Categories > Cartoons > Fairly OddParents
Valentine's Hangover
0 reviews10 hours of Timmy Turner's life are unaccounted for, and it's time we find out why. And there's an ocelot in the bathroom.
1Funny
Fairly Odd Parents
Valentine’s Hang-Over
(Fade in to Timmy Turner’s bedroom, which is, for lack of a better term, a mess.)
Narrator: We begin our tale, for the 4th time I may add, in the bedroom of Timmy Turner…but it’s the day after Valentine’s. Well this is a first. A Valentine’s story that starts after the day it’s supposed to be based on.
Timmy’s Voice: Hey, keep it down! I’ve got a splitting headache.
(From underneath his bed sheets crawls Timmy. His eyes are bloodshot and he’s wearing a pair of handcuffs on his right wrist.)
Timmy: Aw man. My heads throbbing, I feel nauseous, my vision’s blurry and I feel like I got my butt handed to me. I really, really hope I didn’t watch “The Last Airbender” again!
(As Timmy rubs his eyes, he looks to his fishbowl and sees that neither Cosmo, Wanda or Poof are inside.)
Timmy: Ok, this is a bad sign. The fact that I can’t remember the last 10 hours of my life or seem to know what happened to my fairy godparents is starting to freak me out! (As he frantically looks around the room, he sees a lump underneath his sheets next to him.) Funny, I don’t remember that being here.
(Timmy shrugs and pulls the sheet down…to see lying on the bed next to him is Tootie. And directly on top of her is Trixie Tang.)
Timmy: …this is an indication last night was either the best or worst thing that could happen to me.
Trixie: (half awake) Is that you Crimson Chin? I was waiting forever for you to save me!
Tootie: (half awake) Oh Timmy, you were twice the stud I thought you’d be!
Timmy: Excuse me, you two? You might want to open your eyes.
Narrator: And at that point, Trixie and Tootie DID open their eyes and react accordingly to the scene unfolding between them.)
(Tootie and Trixie both blink as they awaken…and scream)
Tootie: GAAAAHHH!!!!
Trixie: AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Tootie: What do you think you’re doing?!!
Trixie: ME? Why are your hands all over me?!! Oh my God, what did we do last night? Was any of this even LEGAL?
Timmy: Uh… (looks at the handcuffs on his arm.) Let’s assume it was.
Tootie: I always dreamed that I would spend a night in his bed. Just not with another woman. Although there was the one time I had that dream…
Trixie: Yeah, way more information than I ever wanted to know.
Timmy: Maybe we can discuss that dream later, in greater detail. Wait, why are you guys in my room?
Voice: UGGGHHH…why am I laying next to a sock? (Veronica crawls out from underneath Timmy’s bed.)
Timmy: There’s a reason why you’re underneath my bed, right?
Veronica: Legally?
Tootie: Yes, let’s go with that.
Veronica: I haven’t a clue. I need to use your bathroom please, I feel like vomiting up a whole goat.
(Veronica slowly walks over to Timmy’s bathroom and opens the door, then closes it immediately and jumps on his desk.)
Veronica: WHY IS THERE AN OCELOT IN YOUR BATHROOM?!!
Timmy: A what now? (Timmy opens the door to his bathroom and peers inside. On top of the toilet bowl sits an ocelot, staring right back at him. Timmy quickly closes the door and locks it) Great, as if I didn’t have enough animals marking their territory in my bathroom lately.
Trixie: You know normally I am not one to panic, but you’ll have to forgive the rise in tone of my voice as I try to figure out WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS GOING ON!!!
Timmy: Don’t panic. Let’s find my parents, maybe they can shed some light on what happened.
(Cut to the kitchen. Timmy’s mom is slowly drinking a huge cup of coffee as the 4 make their way downstairs.)
Mrs. Turner: Oh man, I am NEVER doing that with a lawn gnome ever again.
Tootie: Mrs. Turner, are you ok?
Veronica: You look exactly the same way my dad looks every time Grandma finishes one of her overnight visits. Only you don’t reek of whiskey and bitter hatred.
Mrs. Turner: I’m fine. I just have a huge migraine and a horrible taste in my mouth. I thought it was from watching “The Last Airbender” but the mayor had ordered all copies of it to be burned.
Timmy: We kinda figured. Anyway, where’s Dad? And can you tell us what happened last night?
Mrs. Turner: You don’t know? I was hoping you would remember. I’m a little fuzzy on the details actually. All I remember is the Valentine’s Party and having a sundae and the next thing I know, I woke up passed out and face down in—well it’s not important where I was. We just need to know where your dad is. Also, why are you wearing handcuffs?
Timmy: I seriously wish I knew.
