Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Poison
Brief warning- if you go ‘no me gusta’ to lesbians, I suggest you skip this chapter.
The Poison
Chapter Ten
And you’ll fall down the hole
That’s the one place we both know
Putting it simply, the next day couldn’t come soon enough. Excitement jittered through my veins all through the night, causing an irrational squeal to come out at random times. I felt like a little kid the night before he went to Cedar Point- the anxiety, the hyper disposition, the inability to sleep... it was ridiculous. I didn’t get hyper. I was the calm one, the one who never got excited over anything.
And there I was, giddy as a schoolgirl.
What in God’s name had Gerard done to me?
The book in my lap bounced up and down as my knee experienced yet another excited spasm and fell to the floor. I sighed, too lazy to pick it up. Pulling the covers back on my bed, I resigned myself to another sleepless night.
Lying there, with absolutely nothing to do, I realized that I hadn’t caught sight of Lindsey in nearly two weeks. It was half relieving, half disappointing. Maybe it meant I had fulfilled my promise, but in a weird way, I missed her. I did have Alicia now, but she never could quite replace her. Lindsey had her own space that was too calm, too mature to be filled by the hyper Alicia.
I couldn’t help but wonder if this was how Gerard felt. His friends, his family had all tried to fill the empty space that she had left...
“Psst.” someone whispered from behind my door. “Hey, hey!”
I gasped and gripped the sheets, pulling them forcefully above my head. Then... wait a minute. Alicia? With a deadpan expression, I slowly removed the sheets, appalled at my own stupidity.
“You alive in there?” Alicia asked, cracking the door open to look inside. “Oh, there you are. Hey, what was with all that noise?”
“Nothing.” I said quickly. “I just saw a spider.”
“You’re afraid of little spiders?”
“No. Just startled me, is all.”
“Uh-huh.” Alicia, as always, saw right through me. “Anyway, wanna see something cool?”
“Well, when I consider what your definition of ‘cool’ is...”
Alicia rolled her eyes. “Just come on.”
With that, she grabbed my hand and tugged me into the hall, my feet slipping as they struggled to find purchase on the slick wood floor. Alicia paid my troubles no mind as we flew noisily down the stairs, only pausing to throw a cautious glance over her shoulder in Gerard’s bedroom’s direction. Without any more hesitation, she strode towards the back door and led me outside onto the stoop. Still bewildered by my sudden trip, I didn’t bother looking around me until Alicia grabbed my chin and turned my face towards what was taking place in the yard.
Fireflies. Thousands of them, forming a grounded constellation in the yard, swirling into beautiful, radiogram shapes of luminescence that one could only imagine anywhere else. A barely audible gasp left my mouth, and I felt my knees buckle underneath me. The fireflies continued their dance, the stars twinkling above them and the carpet of grass below.
In those few moments, I was sure I had glimpsed the afterlife.
And how beautiful it was.
My legs began to ache from staying in the same position, so I untucked them and lay down on the hard wood of the deck, arms and legs spread in the snow angel position.
So far, I had experienced so many emotions that had once been considered obsolete and foreign- a bubbly feeling with Alicia and Mikey, a strange sort of happiness when Lindsey made her impromptu appearances, and... well, with Gerard, I couldn’t even begin to describe what feelings he put me through. Parts of me wanted to comfort him and let him cry into my shoulder because of what he had gone through, and others wanted to punch him in the face because of what he did to cope with it. And still others, the ones that I tried not to listen to, wanted to relive that night three months ago in the bedroom.
It was sick, it was wrong, and I knew it. But it seemed that my conscious had taken an extended vacation and the twisted side of my brain was determined to turn me into a sexual deviant, because I almost didn’t care. It was true that he was handsome, but to fucking rape a person and somehow make them still not completely hate him- that was unnatural. He had hypnotized me into liking him, using his charms to put me under his spell- Gerard had tricked me into liking him.
How badly I wanted to defy him.
A sly, malevolent smile involuntarily spread across my face. Who was to say that I couldn’t?
-.-.-
By the time I had finally grown tired enough to sleep, the sun had already risen. The rays touched my shoulders and I lost the will to crawl under the covers, so, in my zombified state, I went downstairs with shadows under my eyes and a growling stomach.
