FicWad

I sit uncomfortably in my chair next to Brendon, going through papers talking about a UK tour. I try to convince myself I want to do it; it will keep me away from thinking about her.

I admit I haven’t made any progress. I’m still sober but I’m sure that will change eventually, Brendon also is because he wants to help me get through this, or Sarah is just sick of him being drunk too. Either way, we are both ready to head for the bar at any minute.

I don’t delete the conversations I’ve had with Haley on my phone, also spending time reading through them while I lie alone in bed. Of course I still want her, but I know I’ll never get her back.

“So here’s the plan: Two weeks in the UK and we’ll be out of there in no time for you guys to have your studio time you’ve been longing for.” Zack encourages us, putting his beefy hands on our shoulders.

“Mmm, sounds good.” Brendon sighs agreeing.

“Uh… yeah.” I nod, looking at the array of papers before me.

The rest of the organizing goes by and I just want to go get a drink. It’s only two PM so going to a bar is a dumb idea. My first drink in a month, I deserve it.

I get into my car alone, having just met Brendon and Zack here, and head for the store to pick up some beer, whiskey and vodka. I don’t fucking care anymore. I have nothing to do in the next week anyway.

I avoid getting any food because I know I can’t get myself to eat it. The only time I eat is around Brendon- so every other day. I am losing weight because we have been working out too.

My house is empty, the new drum set waiting to be played. I sit down with a beer and play along with it, messing with random beats that go through my head. I get my remote for the sound system and go through a few Panic songs to make sure I still remember how to play them.

--

A few days Brendon hasn’t seen me. I have been getting tons of headaches, throwing up, and some passing out. Every time he asks how I’m doing I say ‘Been quite busy, I’m doing well’ which is a complete lie because god knows I’m not. All my alcohol is gone, I finished it this morning.

The front door swings open, Brendon walking in and seeing his jaw drop at the sight of me lying in the middle of the floor.

“Fuck, Spencer?” Brendon says, standing above me.

“Hey.” I choke out, not wanting to see him at all.

“Well you’re definitely fine aren’t you? How much did you drink? I told you to stay away!” He snaps, I stay on the floor. “Come on, let’s clean you up.”

“I don’t want to. I’m fine.” I try to sound convincing but it’s hard with my whole body in a knot.

“Sure you are. We’ll talk about this later; you’re staying at my house until I can trust you again. Sarah’s in Detroit seeing family- we’re safe.” Brendon says. I try to sit up but my body feels heavy. Brendon gives his hand to help pull me up, but it doesn’t work. I have no food inside me, no liquid other than alcohol.

Brendon sighs and takes me up in both of his arms; it’s shocking because I’m taller than him.

What the hell is he doing? He should just leave me be. “Fuck, you’re so skinny.” I’m really not, just thinner than what he’s used to.

“Put me down!” I cry, hating feeling like a five year old with her father carrying her off to bed. “This isn’t necessary at all.”

Brendon hums. “Can’t let you run away. You’re not leaving my sight.”

I’ve had enough. I shake free of his arms as he is forced to drop me on the porch.

“Leave Brendon.” I demand, finding the will power to stand up heading back for my door.

“No. Come on Spence, I just don’t want you to end up like-“

“His dad.” I interrupt. Ryan’s dad was horrible to be around and Ryan thought so too.

“If you keep drinking you eventually will.” He snaps, standing with his arms crossed.

“Doesn’t matter anymore.” I say quietly, then slamming the door in his face. I try to walk quickly to the couch, my feet being too heavy. She did this to me. I did that to her. I’m just a big fuck up- even Brendon probably thinks so.

I walk into the bathroom, struggling. Breath. I’m okay. I’ll be okay.

I don’t know the particular reason I keep telling myself that, every time I do it just lasts about ten minutes.

I kneel in front of the toilet, closing my eyes trying keeping the pain in the pit of my stomach under control. I feel a hand go on my shoulder and I jump. I don’t open my eyes to see who it is, my body sprawled across the bathroom floor.

“Relax. Spencer, it’s just me.” My body jolts at the sign of his voice. The voice I haven’t heard in months- maybe years but my mind isn’t registering things well.

“Ry- what are you doing here?” I say holding my head up, barely opening my eyes to see a tall and skinny guy who used to be my best friend. He looks practically the same except for a more decent haircut.

“I know what happened- Brendon didn’t know who to call.” He says, squatting beside me. “Why don’t we go over to Brendon’s and relax some soon? Just get it all out of your system. We need to talk about this."
--

It took me a bit longer to sober up, which caused Ryan to stay the night at Brendon’s, along with me. One big sleepover is just what I need- not.

I feel like I’m one of those murderers in those crime scenes, except I have a bowl of soup in front of me along with a roll. I pick at the food, still not in the mood to eat as much.
“So, let’s talk about her.” Ryan says, stirring his bread in his soup.

“Why would you make me do that if you’re here to help me get over her?” I give Ryan a stern look, Brendon humming in uncertainty.

“It does help, come on Spencer.” Ryan encourages for me to speak, but I don’t bulge.

“I just want to tell you that yes, you did have great times with her but you can have good times with other people too. You are Spencer Smith, a really handsome guy who can get any girl he wants.” I shrug. The only girls that seem to want me are creepy stalkers or fans. And the strippers just won’t work out.

“Yeah.” I nod, swallowing down a spoonful of soup.

