FicWad

Chapter Six – Broken Record


Frank’s POV




Okay, so some topless, six-packed teenager has just told me that I should put my boyfriend on a leash. Some topless teenager with a bloody nose and wide, concerned eyes; eyes that were drunk with disgust and anger.

Even for this household that is quite strange. Strange and extremely worrying. Worrying because, if my hunch is correct, my beautiful Gee, the one who apparently needs a leash, caused the bloody nose; hurt some poor teenager who was probably too dazed to realise what was going on. But Gee would never hurt someone without a very good reason, would never hurt someone as a first resort unless…

Unless they hurt Mikey first.

Mikey, that poor kid who definitely does need the protection that Gerard tries to pile onto him like a fireman wrapping a blanket around a smoke-smothered baby, but just not in the way that my boyfriend insists on giving it. Gerard just assumes the worst all of the fucking time and never gives Mikes the chance to explain anymore; it’s like he just expects Mikey to want him like a frightened toddler wants it’s beloved teddy, like Mikes should just be alright purely because Gerard believes the worst to be over and therefore everything must be absolutely fine. Or if it wasn’t fine, that Mikes would at least say something. Mikey talks to me, occasionally lets me know if something’s bothering him but he never fully opens up like he really does need to; I accept that now and just hold him whenever I can tell he needs me to, but Gerard just seems to believe that Mikey would talk to him with every iota of his intricate being.

Believes it so much that he won’t listen when I tell him that it’s a lie.

The look in that poor kid’s eyes this morning didn’t even convince Gerard that he’s living in denial. The look that screamed for him to say something about the fact it’s Mrs Way’s forty-third birthday, the look that made it clear he can’t cope without the help of his big brother. I was going to say something to Mikey, probably should have, but it wouldn’t have changed anything; I’m his best friend, not his brother, not the person who understands what he’s going through because I’m going through it too. Gerard is the one who needed to address it with him, not me, because they’re the only biological family that one another have left and so they must mourn their mother together; as brothers sharing childhood memories of the one woman who would probably be able to save them from themselves were she to still be breathing the same polluted air as us. But no, Gerard being the ignorantly arrogant man that he is, decided that he knows best. As always.

Decided that Mikey should be the one doing the work in their relationship even though he knows full well that Mikes needs his help and encouragement just to speak in his presence; never mind open up to him about something that obviously still wounds the kid.

Gerard told me about the day their parents died, about how Mikes ran into the deserted operating room in heartbroken disbelief that this could happen to his parents; about how he saw what was left of his mother, about how he didn’t speak to anyone for days after it and couldn’t be removed from the hospital until he was too exhausted to protest Gee’s arms, about how he completely obliterated his bedroom to the point where his knuckles were all bloody. I wish I’d been there then. Not because I want to see my surrogate little brother hurt, I’d rather feel his crippling pain myself than see it etched onto his innocent face, but because I could have helped him through it. Could have persuaded him to come out of his bedroom and into his big brother’s arms, instead of just sitting by the door like Gerard told me he did. Apparently he didn’t speak for days after that; just shook and whimpered whenever Gee tried to get him to say something.

I wonder if the poor kid has said anything to anyone about that hideously dark period of his life, the one that ended Gerard’s addictions but started Mikey’s sure course of inner destruction; if anyone ever asked how seeing his mom all broken and disfigured made him feel. I know it sounds like a stupid question, it’s hardly going to make him feel happy, but it’s the sort of question that’s so obvious that it has to be asked. So obvious that I doubt anyone ever bothered. And it should have been asked; someone should have taken the time to let Mikes know that he can talk about the most disturbing image to ever stain the eyes of an already abused child, let him know that it’s alright for him to be frightened and freaked out by it. But no one ever did ask and now it’s all locked in his head, slowly smothering his old personality.

Now it’s too late to say anything; the damage has been done and is regretfully irreversible in it’s cruelty. All because Gerard never bothered to ask back when his little brother was still salvageable.