Mikey sat in the breakfast nook, nursing a mug of coffee and the newspaper inches away from his face. It took me a few seconds to realize that he didn’t have his glasses on, hence the unnatural distance at which he held the newspaper.
“Hi, Mikey.” I said, standing on my toes to reach the cabinets (I really had gotten taller- the last time I tried to do that, I had to use a chair).
“Morning.” he responded, taking a sip of his coffee. “So, you and Gerard are going to town today?”
I paused in pouring my cereal, a few of the flakes falling astray onto the counter. “What? Isn’t Alicia going, too?”
Mikey shook his head. “Not from what I know.”
My fists clenched, the unfortunate cereal box crushed under my angry grip.
“So... just me and Gerard are going?” I asked slowly, still wishing I’d misheard him.
“Yep.” he answered. “What, did you change your mind?”
“No.” I said- although I didn’t relish the idea of being in a car alone with Gerard for half an hour, I still needed new clothes. “It’s fine.”
“Alright, suit yourself.” Mikey went back to his newspaper, squinting despite the distance- or lack thereof- between him and it.
I finished pouring my cereal and ate it dry- I was too hungry to waste time with milk. I also didn’t bother sitting down at the table and stood at the counter instead, which probably explained why I felt the sudden warmth of another body against mine. Gerard’s arm reached over my head and pulled down another bowl. He took the box and poured some, and, unlike me, took the time to pour milk on it. A silent sigh of relief was uttered when he left to sit down with Mikey, keeping his distance in an almost cautious way. Maybe he had realized how invasive he was being- oh well, that was for the best, I suppose.
Having finished my breakfast, I took the liberty of a quick shower the first one I had taken in almost a week. At that thought, I cringed a little. Even back when I lived with my abusive parents, I made sure to appear clean at school, washing myself every day. It wasn’t like me to let my personal hygiene fall into such neglect.
As I scrubbed my hair viciously to compensate for my forgetfulness, I risked a look down at my stomach, looking head-on at my scar for the first time. Still red around the edges, I knew it wasn’t going to heal anytime soon. I felt a pang of hurt shudder through me and looked back up, accepting the sting of the shower needles as punishment for being so stupid.
I allowed myself a few more minutes under the warm water before turning the faucet off, stalling the moment where I would have to step out into the cold bathroom and face the day. Maybe I should stay home- come up with some believable excuse and spend the day reading and ‘learning’ with Alicia.
But the stubborn side of me wouldn’t have it. A promise is a promise, the nagging voice reminded me. Come on. You’re strong enough to handle one little day with him, right?
At the moment, I’m not so sure about that. the other side of me quipped. Sure, I can handle him at home, but that’s where I can hide out in my room all day.
But, as I so hated to admit, a promise was a promise.
-.-.-
Skillfully avoiding Gerard’s eyes throughout the whole ride, the drive there was uneventful enough to give me hope for the rest of the day- I allowed myself to hope that he would just give me a few twenties and cut me loose, rather than literally breathe down my neck all the time, at least.
I switched from staring blankly out the window to looking down at my hands, all the while my cheeks burning from Gerard’s brief, but undoubtedly intense, glances in my direction. As the quaint town square came into view, I had half a mind to jump out of the car because of the tension. Luckily for me, we arrived before I did so.
Gerard took the keys out of the ignition, stuffing them in his pocket before stepping out of the car. He waited patiently for me (and believe me, I took my sweet time in getting out) before handing me five twenties and leaving me at the car.
“Be back here in an hour, okay?” he said before leaving.
And like the chivalrous gentleman he was, he planted a gentle kiss on my lips before he left. And like the prude that I was, I wiped it away as soon as he turned his back.
