that, I'm going to get the battery-the quicker we can get out of here, the better."
"You're gonna leave me in here with Louise?" Chris' eyes widened in horror.
"I don't think you're her type." Alex retorted.
The younger man had taken no more than three steps when he felt an unfamiliar hand grabbing his backside.
"Y'all come back now, you hear? We don't get to see cuties like you around here often."
She winked at Alex for what seemed to be the millionth time that night as she spoke.
"Coffee's always on the house for you, sugar."
"There will be no more coffee, and no more ass pinching, thank you. I'm a happily married man."
And with that, Alex quickly exited the restaurant, making a beeline for the service station. In the booth, Chris was practically choking on his fist to contain his laughter.
"I'm so gonna remember this for later," he said to himself as he walked up to the counter to pay the bill.
"Perfect blackmail material."
The blond man paid the bill and exited the restaurant, nodding at Louise as he stepped out.
He caught sight of Alex exiting the service station, battery in hand.
"Get me the hell out of Kentucky, now!"
"What's wrong, now?" Chris asked, amused.
"Look what followed you out!"
"What?" Chris turned around to see Louise standing behind him, a smile on her face.
"Oh fuck.."
Without a second's hesitation, Alex took off.
"To hell with this, I'm leaving with or without you!"
"I'm coming!" Chris yelled as he made a beeline for the car.
"Dude, what the hell? Why did she follow me out?"
"She knows you're with ME, that's why!" Alex exclaimed in frustration as he looked around nervously.
"Pop the hood, quick!"
Sabin reached over and did as his friend asked. He looked around nervously.
"You know how to put this in, right?"
"Easy, peazy, Japanesey."
Seconds later, the new battery was in place, and both men were in the car, frantically buckling seatbelts. With a cry of victory, the car roared to life.
"FLOOR IT!"
"YES!" Chris exclaimed, pumping his fist. "Now we're making progress!"
The car screeched as they pulled out of the parking lot, the two men thankful to be leaving the horrible Denny's experience behind them.
"Oh, come on, it'll be fine-"
"Dude, the oil light is not flashing, it's BURNING CONTINUOUSLY. Stop the car!"
"Shut up, would ya?" Alex Shelley mumbled as he focused on the road ahead.
"I would like to live to see 29. Which means we get some oil in this car, and then get the hell out of here."
"Where are we gonna go? It's fucking 2 a.m."
Chris Sabin eyed his surroundings nervously as he stepped out of the passenger side of their rental car.
"Isn't there some kind of 24 hour place open? One that sells motor oil?"
"Yeah, probably," Alex sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "But I'm not exactly familiar with this area."
"And isn't it kinda creepy to you how every building looks the same?"
"Yeah, it is, but didn't the girls say this is typical of southern towns?" Chris questioned as he fiddled with the radio.
"Probably. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention." Alex answered, with a shrug of his shoulder.
"Yeah, you were too busy picturing other things."
The younger of the two shot his friend a dirty look.
"And what's that supposed to mean, huh? You trying to say this is MY fault?"
"Well, if the shoe fits..."
"Oh, cram it, Sabin, like you weren't picturing Red in lingerie." Alex exited the car.
"I was not."
"Right, and Lacey really is a virgin like she claims to be. C'mon, you were so. You practically turned into a tomato. Don't lie."
"I'm not lying, and I can't help I turn red easily!" His friend's cheeks were a shade of bright pink, and he was trying desperately to deny the claim.
"Yeah, sure you weren't." Shelley shook his head. "You're almost as bad as Tina at lying, and she's horrible."
He glanced warily at the car. "Why fail me now, huh?"
"Because this is our luck. We already had that show in the middle of Redneck Hell, now we're deeper in than ever, and stranded." Sabin groaned.
"You think if I kick it, that will fix the problem?" Alex mused as he rubbed his chin.
"You think abusing the car is going to put oil in it?" Chris shook his head.
"Hey, at this point, I'll try anything," Shelley replied.
"How about we try walking towards that gas station up there instead, huh?" Chris nodded in the direction of a gas station just across the street.
"Sure. You go first." Shelley pushed his best friend in front of him.
"Oh no, you're the one who wanted to go to West Virginia, YOU go first."
"I didn't hear you complaining earlier!" Alex shouted.