Trixie: Let’s just try to reconstruct what happened. The party… yes the one you threw for Valentine’s. I remember getting your invitation.
Tootie: So did I.
Veronica: And we all arrived at the same time. It gets a little hazy after that.
Timmy: All I can really recall is making my world famous Cherrychanga Sundaes.
Tootie: I’m curious about where you got the idea for making Cherrychangas.
Timmy: Internet!
Tootie: ... (narrows her eyes)
Timmy: FINE!! I GOT IT FROM A WEBSITE AFTER WATCHING AN EPIOSDE OF MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!! AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S MY FAVORITE PONY!! QUIT WITH THE STARES!!
Trixie: You would be surprised who watches that show actually.
(Cut to Francis’ house. Francis sits on the couch and watches TV.)
Francis: I hope Fluttershy gets out of this one ok!
(Back to Timmy’s house)
Timmy: Look, I don’t know why we can’t remember anything!! But I’m certain one guy knows what happened.
Veronica: You mean…
Timmy: The very guy who has been involved with Valentine’s for the past 3 years now. Let’s track him down and get some answers out of him.
Narrator: But as Timmy opened the door, a funny thing happened…
(Timmy opens the door to the backyard to find me standing there.)
Me: Oh thank God you’re home! Timmy, what the hell happened last night?!
Timmy: Wait, you don’t know?
Me: I’ve been trying to reconstruct what happened ever since this morning! It’s very important that you tell me what I did!
Trixie: We were kinda hoping YOU would be the one to pick up the pieces and let us know what went down.
Me: Oh GREAT! This can not come at a worse time.
Veronica: Unless your problems involve waking up in someone’s bedroom and finding an ocelot on top of a toilet, we’re sure your problems are not so bad.
Me: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. I was apparently with Ahsoka last night and we may or may not have done things of a questionable nature. Not only that I may have indirectly caused a rift in space time.
Tootie: Look, let’s just start from the beginning. We were all invited to Timmy’s party, right? Who else was invited aside from us?
Timmy: I think I invited Chester, A.J., Sanjay, Elmer, Molly and, possibly against better judgment, Mr. Crocker.
Me: Crocker?
Timmy: Hey, even hunchbacked teachers get lonely on Valentine’s!
Me: Touché.
Timmy: And the last thing I do remember relates to that sundae.
Trixie: I think it’s pretty obvious then; someone added something to our ice cream. And that person must pay. Painfully.
Veronica: But who’d drug us? (Everyone else starts looking at Tootie and Veronica.) Oh do NOT go there.
Tootie: I’m not that desperate.
Me: And this is not written out by the usual maniacs at Federator. Don’t worry. I’ve got access to some pretty awesome CSI equipment and I’ll have this solved before—(A Clone Trooper teleports in)
C. Trooper: You need to come with us sir. The Jedi Time Council needs your deposition.
Me: Whoops. Looks like you’re on your own. (I get teleported out.)
Veronica: Well, this is just perfect.
Timmy: You’re telling me. He still owes me for the pizza he ordered.
Trixie: I think if we’re gonna get any answers we need to find everyone who was at the party. Where do we start?
Timmy: MY GOLDFISH!!
Tootie: I don’t think they have the mental capacity for speech.
Timmy: No, I mean—wait here. I’ll be right back.
(Back in Timmy’s room, Timmy taps on the goldfish bowl.)
Timmy: Cosmo, Wanda, we have a bit of an emergency here. (Wanda poofs in, an icepack in her hands.)
Wanda: Oh boy, I’m gonna be tasting bile all day.
Timmy: Oh no, don’t tell me…you guys too?
Wanda: Yes. I don’t know what happened, but I woke up with the worst taste in my mouth and a deep feeling of incredible shame. I thought I just watched all 3 “Twilight” movies, but we’re forbidden by Fairy Law to ever speak of it. And I can’t find Cosmo anywhere.
Timmy: My dad’s missing too. I guess if I’m going to find out what went wrong, I need to question the people who were there.
Wanda: Uh sport, I don’t mean to pry but why are you wearing a handcuff on your wrist and is it Tootie related...again?
Timmy: You’re never gonna let me forget about the Tucson Incident are you?
Wanda: Only if I want to exceed the PG rating of this story.
(Cut to the front of A.J.’s home.)
Timmy: I’m sure A.J. will have the answers we need. He is a genius after all.
Veronica: Why can’t we try Chester first?
Trixie: I’ve been to the trailer park where he lives. You’ll need a MP5 to get past the front gate.
Veronica: Say no more. (The door opens and A.J. appears before them, a pair of sunglasses on his face.)
A.J.: Oh great, just what I needed. I think you’ve done enough to me in the past 24 hours.