Despite Belleville’s mostly pleasant outward appearance, there has always been an underlying threat for people like me, conveyed quite clearly in the form of judging stares that probably even the toughest would cringe under. I was no exception, even with my winter jacket covering me as a shield. Soon, I found myself in the less desirable area, where love peddlers and drug dealers alike populated the alleys. Trying to avoid the eyes of said urchins, I made my way down one of these alleys towards a clothing store across the way. I had nearly made it when a man with a large build shoved past me, knocking me completely off balance, the concrete fast approaching my face. Instinctively, I reached out with my hands to break my fall, landing hard on my knees. I stayed in that position for some time, waiting for the adrenaline to wear off. When I caught my breath, I noticed something that hadn’t been there before I fell.
Two heeled feet stood in front of me, accompanied by a fishnet-gloved hand reaching out to help me up. I took it hesitantly, taking the opportunity to study my savior more closely.
The first word that came to mind was prostitute. I knew it was rude and I didn’t like thinking it, but she was one. The murderously short metallic skirt and half shirt were proof enough. She smiled down at me under her military-style cap, dark green eyes glinting.
“You don’t look too familiar.” she said when I was back on my feet. “Just moved here, or what?”
“Um, no.” I stuttered, flustered. Although it was basically her job to be so, she was quite attractive. “I just haven’t... visited this area.”
“I see why, you being such a pretty young thing and all.” she grinned, placing a finger under my chin, forcing my head up to look her in the eyes.
My eyes began to water and I struggled to hold back an awkward laugh from making eye contact for so long (and with a perfect stranger, no less). Luckily, she removed her finger before my nerves betrayed me to scratch her cheek.
“Well, since you’re new here, how ‘bout we give you a little welcome,” she smirked, a glimmer of seduction in her voice. “Name’s Libby, by the way.”
“Uh.” I felt a profound blush rising in my cheeks. I had never felt like this before- embarrassed.
“Glad you and I agree.” Libby held out her hand. “It’s gonna cost you twenty bucks, though.”
Despite the little voices in my head screaming No!, I dug around in my pocket and pulled out a bill, pressing it into Libby’s eagerly waiting hand.
“Good choice, love.”
Between her lips roughly meeting mine and giving her the twenty, I could’ve sworn I saw a flash of ebony hair lurking in the crowd. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve pulled away without a second thought and investigated the lurker. But Libby definitely knew how to keep one captivated- one hand placed possessively on the back of my head, the other on the small of my back, both keeping me stationary.
Something wormed along my lips- her tongue asking entrance into my mouth. At this point, I didn’t know whether to run or accept, but Libby was too fast. Skillfully slipping her tongue into my mouth, running along the back rows of my teeth as if she had done this sort of thing a thousand times (considering her profession, she probably had). My breath hitched as the hand that originally been on my back traced sensually against my rear, leaving a trail of unnatural heat behind it.
Between my legs, I felt fire radiating up through my body, with Libby’s warm torso pressed against it. My eyes widened as Libby finally pulled away, her eyes half-shut and satisfied.
“You do it better than most, sugar.” she murmured, leaving one last gentle kiss on my lips before leaving me to stand, dumbstruck and worryingly aroused, in the alley.
I stood frozen to the spot for a full minute before I roughly shook myself out of my stupor and started towards the store once again.
As I stopped for the red light, a thought came to me that was unsettling, to say the least.
How could another girl excite me that much, and guys do nothing to me?
I had never entertained the idea of being a lesbian, never even gave it the slightest bit of attention. Since I had found out what ‘sexual orientation’ actually was, I had considered myself straight as a ruler.
Now, I wasn’t so sure.
The red hand began flashing and turned into the white ‘WALK’ sign. I started along the crosswalk, leaving behind Libby and her strange ways.
Good riddance. I thought half-heartedly, secretly missing her.
Because no matter how many times I tried to convince myself, I knew I had stumbled upon something that I intended to explore.
So, Chicago was rad, and I got a huge haul of CD’s I’d been trying to find:
In Utero- Nirvana (I wanted Bleach, but they didn’t have it)
Demon Days- Gorillaz (Love it, but my parents hate it with a passion, so I can’t play it in the car D:)
Never Mind the Bollucks- Sex Pistols (HELL YES)
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness- The Smashing Punpkins (I pretty much cried with happiness when I found it)
and The Ramones!
ME GUSTA ZE RECKLESS RECORDS STORE.
