FicWad

On Friday, Mikey bounded up the steps from the subway and strode home with a confident swagger. He practically skipped across their drive and flung the front door open, humming to himself and shutting it behind him. It was the happiest he'd been all week. His happiness had pervaded the whole day; work had been great, he'd had lunch with Frank, swapped banter with his boss, given up the last copy of this month's Detective Comics to a young boy and had a conversation about the Cure tshirt (Gerard's) he was wearing with a girl on the train. His mood was bulletproof.

Mikey threw his keys at the bowl near the door and for once they went in. He grinned to himself and sang a couple of words out loud as he shed his coat and walked into the living room to give Gerard his present. They'd had some new limited edition Star Wars Moleskines in at work and as a peace-offering for being a terrible brother this week, Mikey'd got one for Gerard. It had the opening crawl of A New Hope on the cover and it was the perfect size for his artwork.

"Gee?" he called in a sing-song voice, cocking his head to see the whole of the room. He raised an eyebrow at the emptiness and walked through to the kitchen instead. "Gee-ee!"

Nothing.

Mikey frowned slightly and pouted, walked a circuit of the room, then headed for the stairs. He took them two at a time, his light feet barely making a sound and swung round the banister towards Gerard's room. He thought he heard some muffled sound coming from there and smiled in success, turning the handle and pushing open the door.

"Gee! I got you a present, we got these awesome-"

Mikey froze, his mouth still open and his eyes heartbroken as he stared from the doorway at the crumpled sheets on the bed, with Gerard on his back, hair in his face, sweat on his neck and knees up against his chest with Bert McCracken between them, fucking him.

As soon as he heard Mikey's voice, Gerard's head snapped around. "Mikey, wait!" he cried, looking close to tears with worry.

But Mikey was already running out of the room and down the stairs, shaking his head and screwing his face up.

He stalked into the living room and, reaching a dead-end, started pacing and freaking the fuck out. He tried to deny what he'd just seen, but it was branded across his eyes and there was no way he could forget it. It was his every thought, playing over and over. That thrust of Bert's hips that disappeared between his brother's legs, the way Gerard's neck arched in time with the force, the grunt that Bert made before glancing disinterestedly at Mikey in the doorway and Gerard practically yelping in panic.

Mikey dropped onto the sofa and screamed so powerfully it came out silent, his hands clasping either side of his face. He rocked forwards and backwards but nothing made it go away. That final thrust played over and over like a scratch on a record, mocking him. Over and over until it built and built and Mikey broke and broke and he could feel himself imploding and then he could hear steps behind him. He turned around, delirious, and Bert was stood blocking the doorway, topless and doing up his jeans' zip, a cigarette between his teeth.

"Sorry you had to see that, Mikes. Must be weird seeing your brother get some." He pulled a dirty tshirt on and plucked his cigarette from his lips, blowing a jet of smoke in Mikey's direction and grinning. "Still, least you didn't come in for the first round, you'd have been scarred for life. He chuckled and winked at Mikey, putting his cigarette back in his mouth and one hand in his pocket and walked carelessly out of the door.

Mikey ground his teeth and growled, his rage focussed and all-encompassing.

"Mikey!" Gerard almost stumbled over his feet in his rush to get downstairs, pulling a sweatshirt on. The one he'd worn last Saturday morning after he'd fucked Mikey. "Mikey! Mikey I'm so sorry!" he said, practically falling into Mikey and clutching onto his arm.

Mikey snatched his arm away in disgust, and Gerard's face crumpled.

"Mikey, please."

"Don't fucking touch me!" he warned viciously.

"Mikey!" Gerard pleaded

"No!" Mikey all but screamed.

Gerard went quiet, his eyes brimming.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Mikey shouted at him, brows furrowed furiously.

"Mikey I'm so sorry, it didn't mean anything, I'm sorry." Gerard babbled desperately.

"And what exactly are you sorry for, Gerard?" Mikey asked exasperatedly.

"I'm sorry for sleeping with him, it was a mistake, he doesn't mean any-"

"Why are you sorry for sleeping with him Gerard? Why are you apologising to me? Like you said on Sunday, it's none of my business who you fuck, you little whore. Why are you sorry?" he shouted the last part, shaking with anger.

"Because I love you!" Gerard screamed. "And I cheated! And I'm sorry!" His eyes welled up so much they overflowed and tears started tracing down his cheeks. "He came round for a drink and then I don't know what happened, I didn't mean to-"

"SHUT UP!" Mikey screamed, screwing his eyes up. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." he spat, opening his damp eyes and looking at Gerard staring pleadingly at him, his fists shaking. "'Love'? You don't fucking know what love is! Look at you! Your pupils are fucking enormous, you're off your face, you have no idea what you're saying!"

"No listen to me I love you!" Gerard sobbed, reaching to grab Mikey's arm again.

"NO!" Mikey pulled his arm away so forcefully, the back of his hand hit Gerard across the face. He didn't apologise. He stared at his brother, a half-naked, alcohol-reeking, coked-up tear-stained mess, tears falling slowly, spitefully down his cheeks as he clenched his jaw and shook his head. "You have no idea what you're saying. Words are so disposable to you." His voice was shaking. "Like people."

