Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Speechless
I wake up in the back of my car, with my head on Frank’s lap. I sit up slowly to find Ray in the driver’s seat and Mikey in the passenger seat. I look over at Frank for an explanation.
“Your mom started yelling… So I picked you up and We’re headed to Gramma Elena’s…”
I look at Mikey who gives me a sad, tearful smile. My heart breaks at how miserable he looks. I reach over and grab one of his hands and squeeze it gently. He squeezes back and doesn’t let go. Poor Mikey… He sniffles and turns off the radio that no one was listening to.
“Gerard?” his voice cracks.
I look up at him.
“I-I’m not fucked up right? I-I’m not just a w-worthless f-fag, r-right?”
You have to talk. You have to talk for Mikey. He needs you. Just talk.
I open my mouth but fail to speak.
Try harder! Look at him! He NEEDS you too tell him he’s not a freak! HE NEEDS YOU TO SPEAK!
In a very quiet voice I manage to say “Of course not.”
He smiles widely “Y-You talked…”
I nodded “H-Had to. For you.”
Ray smiles and turns down Gramma’s street.
Mikey jumps in the backseat and hugs me so tight I’m afraid that my eyes may pop out.
But it would be worth it.
Silence.
Since we got to Gramma’s my voice has been gone. Despite the screaming in my head.
Silence.
I couldn’t talk if my life depended on it. Instead I sit there while they explain.
Silence.
Gramma Elena asks me if I’m okay. I can’t even nod.
Silence.
The next few days, not a single word passes through my lips.
Silence.
Weeks go by and I don’t say a word. Despite my efforts. Despite Frank’s and everyone else’s.
Fear.
Overwhelms me as I wonder if I’ll ever speak again.
Mikey walks over to me and hands me a bowl of Gramma Elena’s salad.
I shake my head and try to hand it back.
His eyes water “Please, Gee? Please eat. For me?”
I look away.
“G-Gerard please! It’s salad! I-It’s healthy!” he starts to cry.
Guilt twists the inside of my stomach as I nod at him and take a bite.
Please don’t cry Mikey. I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll eat! Don’t cry!
If only he could read minds…
I finish the bowl and show him, feeling like a young child showing their empty plate to their parent.
He smiles a little and I wipe his eyes “I wish you could talk…”
I frown and nod. Me too.
Mikey is constantly worrying about me. I’m so glad he has Ray to calm him down. But with my inability to talk, things with Frank and I aren’t going well.
He sighs as we sit in silence on my bed “Gerard?”
I look up at him and almost cringe at the sadness in his eyes.
“I feel so useless. I used to help you talk… now nothing I do works…I can’t even make you smile as much any more… You know I love you, right?”
I nod a few times.
“Good. Because I do. I just… I don’t know what to do.”
I hang my head in shame.
I’ve made Mikey worry.
I’ve made Frank completely miserable.
Why can’t I just fucking talk?
Tears pour out of my eyes, matched with loud sobs, the only noise to escape from my lips. Frank holds me in his arms and rubs my back.
“It’s gonna be okay, Geebear. Just don’t give up. Keep trying, okay? I know you can do it.”
I bite my lip, hoping desperately that he's right.
“Your mom started yelling… So I picked you up and We’re headed to Gramma Elena’s…”
I look at Mikey who gives me a sad, tearful smile. My heart breaks at how miserable he looks. I reach over and grab one of his hands and squeeze it gently. He squeezes back and doesn’t let go. Poor Mikey… He sniffles and turns off the radio that no one was listening to.
“Gerard?” his voice cracks.
I look up at him.
“I-I’m not fucked up right? I-I’m not just a w-worthless f-fag, r-right?”
You have to talk. You have to talk for Mikey. He needs you. Just talk.
I open my mouth but fail to speak.
Try harder! Look at him! He NEEDS you too tell him he’s not a freak! HE NEEDS YOU TO SPEAK!
In a very quiet voice I manage to say “Of course not.”
He smiles widely “Y-You talked…”
I nodded “H-Had to. For you.”
Ray smiles and turns down Gramma’s street.
Mikey jumps in the backseat and hugs me so tight I’m afraid that my eyes may pop out.
But it would be worth it.
Silence.
Since we got to Gramma’s my voice has been gone. Despite the screaming in my head.
Silence.
I couldn’t talk if my life depended on it. Instead I sit there while they explain.
Silence.
Gramma Elena asks me if I’m okay. I can’t even nod.
Silence.
The next few days, not a single word passes through my lips.
Silence.
Weeks go by and I don’t say a word. Despite my efforts. Despite Frank’s and everyone else’s.
Fear.
Overwhelms me as I wonder if I’ll ever speak again.
Mikey walks over to me and hands me a bowl of Gramma Elena’s salad.
I shake my head and try to hand it back.
His eyes water “Please, Gee? Please eat. For me?”
I look away.
“G-Gerard please! It’s salad! I-It’s healthy!” he starts to cry.
Guilt twists the inside of my stomach as I nod at him and take a bite.
Please don’t cry Mikey. I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll eat! Don’t cry!
If only he could read minds…
I finish the bowl and show him, feeling like a young child showing their empty plate to their parent.
He smiles a little and I wipe his eyes “I wish you could talk…”
I frown and nod. Me too.
Mikey is constantly worrying about me. I’m so glad he has Ray to calm him down. But with my inability to talk, things with Frank and I aren’t going well.
He sighs as we sit in silence on my bed “Gerard?”
I look up at him and almost cringe at the sadness in his eyes.
“I feel so useless. I used to help you talk… now nothing I do works…I can’t even make you smile as much any more… You know I love you, right?”
I nod a few times.
“Good. Because I do. I just… I don’t know what to do.”
I hang my head in shame.
I’ve made Mikey worry.
I’ve made Frank completely miserable.
Why can’t I just fucking talk?
Tears pour out of my eyes, matched with loud sobs, the only noise to escape from my lips. Frank holds me in his arms and rubs my back.
“It’s gonna be okay, Geebear. Just don’t give up. Keep trying, okay? I know you can do it.”
I bite my lip, hoping desperately that he's right.
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