Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Blinded by Misery
"It's over." I continued to mutter to myself as tears sped over the dimples in my cheeks. After telling Gerard the truth about my age, I just knew he wouldn't want to look, touch or speak with me again. Laying here in this bed, alone and freezing, I realized maybe this was how I was supposed to be, alone, cold and dead inside. This is the one dreadful moment when I can think utterly depressing thoughts about suicide, my daddy, momma even my slutty job. How many people know a seventeen year old that dances for men's pleasure? Either way I look at my life, Gerard comes into play. Sure it had only been maybe two weeks but I fell in love with him. Not for the money, not for the attention or popularity but him. The way his touch was so sensitive when he made love to me, even though he wouldn't call it making love. Gerard told me we were fucking or having sex and I let him believe that. I tossed and turned feeling so insecure my heart was pounding deep within me. I quickly threw the sheets from my body and ran to the bathroom across the hall. Although my stomach was empty, I spewed any contents into the toilet. My insides were killing me as if my intestines were spiraling up my throat. I quickly ripped some tissue from the wall and wiped my disgusting mouth that had done so many dirty things to Gerard and said so many dirty words. I flushed and fell backwards onto my side and cried, well more like sobbed. How could life get any worse? How could I possibly become any more of a tramp and a liar, a stupid naive girl who hates her father?
Within an hour or so, my frail, pale body still lay across the cold aluminum bathroom floor. Light taps of rain began dripping on the window across from me. A few silent rumbles were off in the distance, weak flashes of lightning. I slowly rose up on my elbow and crawled to my knees until I could use the counter as a push. I took a rag and abrasively rubbed my face as if to cut my skin from my cheeks. All tears had abruptly stopped when a storm began not too long ago. I brushed my teeth as I stared at my raccoon eyes reflecting back at me. Placing my toothbrush down and venturing into my dark, small, mess of a bedroom I pulled on some yoga pants and a hoodie. I tossed my hair over my head and pulled it up into a loose bun glued to the tip top of my scalp. I snatched my iPod from my bedside table and plugged up my ears. Once down the hallway I pulled on my converses and shut the door behind me. Only after I closed it did I realize I left the key inside and my phone. Making my way down the steps, since I didn't feel like taking the elevator in the storm, I tried pushing all negative thoughts from my mind. I reached the lobby and the young guy behind the desk questioned me as to where I was going. The word "walk" was my short reply. He ran around the desk and jerked my arm lightly.
"It is pouring and lightning out there. I don't think you want to go walk out in this weather. Go use the gym." He ushered me around so he could look in to my eyes.
"I don't want to use the gym, I'm not exercising. I just want to be alone and walk down the street. It's fine." I tried keeping my voice calm and from growling. He just stared at me in disbelief before loosening his grip on my arm.
"You want me to come with you?" He kindly asked, well pleaded.
"No thanks." I turned around and began out the entrance. I'm not even sure what his name is but he works here on weekends on the night shifts. He has dark hair that is sort of shaggy like Gerard's except most of the time it is slicked back. He actually reminds me of Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian's guy. He definitely isn't bad looking but he isn't my Gerard.
Of course, the first song to pop up on my playlist would be I'm With You by Avril Lavigne. Unfortunately that song summed up everything for me, even walking in the rain. My body eventually became pretty numb. It was 4:00 a.m. and no one was walking the streets. Well, dumb ass that is because it is forty degrees and it is raining. I tried persuading myself to go to Gerard's town home since it was only a block away but something stopped me. Maybe it was the fact it was illegal. He is thirty and I'm 17. I just couldn't force myself to turn around and go back to my apartment. I continued walking and turned down Gerard's street. A couple minutes down I had wound up on his doorstep. I took a deep breath and knocked twice. I waited and waited but he never came to the door. I just guessed he wasn't there. I turned the knob and the door opened for me. I would shoot Gerard for not locking his door again. I tip toed inside and shut the door quietly behind me. I didn't hear any noise other than the fireplace in the den. I stepped through the kitchen and saw a fresh, steaming pot of coffee on the counter with two unfinished mugs.
