Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Happily Never After

7- Never Be Who You Want

by XxPerfectTomorrowxX 3 reviews

Love would conquer all, right?

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama,Romance - Published: 2012-03-11 - Updated: 2012-03-12 - 1626 words

Spencer hadn't said a word and neither had I. I didn't know what to say to him, about anything. If I spoke I felt the floodgates would open and all of my confusing emotions would pour out. If I didn't understand then how the hell would he?

"Did you want to go somewhere in particular?" Spencer finally asked, breaking the silence.

"I-" I struggled to think of something related to the question he'd asked. "Somewhere public." I finally blurted out, blushing.

Spencer pulled over to the side of the road, breathing out deeply. "Somewhere public?" He repeated.


"Is something... wrong?" Spencer asked once again.

"Everything is fine." I didn't want to feel like a child. Brendon's words had gotten to me. I didn't whine about my problems to Spencer. I didn't want to feel like I was waiting for him to fix everything for me but secretly I knew... I kinda hoped he would help me, if not fix it all for me. It was just so hard and I was so confused. I wanted someone to tell me how to feel because the way I felt had to be wrong... It felt so wrong.

"So, the place we go has to be public... why?" Spencer asked, openly staring at me.

"Is it so weird that I want to be around other people?" I asked, annoyed.

"Kind of yeah... because it's like you want to use them to hide from me." Spencer replied, smugly... He knew he was right. How did he know? How was he so damn right?

"Am I that transparent?" I whispered, feeling broken. Could everyone see through me? Spencer sure as hell could.

Spencer shrugged, "I've spent the last three months glued to your side, the two months before that kind of disliking you. You're something else altogether Kacy... and yeah, you're usually really fucking transparent when it comes to things that matter."

"Yay." I sarcastically spit out. "I still don't know why you disliked me." I laid my head on the seat, relaxing. Here was as good as anywhere else.

Spencer looked away, as he usually did when the subject came up. "It's a long story."

"From the old Kacy's life?" I asked, realizing I was more bitter about the memory loss than I thought I was previously.

Spencer said nothing and I added, "From when Brendon actually loved me." It slipped out.

Spencer finally looked at me, catching my attention. He looked torn. "Is that all you really want Kacy?"


"Do you just want Brendon to love you? Is that all that matters?"

Good question. "I, I feel like... if I could get him to love me like he seemed to have loved me before then maybe... Maybe..." I struggled to get the words out.

Spencer came to the rescue like usual, reading me clearly. "You feel like you'll be the old Kacy?"

"What do you want me to say?" Tears stung my eyes. "You're right. You always are."

"And you're wrong." Spencer whispered. "You're wrong to think that all that matters is becoming who you think you should be. You never lost that Kacy." Spencer brushed the hair from my face, forcing me to look at him. "You don't realize this but you're her... You never stopped being Kacy. You just keep second guessing yourself and you keep searching for answers that don't really matter. When will you stop?" I thought over Spencer's words, knowing once again he was right.

"How am I supposed to just let it go?" It's who I am, slipping through my fingers.

"Because it doesn't matter." Spencer said, his voice rising in volume. "Can't you see you're wasting your time? You're such an awesome person. Why don't you run after something that matters? You could do so much more than run after Brendon's fucking affection."

I was stung slightly by the words. "I'm not..."

"Don't lie about it." Spencer snapped.

"We're married." I said, as a way of defending myself from further harsh words.

"And why is that?" Spencer demanded.

I suddenly shrunk under his glare, feeling much smaller than I was. "I... we were, are in love." I stumbled over the words, unsure as to what to say or where to correct myself.

Spencer shook his head, "Did you ever love him Kacy?" He asked, watching for my reaction.

"I-I- of course, I-" Did I? "I've always- We've always..." I let my words fall apart, realizing I wasn't so sure. Had it always been that I was just trying to make up for the memory loss Brendon had told me of? Things never really felt right when I woke up. I felt like I never got the chance to play catch up so instead I just played along. Could I love Brendon? Probably, but did I? I wasn't so sure I was there yet.