Tootie: Yeah, we are a little fuzzy on the details of what happened. We came to find out if you had any idea about the party and whatever we did.
A.J.: I was trying to figure that out. I’ve come to the conclusion we were all drugged last night.
Timmy: We had an inkling that was the case.
A.J.: Well, come inside, I’ll show you what I was able to find out.
(Inside, the gang finds Chester, floating inside of a clear stasis tube, several probes sticking into his body.)
Timmy: Do your parents know this is in their living room?
A.J.: Who do you think set this up? We woke up and found Chester face down n a bowl full of tapioca pudding.
Tootie: He has such a goofy grin on his face. Guess that drug was stronger than we thought.
Trixie: Actually, he ALWAYS has that look on his face.
A.J.: My dad took several samples and found that Chester had a pretty high concentration of particularly unique nectar in his bloodstream. It’s a byproduct of a rare South American fruit that is illegal to have in the US.
Veronica: And this was put in our food?
A.J.: Sure looks like it. A drop of it is the equivalent of drinking 5 bottles of whiskey. Hence the name “Jack Daniel’s Apple”.
Trixie: My dad tried getting it once. Lets just say the effort was in vain. And it also would explain why we’re no longer welcome in Bolivia.
Timmy: I have the strange feeling that I know who would be crazy enough to try to get access to Keith Richards’ favorite fruit. (A.J.’s dad comes into the room)
A.J.’s Dad: Hey, there’s a phone call for Timmy. I still would like to know why we have his calls forwarded here. (Timmy grabs the phone)
Timmy: Uh, hello?
Voice: YOU!!! WHERE’S MY OCELOT?!!
Timmy: Ocelot?
Voice: YOU HEARD ME!! I WANT MY OCELOT!!! YOU AND THAT MOLLY GIRL STOLE MY OCELOT LAST NIGHT AND I WANT IT BACK!!
Timmy: Hey look, I’m not too sure what’s going on but I don’t think I have an—
VOICE: YOU BETTER BRING MY OCELOT TO THE DIMMSDALE PARK AT 3 TODAY OR YOUR IDIOT FATHER WILL PAY!!
Timmy: Well, at least I know where my dad is. Kinda.
Tootie: I guess we gotta go see Molly before we confront Crocker and ask him what the hell he was thinking when he drugged us.
Veronica: I don’t think we will be able to do that anytime this month…(Veronica watches a newscast.)
Chet Ubetcha: …and I’m at the scene of the Dimmsdale Bakery now, where local Dimmsdale Elementary School teacher Denzel Crocker is holed up with several bakers hostage. He was described as being in an agitated state by witnesses and wielding a peppermint axe.
Trixie: This will be a fun topic to discuss at the 20th anniversary reunion.
Timmy: Yeah let’s just get to Molly’s.
(In front of Molly’s home.)
Narrator: And it was here that the heroes of our tale learned many of the details that transpired within the last 24 hours.
Molly: Oh boy, were you guys BAKED last night. I never thought a pretty girl like Trixie would be crazy enough to streak through the Dimmsdale Comic Emporium and in a White Queen outfit no less.
Trixie: White Queen? Damn it, I thought I returned that—err I mean, I have no idea where I’d buy a costume like that within the area adjacent to my house.
Timmy: Wait, how did you stay sane during all of this?
Molly: I thought I told you last night, I hate cherries. Also, I have done a pretty good job of avoiding any pony-related insanity last night. Which reminds me, I have photos of what you did and it’s kind of surprising. (Molly produces a digital camera.) I mean seriously, when you guys cut loose, you REALLY cut loose.
Tootie: Let me see---WHOA. AM I doing with Timmy what I think I am doing with him?
Veronica: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and anatomically impossible.
Tootie: You’d be surprised what I’m capable of.
Trixie: …I did not know Veronica had a tattoo like that.
Veronica: And it looks like you got the same one too.
Trixie: Ok, I’m confused. Why are we in the Mausoleum?
Molly: It’s something you’re better off not remembering. The less you know about the mayor’s nocturnal activities the better.
Veronica: Uh Timmy? I don’t know if I should be the one to point this out but there’s a picture of your mom and Tootie’s mom. And they’re, well…really friendly with one another.
Timmy: I’d be more freaked out if it was my mom and Vicky. And I think I see one picture that would explain the tattoo.
Trixie: What are you talking about—OH. MY. GOD. Is that me and Tootie—
Tootie: This is the sort of thing I thought we’d try in college. And this would explain why you have the tattoo that says “Tootie’s Bitch” now.
Timmy: Uh, if it’s too much trouble can I have a copy of that last one?
Molly: Sure. But you did remember to keep that ocelot safe right?
Timmy: The ocelot?
