FicWad

Play: Bird Song ~ Florence + The Machine

I watched the rise and fall of his chest as he slept, breathing in a strict but relaxed rhythm that was more out of habit than anything else. His lashes were dark against his pale cheeks, raven black hair shining in the dim light. I cast my eyes down, staring at my hands. Sleep wouldn't take me away from this, not even for an hour or two. Guilt hit me sharply already as I sat there next to the sleeping Paris, my conscience making me hate myself again. I frowned, and gave up, falling back onto the pillows of my bed and resigning myself to staring at the cieling. Another stab of guilt sent a shiver across my shoulders, and I found myself cold in the thin shirt and shorts I wore. He blinked awake, staring at me for a few moments before muttering,

"Tia... Come here."

I unsurprisingly did as I was told, shuffling under the quilt and into his arms like I had no choice. Guilt again, but it was eased when I felt his warm arms around me. He didn't look at me, his eyes closing again as a sigh was let out.

"This sucks because you're with him." he muttered, "If you weren't this would be so easy, but it's not."

"Don't hate him because he loves me. " I replied quietly, and another sigh left him. His eyes opened, the dark pools staring at me. I couldn't deny that just a look made me want him, just him looking into my eyes. He sat up, his back against the head board, staring at the cieling as I just had moments before. I wedged myself in between his side and his arm, and a sad little smile appeared at the corners of his mouth as I curled up next to him.

"How can I not? He was what I want. Well, in theory any way." he took a deep breath in, and then muttered, "I'm screwing everything up for you. I'm a shitty person and you don't need this. I may as well get out of here before he finds out and just leave you alone."

I stared up at him in disbelief. This wasn't like him, this wasn't like him at all. He'd never give up that easily. Part of me didn't want him to give in that easily. He looked down at me, his eyes sober and serious for once.

"This was just a mistake, wasn't it? Your boyfriend will be so pissed it's not even funny." he said quietly.

I opened my mouth to speak, but shut it again quickly. Just keep quiet, Lucretia. You wanted him to leave you alone and now you're getting what you want.

"What?" he muttered, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear, so to distract his gaze and make his question less accusing.

"I... " and I just drifted off, I couldn't talk, my mind wouldn't come up with and words that I could say that wouldn't sound right or allowable. He could guess.

"You want me to stay." Resting my head on his shoulder to avoid his gaze, I nodded. "Oh, Tia, I..." he muttered, and then paused for a few seconds, frowning. "Did you have sex with me tonight because you felt like you had to, or because you actually wanted to? Because I won't make you cheat on him if you don't want to, I won't make you do anything if you don't want to, just... It would be great... If you wanted me like I want you, and... I miss you." His voice went off into an embarrassed little murmur by the end of his little speech, and he wouldn't look at me. I'd seen some of his feelings, he was vulnerable. "I know I did some fucked up stuff to you and when I think about it, it makes me feel sick."

My heart felt heavy. He knew, then. I wondered how much. Probably not how it ended, but then again no one did. No one that was still alive.

"I shouldn't have left. We all might have made it through, all of us together. I was scared, I couldn't have that in my life, I was twenty-three, and a vampire, I was already terrified I'd hurt you. Then he came along, and well. That kinda sealed the deal."

I wanted to say something, but my throat wouldn't let me speak, it was stuck because I was about to cry. He glanced at me, and then pulled me on to his lap, holding me tight against his chest as my face was taken by sadness.

"No Tia, please don't cry, please." he pleaded, and his voice faultered a little. "If you want to forget about it, we can. Just please don't cry, please don't be sad, I want you to be happy, if that's with or with out a bastard like me being here, I don't care."

I took deep breaths, pushing the heartbreak back to where it should be, in that little drawer no one talked about, no one knew about. No one but me and him.

"I loved you, I was just afraid that I'd hurt you, and I did, I had to go before any one else got hurt because of me. I hurt all of you."

I blinked back tears, and they started to leave, not threatening to blur my vision any more. I nodded, signifying that I was a little more under control. I looked up at him, and he stared back, eyes sober and sad and sympathetic.

"And I still love you, I never stopped." he muttered.