So I hoped that he’d ask today; see Mikey’s haunted eyes at breakfast this morning and finally realise that he needs to ask the kid to ask for help, not just assume that it will happen when he knows that it won’t. Apart from he never asked Mikes and the poor kid had to go to school with tears stabbing through the empty surface of his hurt eyes. Tears that Gerard couldn’t even see forming because he was too busy discussing some stupid thing that was on television last night. So I just reached under the table and grabbed Mikey’s shaking little hand, squeezing it with my own before retracting it when he jumped violently enough to make Gee raise his eyebrows at him in surprise. And even then he hadn’t noticed that the poor kid was about to explode, had just sent him along to go catch the bus. Without noticing how Mikey hadn’t even eaten anything.

I’d desperately wanted to scream at Gee, to tell him that he couldn’t just send Mikes to school as though today is just another day spent living in the shadow of Mikey’s obvious depression. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Because I know that today isn’t easy for Gerard either, she was his mom too and he misses her just as much as Mikes does. He just decides to hide his emotions more effectively than Mikey so that he appears to be the strength that he seems to believe is required by his, somewhat dysfunctional, family. But I see through it, can see through the coldness and into his shattering heart; a heart that he’s given to me to fix. Apart from last night I couldn’t just see it; I heard it too. I heard him talking to his mom.

”Hey there, Mom.” He whispers into the darkness of our bedroom, the room that used to be slept in by the person that he’s trying to speak to. “How are things going for you?”

There is an agonizing silence, a silence filled with an expectance for the self-confessed impossibility of a reply. He thinks that I’m asleep, that I can’t hear his strong sniffles of sorrow; but I’m not and I can. And it really is the most excruciating thing ever to witness, bar maybe all of the times that he’s made Mikey cry, like he’s ashamed of speaking to the person that he knows he needs like Mikes needs him to actually be his big brother.

“I’m good. I’ve got a boyfriend now; Frankie’s really great. You’d have liked him. Mikes gets on really well with him.”

He sighs lightly at the mention of the boy he’s just realised is not how his mom remembers him. I feel a tear slide down my face like the slither of moonlight that has filtered into our room through the open crack of the coal-coloured curtains; my heart’s telling me to arise and wrap my arms around my lover until he feels good again. But I ignore my heart in favour of hearing what Gee obviously needs to let out.

“Mikey… Mom, I don’t know what to do with him. It’s like whatever I do is always wrong, like he’s scared of me all of the time. I get why he’s scared of me, but I just don’t know how to make it all better like you would do. I tried doing what he said, what my Frankie said too, but nothing changed and now he’s just as bad as before. I had to change his school because he used to get hurt real bad at Belleville High and I think that worked a little; he seems to be a little happier in that department. But he doesn’t even try to talk to me anymore. It’s like he’s dead to me, Mom. And I don’t know how to bring him back.”

Oh, Gee. My poor, confused love.

A small alarm beep ignites the slow silence of the room, an alarm that Gerard must have set.

“It’s midnight. Happy birthday, Mom.”

Recalling how he poured his heart out last night to nothing but the moonlit agony of lack of presence, I can’t help but feel almost as bad as he must do. I never met Mrs Way, I wish I had because that would mean that she’d still be alive, but I feel like I know her; like through seeing what her boys are without her I know how amazing she must have been. She must have been someone special to be able to hold Mikes together when he falls apart so easily.

No, not easily; has just been broken so many times that the glue has started to weaken and just doesn’t last like it once would have.

Recalling the events of last night, I can’t help but want to feel sorry for Gee (which I do; I love the guy unadulteratedly and unconditionally, so of course it hurts to see him anything less than happy) despite the fact that he’s been so, for lack of a better word, stupid with Mikes; has just let him be miserable and suffer in the silence that he normally tries to find his solitude in.

But he’s doing something about it now. I convinced him in the car and now he’s doing what he should have done in the first place.

Or rather, he should be. Should be and isn’t because I’m not sure where a topless and bloody teenage boy fits into the equation.