“I know you feel like those six years were a waste of time but it’ll teach you a good lesson in the long run.” Ryan adds, having been experienced with a similar situation before.

“Come on guys; let’s go out for a bit.” Brendon says, I forgot he was present until now.

“Where would we go? If someone spots the three of us together fans will shit bricks.” Ryan glares at Brendon questioningly.

“Well we could go to the movies! No one could notice us in a dark theater right?” Brendon hums, I think he is out of his mind.

“Okay, sure.” Ryan agrees, looking over at me who still looks unsure. Either way no matter what I say I will still have to go.

--

“I loooooove the movies.” Ryan says, putting his keys in his jacket as we walk towards the theater.

“What are we going to see?” I ask, unknowing of what is out right now.

“Anything you want.” Brendon jogs lightly to catch up to us, having left him to finish a phone call in the car.

We manage to pick a random movie and get into the theater without nobody seeming to care who is present. And then I see her.

Haley.

With a guy.

I need to get out of here.

I quicken my step to go to the bathroom, Brendon and Ryan following me.

“What’s going on?” Brendon sounds concerned as I shake with whatever confusing emotions I am feeling right now. Part of me wants to run up to her, hug her and tell her, ‘I’m so sorry, please take me back,’ and the other part of me wanting to dump popcorn on her.

“She’s here.” I stutter through the words, “With a guy.”

“Oh, then come on.” Ryan grabs my arm.

“What? No.” I shake off his grasp, not wanting to move until I see she has gone. It hurts seeing her here, tears beginning to well up in my eyes. “I want to go back home.” I complain, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets.

“She probably isn’t even seeing the same movie as us. Come on it’ll be fun!”
--

We picked the wrong movie.

First of all, Haley is sitting a few rows in front of us with a handsome guy that has his arm around her. That used to be us, and then Ryan and Brendon are sitting awkwardly in their seats from what they have done.

Second, the movie is an action movie. Not that that’s bad, but it has a love story involved which makes me want to throw something at the screen. All together I just want to go back.

I slide down into my seat, closing my eyes and try to relax. Brendon’s loud chewing and Ryan overall doesn’t make it an easy task.

--
“So Ryan, how’s been relationships for you been going?” Brendon says. The three of us are sitting on the couch, watching “Family Guy”.

“Fine.”

“Anyone new ever since those-”

“Um, Brendon…” I interrupt; whatever happened with whatever girl is purely not Brendon’s business, and Ryan and Keltie and some other girl and maybe even another was messed up. Ryan was a player. He can’t change either.

You learn that when you’ve known him for almost twenty years. No matter if you try to change him or not, all he changes is his clothes or hair.

“Um… this girl Elizabeth.”

“Isn’t it that ‘Z Berg’ girl?” Brendon asks, Ryan nods.

“Thing she didn’t let me know though was the fact that she’s a lesbian.”

“What?” I say, shocked because I’m pretty sure Ryan and her were “close” at one point or another.

“Lesbian or bi, I don’t know. She was just leading me on the whole time. Which is pretty un-fucking-believable.”

“That’s horrible…” I say, my voice concerned.

“We still hang out though. She’s a good friend.”

“She sounds like a bitch.” Brendon snaps, directing his eyes away from ours.

“You sound like a protective ex girlfriend.” I say harshly, jabbing my elbow into his side. Ryan sighs, a blank expression coming from his face.

Brendon refrains from saying anything more.

--
“No, no, no.” Ryan thrashes in his sleep; I stand near his bed, him having waked me up making me come to his room.

“Ryan?” I say, moving closer to the side of the bed. His cheeks are somewhat watery. What the hell is going on? “Ryan wake up it’s a dream.” I put my hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake. He jolts slightly, eyes opening in a shocked manor that caught me off guard at the sight.

“You okay?” I turn on the light in the room, to see him still somewhat shaky.

“Just a fucking scary dream… that’s all.” His tone is uncertain; he barely can support himself to sit up.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Tell me anyway. It helps.” I give a friendly smirk.

“You’re using my own words against me.” Ryan says, rolling his eyes.

“It did help though.” That’s a bit of a lie though, it didn’t really do shit.

“All the people in my life that… you know…” I take a seat on the side of his bed as he relaxes back into the covers. “They were all there.”

“Hm.” Is all I can say.

“I’m just really good at fucking people up- including myself apparently.” He says it as though he just realized it, him wiping tears away from his eyes. “It’s dumb, I know.”

“I know the feeling, trust me.”

We sit there in silence for a few minutes until I stand up and head for the door.

“Spencer?”

“Mhm?”

“Can you get Brendon for me?”

“Sure.”

Something about Brendon and Ryan is definitely… something. They understand each other in a completely different way.

They were always joined at the hip before the split; Ryan basically put him on a pedestal. It hurt in the beginning, knowing Ryan and Brendon were almost just as close as Ryan and I, considering we were friends first. Childish thought but I knew that Brendon could make Ryan feel better on whatever was on his mind when I couldn’t do the same for him.

I knock on Brendon’s door, opening it slowly. “Brendon?”

I hear a groan, his back turned to me as he sleeps.

“Ryan needs you.”

“Okay.” And he gets up onto his feet with little hesitation, passing me on his way out. I take the chance and head back to the bedroom I’m using, planning to sleep forever until Brendon makes me wake up.
--

A/N Let me know what you think!