"We weren't stranded in redneck hell earlier!" Chris protested as he tried to maneuver around his friend.
"Dude, quit arguing and walk already. I'm getting the heebie-jeebies."
With a growl, the fauxhawked man was seized by the shoulders and shoved ahead.
"Then RUN."
"Ow! What did you do that for?" Shelley yelled, rubbing his shoulders.
"Because this is YOUR fault. And you're going first. Hurry it up, I think I hear banjos."
"It's not my fault the car crapped out on us. I told you to check the oil, Sabin. Or were you too busy picturing Red in your, ah, bed?"
The younger man snickered as he said this.
Sabin turned purple, and shot a scathing glare at his best friend.
"I was not picturing her anywhere, thank you. And if I remember correctly, the DRIVER is supposed to check the oil."
"According to…?" Shelley questioned, clearly confused.
"According to me, that's who," Chris replied affirmatively.
Shelley rolled his eyes and shoved Sabin roughly.
"And quit ignoring what I said earlier, you were picturing Red in lingerie. Or nothing at all. In your bed."
"I wasn't the one pitching a tent in my pants at the mention of a policewoman outfit." Chris retorted with a snort. "So it seems to me that you have no room to talk."
"No, you were picturing her in a schoolgirl costume. Did the fantasy include her with a ruler?" Shelley questioned, smirking at the reaction he was getting from his tag team partner.
"I wasn't picturing her in any way, shape, or form," Chris insisted, wishing that Alex would just drop it already.
"Alright, stop it with this lying business. Look, Sabin, I'm your best friend. I'm not gonna bust your chops over it. So drop it, yeah?"
He shook his head as they continued walking, fully expecting a punch from his tag team partner.
Rather than punch the younger man, Sabin opted to shove his hands in his pockets and mumble quietly.
"Didn't we talk about your projection issues? Come on, louder." Shelley gestured with his hands as he spoke. "Speak up."
"Cram it, would ya?"
"Hold still," Alex said, as he reached into his pocket and pulled his cell phone out. Confused, Chris asked,
"What are you doing?"
"I wanna take a picture of this for later. Red needs to see this."
This time, Alex received a rather hard punch in the shoulder.
"Don't you DARE."
"You punch me one more time, and I'm gonna send a text with it telling her that you mumble her name in your sleep," Shelley threatened, smirking at the older man.
"Nice try, you don't have her number."
"Ah, but Tina does," Alex replied, holding a finger up. "You underestimate me-yet again."
"Ah, yes, but I'm sure she wouldn't give that number to anyone without Red's permission," the other half of the Motor City Machine Guns replied.
"Yeah, normally that would be the case, but you're not just anyone, now are you? Apparently Red has quite the crush on you."
By this point the two had reached the service station, and with his face turning a nice shade of red, Chris shoved Alex through the door.
"I mean it, Sabin, you shove me one more time-" He was interrupted by a portly man standing behind the counter.
"Can I help you boys with somethin'?"
"Yeah, we had to stop our car a mile or so back, we need some motor oil."
The man nodded and stepped out from behind the counter, as he wiped his hands on his overalls.
"Oil's on the third aisle." He pointed. "Holler if ya'll need help."
"Will do, thanks."
"Dude, what kinda oil are we looking for?" Chris whispered as they walked.
Alex peered at his friend questioningly, and paused for a second before he retorted,
"...What do you mean, what kind of oil are we looking for? I thought you knew!"
"It's your car! I thought you knew!" Sabin yelled, panicked.
"It's a rental, I didn't bother looking at the sticker!"
"Nice one, Alex," Chris groaned. "Do you ever pay attention to anything NOT video game related?"
"Yeah, I pay attention to everything about Tina."
This answer was met with a sigh.
"Let me rephrase, do you ever pay attention to anything NOT video game or Tina related?"
"...I'm offended." Shelley said, feigning hurt. Sabin shook his head.
"Shut up and take this, I think it'll work."
Alex huffed as he snatched the bottle from Chris's hand.
"I reckon we'll find out."
"Yeah, I guess we—" Sabin paused, the previous remark registering in his brain. Had his best friend just used a Southern word?
"Dude, you said RECKON."
"I did NOT." Shelley insisted, his face going red.
"Yeah, you did," Chris replied with a nod of his head. "You said, and I quote, 'I RECKON we'll find out.'" He choked back a laugh.