Molly: Yeah. We saved that ocelot from that crazy industrialist Hugh Magnate last night. You and your dad distracted the guards while me and the others got it into your home. It was a pretty crazy plan on your part, but I guess when you’re baked out of your gourd even you have moments of brilliance.
Tootie: Well, it’s currently marking its territory on his toilet bowl now that you mention it. And I guess this explains the handcuffs on his wrist.
Molly: THAT? Oh no, the handcuffs are a different story. See, you and Timmy had—
Timmy: That’s something I want to remain in the dark about. We need to get my dad back and fast. I have a plan.
(Hours later, at the Dimmsdale Park…Hugh Magnate and a crony wait next to a van.)
Hugh: Where is that kid? I have a hostile takeover to spearhead at 4 and industrial sabotage planning at 4:45!! (Timmy and the others arrive, in a van driven by A.J.’s father.)
Timmy: I sure hope this works.
Trixie: If it doesn’t I don’t think we will get off with a fair warning. That man loves ocelots something fierce.
Hugh: Ah, Turner!! Nice to see you again. I’m sure that there was a rational reason why you and your father ran amok and took a flamethrower to my mansion last night.
Timmy: We had a flamethrower? Wow, we really were baked last night!
Hugh: Oh real cute choice of words, especially after you set my priceless cashmere silk pajamas on fire. And they were custom stitched too!! You have any idea how hard it was to get those made by a genuine Indian grandma and her mother?!
Trixie: I’m sure it’s a lovely story and everything, but we have had one hell of a Valentine’s Day, what with having a rare nectar dropped into our sundaes and all, and doing things of a very questionable and highly inappropriate nature.
Hugh: The Jack Daniel’s Apple?
Trixie: How did you know?
Hugh: Let’s just say what ever happens in Shelbyville STAYS in Shelbyville. Where’s my ocelot? (Tootie and Veronica push in a metal box.)
Tootie: You know, I’m fairly certain that it’s illegal to own a ocelot in this country. It would be a shame if this secret was to get leaked out.
Hugh: Just as it is illegal to do what your boyfriend did with a flamethrower. You know the score, we do a quick trade and we never speak of this again. (The crony opens the door and Timmy’s dad stumbles out, in a robe and bound by handcuffs.)
Mr. Turner: Oh Timmy, thank heavens you’re here!! These men are maniacs!! I was strapped in a chair and forced to watch “The Last Airbender” repeatedly! I WILL NEVER UNSEE THE TERROR!!
Timmy: Sure dad, whatever, we need to get out of here. NOW.
Hugh: Hold up. I want to make sure that there’s an ocelot that belongs to m in this here box.
Veronica: You know, it’s the funniest thing. There is an ocelot in that box but—
(The crony opens the metal box. Almost immediately, a metallic ocelot leaps forward and attacks the crony, then chases Hugh out of the park.)
Veronica: You think we should have told him we decided to use a robotic one instead?
Trixie: Nah, I’m sure he will figure it out on his own.
A.J.’s Dad: I was wondering when I’d get a chance to use that spare robot.
(Back at Timmy’s home…)
Timmy: And that was what happened, at least as far as I can tell you.. (Wanda takes a sip of coffee as Cosmo continues to be face down in a bucket.)
Wanda: Wow, sounds like you had quite a hectic time.
Cosmo: And when it’s legally cleared to unseal those court records, I hope we find out what else you did last night.
Timmy: So, where WAS Cosmo?
Wanda: I found him and Jorgen on the roof of Planet Hollywood. Let’s just say the Fairy Council has a new rule regarding anything related to Stallone or Schwarzenegger. Why did Crocker spike your sundaes anyway?
Timmy: I’m guessing he did it to try to look for you guys. But it turned out ok. We got my dad back, we donated a pregnant ocelot to the zoo—
Cosmo: 4 kittens was quite a surprise for the zookeeper.
Timmy: --and best of all, Crocker is in jail for the foreseeable future. I say the day is complete. (The door opens and Cosmo and Wanda revert to their goldfish forms as Tootie enters.)
Tootie: Oh Timmy…I think I’d like to relive some of these moments Molly captured on her camera.
Timmy: Uh, I don’t suppose we could just go out for a bite to---WOW. I did NOT know you can do THAT.
Tootie: Oh, there is a LOT you don’t know about me.
Timmy: You know, I think we’re forgetting one tiny detail…
(Meanwhile, back at the Jedi Council)
Me: So…you’re telling me that Ahsoka and I…
Obi-Wan: Completely trashed a bar on Coruscant, dropped by Anakin’s place, told him that in the future he would become Darth Vader and would be responsible for the deaths of untold Jedi, thus enabling him to go and kill Chancellor Palpatine.