Spencer looked away, "This is all wrong."

Despite all protests my voice broke and I uttered the words I'd tried not to, "So, what now?" I didn't need his help! Oh, but yes I did. He seemed to understand what I was feeling better than I could.

I wish I could say that I didn't know how it happened but I watched it happen, I let it happen. Spencer slowly but surely placed his lips against mine, giving me the chance to pull away. I didn't want to though so I didn't. His warm wet lips felt so good against my own lips and I wanted more, instantly. When Spencer pulled away I wasn't ready. I wanted more from his lips, I craved it.

He pulled something from his pocket, handing it to me. I looked at him but he looked away. As my eyes went down to the object my lips parted in surprise. It was a ... jewelry box? Spencer had gotten me jewelry? I opened the box, finding myself more shocked. Spencer had gotten me a ring. It was gorgeously breath taking too. Something girls dreamed about. Nervously I glanced at the ring Brendon had given me... It was something girls dreamed about too but it now held a darker meaning, trapping me. "What does this mean to you?" I whispered.

"It means you're important to me." Spencer said, blushing. When his cheeks darkened it made him look absolutely adorable. I loved the way he got nervous. "It's also... a promise ring." Spencer admitted.

"What exactly am I promising?" I asked, staring down at the beautiful ring.

"Don't have sex if it doesn't mean something." Spencer whispered, "Not with Brendon, not with anyone..."

I didn't say anything, handing Spencer the ring.

He stared down at it, attempting to hide his disappointment. "Well... it was worth a try. I'm sorry."

"Aren't you going to put it on?" I asked, holding out my hand.

Spencer's face lit up. It was the most beautiful expression I'd ever seen. I wished to see him that happy again and again. His soft, yet calloused fingers brushed against my skin as he slid the ring over my finger.

"What are you going to tell Brendon?" Spencer asked.

"I'm going to tell him that I made a promise to a friend." I said, "Does it really matter?"

Spencer smiled, "I don't want to cause problems in the band Kacy but... I don't think I can ignore my feelings for you anymore. They are getting stronger. Every single time I see you, and every time you speak... It's like I feel something new, something better."

His words really touched me. "I promise that I won't sleep with Brendon, or with anyone... until I figure this out." I touched the ring possessively, "Until I figure out who I am, not who I was. I'm done with that, or I'm going to try to be done. I won't chase after the shadows anymore but... instead I'll work on just being me. I never thought it'd be so hard."

Spencer laughed, "You're already you, the hard part is accepting that and figuring out just what that means to you..."

I leaned forward, my breath touching Spencer's skin. "Can I still- kiss you?"

Spencer smiled, "Always."

And our kiss sealed the deal. We were done with our old ways, tonight would start the new us. Brendon, Spencer and I were kind of in a triangle but I didn't really feel tied to either. I felt it was more important to stop worrying about who I was before, and start worrying about who I was now and who I wanted to become. Spencer was right. I couldn't change who I was but I sure as hell had to figure out who that was.

Hopefully I'd find more than Mrs. Urie.


(Brendon's POV)

Spencer wasn't picking up his phone. Kacy wasn't picking up her phone. I knew she went off with him. He was playing the knight and shining armor while I was playing the lame failure of a husband. It had to stop. I did love Kacy... It was just getting harder and harder to show her just how much I loved her.

Things weren't happening like they were before. She was so caught up in how she thought she used to feel about me that she wasn't letting herself feel anything new. I was too afraid of having a child to actually care about anything else, other than music and sex. Sex with other people...

I loved her though. Love would conquer all, right?


(So much more to come. It seems the majority prefer Spencer while some are still going for Brendon. I found that pretty interesting. Thanks for the feedback guys! There is going to be a lot more about 'just Kacy' before who she chooses becomes apparent. Hopefully that isn't a bummer to anyone reading.)
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