"Gee?" I called but didn't get an answer. I trailed back to the foyer and took a step up the stairs. I called again and still had no answer. At the top of the stair case, I noticed Gerard's shirt lay on the wood floor followed by his pants. I saw his door was closed so I walked over and stood in front of it. I took my ear buds out and put my ear to the door and heard a grunt and the sound of a woman moaning. I jumped back and gasped while holding my hand over my mouth as tears began spilling over my palm. I kept shaking my head and began walking down the steps but stopped. I stomped back up and stood at his bedroom door. I didn't bother knocking but instead flung the door wide open. What I saw made me feel even more stupid and naive. I don't really know why it bothered me considering he was a grown man with needs. Was I not satisfying enough?
Within an hour or so, my frail, pale body still lay across the cold aluminum bathroom floor. Light taps of rain began dripping on the window across from me. A few silent rumbles were off in the distance, weak flashes of lightning. I slowly rose up on my elbow and crawled to my knees until I could use the counter as a push. I took a rag and abrasively rubbed my face as if to cut my skin from my cheeks. All tears had abruptly stopped when a storm began not too long ago. I brushed my teeth as I stared at my raccoon eyes reflecting back at me. Placing my toothbrush down and venturing into my dark, small, mess of a bedroom I pulled on some yoga pants and a hoodie. I tossed my hair over my head and pulled it up into a loose bun glued to the tip top of my scalp. I snatched my iPod from my bedside table and plugged up my ears. Once down the hallway I pulled on my converses and shut the door behind me. Only after I closed it did I realize I left the key inside and my phone. Making my way down the steps, since I didn't feel like taking the elevator in the storm, I tried pushing all negative thoughts from my mind. I reached the lobby and the young guy behind the desk questioned me as to where I was going. The word "walk" was my short reply. He ran around the desk and jerked my arm lightly.
"It is pouring and lightning out there. I don't think you want to go walk out in this weather. Go use the gym." He ushered me around so he could look in to my eyes.
"I don't want to use the gym, I'm not exercising. I just want to be alone and walk down the street. It's fine." I tried keeping my voice calm and from growling. He just stared at me in disbelief before loosening his grip on my arm.
"You want me to come with you?" He kindly asked, well pleaded.
"No thanks." I turned around and began out the entrance. I'm not even sure what his name is but he works here on weekends on the night shifts. He has dark hair that is sort of shaggy like Gerard's except most of the time it is slicked back. He actually reminds me of Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian's guy. He definitely isn't bad looking but he isn't my Gerard.
Of course, the first song to pop up on my playlist would be I'm With You by Avril Lavigne. Unfortunately that song summed up everything for me, even walking in the rain. My body eventually became pretty numb. It was 4:00 a.m. and no one was walking the streets. Well, dumb ass that is because it is forty degrees and it is raining. I tried persuading myself to go to Gerard's town home since it was only a block away but something stopped me. Maybe it was the fact it was illegal. He is thirty and I'm 17. I just couldn't force myself to turn around and go back to my apartment. I continued walking and turned down Gerard's street. A couple minutes down I had wound up on his doorstep. I took a deep breath and knocked twice. I waited and waited but he never came to the door. I just guessed he wasn't there. I turned the knob and the door opened for me. I would shoot Gerard for not locking his door again. I tip toed inside and shut the door quietly behind me. I didn't hear any noise other than the fireplace in the den. I stepped through the kitchen and saw a fresh, steaming pot of coffee on the counter with two unfinished mugs.
"Gee?" I called but didn't get an answer. I trailed back to the foyer and took a step up the stairs. I called again and still had no answer. At the top of the stair case, I noticed Gerard's shirt lay on the wood floor followed by his pants. I saw his door was closed so I walked over and stood in front of it. I took my ear buds out and put my ear to the door and heard a grunt and the sound of a woman moaning. I jumped back and gasped while holding my hand over my mouth as tears began spilling over my palm. I kept shaking my head and began walking down the steps but stopped. I stomped back up and stood at his bedroom door. I didn't bother knocking but instead flung the door wide open. What I saw made me feel even more stupid and naive. I don't really know why it bothered me considering he was a grown man with needs. Was I not satisfying enough?
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