"Says the man who openly admits to watching "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas". By the way, the girls were highly amused by that."
Sabin's face turned pale as he realized what his best friend had just said.
"You-YOU TOLD THEM THAT?"
"I didn't exactly HAVE to, Tina heard you say it," the former X-Division champion stated.
"Why didn't you lie and tell her she heard wrong or something?" Chris' face was now a shade of green.
"Oh relax, would ya? They both thought it was funny, and are openly busting my chops over it." The faux haired man laughed.
"Something about you having good taste in movies and me needing to see it."
"Hmph." Sabin shoved his hand in his pockets. "And they're right, you need to see that and 9-5. I can't believe you didn't know that Dolly Parton was an actress too."
"Gimme a break, would ya? I know nothing about country music!"
"And yet you're dating a southerner. And you stranded us in redneck HELL on the way to visit her." Chris shook his head once again as they reached the counter.
"Gimme the cash, Alex, so we can get the hell out of here."
Alex fished his wallet out of his pocket, glaring at the blue eyed man as he handed him a five dollar bill.
"What are you glaring at?" Chris plopped the bill down on the counter.
"You, for busting my chops. You're suppoesd to be on MY side here." Shelley pouted childishly as he spoke.
"And what indication did I give you that I'm not on your side?" His friend questioned.
"Their side is prettier."
"Come on, that was a joke, 'Lex."
"Oh, I see how it is, you're just siding with them because of a certain North Carolinian."
"No, that has nothing to do with it," Chris replied as he pushed the door open. "Did you WANT me to say that you're pretty?"
"Eat me," was the reply he received.
"How long have you wanted me to?" Sabin fired back, a devious look on his face and a twinkle in his eyes.
"Not funny."
Alex glared daggers at the cackling blonde, who was now stumbling along ahead of him.
"Au contraire, I think it's hilarious, and I believe if we actually called and asked Tina, she'd agree."
"...I hate you," Alex mumbled as they crossed the parking lot. "You don't play fair."
"Is it my fault your girlfriend takes my side?"
"Yes, because according to them you're "puppy dog cute". Hmph. They don't have to deal with you on a daily basis."
"What?" The older man laughed. "I AM puppy dog cute. I AM cuddly. Don't hate, appreciate."
"Shut your mouth and pop the hood."
"Pop it yourself." Sabin snapped back.
"Oh, so you're too busy popping something else to do it, is that it?"
"You wanna shut up about that?" Chris said, balling his fists.
"No, I don't, because it's fucking hilarious."
"Shut up, Shelley." Chris bent over and popped the hood and stepped back.
"There, happy?"
"No, I'm still in Kentucky, and I was supposed to be in West Virginia an hour ago."
Alex stated this from under the hood, as he attempted to remedy the oil problem.
"You're not that far from the border," Chris remarked as he glanced at his watch. "And she's not gonna be mad."
"No, but I miss her. And I'm tired. And right now the only thing I wanna do is curl up next to her and go to sleep."
"You really like this girl, don't you?" Chris questioned thoughtfully.
"Like is an understatement," Alex replied as he wiped his hands on his jeans.
"Hey, I think it's a good thing, man, I've never seen you this happy."
"Yeah, that's what Red said when she cackled at me for skipping to the ring the other night."
Chris snickered. "Well, she was right. You were skipping like Peter Cottontail."
Alex slammed the hood of the car, sending a withering glare at Chris.
"Get in the car, and let's get the hell out of here before some freakishly large, flannel clad redneck tries to make us squeal like piggies."
"You don't have to tell me twice," his tag team partner replied as he slammed the door and buckled up.
With a wide smile, Alex turned the key, only to find that the car wouldn't start.
"What the hell is wrong NOW?"
"Awww, fuck," Chris groaned as he threw his head back.
"...You left the headlights on, you mighty dumbfuck."
"The battery is dead. We are FUCKED." Shelley groaned as he mirrored his tag team partner's previous action and threw his head back against the seat.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not happening now!" Chris yelled as he slammed his hand on the dashboard.
"Dude, what are we gonna do?"
"...I think I saw car batteries back in that store."
"I don't wanna walk back there," Chris whined.