Yoda: A mistake you have made. Parallel time stream you have created.
Me: Oh crud. The Time Lords are gonna be PISSED.
Valentine’s Hang-Over
(Fade in to Timmy Turner’s bedroom, which is, for lack of a better term, a mess.)
Narrator: We begin our tale, for the 4th time I may add, in the bedroom of Timmy Turner…but it’s the day after Valentine’s. Well this is a first. A Valentine’s story that starts after the day it’s supposed to be based on.
Timmy’s Voice: Hey, keep it down! I’ve got a splitting headache.
(From underneath his bed sheets crawls Timmy. His eyes are bloodshot and he’s wearing a pair of handcuffs on his right wrist.)
Timmy: Aw man. My heads throbbing, I feel nauseous, my vision’s blurry and I feel like I got my butt handed to me. I really, really hope I didn’t watch “The Last Airbender” again!
(As Timmy rubs his eyes, he looks to his fishbowl and sees that neither Cosmo, Wanda or Poof are inside.)
Timmy: Ok, this is a bad sign. The fact that I can’t remember the last 10 hours of my life or seem to know what happened to my fairy godparents is starting to freak me out! (As he frantically looks around the room, he sees a lump underneath his sheets next to him.) Funny, I don’t remember that being here.
(Timmy shrugs and pulls the sheet down…to see lying on the bed next to him is Tootie. And directly on top of her is Trixie Tang.)
Timmy: …this is an indication last night was either the best or worst thing that could happen to me.
Trixie: (half awake) Is that you Crimson Chin? I was waiting forever for you to save me!
Tootie: (half awake) Oh Timmy, you were twice the stud I thought you’d be!
Timmy: Excuse me, you two? You might want to open your eyes.
Narrator: And at that point, Trixie and Tootie DID open their eyes and react accordingly to the scene unfolding between them.)
(Tootie and Trixie both blink as they awaken…and scream)
Tootie: GAAAAHHH!!!!
Trixie: AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Tootie: What do you think you’re doing?!!
Trixie: ME? Why are your hands all over me?!! Oh my God, what did we do last night? Was any of this even LEGAL?
Timmy: Uh… (looks at the handcuffs on his arm.) Let’s assume it was.
Tootie: I always dreamed that I would spend a night in his bed. Just not with another woman. Although there was the one time I had that dream…
Trixie: Yeah, way more information than I ever wanted to know.
Timmy: Maybe we can discuss that dream later, in greater detail. Wait, why are you guys in my room?
Voice: UGGGHHH…why am I laying next to a sock? (Veronica crawls out from underneath Timmy’s bed.)
Timmy: There’s a reason why you’re underneath my bed, right?
Veronica: Legally?
Tootie: Yes, let’s go with that.
Veronica: I haven’t a clue. I need to use your bathroom please, I feel like vomiting up a whole goat.
(Veronica slowly walks over to Timmy’s bathroom and opens the door, then closes it immediately and jumps on his desk.)
Veronica: WHY IS THERE AN OCELOT IN YOUR BATHROOM?!!
Timmy: A what now? (Timmy opens the door to his bathroom and peers inside. On top of the toilet bowl sits an ocelot, staring right back at him. Timmy quickly closes the door and locks it) Great, as if I didn’t have enough animals marking their territory in my bathroom lately.
Trixie: You know normally I am not one to panic, but you’ll have to forgive the rise in tone of my voice as I try to figure out WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS GOING ON!!!
Timmy: Don’t panic. Let’s find my parents, maybe they can shed some light on what happened.
(Cut to the kitchen. Timmy’s mom is slowly drinking a huge cup of coffee as the 4 make their way downstairs.)
Mrs. Turner: Oh man, I am NEVER doing that with a lawn gnome ever again.
Tootie: Mrs. Turner, are you ok?
Veronica: You look exactly the same way my dad looks every time Grandma finishes one of her overnight visits. Only you don’t reek of whiskey and bitter hatred.
Mrs. Turner: I’m fine. I just have a huge migraine and a horrible taste in my mouth. I thought it was from watching “The Last Airbender” but the mayor had ordered all copies of it to be burned.
Timmy: We kinda figured. Anyway, where’s Dad? And can you tell us what happened last night?
Mrs. Turner: You don’t know? I was hoping you would remember. I’m a little fuzzy on the details actually. All I remember is the Valentine’s Party and having a sundae and the next thing I know, I woke up passed out and face down in—well it’s not important where I was. We just need to know where your dad is. Also, why are you wearing handcuffs?
Timmy: I seriously wish I knew.
Trixie: Let’s just try to reconstruct what happened. The party… yes the one you threw for Valentine’s. I remember getting your invitation.
Tootie: So did I.