What if Mikes bought a friend home? No, the look in that boy’s eyes told me that he’s no friend of Mikey’s; more like boyfriend. Which I guess could go some way to explaining the absence of a shirt. And all of the way to explaining the bloody nose. If Gee caught him doing anything beyond hand-holding (and even that’s a push)with the fragile baby brother that he views as completely incapable of doing anything without getting hurt, then the poor guy’s lucky that he can still stand. I hope that Mikes does have a boyfriend who’s as nice inside as the physical features of the pissed-off boy who told me to put my Gee on a leash; I know this might sound weird coming from his surrogate big brother, but Mikey’s done well for himself if that boy really is what I’m presuming him to be.

I just pray that I’ve got the cause of his bloody nose all wrong; not a lot of people would want to stay in a relationship where an angry, apparently violent, big brother is a constant threat to your personal safety. If Gerard’s ruined Mikey’s first relationship like I ruined Mikey’s first kiss then I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive him. Mikes deserves to be happy, deserves to have a nice boy looking out for him and loving him like he should be loved. He most certainly doesn’t deserve a big brother scaring off someone who is special enough to have his trust.

Of course this is all just assumptions, I could be completely wrong. For all I know that boy may have been abducted by aliens and deposited in the upstairs bathroom; he could have been beaten up and came to take refuge in our house at Mikey’s invitation; he could have really been hurting an already too hurt kid and Gerard could have just been defending his baby brother.

I don’t know what’s worse; the idea of Mikes getting hurt by some bastard in his own bedroom, or the idea of Gerard ruining a romantic moment between him and his first boyfriend. Neither appeal to me in the slightest. I just want the kid to be able to find it within himself to be happy for once.

I should go upstairs and find out so that I can help Mikes get through a day that was bad enough without any input from an angry Gerard or spiteful bully. Yeah. I need to make sure that he’s alright, that Gerard hasn’t gone off on one of his ridiculous rants at things that aren’t even Mikey’s fault. Just like he always does when he can’t face the idea that he’s actually the one in the wrong with his baby brother, that he’s failed the kid and it’s nobody’s fault but his own. Apart from now that we’re a three-piece family, it’s our joint fault if Mikey gets hurt.

All the more reason for me to go upstairs and help them before something really bad happens.

Worse than bad because, if any of the above scenarios have actually happened, things are probably already less than shit for the poor kid. Just like always.

I hare up the stairs, ignoring Misfit’s puzzled stare as to why she isn’t going on the walk that I’ve just geared her up for, my heart racing in pure concerned panic. I can’t let another bad thing happen to my metaphorical little brother; he really can’t take anymore shit from either Fate or his own big brother. What he can take is a good boyfriend, the kind that the muscly and swoon-worthy boy may well have been, a good boyfriend that will take the time to understand him and love him like he deserves to be loved; unconditionally and endlessly.

“Mikes, c’mon, please calm down. Please. He’s not worth crying over.”

The sound of Gerard’s pleading voice hits my ears like a wave crashing into a drowning swimmer, only giving me a two second warning before Mikey’s screechy sobs infest my ears like a stampede of relentless locusts. This isn’t good. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

“He doesn’t care about you, Mikes. He’d still be here if he did. He wouldn’t have had you pinned to the bed if he did.”

Gerard, you absolute retard! If he was in the arms of some other boy as he seems to have been, a topless boy with the kind of strong-looking arms that the poor kid needs to hold him, then the odds are he wanted to be in that position. How else would the other boy have gotten into Mikey’s bedroom if Mikes hadn’t let him in? And how dare Gee try to convince Mikes that he has just been used? Again. Like I used him, but worse because I never went as far as taking my top off. Or pinning Mikey to a bed. Or gaining enough of his trust to be let into his bedroom in the first place.

I want to go in there and sort everything out, find out what happened between the three males that obviously have issues with each other so that I can stop Gee inflicting more lacerations onto Mikey’s barely beating heart; a heart that he himself tried to stop from beating just a few months ago. How can Gee be yelling at him like this when he acted like Mikey’s suicide attempt was enough to prevent him from comforting the kid this morning; like his attempt is all that Gerard sees whenever he looks at the poor kid. I want to go in there and try my hardest to make everything better.