I also finally uploaded all of my My Heart 2 Fear albums on iTunes. My iPod's been missing them ):
The Poison
Chapter Ten
And you’ll fall down the hole
That’s the one place we both know
Putting it simply, the next day couldn’t come soon enough. Excitement jittered through my veins all through the night, causing an irrational squeal to come out at random times. I felt like a little kid the night before he went to Cedar Point- the anxiety, the hyper disposition, the inability to sleep... it was ridiculous. I didn’t get hyper. I was the calm one, the one who never got excited over anything.
And there I was, giddy as a schoolgirl.
What in God’s name had Gerard done to me?
The book in my lap bounced up and down as my knee experienced yet another excited spasm and fell to the floor. I sighed, too lazy to pick it up. Pulling the covers back on my bed, I resigned myself to another sleepless night.
Lying there, with absolutely nothing to do, I realized that I hadn’t caught sight of Lindsey in nearly two weeks. It was half relieving, half disappointing. Maybe it meant I had fulfilled my promise, but in a weird way, I missed her. I did have Alicia now, but she never could quite replace her. Lindsey had her own space that was too calm, too mature to be filled by the hyper Alicia.
I couldn’t help but wonder if this was how Gerard felt. His friends, his family had all tried to fill the empty space that she had left...
“Psst.” someone whispered from behind my door. “Hey, hey!”
I gasped and gripped the sheets, pulling them forcefully above my head. Then... wait a minute. Alicia? With a deadpan expression, I slowly removed the sheets, appalled at my own stupidity.
“You alive in there?” Alicia asked, cracking the door open to look inside. “Oh, there you are. Hey, what was with all that noise?”
“Nothing.” I said quickly. “I just saw a spider.”
“You’re afraid of little spiders?”
“No. Just startled me, is all.”
“Uh-huh.” Alicia, as always, saw right through me. “Anyway, wanna see something cool?”
“Well, when I consider what your definition of ‘cool’ is...”
Alicia rolled her eyes. “Just come on.”
With that, she grabbed my hand and tugged me into the hall, my feet slipping as they struggled to find purchase on the slick wood floor. Alicia paid my troubles no mind as we flew noisily down the stairs, only pausing to throw a cautious glance over her shoulder in Gerard’s bedroom’s direction. Without any more hesitation, she strode towards the back door and led me outside onto the stoop. Still bewildered by my sudden trip, I didn’t bother looking around me until Alicia grabbed my chin and turned my face towards what was taking place in the yard.
Fireflies. Thousands of them, forming a grounded constellation in the yard, swirling into beautiful, radiogram shapes of luminescence that one could only imagine anywhere else. A barely audible gasp left my mouth, and I felt my knees buckle underneath me. The fireflies continued their dance, the stars twinkling above them and the carpet of grass below.
In those few moments, I was sure I had glimpsed the afterlife.
And how beautiful it was.
My legs began to ache from staying in the same position, so I untucked them and lay down on the hard wood of the deck, arms and legs spread in the snow angel position.
So far, I had experienced so many emotions that had once been considered obsolete and foreign- a bubbly feeling with Alicia and Mikey, a strange sort of happiness when Lindsey made her impromptu appearances, and... well, with Gerard, I couldn’t even begin to describe what feelings he put me through. Parts of me wanted to comfort him and let him cry into my shoulder because of what he had gone through, and others wanted to punch him in the face because of what he did to cope with it. And still others, the ones that I tried not to listen to, wanted to relive that night three months ago in the bedroom.
It was sick, it was wrong, and I knew it. But it seemed that my conscious had taken an extended vacation and the twisted side of my brain was determined to turn me into a sexual deviant, because I almost didn’t care. It was true that he was handsome, but to fucking rape a person and somehow make them still not completely hate him- that was unnatural. He had hypnotized me into liking him, using his charms to put me under his spell- Gerard had tricked me into liking him.
How badly I wanted to defy him.
A sly, malevolent smile involuntarily spread across my face. Who was to say that I couldn’t?
-.-.-
By the time I had finally grown tired enough to sleep, the sun had already risen. The rays touched my shoulders and I lost the will to crawl under the covers, so, in my zombified state, I went downstairs with shadows under my eyes and a growling stomach.