Veronica: And we all arrived at the same time. It gets a little hazy after that.
Timmy: All I can really recall is making my world famous Cherrychanga Sundaes.
Tootie: I’m curious about where you got the idea for making Cherrychangas.
Timmy: Internet!
Tootie: ... (narrows her eyes)
Timmy: FINE!! I GOT IT FROM A WEBSITE AFTER WATCHING AN EPIOSDE OF MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!! AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S MY FAVORITE PONY!! QUIT WITH THE STARES!!
Trixie: You would be surprised who watches that show actually.
(Cut to Francis’ house. Francis sits on the couch and watches TV.)
Francis: I hope Fluttershy gets out of this one ok!
(Back to Timmy’s house)
Timmy: Look, I don’t know why we can’t remember anything!! But I’m certain one guy knows what happened.
Veronica: You mean…
Timmy: The very guy who has been involved with Valentine’s for the past 3 years now. Let’s track him down and get some answers out of him.
Narrator: But as Timmy opened the door, a funny thing happened…
(Timmy opens the door to the backyard to find me standing there.)
Me: Oh thank God you’re home! Timmy, what the hell happened last night?!
Timmy: Wait, you don’t know?
Me: I’ve been trying to reconstruct what happened ever since this morning! It’s very important that you tell me what I did!
Trixie: We were kinda hoping YOU would be the one to pick up the pieces and let us know what went down.
Me: Oh GREAT! This can not come at a worse time.
Veronica: Unless your problems involve waking up in someone’s bedroom and finding an ocelot on top of a toilet, we’re sure your problems are not so bad.
Me: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. I was apparently with Ahsoka last night and we may or may not have done things of a questionable nature. Not only that I may have indirectly caused a rift in space time.
Tootie: Look, let’s just start from the beginning. We were all invited to Timmy’s party, right? Who else was invited aside from us?
Timmy: I think I invited Chester, A.J., Sanjay, Elmer, Molly and, possibly against better judgment, Mr. Crocker.
Me: Crocker?
Timmy: Hey, even hunchbacked teachers get lonely on Valentine’s!
Me: Touché.
Timmy: And the last thing I do remember relates to that sundae.
Trixie: I think it’s pretty obvious then; someone added something to our ice cream. And that person must pay. Painfully.
Veronica: But who’d drug us? (Everyone else starts looking at Tootie and Veronica.) Oh do NOT go there.
Tootie: I’m not that desperate.
Me: And this is not written out by the usual maniacs at Federator. Don’t worry. I’ve got access to some pretty awesome CSI equipment and I’ll have this solved before—(A Clone Trooper teleports in)
C. Trooper: You need to come with us sir. The Jedi Time Council needs your deposition.
Me: Whoops. Looks like you’re on your own. (I get teleported out.)
Veronica: Well, this is just perfect.
Timmy: You’re telling me. He still owes me for the pizza he ordered.
Trixie: I think if we’re gonna get any answers we need to find everyone who was at the party. Where do we start?
Timmy: MY GOLDFISH!!
Tootie: I don’t think they have the mental capacity for speech.
Timmy: No, I mean—wait here. I’ll be right back.
(Back in Timmy’s room, Timmy taps on the goldfish bowl.)
Timmy: Cosmo, Wanda, we have a bit of an emergency here. (Wanda poofs in, an icepack in her hands.)
Wanda: Oh boy, I’m gonna be tasting bile all day.
Timmy: Oh no, don’t tell me…you guys too?
Wanda: Yes. I don’t know what happened, but I woke up with the worst taste in my mouth and a deep feeling of incredible shame. I thought I just watched all 3 “Twilight” movies, but we’re forbidden by Fairy Law to ever speak of it. And I can’t find Cosmo anywhere.
Timmy: My dad’s missing too. I guess if I’m going to find out what went wrong, I need to question the people who were there.
Wanda: Uh sport, I don’t mean to pry but why are you wearing a handcuff on your wrist and is it Tootie related...again?
Timmy: You’re never gonna let me forget about the Tucson Incident are you?
Wanda: Only if I want to exceed the PG rating of this story.
(Cut to the front of A.J.’s home.)
Timmy: I’m sure A.J. will have the answers we need. He is a genius after all.
Veronica: Why can’t we try Chester first?
Trixie: I’ve been to the trailer park where he lives. You’ll need a MP5 to get past the front gate.
Veronica: Say no more. (The door opens and A.J. appears before them, a pair of sunglasses on his face.)
A.J.: Oh great, just what I needed. I think you’ve done enough to me in the past 24 hours.
Tootie: Yeah, we are a little fuzzy on the details of what happened. We came to find out if you had any idea about the party and whatever we did.