But I can’t; I have to give Gee a fair chance to fix the situation that I know nothing about. It’s only fair on the Way brothers that I give them an opportunity to fix this themselves, the opportunity to act with each other like I think that they used to before Gerard started getting into things he shouldn’t have; things that blurred his senses of right and wrong. I have to give Gerard the chance to show Mikes that he can do the right thing with him despite the fact that history dictates that he’ll just hurt the kid again.

I know it’s wrong to eavesdrop, to take advantage of this slammed-shut door, but I’m just going to listen to them. Hear what happened and be ready to step in if things get too heated or Mikey’s cries blossom like some horrendously ugly flower into unstoppable wails.

If?

More like when.

But that poor guy, the one that allegedly had Mikes pinned to his bed, had a fucking bloody nose. Thus implying that Gerard got violent with him. Violent in front of the undeserving kid that he used to give bloody noses to, the kid that he used to mercilessly beat almost every night for three years. Mikey must be absolutely terrified, must be replaying all of his worst memories which should be nothing more than nightmares, must feel so alone and helpless. I need to go in there and rescue him from the oblivion of his big brother’s ignorant obliviousness as to how badly he’s failing.

I can’t. Gerard needs to sort this himself. I’ll be right here if things get too bad for the kid to handle; I won’t let anything bad happen to him.

“I’ve seen guys like him before, Mikes; guys who think they’re God’s gift. He was using you, Bro. I saw how he had you against the bed, there’s no way on this Earth that he was doing that because he thought it was the right thing to do or because he loves you; he doesn’t.”

Gerard pauses and the whimper-scorched silence tells me that he’s trying to decide if he’s saying the right thing. Of course he fucking isn’t; if anything he’s being plain cruel. Or maybe he’s just being honest. I never saw the kid; for all I know he could be all that Gerard is portraying him as. No, if he was just a user then Gee wouldn’t be sounding like he’s trying to convince himself just as much as he is trying to convince Mikes.

“He was using you. Taking advantage of the lonely kid who doesn’t even know what he wants. I’m sorry, Mikes, but things like this never last, never last because he was using you; he doesn’t love you because kids your age don’t understand that it’s what inside that counts, that people who look different have feelings too.” You motherfucker! You basically just told your little brother, the one with the scar that makes him hide his face to best of his ability whenever he goes out, that he’s ugly. “He was playing you like you play your bass, Bro.”

There’s a tense silence, the kind of tense that makes me long to run in there like someone on fire wants to run into an icy lake, but I don’t; I have to hear what Mikes is going to say in reply. If he says anything at all.

Because Gerard’s just said some shit things to him, shit things that were obviously born out of his primitive need to protect the kid’s smashed heart from getting broken by someone he views as a threat to the one he has sworn to protect, shit things that mean we’ll be lucky if Mikey can even look at anyone for the next few days let alone talk to someone. He might talk to me though; whenever things go wrong it’s always me he’ll turn to if turns to anyone at all.

Something that breaks Gerard’s heart every time it happens, every time he sees Mikes curled up on the couch with me and snoozing softly in my chest after not even asking Gee to hold him like I know Gee aches to.

Like yesterday evening, for example. We had gotten in from work to an empty living room, to a deserted kitchen; to a sure sign that Mikes was up in his bedroom. And he was. We could hear his amplified bass guitar from downstairs; it was playing the only tune it ever seems to play nowadays, some sort of soft melody that sounds like it belongs as a part of a stunningly heartfelt love song. But we could also hear him crying over the sound of his plectrum intricately strumming out the last few notes before starting all over again. He didn’t come out when Gerard asked him to, wouldn’t tell Gerard what was wrong when he did come out. But what he did do was, when he finally emerged with reddened eyes and a blotchy face, was head straight for the empty seat next to me. Where I proceeded to put my arm around him, hush him as he sniffled softly, sniffled for reasons that only he knows; but if I were to hazard a guess I would say it was something to do with the fact that the next morning he’d wake up with no mom to give a birthday card to. Eventually he just fell asleep, upper body in my arms and his face leaning into my warm chest. Gerard’s eyes when he saw us really were soul-crushing; all hurt confusion as to why his baby brother trusts me, his big brother’s boyfriend, more than he trust his big brother himself.

