FicWad

Being alone is a foreign concept to me. I spent six years with someone, realizing it was all I lie. Whatever, I’m over it. I think.

“Another drink, Spence?” Brendon says, patting my shoulder.

“Yeah… y-yeah sure.” Speaking is getting harder as I slowly get more drunk than I already am. It’s over now. Nothing you can do about it. It’s not like I haven’t been drunk before, I’ll be fine with a few more drinks before I hit the wall.

“Oh Spence,” Brendon says, obviously drunk but better at holding himself together, “the ol’ single, I know the feeling.”

“You really d-don’t,” I scoff, my burning eyes looking down at my beer. “You always h-had someone since 2-2006 for cryin’ out l-loud. Six goddamn years.” Brendon shakes his head, clueless as to what to say next.

I take down my next beer with some effort, calling for another one. “Listen man, we should stop. We have four interviews tomorrow and we can’t look like this.” Brendon says.

“We don’t exactly have a designated driver.” I say, figuring I might as well ask for another drink.

“Just give him water,” Brendon tells the man behind the counter, the man nodding. That fucker, I have every right to drink. “I’ll call Dallon.”

What happened to Haley is a mess. I am aware that she is the only one who could deal with me for so long. The girl I lost my virginity to. The girl I was always so loyal with that she’s the only one. The only girl. I had to mess it up. The one time I messed up was a big deal; and she made it obvious she didn’t want me anymore. I wouldn’t want me anymore either, to be honest. I’m nothing but a sad drunk now. My thoughts wander as Brendon tells me it’s time to go get some rest, try to sober up for tomorrow.

I lay on Brendon’s couch, he didn’t want be to spend the night alone dealing with the fact that I haven’t in so long. I dread whatever is going to happen next in my life because I never imagined it without her. I feel my muscles relax as I slowly drift asleep.
--

“Fuck, you look like shit.” Zack says, agitated at the fact I spend most of the night being drunk and on things I’m not too sure exactly what any of it was. That’s all I know about last night, I was on a lot of shit.

“Sunglasses and gum for the broken hearted coming up.” Dallon says, taking his off and giving them to me, then taking a strip of 5-gum from his wallet. I take it, accepting the fact that I’m a wreck.

“I guess it’s the three of us responsible for this interview.” Brendon says, looking outside the window of the Mercedes.

“No, basically just you.” Dallon snaps, Brendon always ends up doing most of the talking anyway.
I don’t talk throughout the interview, only giving small nods and ‘mhms’ to let them know I’m awake under my sunglasses.

“So Spencer, were you part of the band in high school?” The interviewer asks, I take a deep breath.

“Yeah, I did. Learned a lot from it.” I try to sound as alive as possible, putting a small grin on my face. Brendon nods, and I see Zack standing to the side pleased on how convincing I sound.
I don’t get asked anymore questions that interview.

As I sober up more throughout the day with forced coffee and pep talks, interviews become somewhat easier. I had the pleasure of being able to take off Dallon’s sunglasses. More and more questions get directed towards me, I handle them with ease. Zack appreciates the fact we sound way more mature in our interviews than we actually are.

“So you guys single?” The interviewer asks, laughing after.

“Yeah,” Ian says, a smile on his face.

“I’m married.” Dallon says, “Hi honey!” The group laughs.

“I have a girlfriend. I wrote a song for her on the album. That was pretty cool- thanks for allowing that, Spence.” I nod, patting him on the back.

“I’m s-single.” I choke out. Haven’t had to say that phrase in a while.

The room gets quiet until the interviewer moves on to the next question.

We leave the place where the last interview was held, heading for the car. “I need a drink.” I say, sighing.

“No. No more drinking right now.” Brendon sounds concerned; I roll my eyes at his protectiveness.

“Why not? I have nothing to live for.” I snap.

“Shut up, Spencer. You have tons. You have this band, you have us. We all care about you and want you to be happy. I know you miss her, man. But she wasn’t everything. We’re just as much a part of your life as she was.” Brendon says, sounding somewhat pissed off.

Dallon and Ian keep themselves from commenting, both of them on their phones.

“Right. Yeah…” I say with no emotion. Half of me wants to be sarcastic, the other half not.
We pull up to Brendon’s house, planning to relax for a while and mess around.

“I think I’m gonna go.” I say, standing up from my stool, ignoring my water.

“Should we let him?” Ian says, being serious. I’m not a fucking baby. I don’t need to be watched like this.

“Just no drinking or drugs.” Brendon hums. What a hypocrite. He does enough drugs and drinks enough himself. He’s just better at it. He’s better at everything, really.
I walk out of his giant house, heading to mine which is only a short walk away. I don’t have anything to drink there. I lie on my bed, thinking about everything Haley and I have done over the years. Plenty of crazy things I can still laugh about, but end up crying in nostalgia.
I need to be stronger.
--

I have been sleeping a lot, avoiding contact from the outside world. Brendon asks if I’m okay often, I tell him I’m just keeping myself together. He eventually doesn’t buy it and comes to my house after about sixteen days, the door being unlocked.