A.J.: I was trying to figure that out. I’ve come to the conclusion we were all drugged last night.
Timmy: We had an inkling that was the case.
A.J.: Well, come inside, I’ll show you what I was able to find out.
(Inside, the gang finds Chester, floating inside of a clear stasis tube, several probes sticking into his body.)
Timmy: Do your parents know this is in their living room?
A.J.: Who do you think set this up? We woke up and found Chester face down n a bowl full of tapioca pudding.
Tootie: He has such a goofy grin on his face. Guess that drug was stronger than we thought.
Trixie: Actually, he ALWAYS has that look on his face.
A.J.: My dad took several samples and found that Chester had a pretty high concentration of particularly unique nectar in his bloodstream. It’s a byproduct of a rare South American fruit that is illegal to have in the US.
Veronica: And this was put in our food?
A.J.: Sure looks like it. A drop of it is the equivalent of drinking 5 bottles of whiskey. Hence the name “Jack Daniel’s Apple”.
Trixie: My dad tried getting it once. Lets just say the effort was in vain. And it also would explain why we’re no longer welcome in Bolivia.
Timmy: I have the strange feeling that I know who would be crazy enough to try to get access to Keith Richards’ favorite fruit. (A.J.’s dad comes into the room)
A.J.’s Dad: Hey, there’s a phone call for Timmy. I still would like to know why we have his calls forwarded here. (Timmy grabs the phone)
Timmy: Uh, hello?
Voice: YOU!!! WHERE’S MY OCELOT?!!
Timmy: Ocelot?
Voice: YOU HEARD ME!! I WANT MY OCELOT!!! YOU AND THAT MOLLY GIRL STOLE MY OCELOT LAST NIGHT AND I WANT IT BACK!!
Timmy: Hey look, I’m not too sure what’s going on but I don’t think I have an—
VOICE: YOU BETTER BRING MY OCELOT TO THE DIMMSDALE PARK AT 3 TODAY OR YOUR IDIOT FATHER WILL PAY!!
Timmy: Well, at least I know where my dad is. Kinda.
Tootie: I guess we gotta go see Molly before we confront Crocker and ask him what the hell he was thinking when he drugged us.
Veronica: I don’t think we will be able to do that anytime this month…(Veronica watches a newscast.)
Chet Ubetcha: …and I’m at the scene of the Dimmsdale Bakery now, where local Dimmsdale Elementary School teacher Denzel Crocker is holed up with several bakers hostage. He was described as being in an agitated state by witnesses and wielding a peppermint axe.
Trixie: This will be a fun topic to discuss at the 20th anniversary reunion.
Timmy: Yeah let’s just get to Molly’s.
(In front of Molly’s home.)
Narrator: And it was here that the heroes of our tale learned many of the details that transpired within the last 24 hours.
Molly: Oh boy, were you guys BAKED last night. I never thought a pretty girl like Trixie would be crazy enough to streak through the Dimmsdale Comic Emporium and in a White Queen outfit no less.
Trixie: White Queen? Damn it, I thought I returned that—err I mean, I have no idea where I’d buy a costume like that within the area adjacent to my house.
Timmy: Wait, how did you stay sane during all of this?
Molly: I thought I told you last night, I hate cherries. Also, I have done a pretty good job of avoiding any pony-related insanity last night. Which reminds me, I have photos of what you did and it’s kind of surprising. (Molly produces a digital camera.) I mean seriously, when you guys cut loose, you REALLY cut loose.
Tootie: Let me see---WHOA. AM I doing with Timmy what I think I am doing with him?
Veronica: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and anatomically impossible.
Tootie: You’d be surprised what I’m capable of.
Trixie: …I did not know Veronica had a tattoo like that.
Veronica: And it looks like you got the same one too.
Trixie: Ok, I’m confused. Why are we in the Mausoleum?
Molly: It’s something you’re better off not remembering. The less you know about the mayor’s nocturnal activities the better.
Veronica: Uh Timmy? I don’t know if I should be the one to point this out but there’s a picture of your mom and Tootie’s mom. And they’re, well…really friendly with one another.
Timmy: I’d be more freaked out if it was my mom and Vicky. And I think I see one picture that would explain the tattoo.
Trixie: What are you talking about—OH. MY. GOD. Is that me and Tootie—
Tootie: This is the sort of thing I thought we’d try in college. And this would explain why you have the tattoo that says “Tootie’s Bitch” now.
Timmy: Uh, if it’s too much trouble can I have a copy of that last one?
Molly: Sure. But you did remember to keep that ocelot safe right?
Timmy: The ocelot?
Molly: Yeah. We saved that ocelot from that crazy industrialist Hugh Magnate last night. You and your dad distracted the guards while me and the others got it into your home. It was a pretty crazy plan on your part, but I guess when you’re baked out of your gourd even you have moments of brilliance.
