Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Life Is Full of False Hopes
Okay, so I know it's been a really really long time. I'm hoping that you can all forgive me for taking such a fucking long time for updating this. If it's any constellation, I'm thinking that I'll only update this one for a few months. It seems to be the most well-recived out of my stories, and it's the one that gets the most people wanting updates. So...That's that.
Who's excited?
~~~~~
I closed my eyes, breathing out slowly. I wasn't sure if I wanted to forgive him, or hate him, but I knew that it was a problem that needed to be faced. I stood up, rising from the tiled floor of the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, hating what I saw. Bags under bloodshot eyes, tear stained cheeks that had smeared eyeliner, my hair sticking up in every possible direction; I looked like a slut. I sighed, looking down at the sink, licking my lips as I debated my next move.
Spencer was siting outside of the washroom when I opened the door, biting his nails as he watched the clock. His head turned to me when the door opened and he smiled. "Hey." I nodded.
"Hi." My voice sounded awful, it was so raw from crying that I could hardly speak the single word.
"Look Brendon, I know that he didn't tell you, and that was fucking stupid of him, but you have to know that he didn't mean it to end this way. In all of my years of knowing Alex, you are the only one he's been completely faithful to. He used to fuck without even thinking about it, but not with you." He paused, glancing at the door before looking back over to me. "Do you know what that means?" I shook my head. "You were special to him." I nodded again. He sighed, like he understood why I wasn't talking. "You should go see him. Just to let him know that you care, even if you're still mad."
"I know." He gave me a small smile, and I walked out the door, feeling guilty for reasons that I couldn't comprehend. It didn't make sense for me to be the one feeling guilty, he made me feel used and stupid. But part of me wanted to believe that it wasn't all his fault, and that I really was just as guilty as he was.
The sand was warm beneath my feet as I made my way to the other cabin, making me stop halfway there. I looked over at the ocean and it's crashing waves; the crystal blue water, the white sea foam, the golden sand, and at the edge of it all, Ryan. He had collapsed into the sand staring out at the sea with his legs pulled to his chest, his chestnut hair rustling in the wind. There was something off about him, though I couldn't figure out what it was.
His arms. That's what it was. It was the first time I had seen him without sleeves on, and his arms looked like they had gone through a shredder. Long and bright red and pink lines crisscrossing their way up and down both arms, some of the fresher ones black from the scabbing. It was completely different to his wrists, which had no cuts on them, but rather a plethora of bruises the size of fingerprints, green black purple and blue. I wanted to say something to him, but I knew what it was like, and I knew he wouldn't say anything back, so I kept moving.
I walked into the cabin I had been staying in, hearing screaming and plates breaking as I moved towards the kitchen. Alex was screaming, throwing every breakable object he could find at the wall while Rian and Jack tried to calm him down. Jack noticed me before anyone else, stopping his screaming as he gave me a look that made me feel all to conscious about my appearance. I shifted from foot to foot, watching Jack squeeze Rian's shoulder, having him turn and look at me as well. He continued to argue with Alex, telling him to calm down as he continued to scream nonsense. Jack nodded and looked away.
I jumped when I heard another plate shatter against the wall. I closed my eyes, breathing out slowly before moving towards him. I snuck up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist tightly. Everything went silent, Jack and Rian left the room, and it was just us and silence. I buried my face in his hair, breathing him in. He was shaking, ever so slightly, enough to tell me that tears were running down his cheeks. He put his hands over my own, holding onto them tightly.
"I'm sorry." He whispered the words, turning around in my arm so we were face to face.
"I know." He smiled, I kissed him before burying my face in his neck. We stayed like that, his arms holding onto me tightly as he buried his face in my hair, my arms holding him in place, like if I let go he would drift off to some other place. Which wasn't that far from what was actually going to happen. I listened to his steady breathing, loving the sound. I smiled against his skin, laughing a little. "You reek."
He laughed with me, breathing in heavily. "So do you." We broke the embrace, and he stared at me, looking guilty as I smiled. "I should have told you. I should have- I didn't think." I kissed him, effectively shutting him up.