"Fine, tell you what, there's a Denny's right next door, we'll get some food, buy a battery, install the fucker, and then we can MAYBE make it to Tina's by 4."
"I dunno, are you sure about that?" Chris glanced around warily.
"How bad can it be? Southern people are hospitable," Alex replied. "We know this from experience."
"All right, let's go," Chris agreed as he got out of the car. He let out a heavy sigh.
"The battery. We are having the worst fucking luck ever."
"Hey, it's gotta get better from here, right?"
Sabin groaned again.
"It would have if you hadn't said that. Every time someone says 'it can't get any worse', it always does. You've seen enough zombie movies. You know this."
"I didn't say it can't get any worse," Shelley pointed out. "I said it's gotta get better from here. BIG difference."
"Yeah, guess we'll see."
The two of them walked in silence for a few seconds, taking in the area around them.
"Does it look like this in West Virginia too?" Sabin asked curiously.
"It's prettier, scenery wise," Alex replied.
"Out here it's kinda flat, in Tina's part of West Virginia, it's pretty much surrounded by mountains."
"Mountains are pretty," his friend agreed. "My brother took me fishing in North Carolina when I graduated high school. It was nice there."
"Glad you like it, Red lives in the mountains of North Carolina."
"Oh."
Chris averted his eyes, instead focusing on his shoes.
"That's, uh, nice."
His tag team partner rolled his eyes.
"Jesus Christ, own up to it already."
"What?" Chris questioned, feigning innocence.
"You know what."
Instead of retorting, Chris mumbled something that Alex couldn't quite hear and walked past his friend
With a roll of his eyes, the younger man followed, both of them heading for the door at the Denny's they'd talked about earlier.
"This is a nice place," Chris remarked as he stepped in. "Dude, I'm starved."
"Yeah, so am I-" Alex started, only to be cut off by a very plump looking blonde waitress, whose name tag read "Louise"
Chris noticed the look on his friend's face and raised an eyebrow.
"What's wrong?"
"Hey there, sugar, you look a little beat," the woman bellowed with a smile.
" Why don't y'all have a seat, and I'll bring you some coffee."
"Sounds great," Chris smiled at the woman as he settled himself in the booth.
Louise, whose lipstick was smeared beyond repair, winked at Alex as she walked away.
Chris cackled at the action.
"Why me? " Alex groaned as he rested his head in his hands.
"Why must I be cursed with rugged good looks and irresistible charm?"
"Don't flatter yourself, it's probably been a long time since she's seen someone dressed like.." Chris looked down at his friend's attire, "that."
Alex shot Chris an offended glare.
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing, huh?"
"Actually, I take that back. It's not your clothes, it's the hair."
"And just what's wrong with my hair?"
Chris rolled his eyes.
"Dude, you need to lose the skunk stripe. It's not a good look on you."
"Chicks dig the stripe!" Alex protested, as he folded his arms over his chest.
"That's not what your girlfriend said."
"What are you talking about? Tina loves the stripe!" Alex insisted.
"No, she hates it, she's just USED to it," the other Detroit native answered as he glanced around the room.
"But apparently Louise likes it. I think you might even get her number." A smirk tugged at the corner of Sabin's lips.
Alex's face went pale.
"Don't even joke about that!"
At that moment, Louise sauntered up, two cups of steaming hot coffee in her hands.
"Here you go boys, fresh coffee." Louise drawled, sitting their cups down on the table. Glancing over at Alex, she winked again.
"Yours is on the house, sugar."
Chris almost choked.
"Dude, you get free coffee."
"Cram it," Shelley mumbled, as he stared at the table.
"No, I'm enjoying this." Chris cleared his throat and adopted a falsetto Southern accent.
"'Yours is on the house, sugar!'"
Glaring through narrowed eyes, Alex kicked the older man in the shin, hard.
"Ow! Damn it, Alex!" Chris yelled as he bent over to rub the spot where he'd been kicked.
"Lighten up, it was a joke!"
"It's not FUNNY."
"Oh, like you wouldn't be laughing if it was happening to me." Chris rolled his eyes.
"What would you boys like?"
Sabin glanced over the menu quickly before turning to Louise.
"I'll just have an omelet, thanks. And toast, if you have it."
"Yeah, same." Alex echoed, not wanting to draw any more attention to himself than possible.
"Comin' right up."
