FicWad

This is just dialogue, continuing from the last chapter (Frank at Lola's grave, "talking to her.") Enjoy c:

“There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you. God, it’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. When I think I’m okay - like, when I feel happy: if I laugh at a dumb movie, if I read a book, play my guitar, even go just a few minutes without thinking of you - it all just comes crashing down. I feel okay but it never lasts long. You were EVERYTHING to me, literally my world and now you’re gone. It feels like someone’s taken away my vision and I’m stumbling around not knowing where I am or what I’m doing. It’s like being pushed off a cliff blindfolded, you know when you’re gonna hit the ground but you don’t know when. You’re crashing down and down and that’s bad enough but you know when you hit the ground, fuck, that’s it. And I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared of moving on and living without you. How the fuck am I going to manage another year? And another? You will never, EVER, become a distant memory, Lola. Ever. You will always be with me, the first thing on my mind when I wake and before I go to bed. I will never forget you. Please don’t think I will. But I have to tell you this. God, I must sound fucking crazy but I gotta tell you. It hurts every single day without you, I love you so fucking much. And fuck, I’m so scared because… Because of Gerard, and everything, I wish I was with you then things wouldn’t be so difficult and complicated and… plain weird. I’m not cheating on you! I - I just, I don’t know how to word it. This isn’t goodbye, Lola, I love you more than I love anything else but I just needed to tell you, in case something happened with Gerard and I.. I mean… It could. I think I like him. I don’t know. But please don’t ever think you will become second best. You’ll always be my number one. And Gerard’s helped me cope with everything a little. He’s my parachute, giving me a softer landing when everything’s gonna come crashing down. When things get hard, y’know? And I wanted you to the be the first to know. I wanted you to know that things won’t change. I miss you so much, Lola, and I wish you’d come back every single waking fucking moment of my life. I fucking dream about you walking through my door every morning, waking me up with a cup of coffee like you used to, laying with me. I can still smell your hair, feel your body against mine, see every freckle on your nose, the mole on your neck… Everything is so perfect in my head. So don’t worry. I guess everything’s fine. As fine as it can be. I love you, Lola. Please forgive me… Please.”