And now he’s saying stuff like this. How can he find his baby brother’s lack of trust confusing when he starts yelling like this at the idea of Mikes actually having some sort of love?

“Pe-ete is-isn’t-t l-like-ike th-th-at.” Mikey stutters nervously, making my chest ache at how he has reverted so easily back to stuttering with his big brother; he hasn’t stuttered with either of us since the restaurant incident and even then that didn’t hurt all that much because we knew it wasn’t us he was upset with.

“And how would you know, Mikes? How long have you even known the prick? Clearly not long enough if you can’t see him for the user that he quite obviously is.”

“Why do you have to ruin everything, Gerard? Why can’t you just accept the idea that something nice is happening to me for once; am I really that b-b-a-ad?”

Woah; for Mikes to actually speak is one thing. For him to shout out in the anger that he usually directs at himself is quite another. But even now he’s starting to blame himself, asking Gee if he really is as bad as he thinks he is; as Gerard is making him think he is.

Poor, poor little kid.

“Me ruin everything? I’m sorry, Mikes, but am I the one that makes me and Frankie stay in every night because we can’t leave you on your own for too long? Am I the one who we can’t take to crowded places? Am I the one who acts like a selfish little shit all of the time just because I can’t accept the fact that things aren’t always great in life? Am I the one who turns everything into some huge drama just because I’m too fucking cowardly to speak?”

How am I going out with that; with some monster capable of destroying all that we have built over the past few months in a matter of seconds?

Because I really do love him.

“I-I’m so-orry-rry, G-gerar-“

“No! If you were sorry you’d do something about it, not go around like some sort of slut with anyone stupid enough to want to kiss you!”

That’s it. I’m going in; he can’t just treat Mikes like that, even if he is just doing it out of some warped sense of concern that somehow mutated into frustrated anger at his lack of control over a situation he should never have let happen.

Besides, Mikes should be allowed to have a boyfriend if that’s what makes him happy.

“Gerard, that’s enough.” I state calmly, like a mother with an unruly child, as I stride authoritively into Mikey’s blue bedroom.

As I stride in and see the most pitiful scene ever to unfold in this room; Mikes hiding under his duvet like a small kid from the monsters under the bed and Gerard standing exasperatedly next to the bed, hands on his hips and legs in an intimidating stance.

“Okay then, Frank. You deal with this ungrateful little shit then. All I ever do is try to help, but oh no, Frankie is the only one who can make the little mute speak.”

“Gerard! Snap the fuck out of it, Babe! Look at him, look at what you’ve reduced him to!” I’m all but shaking him by the shoulders, shouting at him like he thinks it’s alright to shout at other people, and using the voice that I haven’t had to use for a very long time; my sincerely furious voice.

He looks at the shaking mess of duvet, looks and hears the crackling sobs of his traumatised baby brother erupting from the mound of blanket like lava from a volcano, and his face floods with dread; Gerard’s back from the black abyss of his tight-rope temper.

“How could you, Gee? So what if he’s in love with someone, shouldn’t he be allowed to have a shot at what we have?” My voice is softer this time, but still doused in disappointment. “Was the poor guy really all that bad? Or did you just not give him a chance?”

His face is pained; all agony and sympathy for the poor kid who’s daring to poke his head from under the duvet.

“He was on top of my baby brother, pinning him to the bed and topless and sweating and…. he was on my baby brother! How was I supposed to react?” He pauses, looking down to his feet in slight shame, before his eyes flash with final ember of spite. “First romances never work out. They always end badly. I’m sorry, Frankie, but wasting more of my life in a hospital room, waiting for Mikey to wake up after trying to kill himself again when this Pete guy dumps him isn’t my idea of fun!”

