FicWad

“Mrs’s Urie?” The door opened and a smiling woman waited for me, clipboard in one hand. “If you’ll just come this way...”

Ryan awkwardly stood, causing my stomach to twist and turn. I didn’t want Ryan here. I wanted Brendon here. This was about us. It was about Brendon, it was about me. It was something we made together. Why couldn’t he be with me, if only for this?

I closed my eyes, fighting the urge to cry. I sure as hell hoped it was just the hormones that were making me so weepy. I hated crying. It was horrible. It felt horrible. It looked horrible. I really saw no upside. I didn’t even feel better when I was done. I just felt... sticky and wet.

Another door opened, causing a small noise. I paid it little attention, stuck in my own screwed up world. ”Sorry I’m late.” Brendon’s words caused my eyes to snap open.

I focused on him, fearing that he would disappear. “Brendon?”

Brendon nodded, looking slightly flushed. “Ready?” He held his hand out.

He showed up.

Thank god. I helped myself up, walking towards the doctor. I might have been acting a little cold but inside I was happier than I’d been in awhile.

Brendon showed up. He didn’t leave me.



“Have you been keeping track of the baby’s movements?” The doctor asked, going through the same thing every other doctor went over with me.

Brendon held my hand, not making eye contact.

Then we got to hear his/her heartbeat. It was incredible. I watched the way Brendon’s smile spread over his face.

The entire situation made me a little sad. I was contemplating leaving my baby’s father before she/he even had the chance at a normal family. How could I be so selfish? I wasn’t even looking at the big picture.

We were a family.

My feelings for Spencer would do nothing but cause us all heart break.

I wasn’t sure I could do that to my baby, even if my happiness was at stake.



***



“What’s on your mind?” Brendon asked, dropping my hand as soon as we exited the hospital.

I wish it didn’t have to be like that. “Nothing really.”

“What was with the look you got in there then?” Brendon asked, “It’s not like I don’t pay attention.”

“I was just thinking about our predicament.” Predicament. What a nice word for such a fucked up situation.

“And?”

“It’s just difficult.” I paused, “I hope we have a little boy.”

Brendon smiled, “I’d like that too.” He seemed deep in thought before letting me in. “Think of everything I could teach him. I mean, believe it or not but... there’s more to me than just music.”

“I believe that.”

Brendon laughed, “I actually didn’t at first... I had to think about it for awhile.”

“When did you do this thinking?”

“Over the last few days.” Brendon stopped once we reached his car. “Can you just- like, be honest with me?”

I was about to argue about my ‘honesty’ and how I didn’t lie to him but then I shut my mouth, finding no truth in that statement. “Sure.”

“Do you have feelings for Spencer?” This time it was me that didn’t make eye contact.

“Yes.” It was just one word but that one word was more than enough to bring everything crashing down around us.

For all the happiness we’d faked in the last five months... We weren’t prepared to fake our way past this.

“How long?” Brendon swallowed, voice thick with emotion.

“I don’t know when I started feeling for him but- but lately the feelings are getting stronger.” Honesty didn’t feel so good. I just wanted to lie. I wanted to be with Brendon but I knew with things progressing as they were neither of us would be happy.

Something had to change, even if it meant divorce.

“Do you want to be with him?” Brendon whispered the words, as if frightened to hear the answer.

“I don’t know.” It was the truth.

Brendon looked away, slamming his hand on to his car.

“Can you be honest with me?” I asked, hoping he wasn’t on the verge of freaking out.

Brendon stole a glance around us, as if nervous someone would overhear. “Can we get in to the car first?”

“If you unlock it.” That’s what I’d been waiting for.

“Oh.” Brendon quickly unlocked the car, waiting for me to get in before he did. “I’m a little out of it today.”

“Me too.” I ran my fingers over the dashboard, sitting forward. “I’m really glad you showed up.”

“I’m sorry for the note.” To his credit, he did actually sound apologetic. Then again I’d learned he was a fairly good actor. I didn’t know what was a lie and what was the truth anymore.

“I need to ask you something, and this time I need you to be completely honest with me.” My fingers stopped in place, itching to move again.

“What?”

“Have you cheated on me?” I held my breath, waiting for his reply.

“Yes.” The word was a painful wake up call but I wasn’t overly surprised.

“How many times?”

“Does it really matter?”

“To me it does.”

Brendon shifted, “Since touring... it’s been about eleven, or twelve times.” He paused, “Or more. And it wasn’t always one on one, I’m just counting per sex not per person.”

God, that was awful to hear.

“Why?”

“We... weren’t having sex and I- I needed it.” Brendon licked his lips.

“That’s bullshit.” I attempted to keep my tone calm but that stung. “I would’ve slept with you. You know that. I’ve tried to. You’ve turned me down. So, why them? Why them instead of me?” I looked down at my belly, which was sticking out. “Do I repulse you?”

Brendon shook his head, the glimmer of what looked like tears clouding his eyes. “I want you. I swear I want you.”

“Why does it sound like you’re trying to convince yourself of that?”

Brendon just shook his head, short on words.

“Am I really that hard to want?” I breathed out, finding this conversation hurt a lot more than I expected it to. “Am I that hard to love?”

“No baby.” Brendon focused on me, causing tremors to run through my body. “I love you. I never stopped loving you. I just-“ He stopped but I couldn’t let this conversation just stop. I needed to know. Our relationship depended on it. Now... It was more than just us. Our family depended upon this very conversation.

“You just what?” I prompted.

“I’m just afraid.” The words seemed to be difficult for him to expel.

“Afraid of what?”

“I’m afraid of this.” He gestured around us. “I’m afraid of having a baby. I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do. I’m afraid you’ll see that I’m really worthless and fail as a father. I’m terrified that once you know all of this... you’ll just walk away.”

“You think I would walk away because you’re afraid, just like everyone else?” Is that what he thought of me? “Hell, I’m afraid too.”

“... You are?” Brendon sounded shocked.

“Terrified.” I nodded. “I mean, I killed our pet fish just last month and soon I’m going to have a baby. We are going to have a baby. It’s a living being, one with needs exceeding a simple fish's in order to survive. I think if we weren’t afraid... that would be wrong.”

Brendon seemed to relax. “So, this is normal?”

“I believe so.”

“And you’ll stay?”

“I don’t know. Are we still- Is - We aren’t over, are we?” What about Spencer? I knew my family would always come first but I didn’t know what to do about my feelings for Spencer. They wouldn’t just disappear.

“Does the idea of me leaving scare you?”

“Yes.”

“Then we are far from over.” Brendon replied, leaning forward.

The only problem is... when his lips met mine I was thinking of Spencer.

But it was Brendon that I wanted.





***



(I originally planned for this sequel to be a lot lighter, with comedy instead of drama. That didn’t quite work out however. I have a place I want to be but I’m having trouble getting to that place so I’m thinking of doing a few more chapters in present time and then eventually skipping forward so that I can get to where I need to be. Does anyone object, if anyone is reading?)