Louise winked again at Alex as she walked off, deliberately sashaying her hips.
"I'm going to be scarred for life," Alex mumbled.
"Hold still," Chris said, setting his coffee cup down as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I wanna get a picture of this."
"You take that picture, and I'll tell Red you've been having quality time with Tweeter while looking at her picture."
"Not gonna work, 'Lex. Besides, you were gonna do it to me earlier. Payback's a bitch, and so's your mom." He flipped his phone open.
"I mean it, Chris, I swear to God I'll do it."
"Come on, the girls will love it," Chris insisted.
"No, they'll exploit it. You know them, they'll write about it and post it on that writing website."
"All the more reason to send it to them," his friend chuckled. "This would make for one very interesting story."
"They'll give it to one of the slash writers."
"...They wouldn't," Sabin replied, his face pale.
"They would."
The older man shoved his phone back in his pocket and shook his head firmly.
"All right, you win, I won't do it."
"That's the smartest thing you've said all day."
"Dude, Louise is giving you the eye," Chris whispered as he leaned forward.
"Fuck."
Alex groaned quietly in frustration. The last thing he needed was the image of the waitress's attempt at being seductive burned in his mind.
"Tell her you have a girlfriend," Chris suggested.
"Better idea, I'll call her while Louise is standing here," Alex said as he dug his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Keep a lookout."
"All right, she's coming." Chris said as he craned his neck. "GO!"
Chris did his best to keep the laughter that was threatening to bubble up in his throat at a minimum, as Alex talked loudly and animatedly with his girlfriend.
"This is priceless," he muttered to himself.
Louise wasn't that easily deterred, however. Alex had barely snapped his phone shut before she started again.
"Need a refill, sugar?" She smiled and leaned forward.
"No, I'm good, thanks."
Chris snickered from his position in the booth. His best friend's expression could only be likened to that of a trapped animal.
"I'll just bet you are. Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to holler."
"Alex, don't you want some more coffee?" Chris gestured to his friend's empty cup.
"It is late and we still gotta drive..."
"No, I do not. All I want is to get that damned battery and get the hell out of here."
"Yeah, I'm full," Chris patted his stomach. "So, are you gonna pay for this, sugar, or am I?"
"...I'm paying for the battery, you go pay for the meal. In fact, while you're doing that, I'm going to get the battery-the quicker we can get out of here, the better."
"You're gonna leave me in here with Louise?" Chris' eyes widened in horror.
"I don't think you're her type." Alex retorted.
The younger man had taken no more than three steps when he felt an unfamiliar hand grabbing his backside.
"Y'all come back now, you hear? We don't get to see cuties like you around here often."
She winked at Alex for what seemed to be the millionth time that night as she spoke.
"Coffee's always on the house for you, sugar."
"There will be no more coffee, and no more ass pinching, thank you. I'm a happily married man."
And with that, Alex quickly exited the restaurant, making a beeline for the service station. In the booth, Chris was practically choking on his fist to contain his laughter.
"I'm so gonna remember this for later," he said to himself as he walked up to the counter to pay the bill.
"Perfect blackmail material."
The blond man paid the bill and exited the restaurant, nodding at Louise as he stepped out.
He caught sight of Alex exiting the service station, battery in hand.
"Get me the hell out of Kentucky, now!"
"What's wrong, now?" Chris asked, amused.
"Look what followed you out!"
"What?" Chris turned around to see Louise standing behind him, a smile on her face.
"Oh fuck.."
Without a second's hesitation, Alex took off.
"To hell with this, I'm leaving with or without you!"
"I'm coming!" Chris yelled as he made a beeline for the car.
"Dude, what the hell? Why did she follow me out?"
"She knows you're with ME, that's why!" Alex exclaimed in frustration as he looked around nervously.
"Pop the hood, quick!"
Sabin reached over and did as his friend asked. He looked around nervously.
"You know how to put this in, right?"
"Easy, peazy, Japanesey."
Seconds later, the new battery was in place, and both men were in the car, frantically buckling seatbelts. With a cry of victory, the car roared to life.
"FLOOR IT!"
"YES!" Chris exclaimed, pumping his fist. "Now we're making progress!"
The car screeched as they pulled out of the parking lot, the two men thankful to be leaving the horrible Denny's experience behind them.
Sign up to rate and review this story