Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Behind the Trash Can

That's Just Wrong

by LadyFoxFire 2 reviews

While taking out the trash, a business man discover something unexpected behind the trash cans

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, Humor - Characters: Harry, Sirius - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2006-06-25 - Updated: 2006-06-25 - 1778 words

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own it and I don't make any money off of this fic. But how I wish I did.

Bad Author's Notes: This was the last chapter that Relle and I worked on together. The next chapter will be all mine.

I was able to extend this chapter by 3 whole pages. Also my mind has been a little sick recently so try to locate the two-movie reference I used in the fic. The first one is a quote from a movie and if you follow my writing you should be able to pick it up right away. The second one will be a bit harder to pick out. I will tell you it's from a cartoon that almost everyone has seen. Good luck.

Last warning: Do NOT eat or drink anything while reading this fic. I would hate for you to choke to dead.

That's Just Wrong

By Lady FoxFire and Relle

August 29, 2003

Revised: October 31, 2004

Four Years Later

"Harold Sirius O'Connell! If you're not at this table by the count of ten, you are not going fishing with your father today!" Mary yelled up the stairs for her son before walking back to the kitchen.

The shout of 'Coming, mum!' could be heard echoing through the house.

"I swear, he's gets more and more like you everyday," Mary mumbled exasperatedly at her husband.

"What, you mean more attractive, sweet, and devilishly charming?" Sean asked playfully as he wrapped his arms around her.

"No. He's driving me /crazy/," she replied with a smirk as she slipped out of his arms and flicked on the TV.

"... The public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous." The report droned on as a picture of a gaunt face with shoulder-length black hair appeared next to the reporter. "A special hot-line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately."

"Dad?" Harry said as he looked up at his father with dread in his eyes after the report ended. "Will you have to go into the office today?"

"No. That's down in London and has nothing to do with us," Sean explained as he ruffled his son's messy black hair. "So what else do you want to do on your birthday, besides fishing? It's not every day you turn seven."


A navy blue BMW rolled to a stop in the driveway of a large, square, but unremarkable house on Privet Drive. Out of the car steps a large stocky man, who undoubltly was a rugby player in his young. Unfortunately, the muscles he once possessed had slowly been replaced with flab with years of deskwork.

Whistling to himself in a cheery manner, Vernon Dursley started up the path to the house, briefcase in hand. At the front door, he set down his briefcase, straightened his tie and ran a flipper-like hand through his thinning brown hair before opening the door and striding in.

Throughout his daily ritual, Dursley never noticed the pair of piercing, iron-grey eyes that followed his every move. In the neatly trimmed brushes that separate the yards, a huge, black hound hunched in the shadows.

As the front door of Number Four Privet Drive swung shut, the dog climbed to his feet and trotted towards the entrance. Lying down in the shadows of the hydrangea bushes that flanked the door, the dog pressed an ear to the door to listen for sounds from within the house.

"Dudley? Where are you?" A voice that could only be the elder Dursley could be heard bellowing through the open window above the bushes.

"He's spending the weekend with the Piers," the high pitch nasal whine of Petunia replied.

"Really?" Vernon exclaimed in surprise. "You mean we have the house to ourselves?"

The dog cocked his head to the side as it waited for Petunia's answer, which was not forthcoming.

"Excellent!" Vernon exclaimed in a lustful voice before a feminine squeal echoed through the house and the sound of the couple running up the stairs filled the air.

Leaving the safety of the bushes, the black hound slowly padded around to the back of the house, its head hung low as it sniffed at the ground.

In the back, the dog quickly searched the garden before walking to back the house. With a pop sounding like a champagne bottle opening, the dog vanished, and in its place stood a tall, thin man with an austere face and black, shoulder-length hair.

Anyone who watched the telly recently would have recognized instantly Sirius Black, the famed mass murderer and escaped convict.

With a quick glance at the neighboring houses, Black quickly approached the back door and tried the handle, which turned easily in his hand. Slipping inside, he pulled the door shut behind him, sliding the deadbolt closed.

Black silently made his way through the lower level of the house, checking each room for signs of life in the house and shutting any window he found open.

Black stopped as the noise of the couple upstairs grew louder.

"Ohhhh! Just like that, my hulking piece of love cheese," cooed a woman's voice who was undoubtable was Petunia Dursley.

'Hulking piece of love cheese?' Sirius mouthed in silence as he shook his head in bewilderment.

The squeaking of bedsprings grew louder.

"Yeah! Yeah! Who's your fuck bunny!" Vernon cried out as Sirius threw the lock on the front door downstairs.