I slap him, clean across the face. Not hard enough to actually cause any sort of damage, but with enough force to make an echoing noise loud enough to snap him out of it.

Then I hear Mikes whimper in fear.

Fuck! The kid was frightened enough already without me, someone who can normally make him feel safe, being the violence that he fears.

I’m just as bad as Gerard.

“Gerard, Mikey, I… I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean it, honest.”

The stammered and heartfelt apology is meant more for Mikey than for Gee, but I see Gerard nod anyway. Good, at least he can see how much his little brother needs him right now; besides, I don’t want Gee angry at me, I love him and never meant to hurt him.

But Mikey’s pulled out of the covers, pushed himself against the bedroom wall and has his knees drawn up close to his chest; just like every time he gets frightened.

“Bro, it’s fine. It didn’t even hurt, okay? It’s nothing like what I did to that bastard.”

Oh, well done Gerard! You actually had me thinking that you were going to say something helpful for once.

“You hurt Pete! Why’d you hurt Pete, Gee? What the fuck did he ever do to you?”

Aw, Mikes. You really love this guy, I can tell. Just by the way you’re finding the courage to stick up for him shows me that this guy is no user, this guy is definitely worthy of being your boyfriend if he can make you feel brave enough to shout. Even if Gerard doesn’t approve of Pete (that was his name, right?), I certainly do. He’s given you courage. And a feeling of being loved.

“He was trying to get into your pants, Mikes. That’s all guys like him care about. But if you wanna act like a little emo-slut, then go ahead.”

And with that Mikey, who is still all shaky and crying like an orphan on mother’s day, gets to his quaking legs and walks to the door. Or tries to. Gerard grabs his shoulders, something rough enough to make the poor kid cry out in fear.

“I’m sorry, Mikes, please… you can’t go. Not again. Remember what happened last time? What nearly happened last time?”

Mikey looks conflicted, longing to be free of the tension of his home yet terrified of upsetting me and Gerard by leaving the haven that has become his hell. I have to say something.

“Gerard, let him go. Look at him, he can’t be here right now; it’s hurting him. Let him go. As long as he keeps his cell turned on, right?”

I know some people would call letting Mikes go off in his current state beyond stupid, but those people clearly haven’t seen the look in the frightened kid’s wide eyes.

Gerard sighs.

Gerard nods. So does Mikes.

As he scampers out of the bedroom door and down the stairs like a mouse from a deadly cat, I can’t help but think one thing; I hope that he goes to Pete’s house.

I turn to Gerard, ready to let him know that he can’t do this sort of thing; that he has to learn to control himself.

“You absolute bastard; you know what he’s like, Gee, you know how he gets. And you still treated him like shit!”

“I… You didn’t see this Pete guy; he was all over him!”

“No, but I saw what you did to Pete. So what if Mikes is in love; you ought to be happy for him.”

I pause, really thinking about how much I mean what I’m about to say next.

“Just like I hope you’ll be happy about sharing a bed with Misfit. I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”

He looks hurt, like I’ve shot him straight through the heart, and I almost feel like taking it back. But I can’t; he has to learn that he can’t just get away with this sort of thing, no matter how good his intentions were. You see, Gerard really isn’t as bad as his miniscule temper would most likely lead a lot of people to believe; he just tries so hard with Mikes that any sort of failure with the poor kid is enough to fry that temper to a crisp. It’s not that he’s mean; he just gets so scared of people thinking he can’t look after his baby brother that he feels he has to turn that fear into rage; he just doesn’t want to look weak when he’s in such an important position. He just wants what’s best for Mikey, of course he does, it’s just that he doesn’t know what’s best anymore; and that frustrates him. He just doesn’t think before he speaks, which wouldn’t be a problem if it were me he had just yelled at because I understand that he doesn’t really mean any of it. But it wasn’t me he just yelled at. It was his nervous, introverted little brother.

Our nervous, introverted little brother.







A/N: Thank you very much for reading; I hope that it wasn’t too dragged out or rushed towards the end. Please review so that I know how to improve! :)