"Shower?" Alex nodded, taking my hand so we could take a shower.
Alex and I stayed on the beach for our last hours together. Everyone let us be alone, not one of them coming up to bother us. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want what we had to end, but I never get what I want. It had been getting late for days, and I was hardly worth his time, but we stayed still on the warm sand, ignoring the fact that it would eventually end.
That was a fact that neither of us were willing to face.
I woke up with my head on someones lap, the similar sent of vanilla cigarettes and honey welcoming my hazy mind. Everyone had said their goodbyes, Gabe and William going off to their home, Jack and Rian and Alex flying in a plane that was already miles away, leaving Spencer Ryan Jon and I to ride the eight hour car ride back to Vegas in a mostly empty vehicle.
Spencer was talking softly as fingers weaved their way through my hair. "Ryan, what were you thinking? I mean, we all already have enough on our minds, we don't need you giving us fucking heart attacks every five minutes."
"Shit Spencer, just go easy on him, okay? He made a mistake, like you haven't ever done that before." Jon spoke softly, in a calming way. A wrist moved into my sight, a familiar looking bracelet on it. A sliver chain, a small sun hooked onto it with the word love unscripted on the back. I closed my eyes, trying to remember where I had seen it before. "How's Brendon doing?"
"He's still asleep." I smiled, loving the sound of that voice. I could listen to it for hours, so gentle and calm, like the sea before a storm.
"I can't believe Alex waited to tell him, the poor kid must be heartbroken." Spencer's voice had a hint of sadness in it, and Jon hummed his agreement. But they weren't what I wanted to hear, and my mind was becoming clear, reminding me what had happened, so I went back to sleep.
It was too hard to try and stay awake with the memories, because all it would do would make me miss his skin even more. And the biggest problem with that, was that I didn't know who's skin I missed more. Which pair of lips I ached to touch. Which sent I wanted to have on me forever. Which pair of eyes I longed to see more. Which smile I wanted to be directed at me. Who I wanted to be with.
It was hard to stay awake, because my mind would run around in circles, debating which one I wanted more.
Sugar or honey?
Pot or cigarettes?
Brown eyes or amber eyes?
The stars or the sun?
Alex or Ryan?
~~~~~
Obsessive-Fangirl: Unfortunately, you can't marry this story. You see, in order to marry something, both you, and what you want to marry have to consent. And seeing as this story isn't even a tangible thing, let alone something that has a mind of it's own, you cannot.
It's sad, but a fact, is still a fact.
Anyway, glad you like it.
SyraStrange: I feel like if anyone in this story should be deep, it should be Ryan. That could just be me, though. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
AnotherKnifeInMyHand: It could be, but we don't know that seeing as we don't have the alternate path in which Alex dies. But, that's just me and my crazy talk. Besides, it might work out in the end. Right?
I personally love philosophy, so the fact that I have a character like that isn't really surprising. I'm glad I can make you happy with my updates.
TheAnonymous: I'm glad you liked it, and I'm happy that you understood.
PartyPoison: I actually forget a lot. Especially with this story. I have to constantly go through older chapters to look for bits and pieces to try and remind me if I had done something that needed to change, or if someone had said something that needed to be remembered. It's really time consuming.
But hey, if I can make it seem like I always remember, then I must be doing something right.
Why thank you, I do try.
Right now, I'm really into my Underneath the Overpass story, but that's mostly because there's going to be a sequel that I just can't wait to write. But, like I said in my note, I'm just going to update this one for a while.
Party_x_Poison: I haven't forgotten, I just couldn't for the life of me write this chapter. Not sure why. Sorry it took so long.
I'm not sure people thank me much at all, but they don't really have to. It's nice of you to say that I'm an amazing writer, but the truth is that I'm not actually that good. I'm poor at descriptions and awful at adding detail. The only real thing I seem to be good at is conveying emotion. And since that's the basis of what most of my stories are, it makes it seem as if I'm a good writer.
In any case, thank you for the complement.