Mikey sat in the breakfast nook, nursing a mug of coffee and the newspaper inches away from his face. It took me a few seconds to realize that he didn’t have his glasses on, hence the unnatural distance at which he held the newspaper.
“Hi, Mikey.” I said, standing on my toes to reach the cabinets (I really had gotten taller- the last time I tried to do that, I had to use a chair).
“Morning.” he responded, taking a sip of his coffee. “So, you and Gerard are going to town today?”
I paused in pouring my cereal, a few of the flakes falling astray onto the counter. “What? Isn’t Alicia going, too?”
Mikey shook his head. “Not from what I know.”
My fists clenched, the unfortunate cereal box crushed under my angry grip.
“So... just me and Gerard are going?” I asked slowly, still wishing I’d misheard him.
“Yep.” he answered. “What, did you change your mind?”
“No.” I said- although I didn’t relish the idea of being in a car alone with Gerard for half an hour, I still needed new clothes. “It’s fine.”
“Alright, suit yourself.” Mikey went back to his newspaper, squinting despite the distance- or lack thereof- between him and it.
I finished pouring my cereal and ate it dry- I was too hungry to waste time with milk. I also didn’t bother sitting down at the table and stood at the counter instead, which probably explained why I felt the sudden warmth of another body against mine. Gerard’s arm reached over my head and pulled down another bowl. He took the box and poured some, and, unlike me, took the time to pour milk on it. A silent sigh of relief was uttered when he left to sit down with Mikey, keeping his distance in an almost cautious way. Maybe he had realized how invasive he was being- oh well, that was for the best, I suppose.
Having finished my breakfast, I took the liberty of a quick shower the first one I had taken in almost a week. At that thought, I cringed a little. Even back when I lived with my abusive parents, I made sure to appear clean at school, washing myself every day. It wasn’t like me to let my personal hygiene fall into such neglect.
As I scrubbed my hair viciously to compensate for my forgetfulness, I risked a look down at my stomach, looking head-on at my scar for the first time. Still red around the edges, I knew it wasn’t going to heal anytime soon. I felt a pang of hurt shudder through me and looked back up, accepting the sting of the shower needles as punishment for being so stupid.
I allowed myself a few more minutes under the warm water before turning the faucet off, stalling the moment where I would have to step out into the cold bathroom and face the day. Maybe I should stay home- come up with some believable excuse and spend the day reading and ‘learning’ with Alicia.
But the stubborn side of me wouldn’t have it. A promise is a promise, the nagging voice reminded me. Come on. You’re strong enough to handle one little day with him, right?
At the moment, I’m not so sure about that. the other side of me quipped. Sure, I can handle him at home, but that’s where I can hide out in my room all day.
But, as I so hated to admit, a promise was a promise.
-.-.-
Skillfully avoiding Gerard’s eyes throughout the whole ride, the drive there was uneventful enough to give me hope for the rest of the day- I allowed myself to hope that he would just give me a few twenties and cut me loose, rather than literally breathe down my neck all the time, at least.
I switched from staring blankly out the window to looking down at my hands, all the while my cheeks burning from Gerard’s brief, but undoubtedly intense, glances in my direction. As the quaint town square came into view, I had half a mind to jump out of the car because of the tension. Luckily for me, we arrived before I did so.
Gerard took the keys out of the ignition, stuffing them in his pocket before stepping out of the car. He waited patiently for me (and believe me, I took my sweet time in getting out) before handing me five twenties and leaving me at the car.
“Be back here in an hour, okay?” he said before leaving.
And like the chivalrous gentleman he was, he planted a gentle kiss on my lips before he left. And like the prude that I was, I wiped it away as soon as he turned his back.
Despite Belleville’s mostly pleasant outward appearance, there has always been an underlying threat for people like me, conveyed quite clearly in the form of judging stares that probably even the toughest would cringe under. I was no exception, even with my winter jacket covering me as a shield. Soon, I found myself in the less desirable area, where love peddlers and drug dealers alike populated the alleys. Trying to avoid the eyes of said urchins, I made my way down one of these alleys towards a clothing store across the way. I had nearly made it when a man with a large build shoved past me, knocking me completely off balance, the concrete fast approaching my face. Instinctively, I reached out with my hands to break my fall, landing hard on my knees. I stayed in that position for some time, waiting for the adrenaline to wear off. When I caught my breath, I noticed something that hadn’t been there before I fell.