Mikey stared back at Gerard, and bit his lip as Gerard mouthed a 'please' at him through tears, then he silently shook his head.

"You won't even remember this tomorrow." Mikey said quietly, tragically, and with that, stormed out of the room, grabbing his keys and slamming the front door behind him, ignoring the desperate call of his name.

Mikey walked and walked, as fast and far as he could. As soon as he got into town he turned into the first convenience store and bought a bottle of dark rum, then walked and drank on until he got to Terra and pushed through the door, going straight to the bar.

A young guy turned to serve him and Mikey just sniffed and said "JJ."

"Mikes?"

He turned around and saw JJ stand up from cleaning a table and walk over to him, her eyebrows lowered in concern. "Mikes, are you alright?"

"Can we go somewhere?" he asked straight away, his eyes, bloodshot and still damp, imploring her. "Please, I need you, can we just go?"

JJ stared back at him, becoming more and more worried. "O-okay." she nodded. "Okay. I can change my shifts, just a second." She touched his arm reassuringly before walking around the bar and having a hushed conversation with the young guy.

"Please, Danny, I'll do the midnight shift tomorrow, can you just cover me tonight? Hell I'll do next weekend as well, I just really need to go. Please?" "Okay, for you." "Thank you so much."

She disappeared into the back room and returned seconds later with her jacket and keys and rejoined Mikey, putting a hand on his back to guide him towards the door. "C'mon Mikes, let's go."

They left the bar and walked the other way down the highstreet, JJ glancing up at Mikey worriedly every now and then as he stared straight ahead and drank from the bottle in gulps.

"Mikey what happened?" she asked softly, incredulously.

"I don't want to talk about it." he choked, a tear leaking down onto the neck of the bottle and mixing with a dribble of rum.

"Okay." JJ rubbed his back then let her hand fall down to her side and directed Mikey down a side road.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"To my flat."

Mikey just nodded and followed her down another couple of roads then into a large apartment building and up seven floors in an elevator and down a hallway into her flat.

As soon as she shut the door behind them, JJ walked over to Mikey, her eyebrows lowered again, and put a hand on his waist as she walked around him to face him. "Mikes, you didn't come in yesterday, I thought things were getting better. What happened?"

Mikey looked at her, his eyes strained and bloodshot but finally dry. He stepped forwards and kissed her, his lips pushing insistently against hers. JJ started and stared wide-eyed at him, drawing back. "Mikey, what-"

"I just want to forget." he pleaded, snaking his arms around her.

"But Mikes are you sure you wanna-"

"Please! I need you. I just want to forget, I just want to forget." he almost sobbed.

She looked at his distraught face and gave in as he kissed her again, clutching onto her body, and wrapped her arms around his neck. He ran his hands up and down her sides and kissed her deeply, losing himself in the touch of someone other than Gerard, in the touch of a woman. Mikey clumsily walked them backwards into her bedroom, pulling at her clothing, and lowered JJ gently onto the bed and lay on top of her, holding her against him tightly as their breathing grew raspy and she helped him take off his clothes.

Everything was different. Her kiss was softer, her movements sleeker, her body was more malleable, more delicate, more graceful, her touch was soothing not challenging, she wasn't a rival but a partner, she moved with him, not against him, didn't fight for power.

She was everything Gerard wasn't and everything Mikey needed.

*

When Mikey woke up, it was only eleven o'clock; it was still night time. He'd forgotten how early he'd left the house. But not why.

He looked at JJ's body next to him, slim and soft and perfect and looked at how her hair fell over her cheekbone and her lips were still deep red and he felt himself so drawn to her in that moment. He had a flashback to one night in the week when he was drunk and confiding in her about this guy that was messing him around.

"Y'see, I'm not gay, I'm just... I'm just in love with him."

Maybe he'd needed an escape, maybe he'd needed a release, maybe he'd needed the embrace of another person, maybe he'd needed the embrace of a woman. Mikey looked at JJ with his own words in mind and affirmed to himself the fact that this was what attracted him, this was what he liked. He liked women, women's bodies, having sex with women. Not men. He was straight; he wasn't gay. He was not gay. In some small way this made Gerard seem less important, like whatever it was Mikey felt for him, it wasn't the same sort of thing as what he felt for women; it wasn't sexual attraction like that, it was different. This... 'infatuation' with Gerard could be separated and rationalised out as a matter of love, not attraction. And love for one's brother isn't wrong.

Except for when you love his naked body and his beautiful face and the way he speaks through the side of his mouth and the way he kisses you goodnight and the way he holds his paintbrush and the way his little finger sticks out from the others and the way he holds you protectively and fucks you roughly and the way you want to kill him for sleeping with another guy and-

Oh shit.

Mikey closed his eyes and sank back onto the foreign pillow and rubbed his forehead.

He looked at JJ and realised he should be with Gerard.

That realisation was all it took, and Mikey slid out of the bed and started redressing. He checked his pockets for his phone and keys then climbed back on on his knees and kissed her forehead.

JJ mumbled some soft sound under her breath and her eyelids fluttered open, soon focussing on Mikey.