"You are! You are!" Petunia screamed.

The squeaks of the stairs were masked by the sounds emanating from the master bedroom as Black slowly made his way up the stairs.

"Oh, yes! Just like that! Oh! More! More!"

Silently Black turned the doorknob and pushed open the bedroom door.

The sight that greeted him stopped the escaped convict in his tracks. On the bed was the pasty white, flabby body of Vernon Dursley as he pleasured his wife and on top of his head was a pair of pink rabbit ears.

"Thump me, bunny! Thump me!" Petunia moaned somewhere underneath mass of blubber that was her husband.

"That's just...that's just wrong," Sirius muttered, looking a tad bit ill.

"What?" Vernon said in confusion as he turned to look over his shoulder. His eyes bulged to cartoon-like proportion as he saw what could only be a homeless bum standing in the bedroom doorway.

Vernon quickly rolled off the bed and stood only in his stockings as he faced the intruder.

"Who are you? What are you doing in my house?" Vernon said as he tried in vain to appear menacing as he ripped off the rabbit ears.

Sirius's mouth opened. And closed. And opened again. And shut again. All without a sound coming out as he was confronted with Vernon Dursley clothed in only a pair of black socks and a set of crushed rabbit ears in his hands.

"At least cover up!" Black was finally able to chock out.

Vernon blinked in confusion as mind tried to process what the stranger had said before he realized that he was currently at a clothing disadvantage. Dropping the rabbit ears Vernon made a desperate grasp for the blanket petunia was using to protect her modesty.

"Give me those blankets," Vernon growled as tried to wrench the blankets away from Petunia.

"No," Petunia squealed like a two-year-old child has a tantrum.

"Give me them!" Vernon said as fought with his wife for a blanket in an attempt to cover up what little he could.

The house echoed with squeals and grunts as the Dursleys fought for the blankets, trying to cover up their bodies.

Sirius stood in the doorway, tapping his foot, his arms crossed over his chest as he waited impatiently.

With a cry of triumph, Vernon was finally able to wrestle the blankets away from Petunia and wrap them around himself, while Petunia resorted to hugging a pillow to her torso.

"Who are you? How dare you enter my house!" Vernon shouted once again.

"Vernon," Petunia gasped in fright as her eyes widened in recognition, "he's one of them."

"One of them?" Vernon said in confusion as he took his eyes off the intruder for a moment to glance at his wife.

Petunia nodded her head; "He's a friend of Lily. I remember him."

Sirius's brown eyes turned back to Petunia. "Hello, Petunia. It's been a long time."

Mrs. Dursley swallowed nervously; her eyes wide with fear as she clutch the pillow tighter to her. "You... You were one of James' friends, weren't you?"

Sirius nodded his head. "My name is Sirius Black."

"Black!" Vernon's voice broke as he squeaked. "The murderer?"

Sirius turned his attention back to Vernon and smiled, which caused Vernon to tremble in fear. His grip on the blanket loosened as it fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

"What do you want?" asked Petunia as she found her courage and held her head up high.

"/Where is he/?" Sirius said, stressing each word.

"Where's who?" Petunia countered nervously as she lost her nerve and started to back away from him until she was pressed against the headboard.

"My godson." Sirius growled as he advanced into the room. "Where is Harry?"

The Dursleys paled as the blood rushed from their faces. "He ran away." "Some wizards took him years ago." The couple answered at the same time.

Sirius's eyebrow raised at their confusing statements. "Where is Harry?" He growled in a deep threating tone.

"It's all his fault." Petunia squeaked as she pointed at her husband.

"It is not." Vernon snapped as he turned on his wife. "You were the one who didn't want the little bastard. You wouldn't even let me/ drown/ the runt."

"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY GODSON?" Sirius bellowed as he glared venomously at the couple.

"Vernon dumped him in Scotland." Petunia answered quickly, trying to place blame on her husband.

"You're the one who told the child not to move from the alley." Vernon growled as he turned on his wife. "You're the one who made us drive to Edinburgh so that the little brat couldn't be traced back to us."

"You abandoned my godson in Edinburgh?" Sirius asked in a deadly voice as he stared in disbelief at the couple. "You abandoned Lily and James only son, your own flesh and blood!"

"He's not /my /flesh and blood," Vernon retorted as he puffed out his chest haughtily, looking down at the convict in his house. "I never asked for nor wanted that freak in my house. I would have done the world a favor if I /had /drowned the bastard!"

"Wrong answer," Sirius said in a deadly calm tone as he shut the bedroom door behind him.

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