FicWad

The sun was seeping through the seams of the curtain that had been drawn, leaving the room in a dull golden glow. I looked over at the sleeping form next to me, smiling ever so slightly. His arm was wrapped around my waist, holding me close as he slept. The sunlight made the sweat that coated his back shimmer, his skin glistening with a slight golden glow. His hair was a mess, making it overly obvious as to what we had been doing the night before. His closed eyes made his long eyelashes brush his cheek, a small bite mark that I had made leaving a bruise on the left side of his jaw. The sheets under us had been wrinkled and stained, the thin blanket hardly drawn up to our waists, making it easy for me to see the V of his hips, loving the small bite mark where his bone jutted out that I had made the night before.
The last week had been amazing.
School ended and Alex and his friends had a plan. They kept it a secret from me until the last minute, and it was great. Like a little surprise when I wasn't at all expecting one. The first week of summer holiday, spent with the people that I had grown to consider my friends on a beach. It was a secluded part of California, not far from Santa Maria, and we took over the place. There were four cabins, each one having more than one bedroom, a kitchen, and two washrooms. On top of that there was a small building that connected the cabins, giving them a living area for us to play games and drink, along with a dining area to eat the pizza that others would run into the closest town to get.
All in all, we were pretty disconnected from the rest of the world. It allowed us to do anything; we were invincible. The first night was spent smoking and drinking, and goofing off with instruments around a fire. And Jack had brought fireworks, because what the hell? Might as well shoot them off. They pretty beautiful bursting over the ocean, the louder they were, the louder we screamed. And after eating s'mores for the first time ever, Alex took me back to the cabin that we would be sharing with Jack and Rian, allowing me to see the bedroom that he had called dibs on before anyone else even knew where we were going.
We rested on the large bed, talking and smoking, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. And after a moment of comfortable silence where we both smiled up at the beige ceiling, he said the same words to me that I had told him months ago. It made me feel incredible, knowing that I could be loved for me. That he could actually like someone who carried so much weight from the past, who had more scars than anyone could count. He made me feel more like a person than anyone ever had. For the first time in my life, I had sex of my own consent, and with someone that I actually liked.
The second day was spent playing beach valley-ball, wading in the freezing ocean, smoking, drinking, eating candy, dancing as the sun started to set, and singing around the fire as the ocean water lapped at the sand. William even fought off a seagull that thought the food we were cooking was for it. Alex drank until he passed out, and I had Jon help me carry him back to our room. It left me sitting in a room with a somewhat drunk Spencer, an almost sober Jon, a very drunk boy named Gabe, who happened to be William's boy toy. Everyone else had passed out, and we ended up staying up the whole night playing drinking games that Gabe had come up with, talking and laughing and having a better time when we could just take over.
The third day was spent playing games in the living area. There were two large TV's, top of the line. Most of us had never actually gotten to watch anything on a television as nice as the ones that we were in the room with, not that it worked for anything other than playing games and DVD's. It was a new experience, that I could admit to. Alex and I had slipped off early on, muttering nonsense about taking a shower. Instead, we ended up fucking in front of the mirror in the washroom, our eyes meeting in the reflective surface.
The fourth day had nothing planned in it. Everyone did what made them happy. I couldn't help but notice that Ryan seemed to be the only one who wasn't out and about, but my mind was taken from the subject as William offered to go on a walk with me, his boy and Jack having an aggressive kite race. And it was nice to get away from the madness and just talk. The party ended a little early that night, allowing Alex and I to stay on the beach by ourselves. We sat under the starry nights sky, watching and looking for the fault in them. We ended up back in our bedroom around eleven, and continued to have relations until around four in the morning. We were both left speechless and tired, but I didn't sleep. He curled into me, and I wrapped my body around his, letting our naked skin tangle together.
He said a single sentence before he drifted off to sleep. 'I'll miss this.' And I couldn't agree more. Because nothing was better than spending time alone while not having to worry about anyone else on the planet. It was just, me and him.
So I let myself memorize the contours of his body as the sun started to rise, and I knew that I had been fighting off sleep for hours, but it was worth it. To hear the soft noises that he made when he was happy, to have the familiar smell of musk and sweat, watching his chest rise and fall as I thought about the taste of his sweat, of his silky skin.
The sun reaches the blinds, letting light flood in and fall on his eyes, making him rustle slightly in his sleep. And I smile, because I want to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I want to see him first thing when he wakes up. I let my body move closer to his, my nose against his shoulder so I could feel his skin, smell the familiar sent of candy and cigarettes and vodka and him. His eyes flutter open slowly, and his dark eyes rest on mine as a grin breaks out across his face.
"Have you been watching me sleep?" His voice is tired and rough, an obvious indication of our night and how it had been spent.
"Can't take my eyes off you even when I try." I smile, and kiss the skin on his neck, knowing that his eyes are fluttering closed, hearing the soft moan that escapes his lips as I taste his skin, feel his pulse beat beneath my lips and his skin.
"God, I'm going to miss you." I pull away, getting a good view of his face. He had said that he was going to miss this, and I was too, but him saying that he was going to miss ME was something completely different. It implied that I would be gone; removed from his life like a pet that had died. I stared at him, just watching as his eyes widened in that 'I did NOT mean to say that' way, and my stomach churned.
"What?" He stared at me speechless, and I moved away from him, losing the warmth that his body radiated, because I needed to see him. Needed him to tell me what he had meant. But he wasn't speaking, just staring in shock. And then his lips moved, and he made words come out, staring at his lap after he sat up. Not even having the guts to look at me.
"Brendon, this has been a good week for you, right?" I stare.