"Hey." he smiled and brushed her hair off her face. She smiled sleepily back. "I'm sorry but I have to go and sort something out."

JJ frowned at remembering and sat up on her elbow. "Mikes, what happened?"

"Can I tell you about it later?" he said apologetically. "I'll tell you all about it later, I just really need to do this now, is that okay?"

She searched his eyes, and, as he seemed more secure than earlier, nodded. "As long as you're alright. You were really not o-fucking-kay earlier." She looked at him perceptively.

"I know." Mikey said quietly, looking down.

"It's this Gerard guy, isn't it?" JJ said.

Mikey looked up at her for a few seconds before replying, "Yes." He stared at her sadly. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "Don't be. Go and do what you have to do. He means a lot to you."

Mikey smiled in relief. "You're great. Thank you." He kissed her quickly on the lips before climbing off the bed and pulling the sheet up over her. She laughed and nodded her thanks, lying down and sharing a smile with him as he walked to the bedroom door and gave her a last wave and let himself out of the apartment.

Mikey left the building and walked home, on the way losing some of the composure he'd had with JJ. So he'd been reminded of how much he loved Gerard, and how much he was in love with him - that still didn't change the immediate past, the reason they'd fought and Mikey had gone out and drank and had sex with a girl. However much he wished different, that had happened and it ripped Mikey's soul in two.

By the time he arrived home, Mikey was still in conflict.

Gerard had said that he loved him. He'd said that he'd cheated on him. Even though he was drunk so it was unreliable, people don't just say those things. That has to come from somewhere.

But then he had fucked Bert McCracken of all people, and Mikey could not forgive that. He could not accept that and what it did to him, how it made him sick to his stomach with jealousy, how it made him want to cry, how it destroyed everything that he was.

He didn't know how to feel when he got home and Gerard was still downstairs, drinking.

Gerard rushed to the hallway when he heard the door shut and pressed himself against Mikey, hugging his tightly. Mikey pushed him off gently, he wasn't ready for that yet.

"Gerard..."

"Mikey I'm so sorry."

For some reason this had the adverse effect on Mikey; it unsettled him rather than soothed.

Gerard slumped to his knees, his arms wrapped loosely around Mikey's legs as he mumbled drunken apologies.

They didn't feel right. The apologies felt like insults. Mikey frowned, cringing as they continued, then was stopped dead by those words again that were the final bullets.

"I love you Mikey." Gerard said, clutching his legs tighter, stroking them, burying his face in Mikey's thighs.

And as Mikey's world crumbled to his feet, his trousers fell to his ankles, and Gerard's lips were around him, hands everywhere, and suddenly he didn't give much of a fuck.

And then he did.

He screwed his face up and pushed Gerard off him, shaking his head violently.

Gerard stumbled backwards, catching himself on his hands and looked up at Mikey; dejected, confused and hurt.

"No. No! You can't just suck me off and everything's okay, Gerard. It doesn't work like that." he said, pulling his trousers up, his face tortured.

As the tears ran freely, Mikey knew this was the last straw. It was time. Gerard wouldn't even remember in the morning but it was too much and it had to come out.

"Don't you understand, Gerard? Don't you fucking understand what you're doing to me?" he begged. "My happiness is solely dependent on you! If you're in a good mood, I'm in a good mood. If you're sad, I'm sad. If you touch me, I'm elated. If you ignore me, I'm tortured. My BEING is reliant upon you, Gerard! I can't exist without you! I have tried and I have tried to push this away and make it into something else, but it doesn't go away. It never goes away. And I can't make it easier because I can't cut you out because you're my fucking brother! And I live with you! I have to see you every fucking day! And it kills me, Gerard. But it rips me to pieces if I don't see you too, so I have no choice but to put myself through this every single day. I have no choice but to subordinate myself to you and pray for your attention like a pathetic fucking dog. And you know what Gerard? That's all I am to you. I'm an animal. I'm your brother when you want me to be, but then I'm just a body, an available body to satisfy your animal fucking urges when you're off your face!

"Why? Why do you do it? You're fucking beautiful, you could have anyone you want in this goddamn city, yet you come home and you fuck your little brother - why?! And then the worst part, the worst part is that you don't even have a conscience about it because you don't remember a single thing you dumb cunt. Because the moment that bottle touches your lips I might as well have roofied you because you won't remember any of it, and I am back to being little Mikey, your baby brother, when you wake up with that smug 'I got laid' look about you and NO IDEA it was me you fucking came in! Christ. You are Jekyll and fucking Hyde when you drink. You are two separate people. But y'know what? You are still Gerard, you still look like Gerard, you still sound like Gerard so I can't separate the two of you, and I will just lie back, spread my legs and do whatever the fuck you want me to do whichever one you are because by this point I have THAT little self-respect. And you know why, Gerard? You know why I have become this pathetic person? Because I'm in love with you. I'm fucking in love with you! And this is what it does to people. This is what you do to people. Think about that next time you feel like a drunken fuck, big brother."

He glared at Gerard then dismissively broke eye contact and walked past him, tears streaming as he went upstairs and left Gerard on his knees in the hallway.