YouCanRunAwayWithMe: The whole story eh? That must have taken a while. It is somewhat emotional, but I'm doubtful that it would fall under the 'real' category. Despite that, I'm glad that you like it, and I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long.
-xoxo Pansy.
Who's excited?
~~~~~
I closed my eyes, breathing out slowly. I wasn't sure if I wanted to forgive him, or hate him, but I knew that it was a problem that needed to be faced. I stood up, rising from the tiled floor of the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, hating what I saw. Bags under bloodshot eyes, tear stained cheeks that had smeared eyeliner, my hair sticking up in every possible direction; I looked like a slut. I sighed, looking down at the sink, licking my lips as I debated my next move.
Spencer was siting outside of the washroom when I opened the door, biting his nails as he watched the clock. His head turned to me when the door opened and he smiled. "Hey." I nodded.
"Hi." My voice sounded awful, it was so raw from crying that I could hardly speak the single word.
"Look Brendon, I know that he didn't tell you, and that was fucking stupid of him, but you have to know that he didn't mean it to end this way. In all of my years of knowing Alex, you are the only one he's been completely faithful to. He used to fuck without even thinking about it, but not with you." He paused, glancing at the door before looking back over to me. "Do you know what that means?" I shook my head. "You were special to him." I nodded again. He sighed, like he understood why I wasn't talking. "You should go see him. Just to let him know that you care, even if you're still mad."
"I know." He gave me a small smile, and I walked out the door, feeling guilty for reasons that I couldn't comprehend. It didn't make sense for me to be the one feeling guilty, he made me feel used and stupid. But part of me wanted to believe that it wasn't all his fault, and that I really was just as guilty as he was.
The sand was warm beneath my feet as I made my way to the other cabin, making me stop halfway there. I looked over at the ocean and it's crashing waves; the crystal blue water, the white sea foam, the golden sand, and at the edge of it all, Ryan. He had collapsed into the sand staring out at the sea with his legs pulled to his chest, his chestnut hair rustling in the wind. There was something off about him, though I couldn't figure out what it was.
His arms. That's what it was. It was the first time I had seen him without sleeves on, and his arms looked like they had gone through a shredder. Long and bright red and pink lines crisscrossing their way up and down both arms, some of the fresher ones black from the scabbing. It was completely different to his wrists, which had no cuts on them, but rather a plethora of bruises the size of fingerprints, green black purple and blue. I wanted to say something to him, but I knew what it was like, and I knew he wouldn't say anything back, so I kept moving.
I walked into the cabin I had been staying in, hearing screaming and plates breaking as I moved towards the kitchen. Alex was screaming, throwing every breakable object he could find at the wall while Rian and Jack tried to calm him down. Jack noticed me before anyone else, stopping his screaming as he gave me a look that made me feel all to conscious about my appearance. I shifted from foot to foot, watching Jack squeeze Rian's shoulder, having him turn and look at me as well. He continued to argue with Alex, telling him to calm down as he continued to scream nonsense. Jack nodded and looked away.
I jumped when I heard another plate shatter against the wall. I closed my eyes, breathing out slowly before moving towards him. I snuck up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist tightly. Everything went silent, Jack and Rian left the room, and it was just us and silence. I buried my face in his hair, breathing him in. He was shaking, ever so slightly, enough to tell me that tears were running down his cheeks. He put his hands over my own, holding onto them tightly.
"I'm sorry." He whispered the words, turning around in my arm so we were face to face.
"I know." He smiled, I kissed him before burying my face in his neck. We stayed like that, his arms holding onto me tightly as he buried his face in my hair, my arms holding him in place, like if I let go he would drift off to some other place. Which wasn't that far from what was actually going to happen. I listened to his steady breathing, loving the sound. I smiled against his skin, laughing a little. "You reek."
He laughed with me, breathing in heavily. "So do you." We broke the embrace, and he stared at me, looking guilty as I smiled. "I should have told you. I should have- I didn't think." I kissed him, effectively shutting him up.
"Shower?" Alex nodded, taking my hand so we could take a shower.