Two heeled feet stood in front of me, accompanied by a fishnet-gloved hand reaching out to help me up. I took it hesitantly, taking the opportunity to study my savior more closely.
The first word that came to mind was prostitute. I knew it was rude and I didn’t like thinking it, but she was one. The murderously short metallic skirt and half shirt were proof enough. She smiled down at me under her military-style cap, dark green eyes glinting.
“You don’t look too familiar.” she said when I was back on my feet. “Just moved here, or what?”
“Um, no.” I stuttered, flustered. Although it was basically her job to be so, she was quite attractive. “I just haven’t... visited this area.”
“I see why, you being such a pretty young thing and all.” she grinned, placing a finger under my chin, forcing my head up to look her in the eyes.
My eyes began to water and I struggled to hold back an awkward laugh from making eye contact for so long (and with a perfect stranger, no less). Luckily, she removed her finger before my nerves betrayed me to scratch her cheek.
“Well, since you’re new here, how ‘bout we give you a little welcome,” she smirked, a glimmer of seduction in her voice. “Name’s Libby, by the way.”
“Uh.” I felt a profound blush rising in my cheeks. I had never felt like this before- embarrassed.
“Glad you and I agree.” Libby held out her hand. “It’s gonna cost you twenty bucks, though.”
Despite the little voices in my head screaming No!, I dug around in my pocket and pulled out a bill, pressing it into Libby’s eagerly waiting hand.
“Good choice, love.”
Between her lips roughly meeting mine and giving her the twenty, I could’ve sworn I saw a flash of ebony hair lurking in the crowd. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve pulled away without a second thought and investigated the lurker. But Libby definitely knew how to keep one captivated- one hand placed possessively on the back of my head, the other on the small of my back, both keeping me stationary.
Something wormed along my lips- her tongue asking entrance into my mouth. At this point, I didn’t know whether to run or accept, but Libby was too fast. Skillfully slipping her tongue into my mouth, running along the back rows of my teeth as if she had done this sort of thing a thousand times (considering her profession, she probably had). My breath hitched as the hand that originally been on my back traced sensually against my rear, leaving a trail of unnatural heat behind it.
Between my legs, I felt fire radiating up through my body, with Libby’s warm torso pressed against it. My eyes widened as Libby finally pulled away, her eyes half-shut and satisfied.
“You do it better than most, sugar.” she murmured, leaving one last gentle kiss on my lips before leaving me to stand, dumbstruck and worryingly aroused, in the alley.
I stood frozen to the spot for a full minute before I roughly shook myself out of my stupor and started towards the store once again.
As I stopped for the red light, a thought came to me that was unsettling, to say the least.
How could another girl excite me that much, and guys do nothing to me?
I had never entertained the idea of being a lesbian, never even gave it the slightest bit of attention. Since I had found out what ‘sexual orientation’ actually was, I had considered myself straight as a ruler.
Now, I wasn’t so sure.
The red hand began flashing and turned into the white ‘WALK’ sign. I started along the crosswalk, leaving behind Libby and her strange ways.
Good riddance. I thought half-heartedly, secretly missing her.
Because no matter how many times I tried to convince myself, I knew I had stumbled upon something that I intended to explore.
So, Chicago was rad, and I got a huge haul of CD’s I’d been trying to find:
In Utero- Nirvana (I wanted Bleach, but they didn’t have it)
Demon Days- Gorillaz (Love it, but my parents hate it with a passion, so I can’t play it in the car D:)
Never Mind the Bollucks- Sex Pistols (HELL YES)
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness- The Smashing Punpkins (I pretty much cried with happiness when I found it)
and The Ramones!
ME GUSTA ZE RECKLESS RECORDS STORE.
I also finally uploaded all of my My Heart 2 Fear albums on iTunes. My iPod's been missing them ):
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