Tootie: Well, it’s currently marking its territory on his toilet bowl now that you mention it. And I guess this explains the handcuffs on his wrist.
Molly: THAT? Oh no, the handcuffs are a different story. See, you and Timmy had—
Timmy: That’s something I want to remain in the dark about. We need to get my dad back and fast. I have a plan.
(Hours later, at the Dimmsdale Park…Hugh Magnate and a crony wait next to a van.)
Hugh: Where is that kid? I have a hostile takeover to spearhead at 4 and industrial sabotage planning at 4:45!! (Timmy and the others arrive, in a van driven by A.J.’s father.)
Timmy: I sure hope this works.
Trixie: If it doesn’t I don’t think we will get off with a fair warning. That man loves ocelots something fierce.
Hugh: Ah, Turner!! Nice to see you again. I’m sure that there was a rational reason why you and your father ran amok and took a flamethrower to my mansion last night.
Timmy: We had a flamethrower? Wow, we really were baked last night!
Hugh: Oh real cute choice of words, especially after you set my priceless cashmere silk pajamas on fire. And they were custom stitched too!! You have any idea how hard it was to get those made by a genuine Indian grandma and her mother?!
Trixie: I’m sure it’s a lovely story and everything, but we have had one hell of a Valentine’s Day, what with having a rare nectar dropped into our sundaes and all, and doing things of a very questionable and highly inappropriate nature.
Hugh: The Jack Daniel’s Apple?
Trixie: How did you know?
Hugh: Let’s just say what ever happens in Shelbyville STAYS in Shelbyville. Where’s my ocelot? (Tootie and Veronica push in a metal box.)
Tootie: You know, I’m fairly certain that it’s illegal to own a ocelot in this country. It would be a shame if this secret was to get leaked out.
Hugh: Just as it is illegal to do what your boyfriend did with a flamethrower. You know the score, we do a quick trade and we never speak of this again. (The crony opens the door and Timmy’s dad stumbles out, in a robe and bound by handcuffs.)
Mr. Turner: Oh Timmy, thank heavens you’re here!! These men are maniacs!! I was strapped in a chair and forced to watch “The Last Airbender” repeatedly! I WILL NEVER UNSEE THE TERROR!!
Timmy: Sure dad, whatever, we need to get out of here. NOW.
Hugh: Hold up. I want to make sure that there’s an ocelot that belongs to m in this here box.
Veronica: You know, it’s the funniest thing. There is an ocelot in that box but—
(The crony opens the metal box. Almost immediately, a metallic ocelot leaps forward and attacks the crony, then chases Hugh out of the park.)
Veronica: You think we should have told him we decided to use a robotic one instead?
Trixie: Nah, I’m sure he will figure it out on his own.
A.J.’s Dad: I was wondering when I’d get a chance to use that spare robot.
(Back at Timmy’s home…)
Timmy: And that was what happened, at least as far as I can tell you.. (Wanda takes a sip of coffee as Cosmo continues to be face down in a bucket.)
Wanda: Wow, sounds like you had quite a hectic time.
Cosmo: And when it’s legally cleared to unseal those court records, I hope we find out what else you did last night.
Timmy: So, where WAS Cosmo?
Wanda: I found him and Jorgen on the roof of Planet Hollywood. Let’s just say the Fairy Council has a new rule regarding anything related to Stallone or Schwarzenegger. Why did Crocker spike your sundaes anyway?
Timmy: I’m guessing he did it to try to look for you guys. But it turned out ok. We got my dad back, we donated a pregnant ocelot to the zoo—
Cosmo: 4 kittens was quite a surprise for the zookeeper.
Timmy: --and best of all, Crocker is in jail for the foreseeable future. I say the day is complete. (The door opens and Cosmo and Wanda revert to their goldfish forms as Tootie enters.)
Tootie: Oh Timmy…I think I’d like to relive some of these moments Molly captured on her camera.
Timmy: Uh, I don’t suppose we could just go out for a bite to---WOW. I did NOT know you can do THAT.
Tootie: Oh, there is a LOT you don’t know about me.
Timmy: You know, I think we’re forgetting one tiny detail…
(Meanwhile, back at the Jedi Council)
Me: So…you’re telling me that Ahsoka and I…
Obi-Wan: Completely trashed a bar on Coruscant, dropped by Anakin’s place, told him that in the future he would become Darth Vader and would be responsible for the deaths of untold Jedi, thus enabling him to go and kill Chancellor Palpatine.
Yoda: A mistake you have made. Parallel time stream you have created.
Me: Oh crud. The Time Lords are gonna be PISSED.
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