Categories > Celebrities > 30 Seconds to Mars > You Are The Reason I Can't Control Myself.
Jared's Journal
0 reviews(Jared's POV) Jared reminisces over the events of the past few weeks in his journal.
0Unrated
Entry #92 - 03/31/11
I haven't felt right, like my usual self, since my 'meeting' with Gerard in Sam's garden. I'm not sure if I'm feeling sad or depressed or I'm just totally shocked. It's quite scary to think that Gerard has some crazy, fanatical obsession with me and that he wants to try and do the same thing again. The three words 'I want you' keep whizzing through my head at a thousand miles per second. Does he really want me? Or was I just being used for his twisted mix of sex and sadism? I've also been thinking about what Gerard said to me, that I don't know what real addiction feels like. Oh, how wrong he was. Addiction is something I have battled with for years. To be honest, Gerard knows nothing about me.
But, I've decided that I'm going to try and get clean again. I've done drugs more times than I can remember since Saturday and although I don't want to stop because Shannon desperately wants me (or needs me) to stop. Shannon says it's for my own good, we both know about the damage the drugs are doing. So, I'm ready to become cold turkey and I'm ready for the nausea, the cold sweats and the crippling desire to get my fix. My God, I'll even go to rehab again if that's what it takes. The road to sobriety is a long and bumpy one (trust me, I know) a gruelling journey and it involves a lot of hard work. I hope that soon I can become my old self, the person I was before this addiction ruined me and my life. I'll make Shannon proud for once, instead of acting like such a fuck up
-J
Entry #93 - 04/13/11
Unfortunately, my mission for sobriety has failed. I've fallen at the very first hurdle.
I've come to the realisation that I don't really want to get clean, no matter how much Shannon wants me to. I love the rush I get after shooting up, the feelings of well being and happiness. I hate the feelings of withdrawal, I don't like the cold sweats and I don't like the nausea. I've built up a tolerance to the drug, so then I need more and more. I know that I can't easily go down the street and buy some more is because Shannon won't let me outside to buy something to give me the high that I've been craving so badly. Shannon knows that I'm not sober yet and he's tried to stop me a few times, but the most of the time I win because I can wrap him around my little finger.
-J
Entry #94 - 04/14/11
Shannon has locked the door and the windows, so I'm trapped in my bedroom. I've shouted myself hoarse at him, telling him he can't keep me locked in here forever... maybe he can lock me in here forever, but I won't let him. I still have the pills from Sam's sweatpants hidden in my sock drawer. I'm not sure what they are and I don't really care, but I'm desperate and I can't go long without my fix. They're small and round... maybe ecstasy or speed. I'll find out later.
Gerard still won't leave me alone and has been sending me some creepy text messages over the past week... I haven't replied and I've had his number blocked, but he is still finding ways and I am still finding myself reading things like 'you have no idea how much I want to fuck you right now'. I shouldn't be worrying about shit like this!
My bedroom is my prison cell and all I have right now is Sam's pills and the four walls that are keeping me here. Shannon thinks that these walls are protecting me from the dangers of the outside world e.g. drugs and people like Gerard. Every so often, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and they'll crush me to death like the garbage compactor in the Star Wars movie Tomo was telling me about. I guess that I'm being a little paranoid. I'm not really going to be crushed to death, am I?
So, Shannon now thinks that I'm sat in my room becoming cold turkey. Just like Gerard, he is awfully mistaken and totally wrong about me. Everyone is wrong about me.
-J
I haven't felt right, like my usual self, since my 'meeting' with Gerard in Sam's garden. I'm not sure if I'm feeling sad or depressed or I'm just totally shocked. It's quite scary to think that Gerard has some crazy, fanatical obsession with me and that he wants to try and do the same thing again. The three words 'I want you' keep whizzing through my head at a thousand miles per second. Does he really want me? Or was I just being used for his twisted mix of sex and sadism? I've also been thinking about what Gerard said to me, that I don't know what real addiction feels like. Oh, how wrong he was. Addiction is something I have battled with for years. To be honest, Gerard knows nothing about me.
But, I've decided that I'm going to try and get clean again. I've done drugs more times than I can remember since Saturday and although I don't want to stop because Shannon desperately wants me (or needs me) to stop. Shannon says it's for my own good, we both know about the damage the drugs are doing. So, I'm ready to become cold turkey and I'm ready for the nausea, the cold sweats and the crippling desire to get my fix. My God, I'll even go to rehab again if that's what it takes. The road to sobriety is a long and bumpy one (trust me, I know) a gruelling journey and it involves a lot of hard work. I hope that soon I can become my old self, the person I was before this addiction ruined me and my life. I'll make Shannon proud for once, instead of acting like such a fuck up
-J
Entry #93 - 04/13/11
Unfortunately, my mission for sobriety has failed. I've fallen at the very first hurdle.
I've come to the realisation that I don't really want to get clean, no matter how much Shannon wants me to. I love the rush I get after shooting up, the feelings of well being and happiness. I hate the feelings of withdrawal, I don't like the cold sweats and I don't like the nausea. I've built up a tolerance to the drug, so then I need more and more. I know that I can't easily go down the street and buy some more is because Shannon won't let me outside to buy something to give me the high that I've been craving so badly. Shannon knows that I'm not sober yet and he's tried to stop me a few times, but the most of the time I win because I can wrap him around my little finger.
-J
Entry #94 - 04/14/11
Shannon has locked the door and the windows, so I'm trapped in my bedroom. I've shouted myself hoarse at him, telling him he can't keep me locked in here forever... maybe he can lock me in here forever, but I won't let him. I still have the pills from Sam's sweatpants hidden in my sock drawer. I'm not sure what they are and I don't really care, but I'm desperate and I can't go long without my fix. They're small and round... maybe ecstasy or speed. I'll find out later.
Gerard still won't leave me alone and has been sending me some creepy text messages over the past week... I haven't replied and I've had his number blocked, but he is still finding ways and I am still finding myself reading things like 'you have no idea how much I want to fuck you right now'. I shouldn't be worrying about shit like this!
My bedroom is my prison cell and all I have right now is Sam's pills and the four walls that are keeping me here. Shannon thinks that these walls are protecting me from the dangers of the outside world e.g. drugs and people like Gerard. Every so often, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and they'll crush me to death like the garbage compactor in the Star Wars movie Tomo was telling me about. I guess that I'm being a little paranoid. I'm not really going to be crushed to death, am I?
So, Shannon now thinks that I'm sat in my room becoming cold turkey. Just like Gerard, he is awfully mistaken and totally wrong about me. Everyone is wrong about me.
-J
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