Alex and I stayed on the beach for our last hours together. Everyone let us be alone, not one of them coming up to bother us. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want what we had to end, but I never get what I want. It had been getting late for days, and I was hardly worth his time, but we stayed still on the warm sand, ignoring the fact that it would eventually end.
That was a fact that neither of us were willing to face.
I woke up with my head on someones lap, the similar sent of vanilla cigarettes and honey welcoming my hazy mind. Everyone had said their goodbyes, Gabe and William going off to their home, Jack and Rian and Alex flying in a plane that was already miles away, leaving Spencer Ryan Jon and I to ride the eight hour car ride back to Vegas in a mostly empty vehicle.
Spencer was talking softly as fingers weaved their way through my hair. "Ryan, what were you thinking? I mean, we all already have enough on our minds, we don't need you giving us fucking heart attacks every five minutes."
"Shit Spencer, just go easy on him, okay? He made a mistake, like you haven't ever done that before." Jon spoke softly, in a calming way. A wrist moved into my sight, a familiar looking bracelet on it. A sliver chain, a small sun hooked onto it with the word love unscripted on the back. I closed my eyes, trying to remember where I had seen it before. "How's Brendon doing?"
"He's still asleep." I smiled, loving the sound of that voice. I could listen to it for hours, so gentle and calm, like the sea before a storm.
"I can't believe Alex waited to tell him, the poor kid must be heartbroken." Spencer's voice had a hint of sadness in it, and Jon hummed his agreement. But they weren't what I wanted to hear, and my mind was becoming clear, reminding me what had happened, so I went back to sleep.
It was too hard to try and stay awake with the memories, because all it would do would make me miss his skin even more. And the biggest problem with that, was that I didn't know who's skin I missed more. Which pair of lips I ached to touch. Which sent I wanted to have on me forever. Which pair of eyes I longed to see more. Which smile I wanted to be directed at me. Who I wanted to be with.
It was hard to stay awake, because my mind would run around in circles, debating which one I wanted more.
Sugar or honey?
Pot or cigarettes?
Brown eyes or amber eyes?
The stars or the sun?
Alex or Ryan?
~~~~~
Obsessive-Fangirl: Unfortunately, you can't marry this story. You see, in order to marry something, both you, and what you want to marry have to consent. And seeing as this story isn't even a tangible thing, let alone something that has a mind of it's own, you cannot.
It's sad, but a fact, is still a fact.
Anyway, glad you like it.
SyraStrange: I feel like if anyone in this story should be deep, it should be Ryan. That could just be me, though. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
AnotherKnifeInMyHand: It could be, but we don't know that seeing as we don't have the alternate path in which Alex dies. But, that's just me and my crazy talk. Besides, it might work out in the end. Right?
I personally love philosophy, so the fact that I have a character like that isn't really surprising. I'm glad I can make you happy with my updates.
TheAnonymous: I'm glad you liked it, and I'm happy that you understood.
PartyPoison: I actually forget a lot. Especially with this story. I have to constantly go through older chapters to look for bits and pieces to try and remind me if I had done something that needed to change, or if someone had said something that needed to be remembered. It's really time consuming.
But hey, if I can make it seem like I always remember, then I must be doing something right.
Why thank you, I do try.
Right now, I'm really into my Underneath the Overpass story, but that's mostly because there's going to be a sequel that I just can't wait to write. But, like I said in my note, I'm just going to update this one for a while.
Party_x_Poison: I haven't forgotten, I just couldn't for the life of me write this chapter. Not sure why. Sorry it took so long.
I'm not sure people thank me much at all, but they don't really have to. It's nice of you to say that I'm an amazing writer, but the truth is that I'm not actually that good. I'm poor at descriptions and awful at adding detail. The only real thing I seem to be good at is conveying emotion. And since that's the basis of what most of my stories are, it makes it seem as if I'm a good writer.
In any case, thank you for the complement.
YouCanRunAwayWithMe: The whole story eh? That must have taken a while. It is somewhat emotional, but I'm doubtful that it would fall under the 'real' category. Despite that, I'm glad that you like it, and I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long.
-xoxo Pansy.
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