“Fuck, Spencer.” Brendon says, dropping whatever was in his arms, I don’t turn around to check.

“I haven’t had a drink I swear.” I defend myself from whatever Brendon would be thinking. “I’m completely sober.”

“And smelly.” Dallon says, I failed to realize he was here too. I lay in my bed motionlessly as I feel someone jump onto it, lying near me. Smells like aftershave, must be Ian. What the fuck are they all doing here?

“Come on, let’s do something.” Ian says humming, shaking my shoulder trying to get me out of bed. “Like… you can shower.”

“Maybe I like smelling like this.” I say, turning around to see all the guys.

“Oh, the sweet smell of rotten eggs, I don’t know about you, but it’s my favorite scent.” Dallon says, nudging Brendon on his side.

“You’re hilarious.” I say, sitting up on my bed.

“I’ll start his shower.” Dallon says, heading into my bathroom.

“I’ll make him something to eat.” Ian chimes in, skipping out of the large room and down the stairs. Brendon comes to sit next to me.

“Spencer?” Brendon looks over to me.

“Hm?”

“You… got thinner. Like, really thinner. I haven’t seen you eat in a few weeks.”

“Sorry, mom.” I shrug, heading to the bathroom, Brendon stops me.

“I have eaten.” I point to a bag of pretzels sitting on the nightstand. It’s been my main food source for the last two weeks when Brendon gave me time alone.

“That’s not a decent snack let alone a meal.”

“I have been drinking water too.” I say, trying to reassure him.

“Water and pretzels.”

“Mhm.” I hum and nod.

“Are you… I mean…”

“Shower’s ready.” Dallon says, pushing past us.

“I’m fine.” I pass Brendon, closing the door behind me to shower. I take off my clothes, and notice myself in the mirror. Brendon’s right. Whatever was left on me has gone, leaving me basically skin and bone with some remains of my muscle. It somewhat grosses me out, how different I look.

After a shower, Brendon makes me eat the (horrible) pancakes Ian has prepared, which is hard to choke down because my system is no longer familiar with this (somewhat) real food. Dallon, Ian and Brendon have gone into the car and I have to go to the bathroom to throw up the pancakes. I’ll have to bring myself back in moderation.

If I want to bring myself back.

I don’t know if I do.

I slide into the car not knowing what they have in store for me.

“It’s time to check out some new drum sets for the princess!” Dallon hums as he pulls out the drive way.

“We’ll get customs for you, if you want.” Brendon adds.

“Buying me happiness, hm?” I say, “That’s acceptable.”

“That’s the Spencer we know and love.” Brendon says, laughing.
--

“The set you picked matches your eyes!” Ian says gleefully.

“Very tasteful.” Dallon says, patting the low tom.

“And expensive.” Brendon grins, pulling out his credit card. Retail therapy- something I always did for Haley when she was feeling down.

Huh. “Thanks, Brendon… for everything.” I say, giving him a man-hug he deserves.

“We love you man, we just want to see you happy again.” Dallon exclaims.

“I love you guys too. I am okay, really.” Brendon scoffs, still not believing me. He sees right through me.

Yes, shopping makes me feel better, but it only holds me together for so long.
--

I put together the drum set in my den, and then play a few beats that I haven’t messed with in a while. It feels good playing again. My drum sticks are scattered across the house, it took me a while to find 5As- the standard that I have been playing with.

My mind still hasn’t forgotten about Haley. Of course I can get distracted from thinking about her, but she’s always there in my mind. I miss drinking also. It was a nice escape because I would end up forgetting about the situation. But it’s the thing that messed up our relationship in the firstplace.

I still check my phone every five minutes, waiting for her to call me saying she missed me and wants to talk. I just want to hear her voice. Every time I get a text or call from someone I think it’s her, and get disappointed to realize it’s only one of the guys.

‘Aw baby, I’d jump in front of a train for you.’ She’d say, quoting Bruno Mars. But now it’s more like ‘Aw baby, I’d run you over with a train (for my personal happiness because you’re an asshole).’

Either way if she had time to jump in front of the train I probably could get out of the way, right?

Being lonely… it sucks. Being alone in a bed at night, having nobody to kiss goodnight or anyone to hold you when you watch a scary movie (not saying that Brendon wouldn’t- he still acts gay even with a girlfriend). I haven’t gotten used to going through a daily schedule without talking to her. Waking up pressed against her, sitting across from the table eating cereal and kissing her goodbye as I left for the studio- anytime I wasn’t working I was with her. No, no, that’s how things aren’t going to be for now on. I have to adjust myself to be independent. I know the guys are sick of waiting on me, trying to make sure I can keep myself alive.

Brendon isn’t convinced that I can because of my dietary issues, I know that. He watched me eat lunch, which was only a salad and a diet coke, but he was happy. I asked him if we can work out and he agreed happily.

I can do this. I can rebuild myself.

Just stay away from the weed and the beer.

--

A/N This is kinda just testing out an idea for a fic, I kind of like it but I don't know if it's worth working on. Let me know?