"Of course it has." But that was because I thought it could keep going. That sure, we would have to go back to reality eventually, but that we still had time. That I still had time. And now, now we can't go back to this. It seems like it's already gone even when we're still sitting in the same bed.
"Well, um… There's no real elegant way for me to put it," I close my eyes, because there never is. "But, I didn't want to tell you. I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to think that it was a waste of time, nor did I want you to be miserable." I shake my head, because I just want him to say it. To stop dancing around the subject like it's nothing. Because it's everything. "You have to understand, that we have to do this. And, I'm not sure there's any real way for you to change anything, because it had been decided before I met you." Yeah, sure, I could understand. Maybe. If I was the one doing it to him, then maybe. "We're leaving tonight, around seven. Going back to the east coast, Rian Jack and I."
And he's known it for months, and hasn't mentioned it, and this entire week has just been a show to tell me how gullible I am, and how wrong I was for possibly thinking that it could last. I got up, my throat feeling dry, tears stinging my eyes as I rushed out of bed to find my lost clothing. He didn't try to stop me, didn't grab my wrist or hold onto my waist. Just said a few pathetic pleading words, and I couldn't take it. I couldn't believe it.
He was the one leaving ME; the fact that he could possibly be sad about me walking out of that room and onto the beach, racing against my heart to get to a different cabin, made me physically sick. And I was already sick from the feeling of him. The fact that I could still feel him in me, feel his warmth. My vision was blurred, but I made it to Spencer's cabin and barged in, walking straight to the washroom where I slammed the door shut and locked it, sliding down the wall.
How dare I, for even one second, actually believe that something like him could last. I was such a fucking idiot, and I was the only person who didn't know. I could feel his skin against mine, feel the warmth and the electricity from his touch, and I could taste his sweat, and I felt so USED. Like he could just fuck me and then leave and get away with it. Because that was essentially what he was doing. All other emotions were lost in the sea of lust and he was leaving.
He was fucking leaving me.
I don't know how long I stayed against the wall and cried, but I know it must have been over an hour. Spencer knocked on the door, tried to coax me out; I ignored it. Jon tried to talk to me through the wood, convince me that it would be okay; I ignored him. And I calmed down on my own, feeling heart broken and lost and used and filthy, but I was calm enough to breathe and light a cigarette and hear one single soft knock on the door. No words were spoken, and I could feel a chill run down my spine, because there was only one person it could be, and I had locked myself in this washroom for probably over two hours now, and it was only fitting that they forced him to try and calm me down as well.
I reluctantly unlocked the door.
He stepped in slowly, shutting the door and locking it behind him, staring at me as I leaned against the wall opposite him. His honey eyes searched mine, and I knew I looked like a wreck and smelled of sex and was all around unappealing, but he smile ever so slightly.
"He lied." I said the words slowly, weakly, and they still choked me up. Tears were running down my cheeks again. He nodded his head like he approved and wanted me to continue, so I did. "I just…I wanted this to last. Like, maybe not forever because forever is a long time, but maybe just a few more months. Maybe a week more of happiness and I could let him go but…I never get to be happy. And now he's leaving. And I feel stupid and worthless and used. Like a fucking puppet. Something that can just be tossed to the side when you're done playing with it. God, I'm just a toy to other people." He moves to sit next to me, taking a cigarette pack out of his pocket, lighting it with a match, watching the match burn till it reaches his fingertips. And we sit in this silence; no tension or anything uncomfortable. Just a silence.
And then he speaks, his words soft and sweet like honey. "I know it hurts, but this is how it works: You're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You cry until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath." He paused, and I stared him, watching the way his thin lips met the filter of his cigarette as he took a drag, inhaling the smoke before exhaling slowly. And we both watched as the smoke rose with confidence that I was sure neither of us could find. "You're born, and then you die. It happens to everyone. It's the space in-between the first seconds of life and the last seconds before death that matter." I wonder if he's reversed this speech, if he's said it to himself a million times to try and make it through. Because we're all just trying to make it through. There's that silence again, and I watch him, wait for him to say something else. "Spencer's really mad at me. I should go." He stands, flicking his almost finished cigarette to the floor, pressing his barefoot over it before twisting, and I can't help but wonder if it hurts; judging by the look on his face, it doesn't. He unlocks the door, letting his hand hover over the handle for a moment before speaking one last time.
"The universe just wants to be noticed." And then he opens the door and I watch Ryan walk out, closing the door behind him.
And he couldn't be more wrong, because the universe doesn't want to be noticed because it makes itself known every day. I always notice it; every little detail it has set up for me to find, and no, it doesn't need to be noticed. Instead, I want to be noticed by the universe. I want it to see me as an individual, to take pity on me and all of the shit I've gone through. But what are the chances, of this great big universe with seven billion other people, that it would bother to take even the slightest interest in me?
None; and that's why it's so hard to try.


~~~~~

So I think I'm just going to stick to updating this story and this story alone for awhile, because I have no idea what else you guys might want me to update and I just don't have much time to get around to adding chapters that won't get any attention.
But you all like this one, yeah?

SyraStrange: Isn't it great how things like that work out?
And yeah, everyone ends up getting hurt in the end. But it's all good. For now.

AnotherKnifeInMyHand: In all honesty, I do, too. Nah, cheating and dying are overrated. This is much better and much more painful. (Though I did think about the cheating thing. Decided...well, you'll have to wait to see that.)
Don 't plan on quitting anytime soon, there's still too much to be said.

TheAnonymous: He does. He really truly does. But, ya know, what would this story be without the pain?

monstrice901: Glad you like it, always happy to gain a new reader.

marissasorrentino: Gosh, that sounds a bit like gushing, but I'll admit that it makes me feel amazing to read.

-xoxo Pansy.